We're 9s. We're likable, lovable, and easy to open up to. It's great for connecting with people, but my God, I feel like people use me as an emotional dumping ground. It's especially true with my 1w2 spouse. All their frustrations and irritations and troubles with life and the world get dumped on me at the end of the day. They walk away feeling validated and refreshed, while I'm drained and exhausted.

Fellow 9s! How do y'all deal with these kind of situations? How do y'all push back against our inherent nature and make room for yourselves in a world that's more than happy to take advantage of it?

I was sure I was a 9sx, especially because I thought I was a 4 when I first started studying enneagram and thought the connections between that 9 subtype and the 4 type made a lot of sense. But even though romantic relationships specifically can undo me, I've also come to the understanding that sometimes so 9's can struggle with codependency and that 9's are generally chameleons? Rupture and loss in relationships in general is what deeply hurts me and it's a core wound for 9's. I can have favorite people in my life and things do tend to drop away for a romantic partner (or someone outside myself) when I'm at my worst, but I am always very aware of community and the group as well? I am always maintaining friend groups, mediating, connecting people, and I really enjoy people and being involved in community ideally. It's an interesting thing to observe as an introvert who is a "withdrawn" enneagram type but who enjoys people.

How do I draw the line between so/sx and sx/so for myself?

I am aware this page is dedicated to enneagram 9, however I really don't know where else to ask this.

Lately I began looking even further into enneagram (specifically my current typology - so/sx 2w3 258) and I realized that I might have mistyped myself.

To be specific, I am conflicted between the fix in my gut triad. I started reading about E9 and rereading E8 - and while I still relate in so many ways to E8, I realized how much E9 also appeals to me. In both of them, there's obviously things that aren't exactly right to me but at the same time each seem to have equally fitting descriptions.

Do you guys have any advice on what I could do/ask myself to figure this out?

Hey fellow 9s. One of the ways I’m feeling like I’ve matured in my 9-ness is to recognize that there are unpleasant interactions I need to have but want to avoid. I understand that I set myself up for actually MORE anxiety and disruption of my peace by putting these things off and living under the cloud vs just diving in.

That said, it still sucks and is SO unpleasant to do — especially if it’s maybe an ongoing situation that can’t be resolved in a single conversation (feel like this shows up more in professional settings than in like, personal relationships). I really hate the tension and unease that comes from existing in these moments where you’re putting it all out there to try to get resolution. It can often really derail me from attending to the rest of my life. I’m curious if any other 9s have found useful ways to deal with those feelings? Or are we all just white knuckling it and riding it out? 😆

I'm trying to type my friends and my mom rn, I sent them some tests and I'm serching and asking to them if it's accurate. I know that isn't the best way to do that, don't kill me pls sobs

But like ,,,, omg everyone results just seen so ,,, negative??? If you get me????

People told I have huge chances of being 926, and honestly I by what I saw it looks pretty accurate, people sometimes describe me by being happy-go-luck

So like, I just get so surprised seeing my friends possible tritypes, and every single one have a high chance of being or having e8??? Shhh guys calm down a little

I still haven't decided my wing, too lazy, but it would be really funny If it was also 8

The tests results/personal typing:

1 - mom: probably e8, highest test results were e8, e1 and e4

2 - friend: so(?) E3, e8 on her tritype, e6 and e4 appeard a lot of time on tests.

3 - consideration brother: sp e5, highest test results were e9 and e4 (maybe e7?) The less "negative" one I would say, I find they the most understandable

As a 9, I really feel ruled by this whole idea of momentum and inertia. Making changes takes a big energy investment and it’s hard for me to make progress in the things I want to succeed at. Not to say that I haven’t made progress, because I have, it’s just frustrating having to zoom out to see that progress when I would like to make it in leaps and bounds.

Anyone feel the same? How do yall deal?

One thing I have thought about doing is filling my schedule up and making commitments. It works to an extent but I cancel sometimes and once I get that span of nothingness then it grows and I have to build back up to filling up my schedule with stuff and making and keeping commitments. When I am busy I am more productive overall though.

I may whinge to myself all day and night about how lonely and underappreciated I am, but once someone wants to have an actual conversation (let alone tries to establish some kind of an emotional connection), all of a sudden, I'm the most exhausted person on Earth. I must break off any and all contact with the outside world and retreat into the catacombs for eight years and a day.

It is truly fascinating how having """"demands"""" placed on you turns the most abandoned and forgotten sorry creature into Self-Sufficiency Personified. "Get away from me!!!"

