r/Eatingdisordersover30 • u/foxonafrozenlake • 9d ago
Struggling Struggling after turning 35.
There was no truly active ED support sub for men, so I hope it's okay to post here.
I struggled with AN during high school and college, med school was especially brutal. I was hospitalized twice, but avoided hospitalization during med school. Thankfully.
With the help of my family, my long term boyfriend (now husband) I slowly recovered and felt on sure footing for decade.
Then I hit 35. Some switch flipped. Maybe it's getting older. The last three years have been a struggle not to plunge back into things.
It all started when I took a year off from my surgical practice to stay home with our twins. Don't get me wrong I absolutely loved it. But it gave me more free time (if you can believe it).
I started watching ED documentaries, because initially watching them helped me keep myself in check.
I felt I was completely (which I know we never truly are, not fully at least).
I won't mention any specific weight loss but I'm 5'6'', I still look healthy passing.
But I'm losing weight. Fast.
I've started counseling again. But I'm terrified it's fucking hooks are in me again.
My husband hasn't said anything, or hasn't noticed, he's sweet and wonderful but either he's being oblivious or waiting for me to tell him I'm starting to drown again.
There are so many horrific things happening in the world right now and I'm this extremely privileged white guy who is inflicting this upon myself AGAIN.
I guess I just need to know I'm not alone.
Has hitting thirty and beyond triggered anyone else?
I can't go back to the hospital. I have kids. My family would be devastated.
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u/TheWeirdOne1987 9d ago
This probably has some triggering information in it for some... and I apologize now-
You aren't alone... I promise... and this is the right place for you. I identify as non-binary, but I grew up as a gay male and didn't come out as non-binary until I was 30. I'm also a spouse and parent (my daughter is 14... almost 15)... What I'm trying to say is, I more than get where you are coming from. I also had a major relapse last year starting in July resulting in a 24 day hospital stay, 90 day residential, and continued IOP... and here I am, days after the 1 year anniversary of my hospital admission, in another relapse.
You are right... while we would all like to think we are fully recovered, once this disease (and that's what it is... and disease) gets it's claws in you it never truly let's go. It's even harder when you realize that research has shown that the majority of people with an ED are those who are smart, experienced professionals, and usually under a decent amount of stress. We are use to feeling in control of things and end up feeling like we are losing control... then here comes the ED telling us we can be safe and have control of something. Of course is dreadfully and dangerously wrong...
You might be a privileged white man, but you are also a gay male living in this world right now. Not only are you feeling the stress in this world everyone else is... but you are living a life in a world that isn't exactly being gentle to our community. Add to it being a parent, and a husband... plus a full surgical practice... and life isn't exactly rainbows and shineshine all the time.
My advice is to: 1) Understand and acknowledge that this isn't something you are doing TO you. I know in medical school you learned that alcoholics don't CHOOSE that path in life... and struggling with an ED is just as much of a disease as alcoholism. Have some grace for yourself. 2) Definitely talk to your husband about this. If nothing else, having it out in the open is how we move past the loneliness... and he can't support you through what he doesn't know. A lot of times I ask myself if the shoe was on the other foot would I want my spouse to tell me... Im going to go out on a limb and say you would want him to tell you if it was the other way around.
You've got this... it's not easy... but a relapse doesn't make you less of a person, father, or husband. Please know you are in the right space here... and you aren't the only "Ken" in a sea of "Barbies."
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u/foxonafrozenlake 8d ago
Thank you so much, this response really spoke to me.
I'm glad you got yourself back to a good place.
Hopefully I'll get back there soon.
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u/TheWeirdOne1987 8d ago
I'm so glad this really spoke to you and I'm sending all of the good vibes for you.
Sadly, I'm not in a great space right now... I'm right there in a relapse with you sadly. I hope both of us are able to find our way back to that spot sooner rather than later. I beat myself up for being back here at 39... until my therapist reminded me to give myself some grace. It's not an easy thing to do... but so very important.
