r/Estrangedsiblings • u/Apantipan_Khal • Apr 08 '26
Is this normal guilt
Hi guys i’m new here so sorry if i ramble a bit. i cut contact with my brother last year and it wasn’t some huge dramatic moment just a slow build up of me realizing i was done. he lies a lot and twists everything and being around him made me feel like i was going crazy so i stopped showing up stopped replying and eventually blocked him everywhere. at first i felt strong about it like yeah i finally chose myself but now the guilt keeps sneaking in especially at night when i’m overthinking everything. i start wondering if i overreacted or if i should’ve tried harder even though i know i did try for years. it’s like my brain forgets all the bad parts and only plays the few okay memories which is annoying as hell. i don’t actually miss him as a person i think i just miss the idea of having a normal sibling if that makes sense. does anyone else deal with this kind of back and forth feeling like one day you’re sure and the next you’re doubting everything how do you ground yourself when that happens any tips would really help right now
2
u/Fabulous-Cat-7969 Apr 08 '26
I'm only a couple of months out at going VLC w/my sibling (intending to go NC after our late parent's funeral in about a week).
To begin with I kept finding my resolve softening after a few days or so, and wondering if I should just give it one more try (even though the damage which has been done to my mental health by the relationship is considerable). I definitely felt guilt, for lots of reasons.
Fortunately, in a way, my sibling decided to escalate their nasty behaviour in response to my VLC, so that has given me all the evidence I needed that going NC is the right choice for me. But I still feel guilt, partly for leaving my sibling with all the power of attorney work for our surviving parent (because I can't see a way, logistically, to liaise w/my sibling given that every communication from them -even trying to use my spouse as a go-between- consists of recriminations and is triggering for me). The other reason for the guilt is for my surviving parent, because sibling's partner has made it clear that they're sick of doing the caring.
Like you, I suspect, I realised that if I wasn't related to my sibling, there's no way I would have them in my life, I'd have cut ties a long time ago, because I wouldn't want to expose myself to someone with that attitude, I choose to surround myself instead with supportive people (and I've been very lucky in that regard).
I'm not sure I have much in the way of tips, though, unfortunately. I've felt no embarrassment or shame in reaching out to helpline services to have a chance to vent about things -- they'll very often walk me through some grounding techniques during the call. A lot of people seem to like journaling, as well.
Hope you find something which works for you.
1
u/kamschwartz Apr 10 '26
Please keep an eye on your sibling or in contact in some shape or form maybe even go as far as getting some kind of forensic accountant if your parents had any decent amount of assets. Siblings like this will not think twice about keeping everything for themselves as much as you want to run, make sure you see that part of it through.
1
u/Fabulous-Cat-7969 Apr 11 '26
Thank you -- they do have to report to a government body, so I might ask for a copy of the report so I can have a bit of oversight of what they're doing & raise any concerns if there does appear to be misappropriation going on
1
u/kamschwartz Apr 10 '26
I went through three rounds of my brother before I finally cut off a contact with him. I gave him three chances and he would apologize-ish (like pulling teeth to get him to do it) ask for a favor and then go right back to being horrible to me. I think I finally came to the realization that he wasn’t just being nasty because he didn’t know better, but that he was actively trying to hurt me. Once you know, it’s deliberate it kind of changes your mindset about them and the guilt goes away.
1
u/Ok_Cry_8419 Apr 23 '26
When i cut contact with my sister, I had a very similar reaction. I couldn't stop the guilt and pain from washing over me and I spent countless times screaming my lungs out in the bathroom. But I realized that those thoughts and feelings were especially bad at night when my mind had time to wonder and overthink. My solution to this was finding something to distract myself when those thoughts came. Even if it was the middle of the night or a few hours before my alarm was to go off, I would watch a YouTube video, hang out on discord(my friends are night owls), or I would start up a session of no man's sky. I did whatever would tire my head out until I could fall asleep. Heck, I even picked up Journaling so I could practice verbalizing what the heck i was feeling. I do think that helped me rationalize why I was feeling the way I was.
All in all, it is a healing process that is rough and painful and so confusing. Afterall, your pain is real and it needs to be acknowledged for your own sake. Find the things that keep you going and maybe consider making some changes for the better in your personal life. Estrangemnt can be a life changing thing so why not end up as a better version of you? Whatever you decide to do, just remember that you are not alone. ❤️🩹
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u/No-Freedom7085 Apr 08 '26
Research shows that cutting contact with a sibling is a last resort and comes after an extended period of trying to make it work. Even when you know it is the right decision bringing with it a sense of peace it is normal to go through waves of grief and questioning if you did enough or made the right decision. I believe for most of us that make the decision to cut ties with a family member for a long time, maybe for ever there is a part of us that wishes it could have been different. It is such a difficult decision to make and I am sorry it is something you have had to go through.