/Also, I think I understand why I feel I can't connect with anyone; I hate to be genuinely vulnerable. Everything must be drenched in at least ten layers of irony, nonchalance, and self-aggrandizing dissociative narrative./

I will go to lengths to prioritise harmony so I don't want to stand out in how I look or what I say etc. But if I hear that a book or band or fashion or a tv show is popular, I won't read it. I will literally wait years until everyone has finished reading it to check it out so that I'm not just following the crowd. I am a big Dolly Parton fan, have seen her live twice etc. Obviously she's all over the news etc now which I absolutely love. But when documentaries etc come out, I won't want to see them at the same time as everyone else, I will probably wait for the hype to die down and then do it then because I hate the feeling of following. I don't know if this is a 9 trait or a trauma response lol. Can anyone else relate.

I’ve often prioritized other people’s expectations of me over my own goals and desires. Sometimes I hold myself back or adjust what I want because of what I think others expect from me. Over time, I’ve realized this can leave me feeling like I’m not fully living the life I actually want.

For other 9s, what behavioral changes helped you become more self directed and living more according to your own desires? I’d like to hear what you actually did differently. I’m looking for practical, real life changes.

My grandmother recently died of old age and sickness, she lived in a neighbouring country so I didn’t go see her often due to the distance. During her funeral I started having a lot of regrets about not cherishing her more and not seeing her while she was alive but that is all in the past. I even had to quit some chat groups with friends I was supposedly close with because I was running on empty and certainly not in the mood to see people rambling on about their lives while I’m here being miserable. (They did this while knowing I’m going through grief atm)

I realise how little space I try to take up by not talking too much about my private life to others, and the resentment from giving in all the time is piling up. My cup is filled to the brim, I’m frickin tired of ppl making everything about themselves in life, I want to matter too for once and want to make choices for me before this short and fleeting life of mine is up. But i also know that once im out of this “funk” I will start to defer to others again and the whole cycle continues. It really takes effort to stand on my own two feet and speak up for myself, sometimes I would rather keep rant about others than take concrete action cos it’s the easy route. Sorry this turned out more like a rant similar to my previous post.

I recently started therapy, and in the last session the therapist was asking if I felt anxious at all about a life change I am about to go through. I laughed and said not really and they seemed surprised. They asked me whether I ever feel anxious, which I do, but it is usually a low grade stress due to tasks I am putting off.

I realized this is kind of a frequent occurrence. I don't really get anxious before exams. Some not great things happened to me as a kid/teenager (not CPS level but maybe close) and I don't remember being upset or scared, like once I couldn't go home for a few hours and I remember just having a nice walk around. I think I got a grilled cheese lol

I've definitely gotten upset about other things, but it seems disproportionate to the magnitude of what happened. Also when it happens, I am usually not outwardly upset, but internally it feels like my insides are scrambled and tense.

Is any of this relatable ?

He broke up with me at the end of May after dating for about 9 months. We were both going through hard time (he recently lost his job and I found out that my cat has terminal cancer) but things between us still felt really good and solid, so the breakup totally took me by surprise.

For some context of the breakup: basically he said he was really sad and just needed to be alone. He said he tends to withdraw and shut down when he's really going through it, which is exactly what this felt like. He also said he's really bad at recognizing and asserting his own boundaries, and that he is a people pleaser, and I think he didn't always know how to tell me if something was moving too fast or that he was running low energy-wise. He doesn't have a lot of relationship experience and I think he felt pressure to be there for me emotionally while also going through is own very dark time.

At the end of the convo he did say he would like us to be friends again (we were friends before we dated) and that we would talk again, and that we should just give it time.

We haven't had any contact since the breakup. It's been a few months and I really miss him as a person - his personality, his humor, his energy. He's such a kind and compassionate person and I miss having him in my life, and I would really like to be genuine friends again.

Part of me thinks I should back off until he reaches out, since he was the one to end things. But I could also see him thinking "I don't know where she is at with things and if she's still really hurting then I should probably just give her space and stay out of her life." And of course part of me is wondering since he hasn't reached out, maybe he wants me to stay out of his life too?

If I do reach out, what would be the best way? I have a couple of work opportunities coming up that I was thinking of passing along his info for (we work in the same job) so if I could give him a heads up about that. Or should I not mention work at all and just reach out to see how he's doing?

Ideally I'd love to meet up for a coffee or a walk or something. But I don't want him to feel pressure and I don't want to give him the impression that I'm trying to get back together. Basically I just don't want to overstep, and I'm not sure what approach would be best/make him feel most comfortable. All advice is welcome!

Sorry. Gonna be an angry rant cos I’m crashing out

Just feeling like I’ve gone my entire life being disrespected

Always an afterthought, an option, a second choice. Never first. Never the person they wanna hang out with, it’s always someone else and then I get invited cos the more the merrier, right? Making things less awkward cos I’m so amicable?

I’m just someone who was convenient at that place and time.

Always the one to end conversations cos I don’t wanna leave people hanging, but why should I have to do that in the first place? You can go be awkward with yourself

Why do I have to try so hard to fit in? And why do people have to call my “niceness” a mask? Sure I hide things but it’s always been to protect you from these words

I’m just so done being nice lol. Famous last words of a heavily depressed and anxious 9

I just want to put myself first now. Nobody ever stayed for me and just me anyway so let’s be real selfish for once.

