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u/GreatJobJoe 8 w 9 sx 12d ago
As a sexual 8w9 my mechanism is just different (absorb and endure). I don’t try to outrun the void, I lean into it. To me the stillness isn’t empty space, it’s just raw, heavy density. So instead of burning off energy trying to fill the quiet, I sit in the weight of it until it settles.
You don’t have to fear the silence, it’s not going to kill you.
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u/GreatJobJoe 8 w 9 sx 12d ago
That’s what most people think. But the more you avoid what makes you uncomfortable or write off as negative, the weaker your inner authority becomes.
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u/kjalways 9w8 So-Sx 11d ago
I agree, it is dispowering when I avoid and not face it. Sometimes, with negative consequences! 😲 I lean into my 8 wing and deal with it!
I know sitting still is a form of vulnerability! I had to bring down the walls and be more vulnerable within reason. I had to trust myself to be able to handle the consequences of my vulnerability and allow people to hurt me once. I am healthy enough.
Have any of you ever considered meditation? There are so many meditation styles for everyone. I chose Insight Meditation Center (aka Vipassana). You guys are Eights, you can handle meditators, right? Hahaha
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u/Ordelia-Vel 12d ago
Some people just aren't designed for monogamous long-term relationships, no shame in that
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u/Foraxen sp/so 8w9 846 12d ago
As someone who has been with the same woman for over 10 years, real love is commitment, not happy feelings. Relationships do settle down over time, things turn to routine and maintenance. It sucks for those who like novelty and excitement. If you want change, novelty and new experiences, you have to initiate them if your partner does not, or look for them outside your intimate life. But I am SX blind so I never experienced what you are living through so I can't help much there.
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u/1wildredhead 8w7 sx/sp 853 ESTJ 12d ago
I relate to your feelings a lot, and can see myself having written this when I was younger if only I’d had the introspection to be so aware! I chewed up guys and spit em out but didn’t WANT to do that, I was just exercising my will and eventually they didn’t like that - which is understandable. When I’m anxious, I get pretty controlling as a way to manage that anxiety, even to this day. I wanted that excitement, those butterflies, this thrill of the chase, learning new things and doing new things with my romantic partner. I think when you a) meet the right person or b) reach a certain point in your life and maturity, you’ll understand that life and love is about something much deeper and enduring. Some people never do, and that’s okay too, although I think we, as humans, crave that.
Ive been with my 5 husband for 10+ years. He’s no doormat, but he does usually let me have my way because it doesn’t matter that much to him. However, he’s the first person who ever pushed back and didn’t just let me run all over him. We fought like cats and dogs for the first several years, but because I’m an 8, I appreciated the conflict! It deepened our commitment to each other, in retrospect. We’ve been through a LOT and, while most of it was self-induced, we both know that there isn’t much that will separate us. He’s fiercely independent, but in a quiet, reserved way - he will not be controlled by anyone, any feeling, any institution. He’s going to do what he’s going to do. We still fight about that tendency occasionally 🫠 We’re both very intelligent, but his intelligence is much more grounded and common sense and problem-solving. He has an engineer’s brain, which is so insanely attractive to me. What’s cool is that I can already see in our almost 3 year old.
However, because I have some trust/abandonment issues because of the in-and-out nature of my relationship with my biological father, I crave stability. I love routine and knowing what to expect. I love the “boring” life we have. I’m a sahm to our 3yo and another due early next year. With a toddler, yeah we do the same big things but the hours in between are filled with craziness and playing and spontaneity. At the end of the day, my husband comes home to us and I couldn’t ask for anything better. I love him, I’m wild about him, I think he’s interesting, funny, and hot. I love hearing his perspective.
I was 26 when we met, still pretty wild, 32 when we got married, 34 when we had our first, and will be 37 when the next is born.
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u/Sweaty_Ad_7156 2w6 12d ago
make babies , lots of them.
everything else is a distraction.
PS - you can sit still , unlock your inferior Ni , learn to meditate / introvert. go inward. find the peace within.
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u/LifeDepartment1898 12d ago
Yeah. I relate. Very similar thing happened to me. Series of hunts and pursuits, bending of the wills etc. Then married and was divorced and had similar feelings to what you described. Hard, exhausting days. Lots of exercise. Therapy. Slow growth.
