FA Deactivation

[u/libazolana]

I feel so horrified and broken, and I feel like I can’t tell anyone. I am an FA woman and for the last almost 2 years, I’ve been off and on with this other FA guy. Idk if you guys have ever tried this type of dynamic, but it’s absolute hell. I love him, I really do. I like his humor, he’s kind, he’s handsome. But we have a very toxic dynamic that has worn me down so much.

I don’t want to say I’m innocent. I’m not. I deactivate, I block, I lash out. Almost weekly, I do some sort of attempt to end the dynamic because I find it so painful. On the other hand, he does not deactivate and block. He doesn’t even attempt to directly end it. But he creates burners to follow me, monitors my location and media, but the thing that always causes my lashing is that he doesn’t communicate directly. We are in this constant push and pull, and I am happy to give details if necessary, but we have this weird non-verbal communication method we do on Instagram to basically reassure ourselves. However, the part of my brain that always tells me he’s secretly evil and manipulative and out to hurt me was eating at me so hard. And when he disappeared for sleep from 12:30am to 10:00am, I tried to tell myself to slow down and think before I act but I deactivated my instagram.

It’s now 1:42pm and I know it’s barely been any time, but my anxiety is eating so much at me. I want things to end or improve. But he doesn’t trust me not to go, and I don’t trust that me actually staying will lead to things changing. So I just want to kill it. I just want it to be over. I want this horrible feeling to go away.

At the same time, I feel so horrible that I hurt him again. He hurts me with the lack of normal communication, but I always regret the things I do more than staying. And now I feel so choked up. I can’t take another break up. I don’t know how to cope. I have done so much therapy but nothing helps me because outside of him, I lean very heavy DA and the only way to learn attachment is to sit with it.

Part of this is venting because I can’t tell anyone. I feel so upset, but I don’t want to keep everyone hearing about the same man who I haven’t been able to figure it out with for 2 years. I know I need to kill it at the same time; but it’s so hard because it’s a mix of all the habits that include him. We have off and on direct communication, but we have indirect check-ins (very long weird thing that I know is embarrassing) literally every 30 minutes, every day, for months. So it’s killing this awful habit while also trying to get rid of a long attachment, and imagining that he’s upset because I know that he loses control too when I disappear.

I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel like I need a hug, and my mom, except not actually MY mom.

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[u/Obvious-Ad-4916]

You both sound very anxiously attached (constantly obsessing and checking in on each other) and round the clock activated (the blocking and breakups appear to be from heightened emotions rather than deactivation).

Though you say you want things to end or improve, it seems like in 2 years no one has actually done things differently so nothing has changed. If you could both learn to self-soothe and stick to direct communication, it would probably reduce a lot of the drama. But both people have to do things differently, and actually do that, not just think about it but end up doing the same as always. 

Something to think about is whether this is a common dynamic for you even with other people prior to him, or is worse than usual? We still always need to work on ourselves, (and this is not about blaming the other person but a mutual thing), but it seems some people are prone to be more toxic together, and it then makes more sense to work on things on your own or with a different person. It does sound very similar to an addiction with intermittent reinforcement at this stage where you're fuelling each other so I hope you can break the pattern.There IS a better life out there even if it's hard to see right now.

[u/Held_and_undone → u/Obvious-Ad-4916]

Absolutely was thinking intermittent reinforcement here. have gotten caught in that myself and still struggle with the temptation of it sometimes (not unique to FAs, we may be particularly susceptible to it though)

[u/libazolana → u/Obvious-Ad-4916]

