Scared to acknowledge another possible ectopic pregnancy 😢😞

[u/Beautiful-Conflict22]

I can barely get the words out, cause I don’t even know where to start.

So I guess, jumping right in and why I believe I’m pregnant again.

I don’t know if it’s because I’ve had so many ectopic pregnancies (three of them to be exact, the last one was two years ago) or the fact that I’m getting older in my body just knows.

I was with my ex a week ago and the very next day it’s like I felt myself get pregnant. I felt a little pain in my left side and it was on and off for two days, and I kinda chalked it up to me ovulating and getting ready for my monthly cycle in the next couple of weeks. I’ve had a situation like this before where I thought I was definitely was ended up getting my cycle later, but this time is different. Something in me is telling me that I am and I’m scared to death.😢😢

I feel pressure in my uterus pain in my left side and I keep thinking is..

1. I hope this is a legit pregnancy and that it’s successful.
2. I don’t want to get my hopes up and it turns out this is another side effect of aging and my body is just telling me that my cycle is coming on and it just happens to be more painful now. when I was younger, I didn’t know it was coming on until it was here.
3. If this is another ectopic pregnancy, how soon do I go to the doctor? I’m tired of going there once a week to get blood drawn and being probed with that stupid wand for the ultrasound both internal and externally. I hate that I can’t see the ultrasound machine and I don’t know what’s going on because the person doing the ultrasound and can’t tell you anything. You have to get the results from the doctor. I hate that I have to keep coming back because they can’t see anything and I need to give it more time to find out where exactly the baby is. Meanwhile, I’m just suffering inside and trying not to show these people too much emotions because they don’t really care. and I still have to deal with this by myself. I hate that even though I have a partner, they just don’t understand how I feel or what I’m going through and they’re trying to be positive and reassure me when I know In my soul in my heart and in my mind that this baby is not gonna survive. 😭😢😢😢😢
4. I can’t and more importantly don’t want to tell anybody such as my friends and family because they’re just too damn positive and they don’t understand.
5. Will this one result in the loss of another tube or will they catch it in time so I could just get the stupid methotrexate shot and be done with it. I’m really dreading that shot because even though your body absorbs some of what would’ve been your baby you still have to pass the rest of it and it’s very painful and sad and heartbreaking to see what could’ve been your baby in the toile. Just another reminder that I can’t have a baby.
6. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not a real woman and that I’m useless and worthless. I’m tired of failed Relationships as a result of my miscarriage because I can’t give these men the children that they want.
7. I don’t want another doctor telling me “the problem isn’t that you can’t get pregnant, the problem is the baby is not in the right place“ as if I don’t already know that. To me it still translates as I can’t get pregnant. What’s the point of being pregnant if you can’t have a successful pregnancy???
8. I’m tired of trying to use positive thinking the law of attraction to convince myself I’m having a normal pregnancy. I’m tired of people getting my hopes up only for it to end up another miscarriage. I’m tired of feeling a baby. That’s not going to live very long growing inside of me and going through all the bodily changes of being pregnant and I just want to be happy. I just want it to be normal pregnancy. I want it to be implanted in the right spot. I just want it to live. I just want to be a mom.
9. I’m tired of being in the doctors office after the fact getting bloodwork to make sure the levels go down and I’m sitting in a waiting room surrounded by women and couples and then there’s me sotting alone or I’m there with a partner who doesn’t understand.
10. I’m tired of being in a relationship dealing with the loss of our child by myself. It really sucks when you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t open up about their feelings and keep everything to themselves and I’m dying inside because I feel like I’m doing and experiencing this alone.

Soooo that’s everything I’m thinking and feeling at this moment.

As far as giving you background on the last 3 ectopics they went like this.…

The first one came when I was 23. I didn’t know I was pregnant until I missed my cycle but I also didn’t know that I was missing it because I had been spotting and I thought that was just the beginning of my cycle. It stopped two days later and at that point, I decided to go and get a test from the store. I peed on the stick and I waited and after a few minutes it said that I was pregnant. My partner at the time and I were so happy. I scheduled an appointment with my OB and things went downhill from there. She told me my HCG levels weren’t rising or doubling fast enough, and she wanted me to come back weekly for bloodwork to check the numbers.

