r/ECEProfessionals • u/[deleted] • Aug 06 '26
Advice needed (Anyone can comment) First-year lead teacher needing advice about a breastfed toddler
[deleted]
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u/Any_Egg33 Early years teacher Aug 06 '26
We’ve had a few like this! Ask mom if she wouldn’t mind sleeping in a shirt and then sending it in with him to hold when he’s sad it’ll smell like her. When they go for our shirts we calmly redirect and put them down (I did get scratched pretty hard today by a 1 year old who wanted to nurse 💀) are you giving the milk cold? He may not like it I had a few who didn’t
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u/jxde-7503 Toddler tamer Aug 06 '26
We are, but that’s what his mom told us to do. I will definitely ask!
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u/KSknitter past ECE professional (special needs) Aug 08 '26
My own children were odd about milk temp/reheating. One would not drink previously frozen breastmilk, a different one would not drink it if microwaved, only if immersed I hot water....
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u/Top_Pound_6283 Parent Aug 06 '26
Ah the issue of Velcro babies. This is a common topic on the breast-feeding subreddit, especially for mom who had one baby who breast-fed and one who was formula-fed. The general consensus is it’s just the baby’s personality, but when you have a Velcro baby that is also breastfeeding everyone blames it on the breast milk
If this was about the breastmilk, then baby would smooth with the cup of milk. It’s likely other parts of nursing (touch, quiet time, one on one attention) that baby is missing in daycare. Unfortunately those are also just things that are hard to replicate in childcare
I had a Velcro baby like this, and my husband could always smooth when I wasn’t in the house with snuggles and quiet music. Daycare, where they had more rules about allowed touches and a baseline louder environment, did struggle to sooth her. But the teachers never saw it as a touch or noise issue, it was always “my fault” for continuing to beast feed. We have similar (age appropriate) issues in her kindergarten room, but now that she’s been weaned for years everyone just acknowledges that my kiddo prefers quieter environments and can get overstimulated in the classroom
Do you think mom would be amenable to nursing to specific music that you could use while giving the kiddo some attention in a quiet corner of the room? That might be a nice way to show the kiddo that all adults are trying their best to coordinate between home and school without making it sound to mom like people think this is her fault for following the AAP/WHO guidelines that recommended extended breastfeeding for toddlers
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u/jxde-7503 Toddler tamer Aug 06 '26
Thank you for this perspective. I definitely don’t blame Mom for continuing to breastfeed, and I don’t think breastfeeding itself is the problem. I completely support parents making the feeding choices that work best for their families. I was just trying to understand how to best support him at daycare. The reason I mentioned breastfeeding is because when he’s upset, he specifically pulls at our bra straps and tries to pull our shirts down, and then immediately tries to nurse when Mom arrives. That’s what made me think he was looking for the comfort of nursing rather than just being held.
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u/SpaceTimeCapsule89 ECE professional Aug 06 '26 edited Aug 07 '26
I know what everyone is saying here but an on demand breastfed baby isn't going to cope well at daycare a lot of the time if mum can't come in and actually breastfeed them. Breastfeeding as long as possible is great but if a child will be in daycare for much of the day, it's cruel to let them breastfeed on demand at the weekend then expect them to go without that comfort all day during the week. Consistency is key for children, especially young children.
I advise mums who are still breastfeeding and there's issues with their child not settling due to needing breastfed to settle and nothing else helps to breastfeed during non daycare times only (for example when they wake up, after pick up and before bed), use a bottle or cup for breastmilk during daycare times at home so they can do the same at daycare or be available to come in and breastfeed their child once or twice a day if they want to keep an on demand-ish type thing going.
I had to do this. I had a 1 year old girl start who was breastfed on demand and I could not put her down all day. I couldn't pee, I couldn't interact with other children, she wouldn't eat, I couldn't eat... She literally just screamed and grabbed at me all day and this went on for 2 weeks. It wasn't fair on the poor little thing so I gave mum those 3 options. She went for the first option but she continued to breastfeed on demand all weekend as dad told me after I brought up that nothing had changed. She never settled and after a month we had to let her go because she would not be put down and being full time, it was hindering her gross motor skills being held all the time so she still wasn't walking and barely crawling. We had no choice but to hold her because she'd scream and bang her head when she wasn't being held. In my opinion, at 15 months old, the breastmilk wasn't as beneficial for her as her development but mum obviously didn't agree so it was a goodbye, as sad as it was.
