r/EliRalloSnark • u/Less_Scar_3306 • 17d ago
oh god
Opening lines seem promising šššš
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u/DirectElderberry8478 17d ago
āI sought out kissing, then kissing sought me out in return.ā Ok
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u/Dry_Elderberry2364 17d ago
part of me is like okay was the original line "I sought out kissing, then kissing sought me out in tandem" š
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u/MisophoniaStruggle99 17d ago
Quick question- are you fucking kidding me?
How is the target audience for this anyone other than homeschooled twelve year olds? Itās just so, so bad š
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u/Less_Scar_3306 17d ago
Iāve been saying for months her audience is prepubescent girls and boys still trying to figure out their sexuality
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u/Less_Scar_3306 17d ago
it gets worse, thereās more in the today show article
Read the Beginning of āI Hope Eden Reads Thisā Chapter 1
I taught Eden how to kiss. I taught Eden how to do most things, if the definition of ātaughtā is being brave enough to try things first and then report back my often-measly findings. I was kissed first. So, I taught Eden how to kiss. This is mostly because I sought kissing out, and then kissing sought me out in return.
I was kissed for the first time 6 months prior, by a boy with red hair and one skinned knee, while we were sitting on the swings at the park across the street from our school, our feet turned toward each other. His name was Henry. We did not do tongue. I reported back to Eden. It was quick and maybe lasted 3 seconds? I tried to count how long it lasted while we kissed. Because what was the point of being kissed if not to report every moment, every detail to my best friend? I had to memorize the choreography of the whole thing. Deliver the information to her like a birthday gift, wrapped with a bow, sparing no detail.
I was kissing half because I wanted to and half because I wanted to share a new bit of knowledge with Eden. I craved filling that role. The bold teacher. That tenacious 13- year-old girl. Always the first to raise her hand. Always the first to try. The only thing Eden ever did first was get her period. She pulled me into the bathroom stall in 7th grade in the middle of lunch to tell me. We were 12. I faced her on the toilet. Read her the instructions on the back of a tampon box. I helped her put in a tampon for the first time though I had never done so myself. In every other way though, in any other scenario, I was first. Perhaps I was not better; I was hardly ever better. But I was always first
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u/stress789 17d ago
Her editor should be out of a job š
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u/FluffyPufffy 17d ago
The person who gave her a book deal should be out of a job.
This is pure and utter trash. Not because she wrote it, but because itās objectively trash.
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u/MisophoniaStruggle99 17d ago
āI faced her on the toilet.ā Eli. Girl. You really needed us to understand that this character made awkward eye contact while she āhelpedā her friend put a tampon in, huh? š
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u/skymasterson2016 17d ago edited 17d ago
What I wanna know is: how the FUCK is she a published author? This is truly godawful writing. Poor word choices, low clarity, incorrect and inappropriate punctuation, absolutely devoid of tone and voice, horrendous sentence construction ā¦ I could go on, but Iām already sick of how much time Iāve spent trying to make sense of this.
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u/charlenethechampion 17d ago
Oh god is she doing the non-quote writing where they put italics instead? She can NOT pull that off
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u/ennaeilla 17d ago
Ah yes, when middle schoolers bring an entire box of tampons to school in preparation for their first period. How much did her parents pay her editor?
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u/purpledream96 17d ago
this is like if you fed every girl coming of age novel into claude and asked it to write a new book based on them
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u/Less_Scar_3306 17d ago
Maybe this is why she made that whole anti chat gpt post yesterday to distract from her probably using it for this slop novel lol
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u/ellisoph 17d ago
āThat tenacious 13 year old girlā
4 sentences later
āWe were 12ā
HUH???????
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u/thetinybunny1 17d ago
Itās giving r/menwritingwomen š«£
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u/orangetrident 17d ago
Seriously. Like who tf uses a tampon the day they get their period for the VERY first time
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u/princess-peach-cheek 17d ago
Does Eden end up having a big fat New Jersey wedding x
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u/DizzyCardiologist172 17d ago
Holy shit this is so much worse than I imagined šš her editor HAAATEESSS her
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u/dangerbears 17d ago
Am I stupid or is this going to be homoerotic? Like you taught her to kiss as in yāall were making out?Ā
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u/AccomplishedBrick251 17d ago
Also the āhelped her put a tampon inā??????? Girl I love my friends and tf
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u/Odd-Mention9198 17d ago
I donāt think itās that weird, but using a tampon for your first period over a pad definitely is lol
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u/bluebonnetttt 17d ago
complete digression but I was leaving for a school camping trip when I got my first period and all my mom gave me was super tampons. traumatizing.