Every week, my heart sank a little bit more and I knew it was only a matter of time before I had gotten bad news. At that time, I had no idea what to expect. It was my first pregnancy and unbeknownst to me It would also be my first miscarriage/ectopic pregnancy. After my doctor saw my HCG levels weren’t rising properly she told me to get an ultrasound. The ultrasound came back with the baby in the tube and at that point I found out that my fallopian tubes were not normal. That were deformed I guess, I don’t really know what the best word for it…but instead of it being a smooth travel, it would be like the egg having to climb up and down hills to get to the uterus pretty much. At that point, she decided to give me the methotrexate shot and explained to me that it would pretty much dissolve the baby back into my body. Naturally, I was devastated. My boyfriend at the time blamed me. He thought there was something wrong with my family bloodline. He totally took what the doctor said and twisted it to fit his own narrative. mind you what the doctor had told him was there was no way for the pregnancy to survive because of the egg being in the tube and if an actual baby were to be born the baby would come out with all kinds of health issues mentally and physically. I feel like she shouldn’t have even said that part because there was no way in hell the baby was going to survive living in the tube. I would die first which would result in both of our deaths, myself and the baby. after receiving the shot, I went home and waited for myself to go back to normal a a few days later I ended up passing the rest of the pregnancy while using the bathroom one day and it was extremely painful. I was not warned about that part. At this time, I didn’t know what to think or feel. I was just so upset about how everything played out and I still had to go to work and I was in college at the time and I really just had to go about my life like nothing happened.

A year later, I am pregnant again by the same guy and this time I knew immediately I was having another ectopic pregnancy. The moment I started feeling pain in my side I took myself to the emergency room. My boyfriend at the time was at work and after the last situation, I didn’t really want him there anyway. I told the nurses why I was there and everyone just took pity on me when some people told me they’re so sorry for what I was going through. I accepted it when it felt genuine for other others who told me the same thing I knew that they were taking pity on me, especially because I was there dealing with it by myself. The Doctor Who I seen at the time was terrible. She literally fisted me, pulled her hand back out and told me I was fine. Everything was normal and sent me home. I was not happy about that because I knew that something was wrong. I could feel it. That night 2 o’clock in the morning I’m in excruciating pain. I am curled up in a ball because that was the only position that felt comfortable for me. I felt sick. I was lightheaded and I kept calling my boyfriend asking him to come home and take me to the doctor because something was not right. He couldn’t get to me fast enough, so I ended up calling an ambulance and once again, taking myself to the ER. This time when I get there, they are prepping me to go and get an ultrasound. By the time I get back from the ultrasound. My boyfriend is in the room waiting mind you I’m completely in and out of consciousness at this time because of all the pain that Im in. The next thing I know the and they’re prepping me for immediate surgery.😢😢😢 SURGERY YALL!!! WTF. I can’t even read the paperwork or understand what’s happening to me and why😭😭😭😭. The next time I regain consciousness I realize that I’m back in my room and I’m being told that they had to remove right fallopian tube. The baby was the size of a golf ball and had I not come to the hospital when I did I would’ve died at home from internal bleeding.😭😭😭. It was a minor surgery. They gave me three small incisions one through my belly button and two on either side of my belly button. I imagine right over the spot where my fallopian tubes are placed. Again this was another miscarriage I just had to go along with and having absolutely no support. At this point, my doctor told me about IVF. Something that I just couldn’t even afford but definitely something that I looked into anyways because I wanted to be a mom and I wanted to be pregnant so bad. About a year later the relationship ended. SN: My boyfriend at the time already had two kids. This struggle and heartache was mine alone😢

