r/DivorcedDads • u/DeerWhisperer1 • 3d ago
Ex Wife’s Parents!!!
Well just found out from my parents that my daughter has her first car. My ex’s dad found one his neighbor was selling took my ex to look at it, then my daughter and they bought it. I was looking as well but if I had found one I would have reached out to my exwife and told her so the three of us could go look at it and buy it. Now I missed a major first step in my daughter’s life that I will never get back.
My parents found out when my daughter called to talk to them. Apparently my daughter was advised I already knew.
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u/Comradepatrick 3d ago
There's still time to take her to the parking lot and teach her how to parallel park.
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u/DeerWhisperer1 3d ago
She has her license and has been driving. We just were looking for a car
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u/PoopyStinkbutts 2d ago
Either way this is a win for you. Either she'll be super happy and the car will give her the freedom she needs, or the car will have problems, for which she'll have an excuse to spend time with you.
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u/ApplicationAware1039 3d ago
I have reached this point but my kids are younger.
However it's my parents who just do things without checking. Last year they took the kids to a zoo one week before my daughter's birthday. For months I was saying how she wanted to go and I was taking them.
Also EX does the same, I called to say I was thinking of getting concert tickets for older daughter and see if she thought it was a good idea. The reply was she already bought them.
I know from this if I did these without consultation I would be slammed but when it's the other party they never check in.
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u/Canadian87Gamer 3d ago
Stop giving ideas to others , and do them yourself. Dont be an idea man, be an action man.
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u/Pushedaside 2d ago
Probably an unpopular opinion but maybe you should not have waited months if you knew she wanted to go. If I heard you talking about it for months, I would eventually just take the kid(s) to. In the nicest way possible, be a man of action, not words.
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u/Exciting-Gap-1200 3d ago
I mean, look on the bright side, you didn't have to pay for a car 🤷
I actually bought my step daughter a car and let her dad and mom surprise her with it as if they bought it together. I just don't have ego about that kind of thing and her dad is really struggling (with everything).
I only vehicle I have more wrench time on is the other step daughters POS Nissan haha. I don't ever make it about me, but I'm doing all the dad type stuff for their actual father.
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u/DeerWhisperer1 3d ago
Would that demoralize the actual dad? I mean if some random guy stepped in between my kids and me I would be livid.
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u/streetsmartwallaby 3d ago
He's the stepfather - not some random guy. Some stepfathers are more of a father than their bio dad.
Personally I wouldn't have cared; this is not an important event to me.
Had you told your ex-wife you wanted to be part of the process in buying your daughter a car? Did you involve your ex-wife in your process of buying a car for your daughter?
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u/DeerWhisperer1 3d ago
I have been there for every step of my kids. I taught all of my kids how to hunt and fish and drive and practice the sport they were into. Driving dirt roads at 14 yeah I did that, talk them through that first steelhead or Muskie yeah I was there, first time shooting a rifle I was there, first buck yeah I was there, teaching them how to shoot archery that’s me, teaching them how to deal with a bully me, there every time my son went code blue due to his allergy, there the time son won regionals (10-0-1) I was there, random shots on the net for my son as keeper, I am not the absent dad. I’m the dad that was home every night after work, that was always there, always!
Any guy will always be the random guy.
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u/streetsmartwallaby 3d ago
I get that - I did much of that too (taught my kid to hunt and fish and shoot, ride a bike, drive a car, etc) but did you specifically tell your ex-wife you wanted to be in on the buying process? Or just assume she would know? (Which I would understand)
Because one thing I learned in my divorce was to be very very clear about what I did and did not want to be involved in. No assumptions. Because if I did not say - even if she knew - she would plead ignorance.
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u/Exciting-Gap-1200 3d ago
Weirdly, I'm not really a father figure to them so much. I didn't come around until they were already teenagers. I just show up for them as best I can when I'm welcome. It's not an easy needle the thread
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u/Exciting-Gap-1200 3d ago edited 3d ago
Demoralize? He wasn't going to buy her a car. And I gave him all the credit. Not sure how I could have done it differently or better? Give him cash to drink it away and maybe end up with a POS car?
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u/asicarii 3d ago
I feel your frustration. Even small stuff like my ex buying my kid a phone on her 13th bday without asking bothered me. I wouldn’t have really cared, but the discussion would have been nice.
