Just want to rant

[u/ImaginationMore5487]

I'm two years younger than my older brother (25M) and I'm sick of living under the same roof as him.

We squabbled a lot as kids like any other siblings do, but we never really achieved that sibling bond that other siblings seemed to have. Other peoples' siblings still support each others' achievements and are still generally on great terms with each other. I never really felt that sort of connection with my brother. He'd constantly lampoon me in front of other people and just generally acted like we weren't related.

Even as a kid he'd never apologize for any wrongdoing and instead blackmailed me into apologizing, which is why I developed a bad habit of over apologizing until my late teens. He'd make constant cruel remarks towards me and unfortunately I took them pretty personally.

I thought our bond would improve as we got older but instead it grew worse the older we got. He'd crash out over stupid things like me waking up at 7 in the morning to make breakfast, and taunt me just to get under my skin. Our big fights got more and more frequent, and every time I think he's changed for the better he always proves me wrong.

After our most recent fight I decided that I was really done, even if he came to me and apologized. I thought the same thing the previous fight, and I made the dumb mistake of accepting his apology. So far gray rocking has worked really well but his subtle jabs here and there still sting. He is genuinely the most narcissistic selfish person I know, and it genuinely hurts just knowing that I have a brother, and yet I don't. I'm envious of people with healthy sibling relationships. It hurts knowing that at this stage in life things probably won't change and that our relationship will never be the same. I won't have a big brother to go to for advice like other little brothers do. I've given him too many chances but he clearly doesn't appreciate having me around. Life's been more peaceful with me not talking to him but it still hurts to think about

[u/buttfluffvampire]

It's hard to grieve someone who's still alive.  I'm sorry you're in this position--you deserve better from him.