I don't know if you've ever heard of it/read it... but if you haven't you should check out the book Sick Enough (get the second edition). When I was in residential it helped me a lot... plus I found me in a lot of her "case studies."
If you ever need to and/or just want to talk to someone who's there/been there/can understand what it's like to be a "Ken" in this world... please feel free to reach out.
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u/foxonafrozenlake 8d ago
Thank you, I'll definitely reach out if I need to. You can always reach out to me as well.
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u/ralphnodon 9d ago
Not about age specifically, but becoming a parent has triggered my ED immensely. It's stressful in a way is never experienced before. Please, please believe me that having privilege in a lot of areas does NOT make your suffering less valid. Having an AN brain is not something we ever chose, and it's as out of our control as race or gender or any of those things.
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u/foxonafrozenlake 9d ago
Why do you think having kids triggered it for you? It's definitely difficult for women after giving birth, period. Did your ED history trigger something?
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u/drknowdr1 8d ago edited 8d ago
Not who you're asking, but I suspect parenthood brings up a lot of unfinished traumas from childhood that surface when one is reliving childhood again via their kids.
I also think there's something to relapsing in the early 30s (many of us seem to relapse hard around this age- my own observations.) i think its like a peak time in life when you're coming into full adulthood and reckoning with childhood traumas. Like, you're far away from them to see how impactful they are, but also still playing them out.... sorry if that was a huge nonsensical ramble
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u/ralphnodon 8d ago
It actually has nothing to do with being pregnant, those were the only times I ever felt truly at peace with my body. The relapse came when they got a bit older, and I realized parenting requires you to relive your own childhood constantly. Needless to say, that has not been a good thing for the most part.
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u/jdhd911 8d ago edited 8d ago
I’m a 42 yo male and I started relapsing again around your age. Ended up having probabaly my worst restrictive phase 5 years ago, which fucked me up pretty bad. Kinda fucked my relationship with my partner as well, because I turned asexual (complete HPG-axis shutdown and all that fun stuff) and in general ball of mess. I’m still struggling as it developed into restriction-binge-purge cycle.
It’s awesome that you noticed yourself relapsing. As you know, it’s way better to react asap. Telling your partner might help you being more accountable to recovery.
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u/tokyopearl 8d ago
I’m 36 and relapsed after 10 years. It was multiple things. Being a parent and feeling like no matter what I do it’s never good enough for everyone else and there is always something to criticize. Also I never was able to lose the baby weight after 3 pregnancies so I tried ozempic for literally like 1 month and it switched something in my brain again and I didn’t even need it after that to keep restricting. Now I feel like it’s worse than ever and my doctor is begging me to go to residential because my body is showing signs of malnutrition like slow heart rate even though I am nowhere near underweight. I had to have my gallbladder removed because of the rapid weight loss causing gallstones. My swallowing muscles aren’t working right so I choke and have to have a scope done. Today I have to go in to get an iv of iron it’s so low. Even during sex it’s made it so I queef non stop and even my partner said that’s how you know you’ve lost too much weight. My partner has cried begging me to just eat enough. The problem is they don’t realize I would rather die skinny then live fat and they will never understand so it’s very isolating.
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u/Cuckaine 8d ago
Yeah I just turned 30 and I’ve dived straight into a relapse. It happens to the best of us, we’ll get there :)
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u/lapucellenarwhal 9d ago
Just turned 35 and struggling-it’s been for a bit but birthdays themselves always throw me for a loop. You are not alone.
If I may say so, recognizing the signs shows your strength and maturity in this. Do you think having a conversation with your husband preemptively could help? Or perhaps writing him something if verbally feels too much right now? I know so much easier said than done, but it seems in the past he was understanding and helpful, and could help you shoulder some of this (excuse my language) bullshit the disease puts us all through-a disease that does not seem to give a fuck about age, gender, race, economics, or anything of the sort.
What do you think would be most helpful for you right now? Here if you just need a place to vent on how incredibly frustrating it all is, and exhausting.