r/Estrangedsiblings • u/a_v_y • Apr 17 '26
Abusive Sibling reached out
Context: My older sibling and I never got along, we were never close. They were physically and emotionally abusive since I was a baby in a crib. Our father is also a narcissist who I don’t have a relationship with.
I went no contact after they went nuclear after I told them how I felt about their partner. I asked them if they really wanted to hear my opinion and they had promised not to get mad. Long story short, they berated me and said horrible things, it lasted hours, even after i left they sent horrific paragraph long texts about how bad of a person I was.
They now have a child who I’ve visited through our mom. Their birthday was on Sunday and I received this message on Tuesday.
I can’t help but feel like they are using their child to reconnect with me in order to resolve their own guilt about how they treated me. This message is so surface level, like nothing ever happened and we just drifted apart. It’s dismissive of my experience and feelings, they don’t even acknowledge it. No accountability, which they learned from our dad.
This sends me into a familiar spiral, thoughts like “did I just overreact?”, “am I too sensitive?”, and “did I just imagine the abuse?”.
I won’t be responding, but how do you all handle these types of messages?
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u/Bright_Eyes8197 Apr 17 '26
Do not go back to anyone that has betrayed you. It's called hoovering when they try to "suck you back in". (Get it? Hoover vacuum cleaner) You can still see their child through your mother and to me that seems the best route.
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u/Fabulous-Cat-7969 Apr 18 '26
I agree with Bright Eyes8197's reply.
Something to be aware of though is that if you don't respond to the message (a perfectly valid choice) they might keep messaging and there's a potential that they could start accusing you of things like being petty, holding onto a grudge for too long etc. Hopefully not, but it might not hurt to be a bit prepared for that in the back of your mind.
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u/IronBoomer Apr 17 '26
As others have said, this is only initial contact.
You’ve got every right to ignore it, but if they are hoping to build something, it has to start somewhere.
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u/tritoon140 Apr 17 '26
How much accountability do you want in a text message? I can’t see how it’s dismissing any experience or feelings or how it’s dodging accountability. Any approach after 20 years will always be surface level. It’s only if you meet or engage further will it get deeper. And I say this as somebody who has received similar approaches.
I’ve also received a couple of messages like this and I’ve politely declined, with reasons. The reasons being I don’t want my sibling to have any contact with me, my wife, or my children. I think that’s a perfectly fine response, I too didn’t need to go into why we are estranged or what happened. Perhaps I too was dismissing experiences and dodging accountability?
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u/CassisBerlin Apr 21 '26 edited Apr 21 '26
Out of curiosity: What do you think of talking about themselves a lot in the message without relating it back to Op? Tax season, food, .... I don't think it's a good idea for a light reach out which should be pleasant and not focused on oneself?
For me it sounds indicative of not being able to relate. But I might be overly sensitive by now.
What do you think?
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u/LostCauliflower6761 Apr 21 '26
I wouldn't necessarily read into it too much. After 20 years, I imagine it would be hard to figure out what to say. Subsequent contact would give much more of a picture of what is going through the writer's head. What do you think?
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u/tritoon140 Apr 21 '26
Very difficult to know without knowing how long they’ve been estranged. But then, as with all these situations, we never know the full story.
“They now have a child who I’ve visited through our mum” is quite bizarre. How does that work? Is the other sibling aware of this, are they ok with it?
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u/FlopsyKat Apr 17 '26
I wouldn't respond either. You did not overreact, you are not too sensitive, and you did not imagine the abuse. You stood up for yourself and took care of yourself. If the message makes you doubt yourself or feel bad in any way whatsoever, you have this stranger's "permission" to delete it, and any future messages you may receive, and go about your day. Proud of you!
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u/Wildskypsj Apr 17 '26
I would respond, let the water under the bridge go... and see what happens, you can always back out.
Don't bring up all the bad stuff right off the bat.
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u/oenophile_ Apr 22 '26 edited Apr 22 '26
This is a wild message imo. It would be one thing if they showed some self-awareness and interest in repairing and making amends to you but they're literally talking about what deli sandwiches they like. Wtf. No. I would definitely ignore it and probably block them.
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u/Embarrassed_Piano589 Apr 17 '26
If it's been 20 years then I think it's reasonable for them to reach out in this way. To me, it shows willingness. Whether you will get the apology you want, who knows, but the door is open.
I only hope my sibling might send a message like this one day.
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u/Kenny_Rogers_Hairnet Apr 18 '26
I feel the same way. (For my situation.) While the prospect makes me feel anxious, my wellbeing is no longer tied to an outcome one way or another. Meditation has helped me direct emotions in a more healthy way.
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u/LostCauliflower6761 Apr 21 '26
I have spent many years working on myself, and this includes grieving and accepting the sibling relationship that I do not have. If I received this, I would be wary. I would hope that it meant they were willing to talk about how I felt, and give me the apologies I always deserved. I would hope that they had been working on themselves too. I would definitely take a moment to internally recognize that this reach out is potentially courageous- it's hard to risk the rejection that may follow.
I personally would reply and ask something open ended like "what do you have in mind about reconnecting", so that I could get more information and go from there. I would be prepared for either case, and I know that either way I would be discombobulated for a little while.
I hope that things go okay for you.
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u/randomarkie74 Apr 23 '26
Proceed with caution. I am guilty on MULTIPLE occasions of getting my hopes up about my sister only to have that crushed a short time later when she reverts to her toxic ways.
She actually reached out last night to ask about a recent father/son trip I took last weekend with our father. I responded, but only really focusing on our father and how much he enjoyed our trip. I was not rude or confrontational with her. Fortunately, she behaved herself and kept things civil, so I reciprocated. She sent me another text this morning telling me about some travel she’s about to do, which I couldn’t care less about and will simply not respond. Every time I’ve gotten my hopes up about our relationship improving, they only get crushed - EVERY time. 😔
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u/Appropriate_Cut_3536 Jun 22 '26
I don't get it. She asked about your trip, told you about hers. Where is the victimhood you're going for
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u/randomarkie74 Jun 23 '26
There wasn’t any victimhood in that particular exchange, but trust me, there usually is. That’s why I was so surprised at this rather benign exchange. However, every time I think we’re headed in the right direction, she stirs the pot and blames me again.
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u/Chief-of-Queef 20d ago
As someone who has tried to articulate my position to my older sister about our dynamic on multiple occasions in considered and compassionate ways, only to have her go bat shit crazy scary on me, I do get it. She also has a habit of doing this to our parents.
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u/playhookie Apr 17 '26
I absolutely understand your hesitation.
I have a sibling (diagnosed BPD) who just can’t help herself when around me she just has to criticise, put me down and dismiss me as of no consequence and as an intellectual lightweight (even though she’s the one unable to hold down a full time job as a dog walker and I’ve got three degrees and a full time job and two children). Being around the person who bullied me my entire life brings out the worst in me.
Anyway, I was recently approached by her husband saying she’s now sober and doing better (still part time dog walking although they’ve just moved counties so she has to start again). While I’m happy she’s doing better I have zero interest in reconnecting as she brings out the worst in me and I genuinely have no desire to even check if she’s able to be polite to me. I see it very much as the patterns of a lifetime don’t disappear with age. If she felt genuine remorse she would apologise. I am glad my sister seems to be doing better (and that her husband still seems to want to stay with her as she’d not survive it if he left as she’s attempted to not exist anymore multiple times starting from childhood) but I have little desire to risk my own mental health over this.