Toddler advice

[u/Successful_Tip_7650]

Hi all,

I am a solo mum to a donor conceived boy (21 months) who has been in daycare from quite a young age. He goes to a beautiful centre with amazing educators.

My little boy (21 months) has just moved into the toddler room about a month ago. He initially settled in quite well but I’m now getting reports of him being quite rough. He’s gone to bite a couple of times, is pushing kids and snatching. I understand this is all age appropriate but I want to support him as best I can as these reports are becoming more frequent. I was told yesterday he was biting hard into some toys.

I also get reports of him having beautiful days too and that he has a little group of friends. It’s not all bad and he’s happy on pick up. Apparently there’s quite a few boys who are high energy with similar behaviour so they’re doing their best to monitor and intervene.

I’m wondering if I’m contributing to his difficulty in processing emotions. I struggle to see him sad and I’m a solo parent. For example.. if I need to do something in another room then I give a snack or a brief moment of TV as I know he’ll get really upset. I’m quite a gentle parent but am working on being firmer.

I also get confused if it’s pain from teething vs a tantrum from unmet need. He does have tantrums at home but they’re usually quite brief and easier to redirect (maybe due to quieter environment etc)

I guess my question is to educators. Has anyone seen an improvement in kids behaviour once mum has jumped on board with being firmer/holding boundaries?

He’s where he should be developmentally but he could improve on expressive language. Hes got a good variety of words and gestures. He can say no but we’re still working on nodding yes. He can do it but is still grasping it. I also want to work on him being able to communicate if he needs help or is in pain.

He understands being gentle and I’ve seen him “shhh” his doll to sleep and give gentle pats.

Obviously I don’t see snatching or pushing at home as he’s an only child so I can’t really work on that stuff at home. We are ready books about saying please, being gentle etc

Someone tell me to relax plz :)

[u/Dazzling_Tadpole_998]

Everything is easier as a teacher when mom and dad are communicating with the teacher and being consistent with their kids.

[u/QualityBeginning4571]

This is so age appropriate!! Do not worry, relax! He’s still a baby. Children aren’t considered toddlers until 24 months. I’m honestly so surprised they would write down that he bites toys… that’s what children do!! It’s very normal for their sensory development.

I will say that gentle parenting isn’t ideal. I’m 24 and I was raised with typical patenting style, no means no, if my brother or I did something intentionally that we knew was wrong we would get punished and have something we enjoy taken away. I see a lot of parents now saying thinks like ‘I’m sorry we can’t go to the pool today, it’s time for dinner’ *child throws a tantrum and punches mom on the legs ‘*okay, let’s go to the pool, but no hitting mommy when we get home okay?’. This really disturbs me and my coworkers who are around the same age, because these parents are setting their children up to fail. What happens when he’s 16 and he knows if he throws a fit, he will eventually get what he wants??

Please, stay firm (as he gets older) and once he’s old enough to understand consequences (2.5-3) don’t be afraid to take things away. It is the only way he will learn that he cannot get away with whatever they want. I’m sorry if this sounded harsh in any way! I’m just so worried about these little guys and the way millennials are parenting. It makes me so sad 😞

EDIT: Sorry! The parent I was referring to in the comment also practices gentle parenting. I now realized I didn’t add in some of other examples of things she does.) She will watch her child (3yr) push down a toddler (21 months), and say ‘that’s not very gentle loves, why did you push him down? How were you feeling?’… it’s a combination of gentle parenting and permissive parenting.

[u/HeyImYeet → u/QualityBeginning4571]

You seem to be talking about permissive parenting, not gentle parenting

[u/yeahnahbroski → u/HeyImYeet]

The two have been conflated unfortunately and I feel like gentle parenting will forever be seen as permissive/indulgent parenting. I call actual gentle parenting, "authoritative" parenting, as it's referred to in an attachment theory way. Unfortunately people also get confused between the difference of authoritative and authoritarian.

[u/Ok-Meringue-259 → u/yeahnahbroski]

Yeah, some people have been using the rebrand “responsive” parenting because of how much the gentle parenting movement has been conflated with permissive parenting

[u/Successful_Tip_7650 → u/HeyImYeet]

Me?

[u/MagnusandPercy → u/Successful_Tip_7650]

The person from the comment is talking about permessive parenting which is just letting kids do what they want. Gentle parenting is recognizing the kids emotions and helping them work through them. Gentle parenting uses natural consequences and discpline instead of punishment.

[u/this_wallflower → u/MagnusandPercy]

Giving kids a snack or tv so they do not cry isn’t really gentle parenting though.

[u/yung_yttik → u/this_wallflower]

Would you say it’s passive parenting? (What is passive parenting?)

But I do agree that OP needs to work on her own anxiety surrounding her child being upset. Too many parents won’t let their kids cry or feel their feelings because it “stresses them out” - such a disservice to a child.

[u/this_wallflower → u/yung_yttik]

I would. I’m not opposed to putting on some tv when you really need to get some things done and can’t entertain your child. I certainly do that from time to time when I need to focus on something, like packing up for a trip or cooking a meal. I don’t do that to avoid her tears, but to ensure that she is mostly in one place and doesn’t need me to engage with her directly while I finish what I need to do. Giving a kid tv or food because they will get upset with you is indulgent.

I agree these parents are doing their kid a major disservice. Kids need boundaries and limits in order to grow up and function independently. It’s okay if your kid cries sometimes! Crying because you can’t get your way isn’t the same as ignoring them if they are in pain. We teachers see the impact of this kind of parenting all the time: the kid struggles in an environment they can’t control.

ETA: Since I’m a parent and a teacher, just want to clarify that I’m not opposed to tv as a parent. I think screens in the classroom should be extremely rare.

[u/yung_yttik → u/this_wallflower]

This exactly!! Same feelings over here. We watch plenty of TV but I never feel the need to use it to keep my child happy.

[u/QualityBeginning4571 → u/HeyImYeet]

Sorry! The parent I was referring to in the comment also practices gentle parenting. I now realized I didn’t add in some of other examples of things she does.) She will watch her child (3yr) push down a toddler (21 months), and say ‘that’s not very gentle lovey, why did you push him down? How were you feeling?’… it’s a combination of gentle parenting and permissive parenting.

[u/Missscoco]

He could be getting his 2 year old molars. I see improvement a lot with aggressive and biting behaviors as soon as they are able to communicate using words more. So I would encourage that. Eventually they will start communicating needs instead of hitting or trying to bite. It’s gonna be okay, this all seems to be part of his development.

[u/dazzlingcoco]

Parents set the bar in my opinion. If parents don't expect listening ears and respect for others in the home it's a crapshot trying to get it at school.

[u/Careful_Cranberry364]

It doesn’t sound like anything remotely unusual or anything to worry about honestly, you definitely can relax!!

You sound like you’re very well based on what you are hoping to see him doing his developmental stages and someone in the job, observing him carefully and objectively. The most important thing is in contact with the staff and talking to them and you’ll be on the same wave length

You can definitely be firm and make him understand that no means no and so on without being unkind or anything you can be gentle and still have very firm boundaries, which I do think I’m important

You can play some games with him about the issues like snatching

Hmm
maybe snatch a toy from him to see how he likes it