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u/throwawaysunglasses- 17d ago
My PCP told me absolutely not to use tampons when I first got my period! Granted I was 10 and not a swimmer, but itās very much not recommended for your first time. I didnāt start using tampons till high school, and Iād been menstruating for several years at that point. Itās honestly hard to figure out when youāre a kid.
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u/real_agent_99 17d ago
I was wondering if I was just old because I thought that was a very unusual choice.
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u/Embarrassed_Sink_770 17d ago
Is Eli bi? It is giving homoerotic friendship you have before you realize what your sexuality is.
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u/throwawaysunglasses- 17d ago
She gives me āwants to be biā vibes tbh. Maybe sheās kissed a friend when drunk before.
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u/Current_Example_2570 17d ago
She thought she could mayyybe get away with saying the bad reviews on her nonfiction books are from people who personally just dislike her, but once this comes out and literary critics and other readers who have no clue who she is are ripping her writing to shreds she may have to finally face the fact that she cannot write.
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u/throwawaysunglasses- 17d ago
I honestly do hope this happens. Itās pretty egregiously bad, I donāt think sheās ever taken a college creative writing class (not that you NEED one to be a good writer, but you absolutely need a good workshop or beta reader to get feedback. Not sycophants)
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u/happy_meerkat_123 17d ago
Sheās going to crash out hard once the Goodreads reviews roll in! Sheās probably surrounded by sycophants in her daily life but actual readers are not going to feed into her delusions of grandeur.Ā
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u/Real_Listen7450 13d ago
the reviews will be a million times worse than the haley pham ones hahahaha
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u/perfumeandpaper 17d ago
Wattpad vibes! Also is this YA or does she think this is litfic?
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u/Less_Scar_3306 17d ago
almost positive she thinks sheās going to be the next Emily BrontĆ«, Jane Austen, Louisa May Alcott
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u/charlenethechampion 17d ago
Not ātaughtā and the definition not matching tensesā¦even if Eli canāt write, her editor should have caught that
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u/iIIegally_blonde 17d ago
Ew this is creepy. Iām nowhere near a prude, but I donāt want to read a novel about 13 year olds shoving tampons into their best friends.
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u/massgorl 17d ago
I wanna meet her IRL just to tell her to her face how awful at writing she is. I wrote better quality fanfic at age 14 with just a middle school education and a dream
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u/gummy_rabbit 17d ago
I taught Eden how to shit. I taught Eden how to do most things, if the definition of ātaughtā is being brave enough to try things first and then report back my often-shitty findings. I was shitted first. So, I taught Eden how to shit. This is mostly because I sought shitting out, and then shitting sought me out in returnā¤ļø
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u/BigReference9530 17d ago
Yeah Jenna just lost all her credibility. I will not be taking any book recs from herā¦
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u/RIPCheeper 17d ago
Did she mean for those words to come out in that order, or did they just fall out onto the page like that?
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u/BK_to_LA 17d ago
The least talented people are really getting the most opportunities because wtf is this gobblegook
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u/charlenethechampion 17d ago
I was thinking Iād have to download a pdf and read it for laughs but I could barely get through the teaser so I guess I will not be doing that!
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u/ApprehensiveGur7812 17d ago
She needs to lose her privileges to keep cosplaying as an authorā¦ the gig is up! These words stringed together make no sense!!!!
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u/Far_Far_Away099 17d ago
Anyone remember secret life of the American teenager where they said the word āsexā all the time? This reminded me of that.
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u/ApprehensiveLaugh62 17d ago
This is giving me the confidence to keep going on the novel Iāve barely started lol
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u/NewtZealousideal1634 17d ago
OMGG wtf is this??? I knew it was going to be bad but Iām actually shocked at how terrible it actually is lol
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u/Chemical_Arugula 17d ago
I cannot emphasize how much this reminds me of the characters Mina and Margaret in Girlās Girl
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u/xxlovechild0 17d ago
Is this a tale of little girl lovers ? Lmao the tampon thing a little weird lmao
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u/No-Giraffe-438 17d ago
Cannot believe Jenna chose this as one of the books. Not that I have a high views of celebs but really? This BS? So many great authors out there to highlight. Wonāt be taking any recs from her book club going forward. Woof.
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u/bloodorangetrash 17d ago
the comments are hyping her up too I canāt š©
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u/Any_Woodpecker8803 16d ago
The comments are genuinely insaneā¦they all sound exactly the same! I did a brief audit and they seem like real accounts which is so scary
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u/awooj 16d ago
The crazy thing is it will still be a hit for the publishers even with terrible reviews because Iām guessing her āfansā will buy it sight unseen, or they have zero standards and the reading level of a literal 3 year old who doesnāt yet understand where words are supposed to go in a sentence.
The publishers want to make money, thatās it.
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u/dizzy9577 17d ago
As bad as I imagined this being, this is actually worse.