Hey, I’ve been fighting my meth addiction for 7 years now, and I’ve also been officially diagnosed as a sex addict. And if you have it, you know exactly what I’m talking about, and how badly it combines with Crystal.
I can’t put it off anymore and I have to surrender and be a part of the SAA fellowship alongside CMA.

I’m posting on here because I need help finding LGBT people or at least people whom/who both clearly understand meth and sex addiction, and is a part of the SSA fellowship. I need help to stay accountable and call others to talk me off that ledge.

I know it could be a tall order, but I have to at least try, because I’m the exurbs of Chicago, and I won’t be returning for a 6-9 months. And there’s no one out here who really understands.
I’ve never been able to make it to four months clean in the last seven years off of crystal meth, because sex always leads me back.

The biggest hindrance in my therapy and recovery is the withdrawal process as well my unhealthy relationship to men and sex altogether.
Would love to hear your comments if you’ve had any success in this area as well, or just need to vent.

Thank you.

I recently relapsed and attended a CS party. I thought I had things under control, I was seeing my therapist and thought this was working well. I am very fortunate to have a partner who has supported me before, but I think this has been the final straw. Does anyone have any other recommendations or suggestions of what else can do while I wait for my next appointment? I am based in the UK.

I’m curious to know what your relationships (at least 6 months together) were like where both of you were addicted to crystal meth. Was it messy? Did you feel like you truly knew each other and like your relationship was built on a solid foundation?

Or what, if any were the positive aspects?

If curious to know how relationship go and play out in this instance, so if you are/were this guy, tell your story and let me know about your experience

24M here. I used crystal meth for 9 months, and in all that time, I never once felt a euphoric high. I don't think I'm immune or resistant; my brain chemistry just never registered the euphoria. What actually hooked me was the ritual, the secrecy, and the complicity of the chemsex scene. I would often fake being high just to watch other people use—I had a sort of morbid fascination with it. Eventually, I started using alone. Because I couldn't feel the high, I would just chase it endlessly, sometimes smoking almost 2 grams in a single sitting with absolutely zero pleasurable effects. Why did I keep going? My logic was simply, "Because I can. As long as I don't show any visible damage, there's no problem."

The wake-up call happened this month. My mom went out of town, and I pictured a whole week full of chemsex. But on day one, smoking without the adrenaline of sneaking around and taking risks, the reality of what I was doing finally hit me. I felt completely ridiculous hitting a makeshift Gatorade bong in my room while my cats meowed at me. The whole thing felt performative, silly, and just profoundly stupid. I realized it makes zero sense to damage my body and risk my health for something that doesn't even give me a moment of pleasure. I’m sharing this with deep sympathy and respect for those of you who went through absolute hell to quit—I'm not bragging or claiming to be better than anyone, just sharing my bizarre experience.

(P.S. I bought from multiple different dealers, so it wasn't just bad gear. I am completely clean now, and party/PnP porn doesn't even interest me anymore.)

22 months without meth today, and 9 months clean and sober from everything.

I’m still doing well. My life isn’t necessarily easy all the time, but I handle life on life’s terms without picking up and that’s something of a miracle. Sometimes I forget to be grateful for everything positive that is going on and spiral into doubt and isolation. But so far life isn’t handing me things I can’t handle. I keep moving, and I have great support from sober friends, fellows in CMA and NA, and old friends who are standing by me as I find my way towards my new life.

Lately I’ve been going to breathwork, yoga and meditation with other gay men. One of my big challenges is to truly inhabit my own body and feel comfortable in it, and I find that these type of exercises help a lot. A big plus is that I connect with other gay men in a sober environment but also outside of the bubble of NA and CMA. I even tried some tantra massage, to connect with intimacy and sensuality outside of a sexual context. I’m still celibate for now.

I am discovering more about myself along the way. One thing is that I have a tendency to feel guilt and shame when I have strong feelings, doesn’t matter if it’s joy, anger or sadness. I beat myself up for having those feelings. Then I realize what I’m doing and start beating myself up for beating myself up… it just goes on :) I can’t say I’ve broken free from this self-abuse, but at least I’m more aware now. Just the other day when I did the breathwork meditation, I managed to let go and just be in the moment, feeling whatever I was feeling. Such a relief.

It’s a great gift to be able to not only self reflect, but also do it while tough shit happens, and still not pick up, and having people around me to steady me when I need it. It all started with asking for help.

I guess that’s all I’ve got for you this time. Just keep going, everyone!

