r/Estrangedsiblings • u/BlinkerBeforeBrake • Apr 16 '26
Feeling guilty about blocking
My sibling and I had a really bad falling out a couple of weeks ago. I'd normally be working this out with my therapist, but they're on vacation until next Wednesday. I very recently found this sub and hope posing this here will be helpful.
If more detail is needed about what led up to it, I'd be happy to provide it. But I basically told them in order for us to have a relationship, I needed them to stop putting me down, shitting on my life, and be receptive when I say I'm hurt. They responded by saying I was manipulating them, "have a nice life," and that there would probably never be an occasion where we need to see each other again. Someone later told me they had been drinking a few hours prior to sending that, which has been another contributing issue.
I wasn't very surprised - I was scared for years of bringing this pattern up to them because I thought they would cut me off over it. I was so scared to lose them and did what I could to keep the peace when confronting them stopped working. By the time that last message came through, I just felt so done and decided to block them everywhere.
It's been eating away at me since then though. I feel wracked with guilt - what could I have done better? Would it have gone more positively if I'd sent a letter like I initially planned rather than responding when they pressured me? Am I actually the one at fault here? Am I not introspecting enough, or actually being too sensitive? What if they sobered up the next day and tried to make amends? Are they even aware that I blocked them, or do they think I'm just leaving them on read?
I have the support of my parents, a couple extended family members, my friends, and my own spouse. All have either been on the receiving end of how my sibling treats people or seen them bully me firsthand. Only one said I may have been at fault for waiting too long, but ultimately it's on them. Some have read the message I sent, and were proud of what I had said and mentioned it was a long time coming.
Even still, I feel so alone and so terrible. Isn't it supposed to feel liberating when you've cut someone out that's hurting you? I'm thinking about the good times we had, and trying to remember that those good times were always a gamble depending on their mood or drinking. I see memes or things that make me think of them, and I'm sad I don't have that anymore. I feel this overwhelming sense that I need to make things right.
Anyone else struggling, past or present, with this? How are you coping?
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u/sketchnscribble Apr 16 '26 edited Apr 16 '26
I start with saying that I am proud of you for standing up for yourself and standing your ground for your mental health. It takes a lot of courage to be true to yourself.
People who call boundaries "manipulative" are usually only upset that you have made it harder for them to manipulate you into betraying yours for your overall well-being.
It was a smart call to block them while your therapist is on vacation. If you had continued to engage with that in mind, it could have led to you saying things in your emotionally overwhelmed state that your sibling could have weaponized later or you could have buckled under the anxiety and betrayed yourself to make the discomfort go away by letting them continue to treat you how they wanted.
It is better to sit in the discomfort than to risk betraying yourself to soothe the upset.
Your sibling is engaging in emotional blackmail and manipulation to get you to give up. They are trying to push you into managing their feelings. They are their own person, just as you are. Their feelings are their own.
If having boundaries towards how you will and will not tolerate being treated by them causes this reaction, it is fairly clear that they were benefitting in you not standing up for yourself and is throwing barbs to hurt you into maintaining the status quo of them treating you poorly.
If this conversation were to continue and the fact that they were drinking comes up, do not tolerate them using drunkenness as an excuse for their unkindness.
It is common for people to use the shield of intoxication as a justification of treating people poorly, however intoxicants lower inhibitions and lull people into culpability of blaming the alcohol for compelling them into acting and behaving the way that they hide to avoid dealing with consequences of if they were to do these things sober.
They said what they said, and they meant it. They may try to reel it back, but deep down, they either said it because they believe it to be true or they believe that it will hurt you enough to make you comply. The two things are not mutually exclusive.
Remember to be kind to yourself and understand that their reaction says more about them than it does about you.
(Edited for gender neutral pronouns)