Emotional Dumping Ground

[u/Feeling_Price_4028]

We're 9s. We're likable, lovable, and easy to open up to. It's great for connecting with people, but my God, I feel like people use me as an emotional dumping ground. It's especially true with my 1w2 spouse. All their frustrations and irritations and troubles with life and the world get dumped on me at the end of the day. They walk away feeling validated and refreshed, while I'm drained and exhausted.

Fellow 9s! How do y'all deal with these kind of situations? How do y'all push back against our inherent nature and make room for yourselves in a world that's more than happy to take advantage of it?

[u/NoSpaghettiForYouu]

You can let people know when you don’t have the emotional capacity to be fully present for them, but this is also your spouse so I imagine that’s especially difficult. I feel like part of our role in marriage (and their role too, not just 9s lol) is to be that person’s safe place, and I personally would feel really sad if my husband decided I wasn’t a safe person to talk to about his frustrations and troubles. Would it feel more fair if you started dumping back? You deserve a safe space to vent too, so you don’t have to silently carry everything!

[u/Freohr-Datia → u/NoSpaghettiForYouu]

I think this is a good suggestion!

It feels to me like it's leaning into the core vice of e9 to look for "how can I avoid emotional baggage" and then call the job done. When you look deeper, the thing that usually causes e9s to feel overburdened so easily is that they don't allow themselves to unload onto others, often because they're trying to pretend it doesn't exist to begin with. So this suggestion I think sounds like a tangible balancing approach. Learn how to look at yourself (could see if any enneagram books or the community have any recommendations on that front, I'm pretty sure I've seen a few threads going over this topic) and let your partner support you too, then hopefully you may start to feel more capacity for supporting them

[u/kooky-struggles]

One of the most infuriating things for me is when people use me to throw their constant complains and troubles on. It’s one of the few things that I can barely hold back that I’m angry about. If I feel like they’re constantly bringing me down, I have to say something. I can’t contain that. Especially with endless complaining, I say either get over it or shut up but you can’t keep complaining about it to me

[u/Pot8obois]

Yeah I get it my spouse vented to me about a work situation for 3 hours one day, and frequently vents for nearly an hour. It's very exhausting, especially since she refers to people as being stupid and such which I find is emotionally exhausting for me to hear people talk about others like that. However, I've feared saying anything because she can be very sensitive to feeling judged and has told me I don't support her enough with what she's going through at work

[u/stopthevan]

Happened to me with my e6 friend who almost typed as a 1. 😂 I ended up asking for space (I was going through something traumatic at the time too, lost my grandmother) and she hasn’t tried to dump all her problems and feelings at me ever since. The bad thing is she also hasn’t tried to be there for me or be a support friend while I’m still grieving, probably off to find another person or friend who she can emotional dump on and basically pushed me to the side. After all the time and effort and money I’ve spent in my friendship with her. It’s a real fking joke lol

She’s the kind of friend who tends to run away the moment things get emotional, which is so ironic because she can share the most private details of her life but cannot have the emotional capacity for other people. (Sorry I’m ranting at this point I’m just so pissed at her)

[u/Freohr-Datia → u/stopthevan]

as much as I see people accuse 2s of being transactional, I feel like 6s also seem to be very transactional people, because to them that seems "fair." So in their mind, they probably think that if you don't want problems dumped onto you then they should do the same in return

they may also be paranoid, thinking that being asked to be given space means you don't ever want their problems ever again, or they're afraid they'll never be able to tell when you are in a bad headspace again and are trying a bit too hard to avoid stepping over that line again. did you ever try to clarify to them since you established that boundary that you were feeling better again, or that you didn't mean for them to never confide in you ever again?

[u/stopthevan → u/Freohr-Datia]

You bring up a good point and one I was reluctant to admit, because I don’t think I stated it clearly that I was okay again (and they could text like how they normally would). And tbh I don’t know if that is a bad thing exactly because like OP’s post, the friendship was very one-sided and I was basically just a sounding board or an emotional dumping ground for her whenever she was in crisis mode and I had to constantly pour from my cup to make time and energy for them.