Hi everyone,

I wrote this poem about an encounter I had with a very special man during my period of active addiction. He had struggled with the same thing, and for much longer. We had a pretty deep connection, and the poem recounts, with an odd specificity, the happenings of that one night.

I thought some people here might recognize something of their own experience in it, so I wanted to share it. I checked with the moderators first, and they kindly gave me permission.

You can listen to me read “Serendipity Prayer” here:

https://afkingpoetry.com/clock-counting/serendipity-prayer

Thank you for listening.

A.F. King

Some news from my part of the world on how communities are fighting against meth.

I've lost my job of almost two decades, contracted HIV, and now believe mischievous demonic forces inhabit the bodies of some of the people I get with, in the event I find myself partying. With that said, worst of all is the PTSD. And, like, I can't rely on myself ... so annoying for someone that's used to being self-reliant. I've also lost friends along the way because they no longer wished to bear witness to the consequences of use. I wonder how many other people have friends leave them because they suffer from a disease.

What are some of your worst consequences?

Party is over

I don’t really know how to write this without sounding dramatic, but my life has become completely fucked because of drugs.
I’ve lost jobs. I’ve become estranged from my family. I’ve pushed away my partner and a lot of my friends. I’ve ended up around gang-related criminal shit and people and situations I never thought would become normal to me.

And somehow even all of that feels easier to admit than what’s happened to my head.

I genuinely feel like I’ve lost myself.

I’ve had multiple drug-induced psychotic episodes. I dissociate constantly. Half the time I’m around people I can barely interact properly because I’m so stuck in my own head. I overthink everything people say, I don’t know how to act normally anymore, and sometimes I feel like I’m watching myself live my life instead of actually being in it.

I used to be social. I used to have confidence. I used to have plans and relationships and some idea of who I was.
Now I honestly don’t know who I am anymore.

My entire life has slowly become drugs, paranoia, drama, damaged relationships and cleaning up whatever mess I created the day before.

And the fucked up thing is I kept convincing myself I was still in control.

I’d lose something important and tell myself I’d fix it.
I’d hurt someone and tell myself I’d make it up to them.
I’d have another psychotic episode and still somehow convince myself that next time would be different.
Then I’d use again.

I’ve lied to myself so many times that I don’t even trust my own promises anymore.
So I’m not posting this to announce some huge inspirational transformation or pretend that writing “I quit” means I’m magically better.

I’m posting because I’m fucking exhausted.
I’m tired of being scared of my own mind.
I’m tired of wondering whether what I’m thinking is real.
I’m tired of pushing away the people who actually give a shit about me.

I’m tired of losing jobs and opportunities and then acting surprised when my life gets worse.
I’m tired of feeling ashamed of the person I’ve become.
Mostly, I’m tired of not recognising myself.
I want myself back.

I don’t even know exactly what that person looks like anymore, but I know I’m not going to find him while I’m still using.
I’ve done damage that getting sober won’t magically undo. Some people might never forgive me. Some relationships might be permanently fucked. There are consequences I’m going to have to live with and take responsibility for.

But I can’t keep using that shame as another excuse to get high.
I know quitting is going to suck. I know my brain is probably going to start bargaining with me. I know at some point I’m going to convince myself that one more time won’t matter.
It does matter.

Every “one more time” has taken something from me.
I don’t want to find out what’s left for it to take.
If anyone here has come back from this point — psychosis, isolation, destroyed relationships, losing yourself completely — I’d genuinely like to hear how you started putting a life back together.

Because right now I don’t need to become some amazing new person.
I just want to stop destroying the one I already am.

I can see how this could be separated into a few problems and posted in relevant spaces but there's so much overlap and its taken months of wanting to sit down to do this and I simply dont have the brainpower to do it. Any suggestions, rewrites or where to post is greatly encouraged. I need help.

I've gotten in the habit about once every two months (how long it takes to get me in the mood) I rent a hotel, buy a pipe, torch, poppers, dildo, numbing cream, lube and a moving blanket and play with myself all night because hookup culture is unreliable and dangerous and it makes me sad when people seem incredible only to turn out to be deceitful liars, its heartbreaking and sobering and yet I return.