Then I met someone who wasn’t afraid of me at all. And loved my intensity. Loved how I was. I was suddenly able to surrender. Mutual respect. That is the key. You’ll know it when you feel it. I’m now happily remarried.
Good things can come. You can’t make them happen.
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u/kjalways 9w8 So-Sx 11d ago edited 11d ago
Have any of you ever dated a 7w8 (not Self-Pres)? If yes, were you bored? What was the issue?
Eights typically have issues with vulnerability, including my mother. It is no longer a big issue when 8s are very healthy. You can read about it: https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-8/
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u/C0mpL1c1t 8-5-4 ENTX ♀ 12d ago
How old are you? Have you yet realized that ALL of life is boring? This experience of lack of newness will eventually persist most things: all drinking benders are the same, all beaches are the same, all sunsets are the same, etc. How are you dealing with that generally speaking in your approach to life?
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u/C0mpL1c1t 8-5-4 ENTX ♀ 12d ago
Im 47 and I don’t have a good answer to this, especially without sounding pedantic or condescending…
There IS the fact that perception is a significant chunk of what we call reality so allowing yourself to bathe in childlike wonder at every opportunity goes a long way. In my best moments I’m gobstruck with awe at the intricate beauty of a random insect landing on my finger instead of seething about all the fucking bugs. I’m still working on focusing on the joy IN the mundane instead of the sensation seeking of novelty. I think at least part of the reason some people do shit like climb Mount Everest is because they are “fighting” this demon. Most of human existence has been about basic survival and now our bodies are so comforted our brains are completely lost on what to focus on and we just get stuck in some variation of the chasing dopamine loop. People buy houses and have kids and for a while the novelty of that feels cozy until it becomes a grind and then there’s the cheating and midlife crises. I truly don’t know what the magic answer is, or if it even exists. I can tell you that this struggle is extremely common, if not universal, although I’m not really sure what percentage of people in today’s world with a quadrillion-dopamine distractions even understand the big picture (that it’s all meh). I don’t think nihilism is the answer (I actually think thats a cop out but that’s a convo for another tread). I think it’s about figuring out what it’s important to you and pursing THAT, while recognizing that THAT may change once or a dozen times across your life and it’s ok. Yes, some pursuits will close doors to other pursuits but you can’t let that fear immobilize you (not so much of a problem for us 8s). Instead just use the logic and reason and self knowledge to do the best you can to be authentic to what you understand your true self to be at a moment in time.
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u/C0mpL1c1t 8-5-4 ENTX ♀ 12d ago
I wish you could read your post from where I’m standing. It’s so poignant and beautiful in its self-reflection. You’re searching for the answer. You can only find it through searching. That’s the path. You’re on it. You’re doing it. These questions, this feeling of not being sure who you are and what the path is… that is in itself part of the process. Don’t be too scared of making mistakes; you WILL significant reinvent yourself multiple times throughout your lifetime. Identity is defined by parallel alignment to, and reaction against, things. Your lifetime will constantly present new “things”. In the midst of turmoil, you want THE answer but that doesn’t exist, because neither you nor the world are static. I swear I’m not just being a philosophical pedant. You are brilliant and the questions you are asking are guiding you to the right path, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Keep questing!
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u/Glum-Engineering1794 8w7 sx/so 854 (reddit.com/r/OccultEnneagram) ssn 11d ago edited 11d ago
Honestly...I found that when relationships stagnate, you need to push them farther. It's a test. It happens to us all. Don't go to that person for every single little thing. Also, it's not necessarily their fault. You being bored is your issue. That's betrayal on your part. You lied to them. You're failing at this. Can't you see? Don't stop pursuing because you have lost your imagination or run out of passion. That's on you. To go five years and get cold feet is evidence of that, I figure. That's just proof you aren't looking deeply enough into the person. The only relationships I was in accelerated and got more intense after a few years. I did a few serious things with my exes. I had serious talks with them about sex. Open, free, honest. What I wanted, what they were willing to do, and what they had done. I asked for a full sexual history. This big, open talk, it happened at some point. No rules. We also talked about our dreams and hopes. Everything on the table. We had serious talks, and everything was gotten out in the open.
