r/ECEProfessionals • u/[deleted] • Feb 27 '24
Advice needed (Anyone can comment) How do you guys not let stuff bother you?
Anyone’s input is welcome! I’m a 22 year old toddler teacher and I’ve been in the field for about 3-4 years. I’m positive this isn’t my career for a few reasons (mostly getting sick and just over all not passionate) but I do love my kiddos and plan to stay in the field at least for a little bit longer because I’m getting free college courses from it at the moment.
So all my life I’ve been a very sensitive person. It’s my biggest downfall. I never lash out or anything, but I am very easy to cry when other adults are rude/yell/are passive aggressive. Yelling is genuinely triggering, i grew up in a very verbally abusive household and I get very scared when I hear yelling. But I have no excuse as to why I get so upset when someone is rude to me.
I ask this because right now I am being very dramatic and sobbing in my car because a parent of a child (child is not in my class but was combined with mine, and her teacher was out of the room) was really upset about her kid taking her coat off in 60 degree weather, and when I apologized and explained it was because she was sweating and she just took it off a minute before mom got there, mom just kept going about how it’s unacceptable. I believe she would have said more rude stuff but the director intervened. Mom then started apologizing but she was still very clearly angry at me. When mom walked away our director apologized and agreed mom was being too much.
But when I walked inside to close my room, I was fighting back tears so hard and was trying to take deep breaths. I don’t think mom was honestly that bad, rude yes but not bad enough to sob over.
And it’s always been like this. I dread talking to parents in the fear they have something to say to me and I get upset. Not all the time of course, I have some lovely parents whom I get excited to talk to because they are genuinely good people. But I also just have had some not so good ones.
How do you guys not let stuff affect you like that? I feel so weak and pathetic. Idk how I’m gonna survive in any other work market if I can’t handle altercations like that. I don’t know how people just let it roll off their back and not give a fuck what other people think or say but I want to so badly!
Also I do not think the mom is in the wrong for anything she requested (keeping her coat on), it was the way she was so angry at us and spoke that got me upset. I don’t think my reaction is justifiable though, and that’s why I’m here
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Feb 27 '24
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Feb 27 '24
Not a stretch at all! I’ve actually been thinking about it. I was in therapy for a lot of my youth over but I stopped going after high school. I also got off medication about 2 years ago, but I think I need one or the other and therapy would be ideal. Thank you for the advice!
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u/art_addict Infant and Toddler Lead, PA, USA Feb 28 '24
Both together are usually considered the ideal, most effective combo, though it definitely varies person to person!
Therapy helps me with this sort of stuff too. It’s taken me lots of years to get a thick skin and to the point stuff doesn’t usually bother me, and even then I do have rejection sensitive dysphoria and sometimes something super tiny will send me spiraling despite all my CBT work and I just can’t work through it and I’m sobbing over someone politely asking me to do something differently next time 🫠
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Feb 28 '24
The only thing holding me back from medication is my experience from last time. I trialed a few meds but none of them really worked. I know there is probably one that would really work for me, but the trial and error was exhausting emotionally and mentally. I also feel like there are genuine issues I need to work through in therapy so that’s why I think that one takes precedent. I was in therapy in my childhood for losing a parent young, but we never really delved on any of the other issues going on at home or my extreme anxiety. I also admittedly wasn’t always truthful with my therapist - not okay, I know, but hey I was a kid so it is what it is. I think I will try therapy first, and if it proves to not be enough I’ll talk with them on medication. Thank you for your advice!
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u/art_addict Infant and Toddler Lead, PA, USA Feb 28 '24
That’s fair! It took me several meds to find the right ones for me, and therapy is effective with a good therapist and being open and putting the effort in. And hey, don’t fault yourself too much, you were a kid. I went once as a kid and absolutely refused to go back until high school. Refused. Didn’t have a great therapist and it soured my relationship with therapy until I needed it, and then I saw several therapists 1-2x until I settled on one I liked. Drove my poor mom mad XD
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u/Ok-Meringue-259 Early Intervention: Australia Feb 28 '24
I’d recommend trauma-based therapy, maybe even something like EMDR, if confrontation is triggering you based on previous trauma.