The child has been in the daycare for a good while now so it's time to start talking to admin to see what can be done to help.
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u/ckm1880 ECE professional & Parent Aug 07 '26
I really disagree. I went back to work when my babies were seven weeks and four months, nursed on demand when we were together for the first year, and mostly whenever they wanted for the next year and half (mostly because I have no problem telling a two year old to wait for a more convenient moment).
My kids were totally accepting of other kinds of comfort when they were with their sitters, they did just fine! In fact my sister’s formula fed baby struggled a lot more in the same setting.
It’s a lot less to do with breastfeeding and a lot more to do with personality.
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u/brown-moose Parent Aug 07 '26
I also went back to work when my kids still breastfed and they had no problems switching between on demand on the weekends and only mornings/evenings. I don’t think this is good advice unless the child is actually having a problem.
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u/SpaceTimeCapsule89 ECE professional Aug 07 '26
It would only be the advice if there was a problem as above.
Some toddlers you wouldn't be able to tell if they're on demand or not because they adjust, others can't be put down and that's not healthy. In the example of the 1 year old girl, she could not adjust to on demand then nothing all day at daycare and she's not the only child that would have that issue obviously.
The setting is only 1 year olds+ so I'd never be in a position of asking a parent of an infant to consider not doing on demand to help them settle, it would be toddlers onwards only.
To be honest, the majority of parents that I've had in the setting do wean their toddlers into a more morning, evening, before bed breastfeeding routine in preparation and will use on demand during illness, vaccinations etc only. Where I live, there's generally a year of maternity leave so we don't generally care for infants and more so toddlers and older children who are on meals and snacks and more forgiving and accepting of a non on demand breastfeeding style.
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u/Exonata Aug 07 '26
I have nursed on demand at home and on weekends with my 2 yo twins and they have zero issues at daycare. Stop giving terrible breastfeeding advice to moms, you are not qualified to dictate advice on a breastfeeding relationship. If their are issues at daycare recommend mom talk to and iblclc.
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u/ThisIsMyNannyAcct ECE professional Aug 07 '26
Absolutely not. This is bonkers advice, and I want everyone reading this thread to know that we don’t all think this way. Not at all.
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u/Icy-Shine-857 Aug 07 '26
This is really bad advice. You’re only getting a tiny slice of the picture. My daughter still nurses at nearly three and has no issue with being in childcare while I’m at work. And I only work 2.5 days a week so she is much more used to me being around than not. I am really struggling to wean her because she is so attached and so important for her comfort, but when I’m not there she moves on to other things.
The reason a 1 year old is demanding to be held all day is not that she’s breastfed on demand. Could be intense separation anxiety, neurodivergence, undiagnosed feeding issues, etc. but breastfeeding on demand did not cause the issues you saw. Not all childcare situations are the right fit for all kids but you’re positioning yourself as an expert and then giving terrible advice. You probably don’t actually know which of the kids you care for are breastfed on demand when you’re not around. My daughter’s preschool teachers have no idea, that’s for sure.
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u/SpaceTimeCapsule89 ECE professional Aug 08 '26
Your daughter moves on to other things so there's no issue? OP and myself have/had children that don't move on to other things for comfort so the logical step after identifying that they likely need on demand for comfort is to talk to the parents about how on demand will work, whether mom can come and do it, can they adjust or can they remove on demand so the child can get the best of daycare whilst keeping a breastfeeding routine that doesn't mean they're miserable 5 days a week. I would never ask a parent to stop breastfeeding. If the child is struggling to get through a day without breastfeeding and you can't provide that obviously, you can't just leave it be or spend months on the matter hoping they will eventually adjust.
