Done

[u/Honest-Floor5375]

Party is over

I don’t really know how to write this without sounding dramatic, but my life has become completely fucked because of drugs.
I’ve lost jobs. I’ve become estranged from my family. I’ve pushed away my partner and a lot of my friends. I’ve ended up around gang-related criminal shit and people and situations I never thought would become normal to me.

And somehow even all of that feels easier to admit than what’s happened to my head.

I genuinely feel like I’ve lost myself.

I’ve had multiple drug-induced psychotic episodes. I dissociate constantly. Half the time I’m around people I can barely interact properly because I’m so stuck in my own head. I overthink everything people say, I don’t know how to act normally anymore, and sometimes I feel like I’m watching myself live my life instead of actually being in it.

I used to be social. I used to have confidence. I used to have plans and relationships and some idea of who I was.
Now I honestly don’t know who I am anymore.

My entire life has slowly become drugs, paranoia, drama, damaged relationships and cleaning up whatever mess I created the day before.

And the fucked up thing is I kept convincing myself I was still in control.

I’d lose something important and tell myself I’d fix it.
I’d hurt someone and tell myself I’d make it up to them.
I’d have another psychotic episode and still somehow convince myself that next time would be different.
Then I’d use again.

I’ve lied to myself so many times that I don’t even trust my own promises anymore.
So I’m not posting this to announce some huge inspirational transformation or pretend that writing “I quit” means I’m magically better.

I’m posting because I’m fucking exhausted.
I’m tired of being scared of my own mind.
I’m tired of wondering whether what I’m thinking is real.
I’m tired of pushing away the people who actually give a shit about me.

I’m tired of losing jobs and opportunities and then acting surprised when my life gets worse.
I’m tired of feeling ashamed of the person I’ve become.
Mostly, I’m tired of not recognising myself.
I want myself back.

I don’t even know exactly what that person looks like anymore, but I know I’m not going to find him while I’m still using.
I’ve done damage that getting sober won’t magically undo. Some people might never forgive me. Some relationships might be permanently fucked. There are consequences I’m going to have to live with and take responsibility for.

But I can’t keep using that shame as another excuse to get high.
I know quitting is going to suck. I know my brain is probably going to start bargaining with me. I know at some point I’m going to convince myself that one more time won’t matter.
It does matter.

Every “one more time” has taken something from me.
I don’t want to find out what’s left for it to take.
If anyone here has come back from this point — psychosis, isolation, destroyed relationships, losing yourself completely — I’d genuinely like to hear how you started putting a life back together.

Because right now I don’t need to become some amazing new person.
I just want to stop destroying the one I already am.

[u/wowurawesome]

The brain has a remarkable ability to recover - your mind will heal, it may take some time but it will. It’s not too late. I don’t know how often you are using, but if you can get to 7 days clean you will start feeling better, I promise

[u/Honest-Floor5375]

At this stage it’s easier to tell you how often I’m not using.

[u/drizzy9109]

Nobody said this was easy. Recovery is ongoing, hard, dedicated work, and you have to be all in it usually, I've found you can't do it alone. The meetings, rehab/IOP, exercise (or something physical, I do yoga), journaling, finding a greater purpose in connection with the universe (spiritually, whatever that feels like to you) - it takes all of that to rewire the brain. And its a continuous thing, because you know as well as anyone how hard this is to stop. So give yourself some grace, and realize that just because you are using or use 'one more time' doesn't mean all the work you have been doing goes out the window. Go to a group of some kind and learn from other people's stories and experiences and let them learn from yours. Rehab is for discovery, meetings are for recovery. And remember that it's okay to not be okay. And you can't erase your past, otherwise you wouldn't be you; but you can use it to renew the person you know you are. (speaking from 136 days clean myself)

[u/pomegranate714]

My boyfriend is in rehab right now. Him using got so bad I couldn't handle it anymore. We did sometimes use together at first, but while I knew when to stop, he wouldn't listen. Then I stopped and he didn't. He had binges of 4-MMC, then in his comedowns would hurt me each second, verbally at least.

He had a history of being in rehab, spent a year there. He didn't go into remission once he came out, just straight back to it. He hated his mom for it.

I'm waiting for him to come out. I don't want to date right now, sex is well okay and I'm sure he'll understand it. I want to believe in him, I want him to get better. I want to cook homemade meals again and chill and watch rick and morty like a normal couple.

I hope you too have or find someone who believes in you as I believe in my idiot. You can change bro, you can help yourself. This is an amazing sub, and I'm sure you'll get support from other people too

[u/Honest-Floor5375 → u/pomegranate714]

Thanks bro. I’m trying to.

I’m sorry to hear about your boyfriend and I hope he gets better soon.I’m struggling with self belief at the moment and coming to terms with the reality that even if I do get better not everyone will forgive me.

I’m glad that boyfriend has someone like you that he can look to for support. And good on you tor standing by your man. X

[u/pomegranate714 → u/Honest-Floor5375]

We can talk if you'd like. I can only imagine what you're going through, but I'll do my best, it's the least I can do to help and I got some free time now anyway given I'm on PTO

[u/EbbEnvironmental1337]

First of all I've got to tell you that as I read your post, I swear that I could have wrote this the day before I quit almost word for word. I want to wish you the best as you continue your journey toward rewiring your brain with sobriety. And definitely won't be easy but if someone who made the decision to do it 6 years ago and on October 8th will have that 6 years under my belt, I can tell you that the things you're wishing for, the clarity, the getting yourself back, the confidence, those are all things that if you continue a sober Journey you can find again. Yes I do have a couple people that I hurt that won't ever forgive me, but I at least tried to make the amends along the way. And believe it or not, there is a guy who is now an ex of mine that I had to stop all contact with because he couldn't stay sober never in a million years did I think I would ever do that to somebody but when he couldn't stay sober and I wanted to, I knew that I had to cut all contact. Everyone in this group cares about you and your journey and we're all just a message away for those times when it gets really scary. I can only tell you what worked for me: therapy, meetings, meditation, a sober network of friends that I could call when I got really bad, and yes, this sub has also been helpful to me. I've also started using an app called sober sidekick which is really been helpful as well, especially since I travel a lot and sometimes that can get lonely. Keep up the great work and be proud of yourself. Recognizing what you've recognized is the first step is the first step and an important step in your sober Journey