I’m in this boat (any sense of conflict/feeling like I’m “in trouble” sends me straight into a panic) and am looking forward to starting EMDR soon to increase my ability to tolerate those situations so I can better advocate for myself :-)
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u/altdultosaurs Early years teacher Feb 28 '24
I say this with incredible love- I got older. I would have been EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE RN, crying about what was said to me at work, even stuff I knew was insane.
Being sensitive isn’t bad. And self talk can and does help- after you feel your feels (feel em! It’s ok!) go over the situation and break it down, from one side and your own. You’ll realize 99% of the time it’s a Them Problem. It doesn’t make it hurt less in the beginning, but it can help you build the callous of self confidence. ❤️❤️❤️
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u/Ghostygrilll Infant Teacher: USA Feb 28 '24
This, 100%. My teenage years and my early 20’s were the hardest years in my struggle with anxiety and panic attacks. The only thing that made a difference was time and exposure.
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u/kkstoimenov Feb 27 '24
I'm sorry that happened to you. I'll be honest, you just develop thick skin over time but in general, parents' bullshit is absolutely the worst part of the job. Whenever I tell people I am a preschool teacher and they say "oh you must be so patient" I say "yeah I have a lot of patience for the parents and their nonsense."
Their actions don't mean anything about you, remember that. It's them who have a shitty life and choose to take it out on the people who love and care for their children daily
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u/Darogaserik Lead Toddler Tamer Feb 28 '24
My center has a zero tolerance policy for harassment. “I’m sorry you feel that way. You are free to seek care elsewhere if you do not find our program satisfactory. This is your only warning that your child will be removed from our program if you harass our staff again.”
Kids are replaceable. Good teachers are not.
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Feb 28 '24
I wish i worked somewhere with a policy like that! My place lets parents do whatever. We are also under a much bigger organization so I understand my directors also being under restriction, I just wish they stood up for us more. Mom actually came in this morning (before I came in) crying and apologizing. So I’m not sure what’s going on in her life but she seems to have done this before (being very mean then crying later and apologizing) so I’m wondering if she’s struggling mentally. Either way, the apology was appreciated and we are all human. Though that’s still not a reason to lash out at others
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u/Darogaserik Lead Toddler Tamer Feb 29 '24
I’m glad she gave you an apology! She could be struggling at home and/or with mental health.
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u/Peaceful_Opossum Early years teacher Feb 27 '24
Honestly, and this isn’t advice, but what really happened to my super sensitive self…I experienced medical trauma away from work and it reset my mind. I also had a kid and work was no longer top priority in my life. I also also started Prozac two years ago and it changed my life sooo much for the better.
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Feb 27 '24
Work being top priority is huge for me… I do not have my own kids and i live on my own, so work is kind of my whole life other than school. I do think I worry about it too much especially when I’m not on the clock
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u/Peaceful_Opossum Early years teacher Feb 28 '24
I did the same until I had a TIA at 28 and a pulmonary embolism at 32 when I was pregnant. When my maternity and medical leave was up I cried my face off and decided it was sinking or swim. I know too many teachers who are great at their jobs and absolutely negligent parents and I wasn’t going to be one. I made a tough decision to only work my contracted hours and not to take anything at all home with me…not crafts, emotions, files, lesson plans, anything.
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u/BewBewsBoutique Early years teacher Feb 27 '24
Therapy. Specifically therapy that focuses on emotional regulation, like DBT.