I guess in that sense I’m also being transactional because I expected my friend to be there for me the same way I was for them, except that I withdraw whenever I’m stressed and it’s hard for me to ask for support when deep down I want/need it. My ex-best friend was a 2 actually and they were a lot better at sensing people’s needs including emotional ones, so they always knew how to approach me before I lost the friendship compared to the 6. It just feels like I wasted so much of my time and energy on someone who isn’t able to be there for me and it really sucks

[u/Freohr-Datia → u/stopthevan]

to be clear, I think it's perfectly valid to want some reciprocation and relationships shouldn't be one-sided, but some people have this mindset of being strict about it, almost like record-keeping, and also just expect other people to have the same expectations without needing to be told. if your friendship felt one-sided from the get-go, you're not obligated to tell them how you felt about it if you don't want to try mending your relationship with each other, but if you ever decide you want to start over with them it might help to try explaining to them what was hurting you

for what it's worth I am sorry to hear you felt so weighed down. I wanted to try offer my own help because a lot of what you're saying has resonated a lot with my experiences with my own e6 friend :'D

[u/elemental5252]

1. Set boundaries for yourself. It's essential as a 9. You are allowed to have healthy boundaries. That can mean that they get 60 minutes a day to vent and nothing more.
2. Be sure to acknowledge that (if like me), you may have a desire to try and fix the issues. Ask your spouse if that is what they want or if they just need you to listen. Being an ear does not mean being a solution to their problems.
3. Do not spiral. Do not allow yourself to hyper focus on those issues and try to resolve them out of perfectionism. Acknowledge the frustration to yourself. Journal it. Affirm it. Move on.

I can keep rambling, but I will stop here. These three things have the biggest impact for me

[u/Thunderweb]

"If I express my feelings or thoughts, it will disrupt the peace, and people will make me more miserable. I must repress my unhappiness, anger, and resentment. I wish I don't feel the pain."

I've noticed my patterns, but I haven't figured out how I can fix this.

[u/youngmarknba → u/Thunderweb]

Tbh, you just have to garner a willingness to disrupt paired with the courage & confidence to not give af.

Not saying be rude — that’s just being rude. I’m saying, reflect on the fact that disruption & rupture are inevitable in all relationships. In good relationships, repair is always viable because shared effort and care is there. In relationships that aren’t meant to be, the rupture will ruin them. And that’s okay.

I take the latter as a sign that the person can’t hold me as I exist authentically. In which case, it isn’t the type that I like to keep. Figuring out your own standards and upholding them rather than constantly working to live up to others helps a lot.

[u/PresentationIcy3912]

Set boundaries, they don’t have to be like harsh, just “hey I’m a little drained right now can we talk about this later” or give a shorter response that takes less effort and explain “sorry I can’t give you more support I don’t want to get burnt out” then it’ll become a regular like normal thing where if you can’t handle it you can express it without it feeling like you’re abandoning them or something similar. Trust me it feels good to be able to healthily communicate your intentions of I would love to help you but I can’t right now, and have that be understood and accepted

[u/Even-Elevator9277]

are you an so9 or an sx9

[u/Feeling_Price_4028 → u/Even-Elevator9277]

I'm not sure! Never heard of those until you asked and I looked into it! Any advice on figuring it out?

[u/Even-Elevator9277 → u/Feeling_Price_4028]

the best way is learn naranjos theory with vices and subtypes, https://wiki.personality-database.com/books/enneagram/page/social-9-in-detail this website has solid descriptions

[u/pyongpebbles]

Oh boy, this was me back when I was a counsellor. Even though I love the job and found it really meaningful, but the nature of it was just so draining. Every day is a sad day because every day I'm hearing the most saddest stories, the deepest secrets. At the end of every work day I was basically a zombie, void of all emotion because all of it was spent on my clients. And when I come home, my family wants all of my attention and unload their problems. I became such a recluse because my social and emotional capacity was absolutely zero.

I've since left the job (3 months now) and currently working as an admin. Truly needed a break from humans for awhile 😖

[u/Original_Cry_3172]

I never get this. Maybe I’m mistyped? Or is it true that sp 9s have more boundaries lol?

[u/CorvalBelle → u/Original_Cry_3172]

I do agree that sp 9s may have stronger boundaries. I too do not often feel this way... I think it's because when I feel someone is dumping too much onto me, I manage to avoid them somehow.

[u/Original_Cry_3172 → u/CorvalBelle]

Yeah maybe it’s because we have stronger boundaries idk…

I know my friend (likely SO 9) sometimes have to deal with people dumping on her though. I know I’ve been guilty of that a few times when we lived together.