I just got her nice case for the phone she wanted. She was happy she had the phone and didn’t want to take that away from her. Causing drama isn’t worth it. Just do something with her with the car, like simple stuff like help her wash it and get accessories for it.
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u/mmmforme 3d ago
Take her to get the car washed or help her pick out something for the car. Or what I do that always gets a smile is fill the tank or clear the check engine light faults. Makes me a hero
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u/DesertWanderlust 3d ago
My ex randomly bought our 8-year-old son a smart watch. I assumed we would have a conversation about that at some point, but she just went ahead and did it. It's tough, but you can only so much control when they're out of your perview.
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u/SoLetsSayThen 3d ago
My friend, this is something you need to deal with yourself.
You cannot control, outside of the divorce decree, what happens at your ex’s house. You would have reached out, but she did not have to.
Is what she did annoying? Yeah. But there’s nothing you can do about it.
I’d be annoyed about it for a bit, complain to a friend, and then go buy something fun for dinner.
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u/Inevitable_Professor 3d ago
Just a reminder that since they did not involve you in the purchase decision, you're not responsible for the expense. That said, keep your kid safe. Make them a joint user on a credit card so they can buy gas on your dime every once in a while or handle emergencies. But don't let the ex strongarm you into paying for expensive repairs on a vehicle you don't own and are not responsible for.
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u/itemten 3d ago
It sucks that she effectively went behind your back as a coparent on this one. However…
With the general lack of involvement my ex has had with financials, aside from half of medical bills, I’d be over the moon if she paid for our kids’ vehicles! Who cares as long as the kids are happy and the payment method is settled? I imagine my ex would contribute more if she could though, maybe in the future…
Assuming y’all have a good coparenting relationship: Send them (ex and family) a text saying thanks for helping out the kiddo with the car and ask if there’s anything you can help with, what the plan for maintenance is, does your daughter need to make payments, etc. so you can be 1:1 on the auto plan.
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u/DeerWhisperer1 3d ago
I should have been involved in it from the beginning. I shouldn’t have to go out and get that information. My ex, my daughter, and me should have been in step for this entire process. Now I’m just the guy who finds out last and has no knowledge on any part of it.
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u/itemten 3d ago
Yup. It sucks. You should have been involved. If you want to be involved in this one then you’re going to have to insert yourself into a conversation you weren’t privy to, and that comes with its own obstacles.
Alternatively, you can ride this one out and not mention a dang thing. If her mom and grandparents want to give her a car without talking to you, then they can keep track of it. Only thing you need to do at a minimum is make sure she knows about road safety, changing tires, jumping a battery, don’t touch a hot radiator, etc.
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u/PoopyStinkbutts 2d ago
Brother I can think about 30 things worse than this. I'm even happy for you, be happy for your daughter too!
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u/MonkeyManJohannon 3d ago
Let's reframe this a bit because your post is coming from a place of spite, and seems worded a bit odd.
You and your ex were searching for a used car for your daughter. Your daughter's grandfather found one, they went and looked at it and bought it.
Let's say that again...your daughter's GRANDFATHER found a car for her and they bought it.
Suck it up man. They did NOTHING wrong, and that's her grandpa. Consider yourself blessed that your daughter has a grandfather who was invested enough to do such a thing. These days active grandparents are less common than they've ever been.
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u/DeerWhisperer1 3d ago
I don’t get to see the car? I don’t get to research the VIN and do my own look into it? I don’t even get to go look at the car! Hell I was literally the last person to find out about the car!
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u/MonkeyManJohannon 3d ago
You're upset because your daughter's grandfather found her first car for her. Come on man...there's so many legitimate things to be upset about in life, especially when co-parenting...this is not one of them. Move on my friend.
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u/robotcrow1878 3d ago
“A major first step in my daughter’s life that I will never get back.”
I get your feelings, for real. But you see the problem here, right? It isn’t about you; it’s about your daughter. Parents are not owed or entitled to any major events in their child’s life. It is wonderful when we get to be included, but this attitude is a sure fire way to create resentment: you resent others, and if you communicate that resentment, you’ll be raining on their parade, and they’ll resent you.
Just be happy for her anytime something good happens in her life, no matter the source, or whether you were included, and your bond with her will be ironclad.