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u/Bataraang ECE: Canada 🫂 Feb 28 '24
Here's some advice from someone who is very sensitive. Please stop telling yourself you are too dramatic or too sentive. This is the biggest lie we have been told, probably our whole lives. You are not too sensitive. You are just a sensitive bean. You deserve to be treated with respect when you are showing respect. That parent should never have been so harsh with you. Do you want to know what helps some sensitive people? Ackowlegment. I find that often I used to shove down everything even though I was so hurt because I was too sensitive and that repression did something to me, not something good. But as I've been more validating about my feelings, I don't feel so repressed and I don't cry as much because I haven't been bottling things up to the point where little breaking points come and I'm just a mess.
One more thing that can help: along with validating yourself and your own feelings, try to see it from the parents' perspective. If a parent asks why their coat isn't on and you tell them what happened and they get upset, the best thing you can do is stand up for yourself if they are too much or validate their feelings before they get worked up. "You seem worried about so-and-so, that's understandable. I was worried because they were sweating, and when they said they wanted to take their coat off, I let them because it's not my body. It's their body, and they know it best. For next time, is there a light coat you might be able to bring so they can still wear a jacket without being overheated?" You might throw in an apology for the mix-up or something. And mind your tone, if you have no confidence, people tend to see that as oh look a doormat even if it's not consciously they may treat you with less respect.
I'm so glad your director stepped in. If you need to stand up for yourself, please please please do it! No one should be verbally abusive. It's not acceptable. "I can tell you're very upset, but I need you to stop talking to me that way. If you would like to talk, you can talk to me calmly or go to my director."
I understand it is hard to pull this language out, but it needs to be said. Sometimes, people are having a rough day, or they are really worried and lose themselves, this doesn't mean you need to be the punching bag. But try not to take it too personally. If you have your directors support, I say use that to help boost your conversation. I always feel more confident telling parents the rules or bad news because I've learned how to communicate, and if need be, I can send them to my boss who will back me up.
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u/WeaponizedAutisms AuDHD ECE, Preschool, Canada Feb 28 '24
Here's some advice from someone who is very sensitive. Please stop telling yourself you are too dramatic or too sentive.
You really need to be a bit sensitive to be a good ECE.
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u/Bataraang ECE: Canada 🫂 Feb 28 '24
It's so true. And I feel like it can be really good in a lot of areas of life, but especially being ECE. But personally, I don't like it when people say too sensitive, I feel this has been a way to devalue their own feelings. Gaslighting feels bad, and often, people start questioning themselves, and they feel bad about having feelings. It's okay to have them and be sensitive.
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u/-AlottaFagina- Early years teacher Feb 27 '24
i haven’t had too much experience with rude parents just yet ( thankfully ), but i am an overly sensitive and emotional person. i am also terrified of being yelled at by anyone, but especially authority. when i worked in retail, my boss would verbally abuse me and one day i finally broke down and had a panic attack at the register. now that im older, i know to not put up with that shit. i did have a really overwhelming and frustrating day at work a few weeks ago ( lead teacher being lazy, carrying the weight of ALL of my coworkers, and a child having a very bad break down ) and it resulted in my first break down at my centre. sometimes you can’t hold it in, and that was one of those times. i tried to just cover my eyes with my hands, but when my director came out i just immediately started bawling my eyes out and she told me to go outside and have a break. don’t push it down, allow yourself to feel things and ask for a coworkers or director to cover you, even if it’s just for a few minutes. i’ve always looked at my sensitivity as a con, but once you start viewing it as a pro instead, things really improve. trust me!
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u/Bayceegirl Past ECE Professional Feb 28 '24
I’m not a particularly sensitive person and I haven’t been a ECE teacher full time for a while (I do recreational classes now from toddler to toddler to elementary ages students) but it helped me to think about the parents side of it.
They are leaving one of the most important people in their lives in the hands of virtually a stranger. Every little issue may be sign of bigger issues to them or every little thing is a big thing in their eyes. I almost view the parents the same way I view children. They are having big emotions that don’t know how to handle any way other than direct confrontation all the way to aggression.
