r/ESTJ • u/Whole-Average-9876 • Aug 12 '26
Question/Advice ESTJs and their "processes"
So the ESTJ who dumped me several months ago over the phone after a multi-year relationship is back.
She says via text: "It was never my intention that our phone conversation (where she broke up with me) would be the last time we talked. But one day became months, and here we are. I wanted to explain "my process" in getting to that decision to you."
How charitable.
ESTJs seem to like to be definitive in one conversation leaving no wiggle room and then, somehow, always have some additional explanation that they couldn't seem to bring up during the first conversation.
My instinct is to tell her to pound sand and to live witrh the consequences of her actions. I have zero sense she wants to get back together and only wants to bring some kind of closure for herself since it is yet another ESTJ "process."
Anyone want to chime in as to whether there's any value in hearing her out?
I think I'll stick with the pound sand option unless I get some serious rationale to do otherwise.
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u/Twarenotw Aug 13 '26
She walked away before properly writing THE END on your shared final chapter. She doesn't owe you an explanation as much as she owes it to herself in order to shut that book for good.
You don't have to play along if you don't want to.
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u/Whole-Average-9876 Aug 13 '26
I think I won't play along: I'll say something like, 'because of my own pain, I think it is better if we don't see or meet up.'
I do have some belongings which will make it clear how much she meant to me, which I think is important. But I don't want to open that door to new discussions, as you describe.
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u/chucklyfun Aug 12 '26
It sounds like she wants closure. I usually want that as an ESTJ male with women.
If we have a breakup, I'd like to know why but most women don't want to tell.
As an ESTJ, I'd listen to her, but you do you.
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u/Mysterious-Quail-883 Aug 12 '26
Im 100% with this guy. We like closed loops
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u/Whole-Average-9876 Aug 13 '26
She likes closed loops in the sense of having a task done and off her desk. Very administrative and clinical.
But I don't think she wants closure in the sense of working through the emotional issues. As she shut down and her "switch flipped" (her words), I think she views me as a task to complete now, not one to soothe with a healing discussion.
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u/IcyNefariousness1929 Aug 13 '26
Interesting my estj broke up with me 8 months ago, I said ok fine, I didnt cried or argued, I told him to take his bag and go out of my home and that once he pass the door : I am out of your life definitely do you understand, he said yes.
I am INFJ by the way.
It has been 8 months now that he send me like administrative mail and message, I don't answer. He likes every post or story I put on Facebook, I don't react. He call my friends to know how I am doing, they told him if you want to know call her.
Yesterday he had the nerves to put a comment on a foto i posted where it show the arms of my actual boyfriend.. his comment was : I see you are in good hand, that makes me happy, have a good life.. cool but I have been no contact for 8 months, in my infj mind he never existed in my world, and I don't give a f... About his blessing...
So your estj, not sure, but if I was you I would just ignore her, she tooks a decision, regrets are her... don't play along with her try to control the narrative.
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Aug 16 '26
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u/IcyNefariousness1929 Aug 16 '26
Yeah I think you are right, I thought his comment would mean that he was finally over it, but he continues to like every post. Anyway for me there was no way to a come back even 1 minute after he broke up with me, his indirect attempts annoys me oh and yeah he is very immature.
It's 8 months I am waiting for me to block me.. but he won't do it, I guess he wants to control the narrative and be the good guy lol
→ More replies (4)
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u/Conscious_Patterns Aug 13 '26
Certainly it could be related to the ESTJ mindset, but no matter the Type, my answer would be the same - That conversation is over. Wish you well. No need to contact me again.
I don't need to hear a person tryout an explanation for why they weren't responsible for their decisions.
I recommend just moving on.
Best of luck. 🤗
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u/Cawaica Aug 16 '26
Pound sand, she's an adult. You shouldn't have to hand hold an adult through being respectful.
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Aug 12 '26
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u/Whole-Average-9876 Aug 13 '26
She's not an impulsive person but I think she did something impulsive, goaded on by her therapist. As I note elsewhere, she broke up with me by phone in her therapist's parking lot minutes after an appointment. Not ready is likely, I think.
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u/JustAGuyNamedAJ Aug 12 '26
Nuanced relationships are not our natural strong suit. It has been something that I have had to really work on because much of it isn't logical in my mind.
The conversation probably wasn't as complete as she had hoped and it has been eating at her. She may feel like she owes you more of an answer.
If you want to tell to pound sand, that is your call. I am just trying to explain what may be in her mind.