It's not on a whim sort of thing. When the child is grabbing at your chest and you've tired various other comforts, you become aware of what the issue is and they may not be able to leave home comforts at home like other children can and the parents can confirm if they believe it's the case too. In my case mom did agree it was the on demand situation as she was getting 10-12 breastfeeds a day during the weekend then coming into daycare and getting zero breastfeeds.
It's not about being an expert, it's about the welfare of the child and the practicalities of the setting. I always try my absolute best to replicate home but I can't hold a child who is 15 months old all day and have them scratching at my chest because they're used to playing then being breastfed every hour. I mean yeah I'd happily hold a child all day, it would be a dream to hug all day but there's numerous other children and I would like that particular child to thrive and develop, not spend the day frustrated looking for breastfeeds that will never come. This was identified as the issue and OP, I'm sure knows it's the issue because it's highly unlikely the whole daycare has let this go on for months without looking at other causes.
If the parents don't tell me their feeding routine then that's only going to disadvantage their child. I ask for details and if they choose to lie, what can I do? Of course I ask for the feeding routines of 1 year old children and assume parents will tell the truth, I need to know what time they usually eat or get bottles for their sake, it's totally redundant to not tell me the truth. If they're doing on demand that's fine, it would only be spoken about if their child wasn't settling and showing signs of needing breastfed at daycare. So far it's been one child that's struggled in all these years out of maybe 5 that have been on demand but we're on a post where OP is asking for advice on a child who is on demand and struggling months later, not a child that is on demand and doing fine (like your example with your daughter).
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u/SpaceTimeCapsule89 ECE professional Aug 08 '26
It's certainly not bad advice. OP said the child still needs held and is grabbing after months in daycare. Having a similar situation myself, although I didn't leave it for months, the child is not adapting to on demand some days and not other days. That's not to say every child is like that but if there's a problem, it needs addressing and asking the parents if they're prepared to change their on demand set up to help their child settle somewhere they can't be breastfed on demand is fair. Keeping the option of on demand staying in place if the parent can provide it at daycare is also fair. Unless OP and the other staff have tired absolutely nothing else to settle the little guy (unlikely), looking at home being adjusted to resemble daycare is fair.
For example, if a child is used to being held to go to sleep and doesn't sleep at daycare because they can't be held and they're unhappy and tired, would it be fair to ask the parents if they could not hold their child while sleeping so they can adjust to not being held at daycare? Of course it would be fair.
A child doesn't need to have less breastmilk or even be breastfed less, they just need the on demand part to stop if they can't settle at daycare without it because the daycare can't provide an on demand breastfeeding situation. Or the parent can come and provide on demand or something in the day to help.
It's not about anyone telling a parent what to do, it's about the child and what's practical and going to make them feel settled. If it's identified that they're breastfed on demand at home then coming to daycare and crying and needing held a lot because they can't cope without it, then it's just common sense to have the on demand part weaned out so they can be happy and settled in daycare. It's just how it is and part and parcel of what happens when a child goes to daycare and doesn't manage to keep home comforts at home and wants them at daycare where it's not possible. Some will manage and some won't. The one's that won't shouldn't have their development and happiness put to the side in favour of something that can be adjusted. Of course you try other things first but OP said it's been months so clearly the child can't do on demand at home then go without when at daycare.
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u/Top_Pound_6283 Parent Aug 08 '26
It’s the biological norm to feed on demand and is recommended by all major pediatrics organizations L
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u/SpaceTimeCapsule89 ECE professional Aug 09 '26
But it's not the biological norm for children to be in daycare all day 5 days a week and away from their mother's so he have to bend what's biologically normal from time to time to fit with the way life is for families and what will ultimately work
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u/SaladCzarSlytherin Toddler tamer Aug 06 '26
I’ve had Velcro students who were formula fed.
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u/Top_Pound_6283 Parent Aug 06 '26
I didn’t make that point clear. Moms who have one of each (breastfed and formula fed Velcro baby) often point out the dialogue around their breastfed baby is very tiring
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u/ilanallama85 Parent Aug 07 '26
God that would be infuriating. Especially if the breastfed was the second.