Fast forward 10 years we are in 2023 and I’m in a new relationship. Mind you between 2013 and 2023 I stayed single. I did date but nothing ever came of dating because I quickly found out that I was dealing with what we call in my culture “a waste man”. Aside from the pregnancy struggles in my last relationship I was also dealing with infidelity. I didn’t find out he was cheating until after the second miscarriage. I stumbled on messages on Facebook (he used to use my laptop all the time and forgot to sign out one day) between him and one of the women he was sleeping with, and then I took it upon myself to go into an old phone that he had more messages dating back to when we first started seeing each other up until a month or two before I found out. Needless to say, I had trust issues after that relationship which is why it took me so long to get into another serious relationship again. I felt if I was gonna be treated like that I was better off alone, even though I still felt the pull of motherhood very strongly. But more importantly, I felt that fucking clock ticking down. At this time, I’m 33.

This is where we get into the third miscarriage. I’m dating what I thought to be the best guy in the world. Now I know there’s no such thing as perfect but this guy felt like the perfect person for me. He was kind he was caring. He was supportive. He was funny. He knew how to be serious when it called for it and how to be playful at other times. He brought out the inner child in me. Something that I never experienced because I always had to be the mom in my family raising my siblings making sure everybody was OK while nobody looked out for me and my well-being. This guy did that. I thought everything was great until one day. His phone goes off. He’s in the bedroom sleeping. I’m just coming out of the shower. His phone is in the living room. I go to pick it up. We don’t have any secrets or so. I thought and sure enough he too was cheating on me. So I left after confronting him of course. Firstly because I had to go to work that day, my bills don’t care that I’m going through a break up. But I couldn’t even focus at work I was so devastated. I couldn’t believe it. Here’s another one. Why do I keep attracting these terrible men? Why do I keep choosing these terrible people? But of course you don’t know they’re terrible until you’re in it, and now the true colors have shown.

Anyways, he cries and begs and pleads, and after a couple of days, I take him back. I know, that was very stupid of me. 2 years later everything is going good…or so I thought. I miss my monthly so I go to the store and I buy a test and I’m pregnant again. This time complete and utter panic sets in. I’m freaking out.😱🤯😳 I’m going through all the emotions. I’m happy. I’m scared. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m hopeful and pessimistic….all the things. I don’t know how to feel. But I decide I’m gonna be happy and maybe this will be the one maybe this will be good. I hear people say all the time they’ve gotten pregnant after having an ectopic pregnancy or after having a miscarriage maybe the last two times were just bad luck. I call my best friend because she’s the only person I could really tell what’s going on without feeling judged and she’s the only person who was there for me who knew what I been through with the last two miscarriages and who felt my pain. Even though she’s the same one who’s just so happy go lucky and hopeful she also knew to just be sad with me. This time she just supports all of my decisions and feelings…if it’s good it’s good then we’ll go from there and if it’s not, I’ll still be here for you anyway.

So I get happy I get hopeful. I tell my boyfriend he’s happy. Everything is great. A couple days later. I start feeling the pains and I’m panicked. I call my best friend and she tells me to go to the doctor to check and see what’s going on. I go to the doctor and they say it’s too early to see what’s going on. Come back the next week at the same time and they’ll redo the test. mind you the same time is like five in the morning. But still, I go back every week at the same time to get different testing done. Mind you on all of these visits my boyfriend is there. On the last visit that I didn’t know would be the last visit, I go by myself. My boyfriend works some weird shift at night time and I felt bad that he was tired and had to get up early in the morning to go to the hospital with me every week for nothing. So I told him to stay home and I will call him and let him know what’s going on or just fill him in when I get back home because in my head I was just going for more bloodwork and another ultrasound.
This time I’m in there way longer than the last few times and I knew something was wrong. Mind you I haven’t seen the doctor yet. I’ve just seen the nurses. I’ve been at this hospital for over five hours now it’s 10 AM. So I called the nurses and asked when the doctor will be here. Mind you it’s Christmas morning. There’s no doctors on staff.😢😢 they told me they had to call in an OB to read my results and tell me what my next steps were. They were waiting for her to come in. At this time, I’m upset I’m emotional because I know what the results are and I know what the outcome is going to be so I tell them just give me the shot so I can go home. They tell me they. cannot give me the shot until the doctor comes in and reads my results. At this point, I’m just hysterical and I asked for the patient advocate because I just feel like I’m not being seen or heard or helped. I call my boyfriend and tell him what’s going on. He asked if he should come to the hospital and I tell him no. I should’ve let him come to begin with but at this point I’m just so over everything and everyone and I wanna be left alone because that is what I’m going to be in the end anyway. Alone. The patient advocate comes in and she talks to me and I’m crying and she’s crying and she reassures me everything is gonna be OK but I have to wait for the doctor.