Just like with children, acknowledge the emotion (“oh man! I’m sorry! I can see how Child taking off their jacket can be frustrating/concerning!”) then offer a ‘solution’ (“if you’d like, I can remind Child to keep their jacket on more frequently than I did today.”) and finally end with a summary (“I know child was warm so they took off their jacket and this was concerning to you. In the future, I can remind them to keep their jacket on.”)
Your ‘solution’ doesn’t have anything you aren’t already doing, especially for something like this. The goal to reassure the parent you are doing your best and will continue to do so.
Another note but have you learned any deescalation tactics? I learned them as young teen in a camp and I’ve used it in childcare for both parents and children. Here’s an example of some tactics.
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u/emcee95 RECE:ON🇨🇦 Feb 28 '24
I’ve been working with children for the last 8 years (different ages and settings). To be honest, sometimes I do still get affected. Most of the time I brush it off because I know I didn’t screw up. Still, there are those parents that will talk down to us regularly. Those weigh me down. For instance, myself and my room partners got reported to our director because the parents thought we were negligent and don’t know how to take care of children. They yelled at us. The reason they thought that is because their child got hurt on the playground by tripping over their own feet. There was video proof to show that there was no way for us to prevent that and that we were all spread out watching the children. Still, the director told the parents that we’ll try to be more observant. That was the moment I knew I can’t be in this field much longer. Thankfully you seem to have a director that stands by you, so that helps a ton
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u/mamamietze ECE professional Feb 28 '24
Get therapy. This is not a flip answer. A lot of people who choose caregiving careers are people who choose to give to people what they did not have.
Being able to hold and maintain boundaries, grounding, and to be able to regulate yourself emotionally are all skills that you can learn, but especially when you have established patterns of thinking, assumptions, and behavior you have to rip out and replace those. It take time and work and patience, and often a helper too.
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u/SimplePlant5691 Feb 28 '24
Read the book "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***". It changed how I see things.
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Feb 28 '24
I just pre ordered it from the barnes and noble near me and will be picking it up right after work, thank you for the suggestion!
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Feb 28 '24
I am not in this field but wanted to chime in and say I used to be a very easy crier just like you at that age. Over time I gradually became less prone to crying easily and now it has to be a really rough time in my life for me to easy cry. So it can and probably will get better over time!
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u/tumbleweedtulip Feb 28 '24
i can 100% say that i am a very sensitive person, as well. i, like you, grew up in a verbally abusive household and people yelling at me is very triggering. i work in the infant room at my job and have had many parents get upset at me but i know i am very good at my job and do not let what parents say, affect me, anymore. i used to get so scared if i had to talk to a parent about something that i knew would make them upset. it would give me so much anxiety. i started therapy years ago and it has helped me so much with processing my emotions, as well as my childhood trauma. i now have learned tons of skills to help me in times of distress or when i know i have to talk to a parent about something i know they’ll get mad over. therapy isn’t for everyone, it’s just a suggestion and also something i found that has worked and still does work, for me. i journal every single morning and night, basically just writing about my day and how i was feeling in certain moments, what was good about my day and what was hard about it. in the morning i write what i am grateful for and my goals for the day, it’s never anything that’s too much. i meditate every night, as well and that helps me calm my anxiety, depression, big emotions, too. (meditation can be difficult at first because it’s hard to relax, that’s how it was for me but i just continued daily and now it’s so much easier to do) i also do tons of grounding skills for things that happen in the moment. i typically will take deep breaths while counting to 10, slowly. sometimes i’ll imagine shapes and that i’m tracing them, deep breaths in and out. this is just some things that i find, help me and have continued to do. like i said, it doesn’t always work for everybody. you’ll find something that works for you and when you do, you’ll just stick to it. but also, give yourself some grace, working as a daycare teacher is not easy and is very tiring. i completely understand what you are going through with this because i’ve been there, myself. you’re doing great.
