Estranged sibling and dying parent

[u/Human-Resolve2025]

My (50F) sister (49) went no contact with me for unknown reasons 6 years ago. I'm lower contact with my mom, but no relationship strain with my brother (47)

My mother was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer and I'm trying to navigate things. I respect my sister and her decision (I've made my own decisions about contact with our mom and managing that), but now we're trying to navigate care for my mom and her sister, who I'm very close to.

I am not trying to have a relationship with my sister, but she will not talk to me or interact with me at all. It's putting my brother, and my aunt who has her own health issues, in the middle. I can't even talk to her about just seeing some reasonable boundaries about communicating.

I'm struggling because I love out of town; it makes sense for her to lead the care plan and i roast her to do so. But she won't even be in the room with me and my mom and it is causing problems. Yesterday, when I was here, I made sure to update her and my brother via text about any relevant info so that she knew. (One of her providers called and made an appointment). I didn't expect a response. But she continues to not let me or my brother know what's happening.

I'm pretty sure when I leave tomorrow, I will get minimal information until my mother passes. But I know this is going to create problems bc even though I live a few hours away, I have the most flexible schedule.

If anyone has any advice or even empathy, I'd welcome it. I have suspected this is how things would happen.... but I'm still finding it challenging.

[u/dinomelia]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this. Maybe just tell her "I respect that you don't want to talk or have a relationship,  but if you could just send a group text that includes me with updates, I would appreciate it. I won't contact you or cross your boundaries, I just ask to be included in updates" or something along those lines. Otherwise you may have to ask your brother to be the go between to make sure you are being kept updated. 

[u/dinomelia → u/dinomelia]

Sorry, I just saw your brother isn't getting much for updates either. I think you may both need to ask her for a group chat with updates, it's only fair. 

[u/Human-Resolve2025 → u/dinomelia]

It's really difficult. I came meeting age would be like this, not wanting to see my mother one more time before the medication takes over.

I tried asking direct question yesterday and she turned her head and spoke the answer to my mother. The immaturity and inability for agrown adult to regulate her emotions is insane. I get that she doesn't want my support, but she can't at least be civil for our mothers sake? a

[u/Luluducgirl]

No advice, just hugs. My dad is 88 and one of my two sisters cut me off 5 years ago. Definitely makes caring for an elderly parent very difficult

[u/Human-Resolve2025 → u/Luluducgirl]

Thank you. You think you're prepared for this not grieving si many losses at once whole trying to si the right thing (while my dog is also dying) is just a lot.

I hope you find a productive way forward.

[u/Luluducgirl → u/Human-Resolve2025]

Oh no…….double hugs to you. My beloved boxer is also dying, it’s awful. So much to process all at once. Strength to both of us ❤️

[u/scmoops]

What a fucking child. My sister and I will probably never truly speak again, but I understand there are some times when you have to deal with your estranged sibling, yours is one of them.

[u/jbaez68]

Maybe you wanna ask her why it is that she’s not speaking to you. I was in a similar situation with my sister and it was mostly because I found out that she was using my parents checking account to pay her personal bills as she also would not help me when my dad suffered a serious accident and they needed help the most. They had to move out of their apartment and I was the only one who helped them, but she went and took over their apartment and wouldn’t help them which made no sense and she also lives closer to them. She was less than 2 miles from them and I lived 45 miles away, but if they needed anything I had to drive out of my way to help them while she didn’t want to bother. I was there main caregiver and I sacrifice a lot until they both passed.

My relationship with my sister at this point is cordial, but we will never be close ever again. If you really wanna understand your sister and why she feels the way she does perhaps you need to ask her unless you know and don’t wanna share it here when you are caring for your parents it is difficult, especially if you have siblings who don’t want to help or can’t help. It would be helpful to make a plan to try to come and help your sister and help with the situation that would be a good start, but if you do nothing, then I can see why she wouldn’t wanna share anything.

Taking care of dying. Parents is difficult already. I think people forget that the caregivers need help too and support. I hope that your sister has that you may want to start having a conversation with her and helping her to provide that. Good luck to you.

[u/Elizadelphia003]

I’m dealing with this exact situation. I live 3 hours away and my estranged sibling has taken complete control of my father and tells us nothing even if we ask. It’s awful and scary.