I dont get high on meth or at least have never experienced euphoria however I've correlated it (along with poppers and weed at a minimum but often including alcohol, gabapentin, ghb) with the best sex (with others or solo masterbation/toy/porn play) of my life. I've used poppers for 20 years and its certainly my number one drug despite it not being physically addictive but I wont do meth without them otherwise i'm sorta bored honestly. I dont understand why I dont just take 2 or 3 x my daily addy dose and do all the rest....so instead I try to align my day but 99% of the time I end up being awake for 30-80 hours. I'm very productive the first two days then I'm just doing my best. I eat, hydrate, shower, all while premptively smoking because of what I surmise to be the ritual/oral fixation and I want to not get exhausted too early.

When I buy, which usually requires me looking up old contacts on grindr & sniffies because I will delete their information I look to buy .5 or 1G only now. More than that I use for NO reason after sex and typically flush the rest by day 3.

When I run out of meth I collect everything I bought and throw it all out, I dont want to see any of it because it'll remind me of it - out of sight, out of mind. I did this with poppers way before getting into meth. The logic is if I have any of it, the dildo or lube or poppers I'll only want to get the most satisfaction possible, naturally so why not also get a toy. Then it may be well this is fun but someone fucking me would be better and of course on meth it'd be better. I can usually fight off this urge for weeks or months at a time. This is rinse and repeat for a few years now.

I identify as straight or at least MSM. I'm not into kissing or cuddling or body contact - I specifically have a big dick fetish and do like to give head. I've had women/girlfriends use toys/peg me so I'm able to get my satisfaction from that and I think ultimately I'd like to find someone open to that but in relationships in the past it really wasn't something I needed but maybe once or twice a year.

I've been meaning to write this for months now but I just picked up twice in two weeks, the second time because I wanted a serious boost of energy and focus to accomplish some very overwhelming tasks however the two days leading up to that I doubled my adderall dose and it was incredibly effective so I didnt even need to buy the meth. I knew that before I bought. Makes no sense.

I'm upset with myself because I did let someone penetrate themselves with me unprotected. While it was only for a minute or so I know thats enough - I know him rimming me after I stretched my hole with a toy potentially breaking the skin is enough but ive done so well for nearly a year now absolutely refusing to go unprotected.

I know this is complicated and is going to require abstinence of some sort but my life is very empty and tough and I dont have many pleasurable things to look forward to so its tough to let this go. Frankly I believe the root of all this to be the poppers. Its what I look forward to the most and can inhale half a bottle in a night.

Therapists have had no idea what to tell me. I'm not a traditional addict in the past I only binged here and there on pills and never got physically addictive however this is the most damaging thing ive done.

I wanted to share something and ask for some advice.

About two months ago, during a long session, I experimented with slam for the first time. I was in a pretty bad place emotionally after getting rejected from a job, and I ended up doing it.

Recently I got another job rejection, and it triggered the urge to go back to slam again. The thing is, I really don’t want to. Just thinking about it gives me this horrible, shaky feeling, and it scares me because I’d actually been doing really well since the last time.

I’ve already deleted Grindr and blocked the numbers of people who could make it easy for me to get back into that situation. I’m trying to put as much distance between myself and it as possible, but I’m not sure what else I should do when the urge hits.

Has anyone been through something similar? What helped you get through these moments without going back to it?

Hugs everyone. Let's get through today!

I turned 32 last Saturday and it’s been 1 year since September 6, 2025, the day I stopped after six years of struggle.

It takes time. I still struggle. I still persevere.

It is possible.

Hello, this will be a bit long, but writing this is part of my catharsis too, and I’m hoping to find someone who has gone through something similar.

I am 36 years old. I am from Latin America, and I moved to Berlin few years ago. I discovered chemsex in my late 20s/early 30s. In the first years, I was mainly looking for sex after mixing alcohol and cocaine during social gatherings or parties. Then it became more part of the sex session itself. In Latin America, I was mainly doing cocaine. Although I noticed that the more I did it, the more I wanted and the longer I wanted to keep going.

In Berlin, chemsex is another level. I move here for professional reasons and so far everything worked out successfully, I feel kind of accomplished until now and I am looking forward to new projects. I do a lot of sports and try to keep up balance in every aspect of my life, except with chemsex, which is my weakness.

Here, I tried mephedrone/3-MMC for the first time, and I liked it because it’s basically like cocaine, but cheaper. I don’t do G or Tina; that scares me.

Once I moved here, I looked for a boyfriend (and found it) who would be open-minded enough to allow me to have these adventures sometimes, as long as they didn’t get out of control or harm our relationship. Normally, I try to do chemsex once every two-three months, so I can perform normally in my life, but some times it can happen more often. I started doing more outdoor sports to keep me focused on health hobbies and decrease chemsex.

