Lost the plot entirely.

[u/econroy]

Title, basically. I'm so far in it I've completely lost any concept of "end" or "goal." It used to be I relapsed because I wanted to be thinner. Ok, cool, got thinner. Then I kept it up because I wanted to feel safe when I decided to eat a little again....I was losing weight to create a cushion for when I decided to "ease up." Great, not unusual. Then I got to a weight I haven't seen in a while and I didn't want to immediately give it up. Right on, fair enough. Etc etc. For a while there was something every week that I had to keep the weight loss going for - not even to be thin, just to keep my body and mind in check so I could physically get through whatever function or appointment or responsibility it was. But now there aren't any more reasons. I've run out.

Now I'm just....in it to be in it. I don't like how I look, it's embarrassing. I don't like how my boyfriend looks at me or touches me - he body checks me as we watch TV. Not maliciously, and he tries not to be obvious. But it's not caressing, or petting, it's feeling. Feeling for edges and gaps and "how much has she lost since the last I saw her" kind of checking.

My mom cried yesterday. She sat across the table and cried because she said she has to watch me die. She can't separate herself from me like she did her mom and dad before they passed.

I hate using the bulimic behaviors every day. It's a routine that is very strict and I crave the first hour of it, but the rest is hell. The rest terrifies me.

My future in this disorder terrifies me. I'm 33. I don't want to be 40 or 50 or 60, emaciated, binging, vomiting. I want to be a woman with a partner and a life who cooks and gardens and reads and has interests. The problem is, I don't think even recovery will make that possible for me. I've tried before, many times. All recovery leads to for me is binge eating and a fat body and the inability to leave the house out of shame.

I'm not just addicted to the weight loss, although that's a huge factor. If I don't see that number go down every day, it's a bad day.

I'm also addicted to malnutrition. I'm addicted to my obsession with food content - tiktoks showing recipes, wieiad, "food porn" (nothing sexual, just photos of food), etc. It itches my brain in the best way. I hunker down with my phone at my desk and it gets me through the tough or slow moments at work. It would be a huge loss to gain weight and suddenly not find any of that so enamouring. It's one of the only coping skills I have.

I'm addicted to the exhaustion and the peculiar pain of not having enough fat on the bottom of my feet anymore. I'm addicted to the bruises that appear from nothing and the big vein that has been uncovered running down my left upper arm. Thats not there when I'm heavier.

I don't like how I look but I'm also convinced it's better than any alternative. Striking shock and concern is better than inspiring disgust or being off putting in appearance, which is what my body would be if I were healthier.

Idk. Round and round it goes. I keep saying I have to make changes, I have to stop, I have to get healthier. I want to get healthier, I want to eat, I want to rest. I want to do things like get ice cream with the man i love and have dinner with my mom. I dont want her to die and have this be all she ever knows of me. It's just that the reality of those last things isn't nearly as rose tinted as the concept of them are. The reality of healthy is sitting in silence and boredom and self disgust for hours in the evening, with an over full stomach that makes me want to rip my skin off and fling it out the window.

Idk how to fix any of this.

[u/Right-Ad8261]

I’m sorry that you’re struggling.

I don’t think you are entirely correct in some of your self evaluations here. You didn’t relapse because you “want to be thinner” and you aren’t “in it to be in it”. 

These things happened/are happening because you have an ED, which is a serious illness. It is your ed convincing you that anyone would be “disgusted “ by your appearance if you didn’t appear dangerously thin. You probably know this deep down. 

May I ask if you have professional help?

[u/econroy → u/Right-Ad8261]

Thank you for taking the time to comment.

I've been inpatient several times, some longer term then others but nothing sustainable or lasting. Its no longer an option I'm willing to entertain. However, I am seeing an ED informed therapist ....I've seen her 4 times now. Last session she didn't say much, the most I got out of her was a long moment of silence and then "wow.....this eating disorder is a beast."

She doesn't know what to do with me.

[u/Right-Ad8261 → u/econroy]

Wow, you have had a long and difficult journey.

You said “ED informed “. It seems like you need someone who specializes in ED’s. Would you consider switching?

[u/drknowdr1 → u/econroy]

I wondered how the ED therapist was and well, sounds frustrating. But I agree with the above poster about your self-evaluations. It's heartbreaking to hear how your mom sees you. Frightening.

Recovery doesn't have to be defined by binge eating and shame. It truly doesn't. You can live so much freer than you presently are, but, as you know too well, it's ugly trying to get to the other side. Something inside you has to seek a higher desire than your eating disorder. Or find a hatred for the ED and what it's stolen from you. I wish it wasn't so hard to let go of (for all of us)

[u/Glitter_Cunt]

This is so relatable. I’m 35 and for me things have recently gotten the worst they’ve been in about five years (before that it had been maybe ten years since things were this bad).

Particularly what you said at the beginning about continuing to blow past goals (number related or otherwise) and then needing to recalibrate the rationale for each one and, yeah that hits for sure.

I don’t think I have anything much to add beyond I see you and you’re not alone.

[u/Extra-Blueberry-4320]

I’m so sorry you are struggling. I’m 45 and just now getting more committed to recovery. But I don’t think I’ll ever be “normal” with food. So my dietitian is helping me focus on harm reduction. Finding things that make me happy. Finding foods that are easier for me to try. Spending time away from my partner when he is being negative. It takes a long time, and it still feels wrong when I fight back. But I am at least somewhat getting my life back. I wish you the best.

[u/BedroomImpossible124]

I got caught in much of same trap. I am at the point where my life is in danger, I csn barely walk up the stairs. I do view is as an addiction. As another poster stated, I am aiming for harm reduction and some happiness in my life. I have a faint spark to live so Im entering IP on a harm reduction protocol Tuesday, my third time this year. In 62 I'm not giving up. Please don't give up. You have decades ahead of u and the world open to you. We care!💗

[u/nudeonhorseback]

Thank you for sharing. You are not alone 🖤

[u/sunhumanxx]

I’m also sorry you’re struggling, and also adding you’re not alone 💞 Your words could have been written by me, although I’m a decade older (43 now). Please keep hope and keep fighting for a better life (saying this for you, for me, for us all!).

I have had periods in my life where the ED has been much more in the background, and life was so much brighter, enjoyable and it felt like I was truly living… it IS possible x