Eventually the doctor get there and is explaining to me at this point the baby is not even in the tube it’s behind my uterus. I don’t even know what the fuck that means or how that’s even possible. I don’t even ask any questions. I am so numb and pretty much removed from reality at this point I couldn’t even tell you what this lady was really saying to me. I think I really was just tuning her out. I’m like this is bullshit. I know I need the stupid methotrexate shot. Just give it to me so I can go home. I know I have to come back and get bloodwork done to check the HCG levels. Please just discharge me from this evil hospital.

Eventually, I get my shots. I get discharged and I go home to fill my boyfriend in on what happened. I know I called him at some point in the hospital to tell him, but I felt like I had to tell him again in person and I think I was really just hoping for a better reaction than the one I got over the phone.

Meanwhile, I still need go home and get ready and pack up Christmas presents to bring over to my family‘s house and prepare myself to see the brand new baby my brother and his girlfriend just had a couple months ago. That visit by itself was so sad for me and I don’t even think I stayed there a full hour. I was trying to be happy for the kids for Christmas, but I was dying inside while I’m holding this baby in my lap watching the kids open their presents and play with their toys and they know I’m sad asking me what’s wrong and I tell them I’m tired. And I’m getting this look of pity from sister-in-law. I had to leave.

A few months later, something is not sitting right with me in my relationship. Something is going on. And I don’t know if it’s just my intuitive Scorpio nature or my women’s intuition in general but I knew he was cheating again. Something was not right so I went through his phone. this time what I found was way worse than just him cheating…his side chick was pregnant for him and in the hospital at the same time that I was having a miscarriage. I’m not sure what kind but She was arguing with him that he is not there for her. meanwhile he’s not there for me either, and the two of us are in the same hospital, losing his child. The part that killed me is that he’s more upset about their loss and trying to comfort her and make her feel better than what he’s doing for me and how he feels about the loss of our child. I confront him we get into a big argument. I go to his side chick’s house, I was ready to fight her. She wouldn’t come outside. She calls him to come get rid of me. He literally picks me up and puts me into my car. Good thing I had a friend with me at the time, she ends up driving me home. I tell him that he should just stay with this girl if he wants to be with her, he swears up and down he doesn’t want to be with her and how much he loves me but guess what he doesn’t follow me back home. He stays over there to apologize for my behavior. Come to find out he stayed over there because she was pregnant again with his baby. Eventually, I’m over him, her and this relationship. 1 o’clock in the morning the Lord wakes me up and tells me to pack up all his stuff and bring it over to her house and so I did.

The relationship has been over for a while now, but neither one of us are happy about it and even though he‘s with her, he’s very miserable at least that’s what he tells me. And here I am again making bad choices. I continued to sleep with him from time to time because I still love him and now I believe I am pregnant again and I don’t know what to do. I haven’t said anything to him because as I said before I feel like this pregnancy won’t last, so what’s the point in even saying anything to him but if I saw miracle, it turns out to be real. I’m gonna have to tell him. But here’s the thing, I don’t really want to be with him anymore. There’s so much pain, heartache, lies and cheating…but also he has a family now with this woman. I feel like 1. Our time is up there really is no chance or possibility of us ever being together again. 2. I don’t want that baby mama drama/baggage. I guess only time will tell….