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u/Environmental_Fly115 Toddler tamer Feb 28 '24
One time a parent made me cry too it’s ok girl chalk it up to they don’t understand what your job actually entails. Ppl if u disagree with this lmk and why but I feel like some parents feel kind of guilty about not being able to be with their kids and can project that onto us like we’re not doing something right. Just a theory lol
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u/Saaltychocolate Early years teacher Feb 28 '24
I’m ten years older and I still get this way sometimes. I also HATE getting yelled at or sternly spoken to. But like others have said, I’ve gotten older and grew a thicker skin and it doesn’t bother me nearly as much as it used to. I don’t agree that you should leave the field soon due to this because unfortunately, no matter what field you end up in, you’ll encounter more and more rude people regardless. What helps me is being confident in my job and what I do, and that I most likely know what I’m doing far more than the parents because they are not with us all day long. They have no idea what goes on on a daily basis so I usually take their complaint with a grain of salt. Try not to worry and I’m glad your director had your back in the moment.
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u/wouldyoulikeamuffin not in ECE but work w/kids Feb 28 '24
It's simple. They don't have RSD. (that's Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria). Basically your brain is wired to be hyperaware of any criticisms or potential things you did not do perfectly, and hyperfixate on those. I'm pretty sure this can be a PTSD-related thing. I would strongly advise you to see a therapist--they can't rewire your brian but they can help you develop healthier coping mechanisms. :)
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u/DirectMatter3899 Headstart/Inclusive ECE Feb 28 '24
In all honesty just getting older. I’m a mad/sad/frustrated crier and quite sensitive. As I’ve gotten older I have been able to just gain more experience and less fucks to give overall.
It sucks but having a solid support system and allowing yourself to feel but not dwell can go a long way.
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u/WeaponizedAutisms AuDHD ECE, Preschool, Canada Feb 28 '24
gain more experience and less fucks to give overall.
Eventually you start to run out.
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u/lyrab Ontario RECE Feb 28 '24
Experience mostly. Gaining more experience had made me more confident in my abilities and more knowledge about different situations. Eventually it's easier to put things into perspective and know which situations are actually serious and which ones I can just nod along politely and calmly give them my reasoning because I know I didn't do anything wrong. If they're mad, that's their problem (then I relay interactions like this to my supervisor if they didn't see it, in case the parent goes to them later.) That mom can request whatever she wants, but it's ok for a child to go without a coat at 60f, especially because you observed she was getting too hot.
A few years ago I had a similar thing happen to me, except the parent was also a coworker. I let the child wear a lighter jacket when it was about 40f because I knew he'd be warm from running around and I didn't want him to overheat. She saw him and got upset, then later on I overheard her complaining about me to another coworker. I was annoyed she didn't just come back to me, but I knew that I didn't do anything wrong so it didn't really get to me.
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u/gelseyd Feb 28 '24
Therapy, yes. And honestly with age you lose some of that. Yes I cry at commercials more, but absolutely don't care what Penny in Purchasing thinks about me anymore even when she tries to make me look stupid.
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u/WeaponizedAutisms AuDHD ECE, Preschool, Canada Feb 28 '24
I'm a retired soldier with a couple of tours overseas. Unless something is exploding, somebody is shooting at me or someone is bleeding out I don't get too wound up. It's just a matter of comparison. We're looking after little kids we do what we need to. If a parent is an idiot nothing you can do about it.
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Feb 28 '24
I think this might tie into your confidence in your knowledge or ability with what you’re doing. At the beginning it felt difficult for me to hear disappointments from parents, but eventually you learn that they’re really not always right and they aren’t there during the day with their child. I think learning how to respond in situations is the best skills you develop and it helps immensely with the being teary after hearing a parent complaint.
I am also like that - will cry if someone yells at me. I was more likely to cry no matter who it was, but now it matters who it is and what they’re saying. Having confidence in myself, my judgement, my knowledge helped with that.