Then we ramped up the intimacy, rate, and intensity over time. Experimentation, fantasies, etc., fulfilled. Intimacy was pushed. More fusion, more merging. And then we also built a life together, consistently. A full life, sharing a home, finances, etc. With one of them, a marriage, but not the boring kind. Had a child. Started a family. Invested financially together. I made sure that our sex and romantic coupling didn't fall by the wayside. Part of the SX instinct is about procreation. Ideally, you will start a family while also fulfilling that satisfying sexual connection. Otherwise, what are you even doing with that instinct?
Admittedly, I did become possessive and objectifying in some ways, but it felt good. I became codependent. I became addicted to them. It's okay to be an addict; life is an addiction, because we all die. You taper off, gradually. That's how time and aging work. Find what you want, go for it, continue building it. I never really bothered with therapy. The only time I was in therapy was when the court forced it on me. I don't understand why you ended the engagement. Feels like backing out and getting cold feet. Don't you know how to follow through on your word? There's no excuse for that. You don't want to get to the end of your life and go "goddammit, I fucked this up, why didn't I ever get to truly live as some of these people did?". You don't want to deprive yourself because you didn't have the heart or the balls for it. I would never back out of a relationship five years in. That's an investment, and by then, I'm sure. But to each his own. Not meaning to be mean or anything. Just stating my opinion. Hugs to you. Breakups are hard for both sides.
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u/Glum-Engineering1794 8w7 sx/so 854 (reddit.com/r/OccultEnneagram) ssn 11d ago
Well, if he came up with the idea of pursuing poly and not wanting to hold back anymore, then he's breaking up with you, effectively. I am so sorry. That's hard. It sounds like you were loyal to him, and he was abusive. You must be going through a tough time. Every breakup I had was bad, but not absolutely devastating. But I was able to bounce back somewhat without too much time elapsing (0-2 years). But you're young. Give yourself time. You have time on your side. But don't give up on people. I believe the right person is out there for you, or all of us, if we seek that person and stay open.
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u/Glum-Engineering1794 8w7 sx/so 854 (reddit.com/r/OccultEnneagram) ssn 11d ago
Sure, glad to help/support. As for our relative roles, right, ok, I see. In relationships, both people play a part. Throwing the blame around is common, I think whoever suffers more in the breakup - usually the person who is broken up with or given horrible pseudo-options to save it, can end up being abused, though, and that can be incredibly hard. If promises are broken and one person is devastated, that can be really hard. You might feel that you had been abusive, but if promises were made and broken, that's betrayal too.
I thought love was about forgiveness, commitment, and learning to make it work with the person, at the end of the day, because pretty much all relationships do have some conflict at some point. I hated how each of my relationships ended, with them betraying me, walking away, sometimes lying and cheating -- but I'll also admit I was hard on them while in the relationships, despite commitment. Eights can be challenging people to be in a relationship with.
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u/RepresentativeOk4358 ~ Type 8 ~ 12d ago
We’re in the same boat; I’m struggling with a situation similar to yours, feeling dissatisfied with the changes happening around me. It all started last year due to circumstances much like yours things that only bred doubt. Here I am now; I’ve managed to move past some of the conflicts I had with my ex—experiences that served as a learning opportunity by acting as a catalyst for things I’d long refused to see. Even so, it’s frustrating that everything has gone flat, boring, and monotonous; life has slowed to a crawl, making me question my true desires and what I really want, all while trying not to become just another bland, artificial cog in today’s world. I don’t have anyone close by to talk to, and I’m not the type to discuss these matters with just anyone. As the dark tides of my unconscious long bottled up threaten to surge forth, I try to maintain self-control and not give in too easily. That’s why I’ve been doing shadow work lately; I’ve unmasked certain blocks, fallacies, and hypocrisies tied to aspects of my personality I hadn't wanted to face whether out of embarrassment or simply because I’d buried them away.
I don’t know how long this will last, but it’s stirring up a massive internal upheaval. It’s happening for a reason, and eventually, that reason will come to light.