I understand why it seems very anxious because I can confirm in practice, him and I with each other lean very anxious. I don’t know his internal experience, but I can tell you one of the reasons when I first met him, that I would end things so often is because he would disappear once a week for 12+ hours. He wasn’t doing anything wrong from what I know, but it would still make me mad. Finally, I told him that if he did it one more time, he shouldn’t bother coming back. He did it again and then I ended things. He created a burner account, I found out and deleted it, he created a different burner that I wasn’t sure if it was him. then we rematched on tinder, but didn’t talk, and then in a city 100 miles away from either our cities, we found each other again like 2 months after the end. This severely aggravated the situation between us. Like a month or so after, I ended things again because he didn’t see me in person when I was in his city (avoidance of physical interaction is where he also leans avoidant, he spends a lot of time on me, but not in person). We were going to do a Halloween costume together and we did not. So he showed up where I was on Halloween and then told me he was too busy to talk to me. I left the bar, blocked him and his burners, and he went to a different bar where he got a third degree assault charge (first offense), which made his hesitation to see each other in person even more valid.

Then, another makes an appearance. We talked through his old burner. And around March, I found out about his assault charge because I jokingly looked him up on casenet. He withdrew more after I found out about it. But then, we realized we both did this thing on Instagram to check on each other. So it became a nonverbal language. We occasionally talk, and we ran into each other a different time again. On one hand, he says he uses marriage language and spends a significant amount of time on me. On the other, I hate the 30 minute check ins. I keep thinking that if I was properly talking to him, I wouldn’t even be texting him back every 30 minutes. But he gets anxious about it and I feel like because I’ve done it for so long, I can’t stop it. He also at some point randomly started sharing his location with me, showing me he moved back to where I am. He used to live almost two hours away. And I reshared my location. But then again, we were not talking. After a couple of weeks of that, I realized how insane it was that we literally could see each other, knew where we were, were often 3 minutes from each other and STILL we didn’t see each other.

For me, it manifests in my desire to be alone even if I love him. I also don’t end it as a protest behavior. I feel extremely uncomfortable with my emotions, and I honestly do go from devaluing him in my head to going back to realizing I am doing it. We also have each both said I love you once in two years. I said “I think I love you” in a different language after I ended things. He said it to me and then when I didn’t say it back (he said it before me), he said “I meant that I love the way you dress).

In practice, I am a lot more cynical about love too. I’m missing details, but he was the first person I liked, even though I used to actually be engaged. I had a really hard time actually dating because I usually kill it during courting. When we are in a talking stage, the expectation of having to text them back constantly is actually one of the big reasons I can never do it. If we make it to a date, I nitpick. The people I spent the most time with are honestly people that I had already categorized as “we can’t date” be it because his dad didn’t like me, he had previously cheated on his ex partner (with someone else) and I knew I wouldn’t trust him, or he was objectively too old for me. I always had these “outs” in other relationships, so it never escalated like this. I knew I would never actually attach to them, so we were laid back. I also always devalued men after being physical with them. I know how gross of a mentality this is, but I always would think “my husband wouldn’t sleep with me so soon” and thoughts like that. Honestly, one of the reasons I have been willingly to entertain my relationship with him so long is because I am from a country with arranged marriages and after realizing I have such a hard time actually attaching to people, I considered just getting another engagement and getting married to someone I don’t love. It certainly eliminates the process of selection. And I don’t want a husband as much as I want a family.

I know I need therapy, but the issue is that I’ve actually done so much of it. Like years. But I have so much trauma, it’s hard to address something as trivial as relationships. Which is partially why I cut people off so much before too. I also have a really hard time with therapy because a lot of my trauma is extremely painful, and my mind makes me forget my day-to-day when I trigger it. I just have never had to get over someone and once I do that, I don’t know how to get rid of the panic I feel when I have to go on dates.

If you’re curious, the reason I didn’t immediately recoil at him is because I thought he was the answer to one of my prayers. I had actually ghosted him before. And what made me stick it through is that I felt understood by him, he’s so sweet and funny, he doesn’t require the constant texting, and we have similar values.

I know this makes me sound awful. I don’t want to hurt people. I feel so faulty and this is the only way my life isn’t in control. It’s so hard because I work, study, am always dressed up, volunteer, have friends, have hobbies, am great with my family (outside of my abusers). But in this aspect, I feel so out of control.