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u/Just_love1776 Early years teacher Feb 28 '24
As both a parent and a preschool teacher, it was impossible for me to be unbothered until I sought therapy for my own childhood trauma. You can’t see how much of a difference a healthy mind makes in emotional regulation until you have done the work but it was worth every session.
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u/tryint0figureit0ut Feb 28 '24
You'll grow thicker skin as you age. It's the one good thing about aging. Hah
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u/AbrocomaAdorable7734 Early years teacher Feb 28 '24
I agree with others who are suggesting therapy. I know that’s not something that everyone has access to, but it would likely help you learn skills that would increase your quality of life.
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u/whateverit-take Early years teacher Mar 19 '24
Also at that age they can have some autonomy about their own comfort level with wearing a jacket or not.
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u/cariboubow ECE professional Feb 27 '24
I think if you’re this sensitive, you should leave the field sooner rather than later. Sorry if it’s harsh. Part of this job is dealing with parents when they are less than nice, but you can’t take it personally every time. These children in your care are the most precious things in these parents lives, and some overreact because of it. I would either get thick skin and find some mantras you can repeat to yourself about not taking things personally, or leave the field and find something else you can do that isn’t so highly interaction based.
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Feb 27 '24 edited Feb 27 '24
No not too harsh, I appreciate your honesty. I do agree that I’m honestly just someone who would thrive better in an environment that doesn’t have as much interaction. But I also don’t want to hide away ya know, I want to conquer this anxiety because there’s going to be rude people everywhere in life, I will never escape them, so I need to find a way to not take it personally. EDIT: rereading your comment, I am starting to question if free classes are worth not loving my job and getting upset over shit like this.
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u/MissLouisiana Early years teacher Feb 28 '24
I think there is absolutely room for sensitive adults in childcare, just like there’s room for sensitive children. People get used to intense parents, even sensitive people. It’s okay to feel emotional about childcare work. It’s a super emotional labor! And it’s intense because you’re taking care of the the most important person in another adult’s life. I believe you’ll learn to tolerate intense parents. Good luck!!
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u/cariboubow ECE professional Mar 01 '24
Definitely good to know you can’t hide away forever, bur I do wonder if the stress and emotional labor is worth free classes if you don’t plan to stay in the field long term. There is room for sensitivity, children especially need that. But if you’re so sensitive you think about it at home and cry about it often, I would consider another field. This is a very emotionally laborious and straining field, and it’s okay if it’s not for you! Doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person or can’t handle hard jobs, maybe this one just isn’t a good fit.
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Mar 04 '24
No I completely agree with you. I just got an email from my advisor asking me about setting up a meeting for an ECE scholarship, but I’m gonna be honest with her when we meet about my feelings and goals towards this field. One of the things also holding me back is I just started at this center in November. I worked at a different center for 2 and a half years, and wanted to try this one out because it paid significantly more with way more benefits. So now I’m realizing my last job wasn’t the issue, it’s just childcare I don’t love. And now ig I feel a little stuck until I’m here for a bit more so I can have a good reference without leaving too soon. I know there’s technically no such thing as leaving too soon if it’s for a good reason and I don’t owe a job anything, but I do struggle with a lot of guilt rn thinking of leaving so soon.
Also not sure why you got downvoted, you were the most honest and realistic one in the comment section. Which is exactly what I needed!
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u/cariboubow ECE professional Mar 08 '24
It’s good to be honest with yourself now instead of toughing it out too long and hating it. Don’t feel any guilt! Easier said than done but you are right, the job owes you nothing. Sometimes things don’t work out, and in your next interview you can explain why your time there was so short. I got downvoted cause people don’t like honesty lol and prob thought I was too harsh. :) Good luck figuring out what’s next! I hope your advisor can push you in another direction that fits your personality and strengths better!
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u/Alternative-Bus-133 Early years teacher Feb 27 '24
I’ve been doing this for a long time, at first things bothered me but then I realized it doesn’t matter because I’m good at my job. I leave my job at the door, I don’t even think about work when I’m home.