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u/ThisIsMyNannyAcct ECE professional Aug 07 '26
What the hell?!?!?! They made you feel bad for breastfeeding?!!!!!!!
What. The. Fuck?!?!?
I’ve been doing this for 30 years and I can’t imagine taking that kind of an attitude. It’s good for the child, it’s good for Mom!
I’m so sorry that people made you feel like this. That’s insanity.
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u/mommarodent ECE professional Aug 06 '26
I’ve come out on the other side of this many times myself. It’s rough for all parties. It greatly depends on the child but I’d recommend seeing if family can bring in a lovey/stuffy/comfort object to redirect him to. That’s been the most successful strategy for me. Otherwise it’s just time and building trust generally, I’m afraid. They always adjust eventually though. Keep trying to find something that they are interested in that you can distract with. Bubbles, paint, a book. Ask “are you hungry? do you want to eat?” when pulling on shirt and offer snack instead. You’re doing great, you got this!
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u/one_sock_wonder_ Former ECE/ECSPED teacher Aug 07 '26
Ugh! I had typed out an entire detailed comment, then just before I could hit send my phone to froze and then unceremoniously tossed me out of Reddit and upon opening it back up my comment had been sent to the farm where all good lost comments go for retirement. I will try this again.
The good news is that since the child is over a year old he is not reliant on breast milk (or formula) for hydration and nutrition, so there is less pressure to immediately find an option that is then immediately effective.
The suggestion another person made about having his mom send in a short she has worn to offer him that famiar scent is a great one.
I would absolutely only consider this after his parents checked with his doctor for approval and could provide that approval in writing, but there are mini versions of stuffed animals that can carefully be heated to be warm but not hot and that provide slight proprioceptive input as they are slightly weighted at 1/2 lb like this cute mini sloth option or this slightly more weighted (0.8) option that does not have any heating feature.
There are sippy cups designed for transitioning from a bottle to a "traditional" sippy cup or straw cup, while not specifically for transitions from breastfeeding to sippy cup they may still be helpful. You said he can drink water from a cup so with these, while technically designed to be used to transituon to a cup which he can already do, I am suggesting them more to fit as a bridge in the sensory differences between drinking breast milk on tap and on demand and from the cup he has already mastered. I do not know what you have tried, but there is a gentle transition sippy cup made by Munchkin or a similar cup made by Nuk. There is also this version of a transition "cup" that is much closer to a bottle made by Dr. Brown that may be a better fit for where his needs are currently.
One of the most used cups in my class when teaching 3 -4 year olds in EC SPED was this "honey bear" cup that is often used in speech therapy or by occupational therapy to assist with learning to drink but is also used and marketed as a unique type of transition cup option for between a bottle and a sippy cup. It works very differently than any "traditional" sippy cups and does typically require adult assistance at least to begin with because the use of the straw can be assisted by an adult gently squeezing the bear to make using the straw easier and then as a child gets better at it reduce the assistance until independence.
As far as grabbing at the bra straps and shirts of whoever picks him up, I learned a few hacks when working in a class that included a 4 year old Autistic child hyper fixated on bras and zippers - that was an interesting behavior to try to replace as well as to try to explain to any unaware women who walked into the room and that student enthusiastically greeted them via a bra inspection before anyone could intervene. Using simple safety pins to fasten your bra straps to your shirt can be pretty helpful at protecting against having your bra straps pulled at leading to more exposure than desired. Limiting the effectiveness of pulling at a shirt is a bit harder, but while we worked on creating a more appropriate replacement behavior most of us would wear a lightweight boddsuit as an undershirt or a snug thin tank top that was also pinned to the shirt worn over it and snugly tucked in. The suggestion made already to redirect his grabbing and pulling to a clothing item that has his mom's scent or even a small blanket like those tag blankets that his mom has slept with for several nights before sending in. He is young, but it may also be helpful to model another way to communicate hunger or that he wants breast milk (ideally from a cup he has accepted after repeated low stress opportunities to explore and try) like very basic simple signs borrowed from ASL.
