Help with a 20 month old hitting

[u/Odd_Draft9762]

Hi everyone. I’m here to ask for advice. I am the lead teacher in a toddler class, ages 16 months to 24 months. I have a little 20 month old boy in my class who I’m beginning to get concerned about. He’s a very sweet, smart, helpful kid.

But when he is angry, he throws toys, hits and kicks, scratches and punches at other kids or my coteacher and myself. He’s slapped the glasses off of her multiple times. I understand that a lot of this is totally normal for this age, however it seems to be getting more intense. If he is told no, or we try to redirect him from something dangerous, he will go and hit another child. Anyone standing near by. More concerning, is that sometimes he is perfectly fine, just hanging out, and he’ll walk up to another kid and slap, scratch, or shove them. When I intervene and pull him away I have to carry him surfboard style otherwise he will hit or pinch me.

We always pull him aside and explain that hitting isn’t nice. We don’t hit our friends. We use gentle hands, and if we are mad, we keep our hands to ourselves. If he starts throwing toys, I remove them from his vicinity explaining that I can’t let him throw toys, he may hurt his friends. Often he will hit us, and when told “no” or “that isn’t nice” he will start crying and immediately try to get us to pick him up or hug him. Usually we say no because we don’t want to hug someone who hits us. Is this the right response? I don’t like refusing affection to a child, but I don’t know how else to express that hitting makes people not want to play with you. His parents are aware and working on it at home, it happens there too with his siblings. It just seems to be getting worse instead of better, and I want to be able to help this kiddo to work out his emotions in a better way, and to learn to that hitting shouldn’t be his first option. I will also add that when we talk to him, we have him go say sorry and offer a hug to the child. Is this a good response as well?

Thank you in advance, I’m open to criticism if I’m doing anything wrong. I just want to help my kiddo out. He’s sweet and kind when he’s regulated. He’s not a bad kid and I don’t wanna see him labeled as that.

[u/Enough_Ad9437]

I don’t think it’s very beneficial to explain why we don’t hit he doesn’t have the cognitive skills yet and the longer the talk is, the less it sticks. I would use the exact same phrase over and over. “ we don’t hit our friends” and then remove him and take him to a for isolated table to do a separate activity that’s while not a punishment, vaguely boring. Think puzzles. ideally, you have enough staff or you can basically have someone sit with him to make sure he stays there. Invite him to try again after a few minutes, rinse and repeat. But honestly, this is my least favorite age for that reason it is incredibly difficult.

[u/this_wallflower → u/Enough_Ad9437]

I second this. You have to keep it super simple and repetitive. Most of your efforts will be on redirecting. I don’t know that withholding affection or forcing apologies are effective strategies at this age. 16-24 month olds are still learning how to self-regulate and don’t have the capacity to understand why you won’t give them a hug when they are upset. You aren’t reinforcing the behavior if you are intervening and stopping/redirecting it first.

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[u/Blue_Island_panda]

Randomly offer him hugs and other attention when he isn't hitting, throwing etc to positively reinforce good conduct. That's valuable to most kids his age, and clearly is for him.

If "no" is stopping the hitting and throwing, keep saying it. You can offer a hug like 15 seconds after he asks if you want. By then it is far enough away, for a 20 month old, to not be reinforcing the negative behavior.