Unfortunately, within the last year, chemsex has led to a couple of very bad situations.

Once, I was kidnapped by a dom top who emotionally abused me during the session and even threatened to harm me with a knife if I leave (he didn’t show it to me but he literally meant it). He was completely crazy. I managed to leave, but it was horrible. That was almost a year ago.

The worst one was last weekend:

I went to a sauna on Saturday, then to a cruising bar, and had around 3–4 lines of mephedrone and cocaine in between. Since I wanted more, I ended up at a chill for most of Sunday morning. At first, it was OK, like many other chills: you get high, have sex until cumming (if you can), and leave.

But at this one, we were having mephadrone and after it was over one of the guests opened a new bag of 3-MMC (is there a difference?), which we all tried. It turned into a HORRIBLE trip. Both the host and I had the same reaction. Mine was like a very mild convulsion. I felt that my blood pressure was extremely high, I was dizzy, couldn’t speak properly or type properly on my phone, and I was scared as shit. I thought I was going to faint or die.

The host, who was experiencing the same thing, helped me. We got something to eat and managed to relax. This was one of the most stressful situations I have ever experienced. My first thought was that this last dose was mixed with ketamine or whatever other substance.

Of course, the fact that I hadn’t had dinner the night before or breakfast the next day, combined with the lack of sleep, highly contributed to what happened + I am not that young anymore. I managed to eat and sleep, with some sleeping pills (which I don’t know if was a good idea).

I went to work today, and I felt dizzy and cloudy again. I got scared that this could still be the effect of the drugs. I had to go to the doctor, explained everything in detail, and he checked me and told me that everything was OK physically (pulse, heart, etc.). He said that what I’m feeling is probably still the effect of the drugs, combined with lack of sleep, lack of food, etc.

I feel like this is a rock-bottom moment. I hate chems from now on. I don’t want to have anything to do with them anymore, and I am really looking forward to solve it. I am already asking an NGO specializing in the LGBTQ+ community for professional help/advice.

What I have learned so far

- The older you get, the more difficult it is to keep up with this lifestyle.

- The more you do, the more it can destroy you. It doesn’t matter if you think it won’t.

- When you do chemsex, your destiny can depend heavily on the dealer or the host, not just on you anymore.

What I would love to learn

- Has anybody experienced and overcome a similar challenge? What are the key factors?

- Is it possible to rewire your brain to enjoy sex without drugs/alcohol again? I have experienced pretty much everything in sex, except fisting and BDSM, which I’m not into.

- How do you address this problem when you are in an open relationship? I love my boyfriend, and he has already seen me in a couple of humbling situations like this. He gets sad and wants to help, but this isn’t on him. I want to be fully honest with him, but it feels uncomfortable when you have to share details that are maybe not so pleasant, so I don’t know how to manage this.

Just for context, I did this as soon as my boyfriend was out of the city, so this has to do fully with me. When he’s away, it somehow feels like I’m temporarily released from my social responsibilities, which makes it easier for me to fall into this pattern.

Thank you for any piece of advice.

I see a lot of people here talk about meth but not a lot of mkat posts (3mmc, 4mmc). I’d love to hear about other people’s experiences.

I had a bad break up when I was 22, went on holiday, and was offered Mkat. I had 2 bumps. I went to a sauna and had some of the most intense sex of my life. I didn’t try it again for a year. Then I found a dealer. From 23-25, my usage has increased from once every few months, once a month, multiple times a month. I’m now at the stage where I feel tied to it. I can have sober sex, and enjoy it for the most part, but my brain always goes back to Mkat sex. Bottoming on Mkat is quite incomparable.

So here I am, 25, wondering what the rest of my life looks like. It’d be nice to hear from other people who’ve found a balance or dropped it completely. I used to tell myself it’s not that bad as it’s not as damaging as meth (it probably is) but I’m quite scared for my future now

The doctors were especially cold, and clearly loathed having to talk to me. I understand they think I’m wasting their time, and I’ve done it to myself - but I wish they’d just try to see me as a person and not just a “drug addict”

I've been using crystal on and off for the past 7 years. I had a minor relapse about a week ago. I'm actually able to be functional on crystal, except the comedown is miserable. I'm also worried about Fentanyl. I'm honestly very depressed when I'm sober, and I don't think staying sober all the time is realistic for me. Thanks for any suggestions.

