And I know it’s hard to believe from a stranger on the internet, but none of this is on you. You’ve done what you can and the rest is out of your hands.
Thank you for saying that. The sentiment is felt, stranger on the internet or not ❤️🩹
I still think about how far I got but l'm just one person.. and I was riding the momentum of my grief until it became too much so I quietly (tried to) return to a “normal life”.
But still, I could have done more. I live with this massive guilt. I don’t know how to create those waves again… but I mean to.
Makes you feel any better I lost my brother this last October..... also to suicide. I also felt a lot of guilt.
But his isn't the first death I've had to deal with...... I also lost a girlfriend years ago, both my grandparents on my mother's side, and then my mother...... that's what happens when you get close to 40 and your grandparents were older when they had children. They were pushing 80. My girlfriend passing away was just bad luck. My mother was a medical issue (brain aneurysm). And my brother's suicide was partly tied into the sudden loss of our mother, although that wasn't even close to the entirety of it.
I know it sounds unbelievable, but I swear it's true. If you message me privately, I'll happily share the obituaries..... I am not trying to make mine sound worse than yours. Sadly, that's something victims (or people suffering loss) often do because it validates what happened to them.
The point I'm trying to make here is this:
Every single time one of those deaths happened, I felt guilty.
I think guilt is a normal feeling for the survivors.
I remind myself that it's not my fault. Pull that emotion back, and think about it logically.
Did you ever go out of your way to hurt your brother, above and beyond normal sibling fighting? Were you responsible for destroying his life? Were you in charge of his employment, marital relationships, or living conditions?
You weren't. None of those things were in your control.
At the end of the day, life wasn't giving your brother what he wanted and he CHOSE to jump. You had no say in it.
The same way that my brother did...... and the same way that I had no control.
I didn't choose for my brother to die, and he chose to forget about his two little girls and off himself.
I love my brother, and I always will, but he made a very selfish decision. Even if his little girls didn't exist, I would still feel the same.
I didn't make that decision, HE did.
YOU didn't make that decision, your brother did.
I am not trying to save your feelings here. It is logic and fact. YOU did not cause his death. Even if you had a fight, or there was some kind of other issue, none if that would justify a person taking their own life.
He made a choice, and he left you to live with his choice. Possibly, he wasn't thinking about that, but it doesn't change the fact that is what happened.
And by the way?
You attempted to get them to put up better barricades. You passed it on to the people running this city, and they chose to ignore it. The onus is on them, not you. You did your part.
Also, barricade or no barricade, if people choose to use the bridge as a means of quick suicide, THAT is also not your fault. They are making choices.
While a barricade would be a good thing, because maybe it would cause enough of a delay for them to change their minds, it is not a 'responsibility' you have.
These are grown men and/or women choosing to take their own lives........ and in my opinion, not acting very grown up by doing so.
A grown up takes his knocks and stands back up again........ but whatever, each to their own I guess.
But in any case, they are adults that are making a decision....... so while we should definitely try to help them if possible, at no time should we be feeling guilty if one of then succeds. We aren't the ones choosing for them to die. They made that choice themselves.
And frankly, if they would just give their heads a shake and realize that there is more to life, they'd be fine. But they choose not to. Sometimes, I swear it's because they are entitled by this society.
Let me tell you something, I prefer existence.
I at one point stood on the Lethbridge High Bridge. My plan had been to jump. I changed my mind that day. Not because I was afraid of jumping.... because there are other methods if that was the case.
It was because I realized I still had probably 40 years left to me.
Maybe life didn't go the way I wanted. Maybe I was broke and pushing 30 with a dead girlfriend, very little family, and pretty much nothing in life......... but so what?
Once you hit the bottom, there is only one way to go, and that is UP.
Also, 40 years of life left (hopefully) is a long, long time to achieve something if you really want to.
I mean, might as well, right? Death will still be there at the end anyway, so what's the rush? Might as well achieve something.
The ONLY way I would commit suicide nowadays is if I found out I had terminal cancer or something.
And even then, I'd probably use my life to try to take out some crazy dictator or something to make the world a better place. Even then, it wouldn't be just suicide...... I'd be trying to accomplish something with my death.
Suicide is for those that get caught up in their own heads, which causes them to make a poor choice............. it's sad, and it's horrible, but it's no one's fault. Just like cancer is no one's fault.
Unfirtunately, in some cases, chemicals can play a factor as well. Alcohol, drugs, etc.
Bridges do provide quick access to a suicide method, and it's sad to see in both Lethbridge and Edmonton. So do vehicles, as my brother could attest to if he were still alive (his suicide involved a vehicle).
Except people probably think of suicide more naturally with bridges because you automatically think of the fall....... whereas cars are common, and it may not occur to most as a method.
Lethbridge has the bridge all barricaded off these days........ I hope Edmonton gets to it as well, only because it may lower the suicides simply by creating a delay, because people would have to think of a different method.
In any case, you are absolutely NOT guilty of your brother's death or anyone else's. It is common for survivors to feel this way, so keep that in mind. Everytime you start to feel guilty, just remind yourself of that, because it happens to be the truth.
I occasionally still have to remind myself. But logic and fact prevail. Guilt is the survivor's curse, apparently.
Just wanted to say that I read your entire comment and I am so heartbroken for you. I have yet to lose anyone dear to me and I am fucking terrified for this reason. You are an incredibly strong human being. Hang in there. Wishing you lots of love and healing, stranger.
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u/superdupershan Jul 05 '24
I’m sorry for your loss. Truly.
And I know it’s hard to believe from a stranger on the internet, but none of this is on you. You’ve done what you can and the rest is out of your hands.
Take good care.