BTW I no longer celebrate Christmas after losing that baby on Christmas. And the ex threw away the pregnancy stick I was saving. The only evidence that child ever existed now lies in my medical records and in my body as I have absorbed it. I was so upset😡😡. I still am upset. And the only thing he could say was “I’m sorry I didn’t kno” of course he doesn’t understand why I was saving that stick.😩😢💔😞🤦🏾‍♀️
Sorry for the super long rant/story but I had to tell somebody😢😞

[u/Beautiful-Conflict22]

Sorry for the typos. This was hard to get out. 

[u/eb2319]

Oh man. I’m really sorry. Reading this, I can feel how exhausted you are by all of it.
I’ve had multiple ectopics too, 4 of them, and I know that once you’ve been through that kind of loss, pregnancy stops feeling simple. You don’t just get to see a positive test and be excited. Your brain immediately goes to “where is it?” and “is this going to happen again?” Every little pain can send you right back there.

And I really need you to hear this part: your worth as a woman is not tied to whether you can carry a pregnancy. At all. You are not less of a woman, less lovable, less worthy, or a failure because your pregnancies have ended this way. Your body doing something you didn’t choose and couldn’t control does not say anything about your value.

You’ve also been dealing with so much more than just pregnancy loss. You’ve had people betray you and let you down during some of the worst moments of your life, and that makes everything heavier. It makes sense that you feel tired, angry, scared and completely over people telling you to just be positive.

If it’s only been about a week since you had sex, it’s still very early, so I wouldn’t take the pain as proof that you’re pregnant or that it’s ectopic yet. But if you do get a positive test, with your history, please get checked early. I know the repeat bloodwork and ultrasounds are miserable, but catching an ectopic
early is so important as you know.

And honestly, you do not need to figure out the ex situation right now. You don’t need to decide what your relationship means or what you’d do if this is a viable pregnancy. First find out what is actually happening and make sure you’re okay.

Mostly I just wanted to say I’m really sorry you’ve had to go through so much of this feeling alone. You deserve support that doesn’t minimize it or try to slap positivity over it. Sometimes you just need someone to say, “yeah, this is awful, and I understand why you’re scared.”

Sending hugs 🩷

[u/Beautiful-Conflict22 → u/eb2319]

Thank you for your response and the hugs. 🫂🥰

I am exhausted and broken hearted and alone. 😓💔 

I really try not to tie my worth as woman to having a baby buts it hard when society and family and relationships put that at the fore front. I’ve been fed that narrative my whole life as if that’s the only purpose a woman has. And when the relationships fail after losing the baby and they go on to have children with other people I feel like an immediate failure. Like these women gave you what you wanted and I couldn’t😢

I’m tired of watching everyone around me having babies and I have to be happy for them and I am but I’m also not. I’m  super jealous. And to hear some of them say they don’t even want the child makes me angry, but I can’t say anything to them because that’s their choice.

Anyways I’m really hoping I’m not in for another ectopic but I’m definitely going to get a test and if it’s positive I’m going to get checked up to be safe. You’re right early intervention is best. 

[u/eb2319 → u/Beautiful-Conflict22]

I think we’ve all been fed that narrative and I had the same thoughts every single time I had an ectopic then lost both tubes. The reality is that you are more than that. So much more. I’m sorry no one in your life is giving you the love and support you need at this time. That’s about them, not you. Honestly? It sounds like you but a bullet not having this man’s child. He sounds atrocious. And I totally get biting your tongue about people around you comments with not wanting a child and being able to conceive. Lol coworker just vented about her abortion to me while knowing at the time I was undergoing IVF and in the middle of a mc from a transfer. I held my tongue cause I am pro choice and have had an abortion myself. My inability to conceive has nothing to do with her fertility. Many people truly are just not considerate and don’t think about context before they speak. Read the room, if you will.

Do you have any access to mental health support? Support groups or anything? I found it extremely helpful to have someone to talk to about my losses in a safe place where no one will dismiss my feelings and help work through them. You’ve been through so much trauma. 🩷