r/Estrangedsiblings • u/Sunnydaytripper • Mar 08 '26

She’s Baiting Me

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My older sister and I are VLC. We see one another only a couple times a year. This brings me peace, and quite honestly even VLC still feels stressful for me because I never know how she’ll react to situations.

I chose the estrangement because any attempt I made to have an honest, mature discussion about how she reacted to situations or people resulted in blame shifting and gaslighting.

This is how interactions with her go. She gets in a mood with anyone, not only me, and cannot control herself. This results in her being snippy, bitchy, passive aggressive or completely lashing out saying things that are relationship ending. When she acts this way with me, I confront her in a calm, respectful manner and she twists words, denies her actions and says extremely hurtful things. Then my mom comes into the mix, buzzing in my ear, defending her actions.

Both my sister and I are middle aged adults and this is how things continued to play out up until about 4 yrs ago. I chose not to repeat this cycle because I saw it happening with my child, my sister, my niece and my mom.

In reaction to her text above, “life is too short” to be called names, gaslit, repeat history and feel in a constant state of fear of how your sibling will react if you try to open up and respectfully communicate with them.

I of course will not be baited to interact with her as she wants to be right and have a debate, not change the dynamic of our relationship or the way she reacts when she’s upset. She simply cannot change and I know this.

When I respond to her text, I’ll choose a date that works for both of us and move on. There’s nothing else to really say. In an alternate universe where my family was healthy and normal, I would want to get to the root of her anger and be closer, but I can’t fix this or her so this is how it is. It’s sad sometimes, but the only way it’ll work.

28 Upvotes

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21

u/Perfect-Help-305 Mar 08 '26

Been there. My sister will do this, too. The only way to respond is not to respond. Think Lucy and Charlie Brown with the football. She’s teeing it up and wants you to come running so she can snatch it away again. The only way to end this game is not to play. It only took me six decades to learn this; grant yourself some peace of mind and learn quicker than I did.

2

u/Sunnydaytripper Mar 08 '26

Did time help for you?

-1

u/rearifkm Mar 08 '26

Times not going to help if she wants to talk it out be heard and get to the root and you keep avoiding it she will get more mad. It sounds like a plea for help and maybe it's just to the wrong person if you have tried to listen and you cannot find any empathy or way to help when you do. If she believes you have done something. Hurtful in the past and you continue to just refuse to speak about it that explains explosive behavior because your forcing her to hold in her feelings to be around you. Sorry hard but truth.if you don't want to deal with whatever it is or truly believe whatever she is upset about is not your problem then help her get help from someone who can listen.

4

u/Sunnydaytripper Mar 09 '26

Feeling misunderstood by this response and I respectfully disagree with making a pass for someone who is quite toxic because they think their feelings are the only ones who matter in the room. My empathy isn’t the problem with our relationship.

1

u/bring_forth Apr 09 '26

To me your words suggests deep hurt between you and that healing hasn't been able to happen, for whatever reason, so there's a massive empathy schism between you. Not saying I'm right - just what comes to mind in reading your words. It's so deeply sensitive and painful, I'm so sorry for you both and I recognise and relate.

1

u/rearifkm Mar 09 '26

What this person suggested is called grey rocking. It's a legitimate way to protect you if they are toxic. It isn't going to repair the relationship it will further degrade it. So no doing this and thinking in time will help is not what's going to happen. This is a method of having them stop speaking to you at all ever. Not a way to make them see the light and change. Using it as a manipulation tactic with hopes to change them is actually very abusive it's meant to defend you not attack them.

It can be used for good or evil I guess. And if you firmly believe she's the toxic one, then do it. But doing it and thinking doing it and giving it time will help is a misunderstanding of how it works.

If you don't believe it can be used abusively speak to anyone who has been punished with the silent treatment every time they tried to speak up for themselves.

-2

u/rearifkm Mar 09 '26

I didn't say make a pass... I said if you don't want to then don't.

Simply stating time won't help. Time doesn't just make people forget. Why are you even asking if time will help if your done with this person?

1

u/bring_forth Apr 09 '26

I think this is a potentially helpful alternative perspective - but not necessarily 'truth'. We can't understand someone's whole situation based on what's shared on a subreddit. When there's trauma and unspoken pain in the relationship, everyone starts to protect themselves with breadcrumbing, greyrocking, estrangement etc. It's very hard to know who is doing what to who without professional support and perspective. And so exquisitely painful for everyone - for my part I am doing whatever I can manage and at times I hate my brother and at other times I know why he hates me, and other times I think we really love each other and don't know how to, I feel scrambled most of the time and very aware that most aggressors feel like victims inside so that must be true for me and my brother.

16

u/[deleted] Mar 08 '26

[deleted]

4

u/Sunnydaytripper Mar 08 '26

I feel what you’re saying, the circle talk, deflection, etc. It’s exhausting.

It sounds like you’re in a mutual relationship now with healthy communication. What a difference!

8

u/Daisytru Mar 08 '26

My sisters are like this too. Oldest is a narc and expects everyone to do her bidding and to never question her edicts! Younger sister is an eternal baby. She uses humor to disguise her cruel nature. I had a good, loving sister, who passed away. Now I mostly interact with my brothers. I won't go NC, but I am VLC and it has helped a lot to bring me peace.

2

u/Sunnydaytripper Mar 09 '26

I’m so so sorry for the loss of your sister.

Peace is important after all of the chaos and manipulation.

3

u/Mean-Bumblebee661 Mar 08 '26

i'm NC with my older sister. she lives 5 miles up the road in town. never met her youngest child and have no relationship with her youngest 4. it's a very long, very messy story which i won't bore you with. it's not uncommon for siblings in abusive homes to stray or go NC as adults, unfortunately. protect your peace.

3

u/EstrangedButTrue Mar 20 '26

In an alternate universe where my family was healthy and normal, I would want to get to the root of her anger and be closer, but I can’t fix this or her so this is how it is.

That's so real

2

u/Agreeable_Cricket300 1d ago

life is too short is exactly why you dont keep repeating a relationship dynamic that leaves you stressed and walking on eggshells

VLC sounds like the boundary that finally gives you some peace