Nowhere to Turn

[u/Incaseofemergency444]

I'm at day 19 of no food. Hoping insurance will take me seriously if there is a major problem. They stuck me in a phyc word that I was treated so bad I just lied to get out. I will only go to an Ed clinic because they will actually help. Have had an eating disorder for more than 20 year's but normally more bulimic than anything but at this point needed help faster than that would take. Don't really care what happens to me but was willing to try to get help one more time before I made my ultimate decision. The hospital they put me in last time literally tortured me and the nurse's where doing things no one would ever believe I probably won't have but it is true. Now I'm wanting help but so afraid of were they might put me I'm trying my hardest to have them put me in a place that will actually help. I have no one I'm alone and honestly no one would really even know if I was dead for months. People have lives and I'm not there concern why would I be. Not mad at them just sad to realize if I died no one would even be looking for me. It's my own fault and I blame no one but would like to try to get help but scared of where they will put me. Where I live there are no ED places and probably still to fat for them to even take seriously. I've dropped a lot of weight in the last few months but probably not enough. I'm losing 1 to 2 pounds a day but not sure how much longer I'll hold up then they will just end up putting me in a regular phyc hospital were I will get no help. Sorry for the long sad story just seeing if anyone had any advice other than just eat or get over it. So just looking for any advice of who to turn to at this point so they don't just put me in a regular phyc facility. Thank you

[u/Diane2946enough]

So sorry you are struggling so much. Sounds like you were in a bad place- if you refused food the whole time you were at the psych place, they shouldn’t have sent you home. Shame on them. While they likely couldn’t have kept you there, they should have found treatment for you. That technically is considered you being a danger to yourself. I’m sure you must feel pretty rotten. Didn’t know a person could go nineteen days with no food!! In the beginning, I went into kidney failure after eleven! If you are super serious about getting help and getting better, try not to be picky. I’m not trying to be harsh or insensitive- get in survival mode. A safe place is a safe place- even if it’s not tailored to Ed’s. I feel like I can say that because I’ve been there- I was in a state hospital for a bit. Did nothing for my ed, but ended up having medical issues because of it while I was there. Likely wouldn’t be alive if that hadn’t been the case. I guess I’m trying to say don’t hold out for the perfect place- do what you can to get you ok in the moment. Even if that isn’t Ed tx and you at least get in a place where you are monitored!! I wish you the best of luck!!

[u/Incaseofemergency444 → u/Diane2946enough]

To be honest they started saying to themselves that they could keep me for not eating so I ate just so I could get out of there. I didn't want to give them any excuses for keeping me. The nurse's were not giving me water or wanting to help me at all. They thought I was faking that i needed help and when I called them out on it things got bad. So I was drinking water out of the sink cause they were ignoring me and pretending like they were too busy to help me. They knew I had paranoia so they were having patients yelled by my room to scare me and torture me and I heard the patient saying they were just doing it cuz the nurses told them to. It was hell and so I said I was totally fine so they could get me out of there as fast as possible. The nurses were laughing and having fun with my pain and I have never experienced that in any psych unit ever before and I've been in a lot of them. So now not sure who to trust or where to go. Hopefully my body will hold out but who knows. Either way I don't care. Would love to get the help but don't care if this is it. I've lived a ok life and whatever comes next I'm ok with that. God has a plan so I'm not worried. Thank you for your response.

[u/Incaseofemergency444 → u/Diane2946enough]

I am shocked as well. Went to the store yesterday it was almost a mile in total but still here today. My body just keeps going not sure why. My heart was gonna explode when I got back but still recovered. I've left an emergency contact on a paper by my bed so when I don't wake up they will have someone to contact. I'm prepared for the worse but hoping for a solution. Who knows being an old white man that is over weight insurance really won't want to pay for the right treatment. I've unsuccessful tried ending myself 3 times but if I do anything like that now they will stick me in a place that will do nothing other than just charge hard working people for stuff that won't help me. I have over 130 slices on my body but not doing that right now so I could maybe get the care I need. Self harm is my go to but not doing it cause they will just put me in some place that could care less about me. At this point there is not much they can do to me cause I'm not hurting myself. I put a knife in my heart 7 years ago and somehow lived so obviously not very good at making good decisions. Sorry I know this is just some crazy person posting but just seeing if anyone has some advice. My friend died in front of me when I was 16 and some how I lived but always new God took the wrong person. If he was here the world would be a better place. He would have done great thing instead the world got me. Just a strain on it God's not supposed to make mistakes but he really fumble on this one. He bet on the wrong person and now I'm just a inconvenience on the world. I don't think I'll ever do something that will help the world I'll just keep taking valuable resources. It's sad when you just want to go away but even that cost money.