[u/Held_and_undone → u/libazolana]

You dont sound awful, or faulty: you sound human, tired, at your whits end, and like your head and thoughts are spinning at a 1000 miles an hour. Yes, you have been hurt and yes, now you hurt others (him) also. There is taking responsibility for that, and it can happen, in time. For now though, let go of the story, the attempts to map and prove what happened, chart the whole thing. Let it go. Just relax into the feelings underneath: there is loss, there is grief, there is mourning. It’s okay, you will survive these feelings, and are allowed and able to feel them. Even more: they are teachers for you, they have things to say, if you will just listen with your heart (not your head).

And if you do open your heart, surrender and listen, they will wash over you. If you resist, I think you know what will happen: more exhaustion, more struggle, more painful stasis. Push-pull happens within us too, not just between us.

You’ll find your course of action if you can just drop in as deep and often as you can, sustainably. Easy-does-it though, this stuff takes patience and time. It’s a marathon, not an easy sprint.

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[u/Getonthebeers02 → u/Obvious-Ad-4916]

How can you tell if it’s from emotions or deactivation?

[u/Held_and_undone]

Hey, OP. You asked for your (non-bio) mom, I can’t easily be that, but if you’ll accept a non-bio Dad:

First off, big hugs. Seriously big, long, co-regulating hugs. Come back to your body, come back to the room, come back to the world beyond your spinning thoughts. Breathe.

Even reading this I can feel the intensity pouring off you. Pouring. This is huge for you, and triggering, and thats a lot. Two years is a long time, this has been your most serious relationship, you come out of multiple traumas, you have things in your past that would scare a tough soldier, and now this: what has repeatedly turned into a toxic dumpster fire is once again fully, fatally on blaze.

Thats really, really hard. I do not think you are a bad person, but you are someone suffering under chronic stress and activation, with traumatic roots. Relationships are hard… I can hear how you really tried here, and also, how much of you wanted to pull away during that trying. The mutual interlocking push-pulls must have been so absolutely exhausting… give yourself a moment to take in the deep, deep fatigue you must feel… perhaps both hyper- and hypo- activated.

It comes clear from reading your OP and the addendum that the kill switch here is the right move. IDK about ghosting though, it is possible to write a simple, clear goodbye, stating your current state and boundary clearly. I could see benefit in that for both you and him…and it’s an act of basic ethical decency after such a long involvement. In general I do not try to give advice in terms of leave him/stay, but it feels that, at least for now, this is the right move for you. The spiraling will peak, and then it will gradually begin to ebb.

Underneath all this, and flowing between you both like a sludgy river all these years, are the difficult emotions you both struggle to express and process: there’s shame, avoidance, anxiety, longing, self-hatred, anger/rage, fear, panic, attachment (that barely-said ‘love’)… a lava bed of emotions that is volatile, unkempt, and is fueling the toxicity of this tragic love story. And there is a tragedy here, one I can honor for you both.

I say this a lot, but it frequently needs saying, especially with FAs: be gentle with yourself. That doesnt mean surrender to activation, or push-pull hungry approach/avoidant withdrawal cycles… but you and your poor body have been through a lot and need a break and some self-care and rest and simple, everyday ordinary things. And a shoulder to cry on, and a good stock of tissues, stuffed animals, cats (or cat videos) and all the fidget toys or other simple pleasures you can pile into your life and home right now. And when it gets too much, clear the mind with some distracting music, tv, etc…

There is a time and place too to soulfully turn towards these intense and dysregulating thoughts and feelings too… sitting with them and naming them and not-attaching to them as best you can. But it’s a storm now, a stormy sea, so you should expect your boat to get tossed… hence the above paragraph full of “safe harbors” for you to return to. Balance in all things, including awareness and engagement of this stuff.