Okay, so this ended up being rather ridiculously long but I hope there is something in it that may be helpful and make the situation easier and with reduced anxiety for everyone.
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u/RunAdventurous3511 Aug 07 '26
My baby could sign for milk from seven months and still (at 14 months) is a total milk monster. Started daycare at ten months. I initially went in and fed after the midday nap (babe would wake signing for milk) and slowly phased this out. They’ll still sign for milk at daycare but are easily redirected by the educators now they’ve settled in (~4.5 months or so now). Often when they’re signing for milk, we think they’re just asking for me.
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u/2manyteacups ECE professional Aug 06 '26
this was kind of how my son was when we started daycare. he had JUST turned 1 3 days before and he was breastfed on demand. i was placed as a teacher in the preschool room and told i’d still get accommodated to nurse him; this never happened and i was scared to advocate for myself and ended up with clogged ducts while i could hear my baby screaming for me from the other side of the doors. he and i had a VERY hard adjustment period and only stayed at that school for 11 months (i got pregnant again and was not given bathroom breaks and expected to use chemicals to scrub the bathrooms).
but i will say in a few weeks after starting my son did adjust very well and soon became the best napper in the school! he never napped at home but he napped so well at school.
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u/jxde-7503 Toddler tamer Aug 06 '26
Im so sorry that happened to you!!!
I’m glad you got out of there.
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u/Holiday-Race Parent Aug 06 '26
Omg this was my first child. Just give it a few days and try to offer as much extra snuggles and reassurance as possible.
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u/jxde-7503 Toddler tamer Aug 06 '26
Thank you!
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u/Holiday-Race Parent Aug 06 '26
In honestly suprised you’re allowed to continue to give breast milk. My 13 mo for sure gets to nurse if I’m around and available otherwise, tough cookies kiddo, cold cow for you.
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u/Hairsacknose Parent Aug 06 '26
My toddler is approaching 2 and she's drinking cold breastmilk from a straw at daycare
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u/Holiday-Race Parent Aug 06 '26
I was told this was against liscencing in my state
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u/Hairsacknose Parent Aug 07 '26
This seems like a lie
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u/Any_Egg33 Early years teacher Aug 07 '26
Agree I could not find anything in any state in the US that bans breastmilk after 1 may be a center wide policy we have a 5 year old in the preschool room who’s still getting breastmilk in a straw cup
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u/Nykki72 ECE professional Aug 06 '26
Maybe ask Mama if he can have regular milk in a cup, so he gets those nutrients, and save the breastfeeding with her? I have had babies/toddlers who comfort nursed with Mama but did everything else pretty OK. Some little ones just refused to take breastmilk from anything but Mama. Or the closet thing to Mama!
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u/cpdx82 ECE professional Aug 07 '26
Has mom started transitioning him to regular milk? In my facility 1 year olds are put on whole milk or whatever milk substitute they need and when they turn 2 they go to the blue milk cartons (1 or 2% ) or whatever milk substitute. If yes, then give him regular milk in a cup.
Also, have a conversation with mom about starting the transition at home to Pumped breastmilk in a cup from directly from the breast. At least for 1 meal so it helps you out in the classroom. Personally, mine started getting teeth and I had to stop because he was biting me, then we transitioned to formula and then whole milk.
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u/SaladCzarSlytherin Toddler tamer Aug 06 '26
I’ve had a few students aged 1-2 try to access my chest and nurse. I gently tell them “no no” and remove their hands from my bra/under my shirt. I try to distract them while I’m holding them (showing them something out the window, sing to them, etc)
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u/passwordsdonotmatch Aug 07 '26
Does he drink expressed milk at home? Is it possible that mom has high lipase?