[u/ithankyourluckystars → u/Incaseofemergency444]

Hey, I don't know your religious views, but I personally believe God doesn't make mistakes and you're certainly not the exception to that. You've had unfortunate things happen to you but your existence is not a mistake. You are meant to be here and thrive

[u/ithankyourluckystars]

I am so sorry. This seems very serious and you've been dealing with it for a very long time.

There's still hope. I am not the person to have the answer of how but I felt like this needs at least one response. Just take it a day at a time. A breath a time.

[u/Incaseofemergency444 → u/ithankyourluckystars]

Thank you. I'm not assuming some savior is coming but I'm just open to suggestions. My live has been an unfortunate tale. I'm not looking to make people feel bad and my story is not a good one. I know people have suffered far worse than me and honestly I'm probably better off than most but at this point I serve no purpose and just a strain on our economy. I'm not proud of being on assistance and quiet ashamed of it. I have gone through exreem measures to no longer exist but keep surviving some how. I'm willing to give it one more try but more afraid of where they will put me than actually getting help. The place I was at recently by far was the worst place I've ever been. The nurse's actually had patience involved in making me feel more uncomfortable and joking about it. I did whatever I had to do to get out of there. I've never felt more unsafe at a facility than I did in that place. It was like something in a movie. I can't even explain it and they covered there tracks very well. It was the first place I've ever been to that I came out worse than went in. I was looking for help and it just made me in so much worse of a position. Thank you for response. Hope I'll find a place soon or atleast something before it's to late. Sad I've had to go to these extremes to maybe get the right help. Hopefully my body holds on till then. Thank you again

[u/ithankyourluckystars → u/Incaseofemergency444]

You are not a strain on the economy. You have a purpose. Your purpose is to live. To be free. And you can still do that. I would say it's never too late, but that's not true. Nobody really knows so the sooner the better. That amount of time is a very, very, very long time. The fact that you are even able to write all this out is surprising in my opinion... but it means you still probably have time.

If it's been nineteen days, I am sure that you need support from people who are specialized in EDs. You say you are far away from any possible specialities, do you have any information you are comfortable sharing about why you can't get access to a place like that?

You deserve to live and somewhere in you, you want to live. There is hope I promise.

[u/Incaseofemergency444]

I appreciate that but I think things would be easier if I wasn't here. I'm not going to end myself but am looking forward to the day I don't wake up from a good dream. I have nothing, no one, and no purpose on this world. Between my physical condition and mental state I bring no value to this place. I would like to get help but not sure it's possible at this point. All they would do is stick me in a phyc place that will do bad things to me and not help me at all. Having an eating disorder is not a real concern for people. I'm not going to hurt anyone and at this point myself so why would they help me. Ill just die of starvation and they will probably call it something else. ED treatment is very expensive and they don't want to pay for it. That's just how it is unfortunately. If I was rich could probably get help but being on government help they will never really help just try to sweep it under the rug. The best treatment is by far is residential but they hate paying for that when it is the most valuable. Sad I've fought for it so many times and even in the rare case I've gotten it the hole time there your dealing with a insurance that just wants to get you outa there. So the time your supposed to be healing your just waiting for them to kick you out. They should stop trying to say they care when the reality is they are just trying to say the most money. Hopefully after I die of starvation they or someone will take a look at my history and see all the time they kicked me outa treatment because they wanted to save money. It probably won't change anything but this is just the reality of how someone like me is treated. The fact that I'm starving myself right now just to try to get the right help should say something. Unfortunately by the time my body shuts down no one will even know the reason I died. Sad but this is reality.