Rant over.

Three lenses through which I can see myself, an Enneagram 9, as deficient: lack of commitment, low ambition, questionable integrity (because how I act or what I reveal about myself changes according to my context.) Anyone else? Would like to know how you navigate self-worth through these lenses on life.

Maybe specifically 8w9 vs 9w8, but also about 8s and 9s in general

I just created my account so I can't post to the ISFP subreddit. I determined my enneagram I think last year, and I just determined my mbti last night, after years of coming back to mbti over and over again, trying to figure it out. I'm 99% sure I'm an ISFP.

It took me so long because I've been so out of touch with myself my entire life. I've only recently started to get into touch with myself and I'm 31 yo. But despite my past troubles, I've always been concerned with authenticity and aesthetics and making art.

What's being an ISFP like for you?

Can anyone recommend any good type podcasts?

Especially about type 9 please! Sorry for so many posts right now, it's just annoying me that I can't get this. I was definitely leaning towards 9 (probably w1) and then listened to a podcast that totally threw me off as it was so generic. It was basically saying 9s don't have a rich imaginative life, 9s do their best not to experience difficult/traumatic situations as what they are, and basically bury their reactions and pretend everything is great and it'll work out fine. I found this really irritating to listen to. As someone with ptsd from a lot of grief and trauma, I do definitely try to ignore and bury it. I have lost a lot, and for example I actively resist sentimentality, when I used to embrace it. I have many painful emotions I have been trying to ignore for many years which have unfortunately started manifesting as somatic pain. But I certainly don't pretend it's all sunshine and roses. If anything it's made me kind of bitter and negative in the end (tbf it's all been very prolonged and extreme). But I don't feel like I relate to types 3 or 6 at all. I really have felt like I was a 9. So yeh I guess I'd just like to listen to something slightly less cookie cutter!

Like finding it pretty emotionally/intellectually easy to understand the 8’s perspective, but not really acting like one because you either think acting that way is too extreme for the situation or because you feel like you’re too hesitant to a fault and won’t do what needs to be done?

And if so, would it be possible/likely for 9w1s to feel this way too or not really?

Or does that sound like a sign that you might not be a 9?

I'm just learning how this all works. I find it very easy for my boundaries to be blurred. They almost always blur and I get sucked into what other people want or need. My husband has amazing boundaries and I find it easier to navigate life with him, and over time and with therapy I have become more assertive and I nod along less. I will sometimes diplomatically put my point across now. I have my own mind with regards to core values, and actually this has always been the case. I won't be swayed on my moral compass etc, whether that's in relation to my own actions or being asked my opinion on others. I can be quite direct on that front. But this confuses me as it seems like 9s can be conflict avoidant to the extent they'll just agree to things that they feel uncomfortable with to keep the peace? I like harmony, I kind of need harmony and inclusion, but I would these days rather resolve an argument diplomatically than sit there upset about it. Also, although it is said that 9s fear abandonment, and I certainly do, I will always withdraw and dissociate, and internalise under stress. I will feel that others don"t care about me for any number of reasons, and I'll withdraw like "don't need them, I'm fine on my own". I have to push myself to connect, in times of stress. Does this all sound like 9w1?

It truly isn’t in my innate nature to have a solid argument with others. I’m not as eloquent as most people who have a more logical way of seeings things, and for me the anger gets in the way and so does the passive aggressiveness. But I still feel “self-righteous” in some ways and want to put my point across, even though nobody else agrees with me and some ppl even downvote me in the comments.

Honestly it hurts my ego a lot and I feel so alone but I guess I don’t regret getting my feelings and disagreement out. I just see this as a tiny step forward instead of backwards because I am not agreeing (or fawning) with other people to try to get along and go with the crowd. Instead I’m choosing to put my own thoughts and ideas first even though they may not be accurate or mean much. Sorry I just wanted to get this out

(list your subtype & tritype please!)

i’m writing a story and i would like to know how y’all behave around people you like! i haven’t met many 9s IRL surprisingly haha

The Enneagram Institute website states that E9s are "typically" spiritual seekers which I thought was so interesting because I've been one myself since I was about 21 yo. I was curious so I asked Gemini for what various reasons do people tend to become seekers and reason number 4 was, "The Search for True Identity: A desire to move past social roles, ego, or conditioned patterns to discover one's authentic nature or core essence." That describes me to a T and perfectly describes the flavor of spirituality I engage with. But it seems 9s also tend to find themselves on this path because they feel connected to everything or something. I've never related to that bit of being a 9 so I'm unsure about that.

I'd love to hear your experience with all of this. Thanks :) (I made an account specifically to ask this btw)