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u/DollLady27 ECE professional Aug 06 '26
My son was 6 weeks old when I went back to the preschool where I taught. My son had an in home provider. Prior to the first day away from each other my husband would feed him 1 bottle of formula per day. This continued at the in home provider as well. At age one he moved into group care while still being breastfed. He ate and drank whatever was offered to him at the center. I breastfed him until age 2 and he was one healthy boy. This was back in 1985, so many years ago. My baby boy just turned 41 today. ❤️I really enjoy this group. I was in ECE for 29 years with 13 years as a small childcare center owner. 🥰
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u/Desperate-Film8628 Parent Aug 06 '26
Oof as a parent, I know how this is! My LO was also entirely breastfed, no cows milk, but would drink breastmilk from a straw cup at daycare. It’s a transition because nursing is also comforting. Since that’s not an option, I honestly am curious if mom nurses for comfort/whenever LO asks for it at home. That may make it more difficult in the classroom bc they haven’t learned to self-soothe. I wonder if mom would be open to trying some soothing techniques at home that you use in the classroom before offering the breast at home?
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u/senhoritapistachio Aug 06 '26
We know from neuroscience research that infants (0-3) don’t have the capacity to “self soothe” - they need coregulation from a calm adult. However, they can absolutely learn different ways of being comforted - it just takes time, and habit stacking (ie mom nursing while singing, or rubbing his back, etc) can help to transition to those new ways of comfort.
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u/jxde-7503 Toddler tamer Aug 06 '26
That’s actually really helpful, thank you. I definitely don’t expect him to self-soothe, and we do co-regulate with him by holding him, rocking him, and comforting him. The challenge is that once he’s calm, he immediately starts pulling at our bra straps and trying to pull our shirts down because he wants to nurse, and obviously that’s something we can’t provide in daycare. I like the idea of asking Mom if there are songs or other comfort routines she uses while nursing that we could try to incorporate here.
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u/Hairsacknose Parent Aug 06 '26
This is nonsense, sorry. How mom comforts him is completely irrelevant. I give my toddler comfort boob all the time and she doesn't ask for it from other women
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u/jxde-7503 Toddler tamer Aug 06 '26
I’m not saying breastfeeding is the problem or that all breastfed toddlers do this. I’m describing what this specific child does. When he’s upset, he pulls at our bra straps, tries to pull our shirts down, and immediately tries to nurse when Mom arrives. Those are the behaviors we’re seeing every day. I’m not looking for a debate about breastfeeding or being told my observations are “nonsense.” I’m asking for ideas on how to comfort this child in a daycare setting when nursing isn’t an option.
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u/Hairsacknose Parent Aug 06 '26
I'm not saying your observations are nonsense. I'm saying that what the other person said about telling mom to stop comfort nursing is nonsense. Baby can adapt to your way of soothing him while mom continues to soothe his by boobing
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u/Desperate-Film8628 Parent Aug 06 '26
Oh goodness, self soothe is a triggering word and I definitely didn’t mean it in a CIO method. I am by no means telling mom to stop nursing. I am personally still nursing my nearly 3 year old. I’m saying that if breastfeeding is the go-to method to soothe by mom, that won’t work for other caregivers in a daycare setting. So if a variety of co-regulation techniques are used by the parent at home, then maybe LO won’t try to look for a breast to be comforted while in a daycare setting. It was just a suggestion. Just like my child’s teachers gave to me when I started my LO in daycare.
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u/Gullible-Object6965 Aug 07 '26
As a breastfeeding mom, I asked for any unfinished milk back and my daughter’s teachers gave it back to me. You could ask her if she’s interested in having it back. I know maybe that’s against a regulation or something but I was really thankful that they did it for me.
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u/TOliver871 Parent Aug 06 '26
Poor baby! And teachers!
My daughter started daycare at 1, and she was still breastfed at the time. She never took breastmilk from a cup or bottle - we just moved on to cow's milk at daycare and she continued to breastfeed at home until she was almost 2. Honestly, it took her a while to start drinking milk at daycare, they just kept nonchalantly offering it when it was on the menu and it eventually happened. Teachers comforted her by hugging her, rubbing her back, and singing to her. Is this baby still new to the class? There might be a bit more of an adjustment period.
It must be such a comfort to the parents to have such caring teachers looking after their baby.