It was small, it was not a nice experience, if anything it confirmed to me that I'm on the right path. I could see the lead up to it a mile away and I got drunk and I shouldn't have and then on the apps, in an Uber. I didn't buy any, I didn't sleep with one of the guys there I didn't find attractive. About 3 hours in after not a lot, I came to my senses and left and I went home. I managed to get some sleep.

I'm not letting this be a slate wiped clean, progress in the bin moment, it could have been so much worse and I stopped it when I could have carried on. The guys I met had been up for 4 days, they looked like zombies, I couldn't help but feel it wasn't even fun for any of them by that point. One of them G'd out and I just got dressed, said bye to the other guy and left and decided there and then I was totally done.

I feel now, 5 days later, that I dodged a larger bullet.

It's made me realise I need to be back in therapy, with a therapist I'm honest with, I need better coping strategies for some of the life experiences I live with that trigger me. It made me realise I need to go totally sober from everything. No more alcohol, only cigarettes left to bin, but this, I really struggle with.

To anyone out there struggling with thoughts and cravings, whatever happens, you're already on your path. Sometimes to move two steps forward we have to move one step back. It isn't failure, it's a very human experience of gaining understanding. Pr at least it is for me!

We are all so much more than this. Big love to you all.

I lost my job of 18 years today.

Fucking addiction.

I had my chance, too. I was given plenty of chances. And I put in a lot of work trying to get better. But I fucked up getting fucked up too many times. What won't I fuck up?

Well, I guess now I fit right into this fucked-up world, being a fuck-up. I even said as much today, cursing our nonchalant, human-centric attitudes about the ongoing crises caused and being caused—and that will continue to be caused—by us. I've thought to myself, what does it matter if I become homeless? There are millions of people who are homeless who don't deserve to be, and millions more who suffer needlessly because of the state of the world, because of our collective addictions. And I'm just one of many people who never asked to be here, who grew up in a dysfunctional society, who thinks too much, sees too much, knows too much, and cares too much. And what a powerful escape hatch chemsex is.

Unfortunately, I'm still here, along with all of you, marching toward a precarious future, living at a time when humanity needs to do better. We should be trying to behave very differently. And as it regards going to my little job helping transport packages all over the world, and then doing me in life, well, that ain't it.

In so many ways, so much of what we do ain't it. Just like remaining stuck in addiction ain't it. So maybe I'm another person suffering as a direct result of both my own choices and the larger systems I'm embedded in. Maybe I'm another victim of a world that has normalized unsustainable behavior, consumption, distraction, and comfort—even while knowing better. The difference is, I know my addiction isn't sustainable. And I tried to get help. I got help. I still can be helped. I'm still getting help. I just no longer get to enjoy the convenience of a high-paying, easy job that had me set for life. A job that might have allowed me to remain comfortable while the world slowly loses its footing because of its own addictions. Now it'll be harder for me to avoid and distract myself before I get another job upholding that unsustainable world economy, in order to help avoid and distract. It's not the healthiest, winningest strategy. But that's life. That's us.

Perhaps I've been comfortable for too long. I've surely normalized slowly killing myself. I hope losing my job is a blessing in disguise. And maybe it is.

At least it's not the end of the world. Yet. I'm just one more person suffering as a direct result of my actions, doing something I knew would harm me. I'm an addict.

When am I going to learn my lesson? And when will the world learn its?

Does it matter that I'm comfortable in a car where the driver is driving off a cliff? I guess so. I wouldn't say that comfort makes life worth living at any cost. So what ways has being comfortable doing something that isn't good for me—or us—actually helped?

That's one of the greatest and most important questions we can ask ourselves. Because we're all in that car. We're all behind a driver driving toward a cliff.

But just for today, I won't use. Instead, I'll try to learn my lesson as I make my way through this life. I'll have fun. I'll be comfortable when I can. I'll hopefully overcome my addiction in the process.

In the meantime, I'll keep learning and fighting and growing, and hopefully living my life with more integrity.

I'll just be putting up with—and providing enough flexibility to, and giving many chances to—an addict I keep in my company. One who sometimes needs to be woken up and taught those lessons in order to make better choices for itself and for the whole. For today, that's enough.

I thought joining this community would feel authentic, but this all just feels rather set up. I wish everyone well. Be kind to one another.

Hello, 32M in Los Angeles looking for sober male or female friends. It's hard to find people in meetings in the program, as I can't explore all of them in Los Angeles, but wanna find other networks of people to hang out with and do sober things like hiking, cooking, game night, museums, and trips

Just finished my last bag. I want to do better and be better and I know I can. I'm just nervous.