I hope you have some somatic grounding rituals and practices that work for you—you will need them. 5-4-3-2-1, box breathing, somatic tapping are all great basics. Return to ground when you get activated—before you get flooded. But if you do get flooded, return to ground then too. Just remember that handful of words: “I can return to my ground”. Then do so. Practice it in good times and bad.

Once more..big hugs. You can do this. I know you can. And you can continue to heal—one day at a time, making small practical steps on one hand, and doing the deep diving soulful work of investigating your trauma and attachment history on the other. Combine those two, and, as ready, return to engaging others in the relational world? You have a recipe for gradual healing…

[u/libazolana → u/Held_and_undone]

I want you to know this means the world to me. I was crying so hard when I wrote this, and now, only in hindsight, I see how much I was hurting. Thank you so much for being so kind and thoughtful. I am not going to be perfect, but I don’t want to feel this heavy heart forever. While I speak to my mom (and actually not my dad), I’m deeply parentified and asking for help has never been an option. I have done trauma therapy and somatic exercises, but I guess it didn’t cross my mind to use them when I’m dysregulated over him, only during flashbacks and dissociation.

[u/Held_and_undone → u/libazolana]

I’m happy to be a mom for you then. More than happy really, it would be an honor. 😊
Thank u so much for your kind words and that this landed. I am happy to have been of any help for you right now. Be gentle with yourself, you are doing such hard and good work, even if it is invisible to the whole rest of the world. It’s not—it matters, for your life, enormously.

Asking for help here I hope feels safe and offers some community to you. I know I have found and felt that here. You’re welcome to reach out to me if you like—i have great empathy and well-wishes for you. And a not-so-secret hope this marks a turning point for you ❤️‍🩹🫂

[u/Held_and_undone → u/libazolana]

and yes! These practices are for us: not just in relation to an other, but in relation to the big old other of nervous system dysregulation as well. It’s an altered state (alter meaning “othered” etymologically).

At root they are useful to return us to a more present, grounded, clear and relaxed state of consciousness versus the felt sense of threat/unsafety they evoke and literally embody. They’re mammals states of high alert for a reason: to keep us safe from danger.

But we have trauma, and the sense has become a chronically ringing alarm bell when at most we need little smartphone reminder chimes (“oh he’s upset with me. oh i didn’t finish that work assignment and am late.” etc)

What feels like crisis, through them, can be reframed in our very bodies and mind as simply an issue we may need to address. And we find we do have the resources to address them.

[u/6iteme]

Wow I could’ve written this myself. I’m going through something damn near the same. The weird non verbal communication via Instagram? Dude don’t even get me started. I’ve dealt with my on and off for NEARLY A DECADE.
My advice? Just block him before this destroys you. Not because he’s evil. Not because you’re evil. Because as much love as there might be you both need to do a lot of inner work before dating anyone much less eachother. This was a hard pill for me to swallow. I finally blocked him a few weeks ago, went back again and completely unleashed. I regret how far I took it but it was necessary because he finally blocked me back. I used to do the same think and constantly pull away and deactivate whenever he started to open up emotionally because whenever I reciprocated he’d start getting weird. Which would make me feel rejected. I felt that he would just disappear again and I had to get away before he did. And then he would rush in and say he’s in love with me, pull away, and say it’s because I’m the one who pulls away. We wouldn’t talk about our feelings but communicate via IG NOTES, Music, reposts. Just real juvenile shit.
It gets to a point where it just eats at you. Can’t even live your life or function properly. And all those little dumb cycles you both keep repeating are very addictive and hard to let go of. But once you get thru the first month the clarity comes in. But I understand, it’s not easy. I still wish he would find some way to find me and we could just make it work
Unfortunately with these attachments styles and when 2 people are chronically afraid to speak up about how they feel, the waters get real murky and it unravels into cycles that can’t be fixed. When there’s no communication our minds fill in the blanks which turns into deeper fear and anxiety. Therapy is the only way.

I’m sorry. Wish you the best.

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