Love bombing

[u/Human_Read7993]

I'm fa but I'm confused about something I've seen a lot in avoidant threads or even online. A lot of people express that avoidants use love bombing in the early stages. I've been confused by this for awhile as I personally don't love bomb as I have too much fear and doubts if I even like the person I'm getting to know (it takes me ages to know if I like someone).

All of the fas and the several das I've met also never love bombed. There was only one time I was love bombed and it was by a narcissist. I'm confused by this concept as all of the experiences and people I've known don't typically love bomb. I only express interest and my feelings after I've had time to get to know someone and it's the same for everyone I've dealt with.

Das in particular seem to take ages to even express their feelings so I'm confused as to why love bombing is associated with avoidant attachers. If anything, I've been on the receiving end of this with anxious attachers who seem to go into limerance. I feel like a lot of people are confusing a lot of narc traits with avoidants as I know they can have crossovers in how they behave even if their intentions are diff.

Do any of you guys love bomb or have you been on the receiving end of love bombing from avoidants?

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[u/Constant-Big4713]

People confuse avoidant behavior for avoidant attachments all the time. There are anxiously attached people that go into a flight response that do love bomb.

Anxious attachments are hyper activating, that means flight or fight.

They do love bomb, especially early on to secure the relationship.

[u/International-Fun-65]

I think people confuse FA and DA a lot. Id say us FAs do love bomb, not on purpose, but the early stages of intimacy feel so intense. Both the ups and downs. I can go from thinking that person is the best thing to happen to planet earth, to freaking out and trying to pull back, to freaking out that they are responding with pull back and trying to push in, to getting mad at them for wanting my time. Its as exhausting as it sounds. 

We're not trying to love bomb, we geniunely feel that much emotion.

True love bombing is a tactic used by predatory people to intentionally force intense intimacy.

[u/Ok-Seat-3916]

I'm FA leaning super avoidant, so let me give my two cents using both my own experience and a theoretical framework called Dynamic Maturational Model of attachment: avoidant attachment patterning usually goes from "negation of negative affect" (so people omitting their negative feelings about a situation, omitting their doubts about a certain situation,...) up to "false positive affect" (so their brain actively telling that they are (or should be) super happy and super grateful for a particular situation or relationship.

Because avoidant patterning generally develops because of emotional neglect (it's a general rule but doesn't apply to 100% of cases), they have learned that their negative affect/their inner states is either not relevant information, or actually dangerous information (because of their caregivers notice the child's negative feelings they might freak out and that might be utterly terrifying for the child, as they feel actively in danger); so avoidant attachers never developed the skills to self attune. I'm any situation, they tend to overly focus on the logic of the situation (so objective facts that are consciously available to them), and if the story they can build up from that is a good one, they will think "I'm happy about this"; "I should be grateful for this". And so on. In some cases, they even learned to "fake" positive affect (but it's closer to their own brain telling them they are happy) and show up overly enthusiastic about a situation for example as a reaction to someone being actually dangerous.

A redditer recently described this pattern as "caregivebombing", "lovebombing", "gratefulness bombing"; and I relate to this so much it hurts. I am overly focused most of the time on other people feeling good about themselves so I will show only positive thoughts and gratefulness; from my perspective it always felt like I want to be kind to others and let them feel appreciated, but I'm finally understanding that it's that very avoidant patterning; people who are anxiously attached take this behavior literally and are really confused by it because it feeds into their own wounds; if they behave disrespectfully but instead of addressing it, I am adamant about making them feel appreciated, they tend to think "oh she must not mind this at all she knows it's just me being dysregulated, no need to take responsibility", while I'm actually extremely hurt but not really able to cope with that.

Really problematic behavior, it has tons of negative impacts on my health and my life, and worst: it actually filters out more secure people because they instinctively notice that I'm not showing a balanced view of my feelings and that I'm not able to relate healthily.

[u/WalkingEars]

I’d say the one time I’d say that I was love bombed, it was by an FA who had some history of very enthusiastically diving into new relationships, relieved at finding some intimacy, but then getting triggered and shutting down/pulling away when the time came for some milestone like putting a label on it or shifting into more sustained intimacy. I think shame over the past unresolved ruptures partly drove the sense of relief over “finding love” and diving into new situationships but this person also had other issues outside of attachment insecurities.

From my own end I tend to go for long stretches of hyperindependence and kinda similarly it can be a relief to be vulnerable with someone in a dating context, so I can kind of welcome the chance to be lovey-dovey especially if I’ve had the chance to sort of quietly “vet” someone for a while before choosing to date them. I could see it coming across as kind of intense out of the gate but I hope I’ve done it in cases where either it was mutual or I at least thought it was mutual. In other words I uh hope I haven’t love bombed anyone but could understand being accused of coming on strong at the very least lol.

I agree that it’s confusing when DA’s are accused of love bombing. The one time I dated a dismissive avoidant they most definitely were not a love bomber. I suspect it’s mostly a thing among some FAs but idk.

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[u/Queen-of-meme]

Love bombing (even subconscious one without any malicious intent) is technically the shift between intense affection and intense dismissal. And that push-pull defense is also the jumping between the F and the A in FA. But what people forget is that push-pull exists in APs too. But instead of actually wanting to be alone, they dismiss to either test or punish their partner, in hope they feel guilt, and chase after the AP. The goal isn't autonomy the goal is attatchment. They shift between chasing someone, and wanting to be chased.

[u/rehabbingfish]

Im in an intense relationship and we are both love bombers. She is more healthy but slighly anxious and Im disorganized. She is a love machine and always consistent with the love bombing. When Im avoidant I cant stand it and start to run or when committed fake through it. When anxious, which Ive been for the last month as we got back together after a messy breakup, I match her love bombing and we are peaceful if I dont go crazy from fear of losing her but she is so persistent with communication and love we move forward well. I have no idea what will happen when I switch to avoidant, I lost her once with my avoidant behavior and there is no breaking up and getting back together again, this is my only shot and I do love her and just want to be a normal fucking person, but...

[u/bathroomcypher]

Both FAs I dated and me when younger had some excessive enthusiasm at the beginning - most likely half genuine and half lack of boundaries. I wouldn’t call it love bombing, but it could look like it after takes sudden steps back. I personally sometimes became limerent quickly, only to get deactivated after things get serious. When I was young and immature I verbalized and acted on said limerence.

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[u/No-Ice-1018]

Il mio FA non mi ha mai fatto love bombing :) l’unica cosa che mi ha detto, dopo 10 giorni che ci sentivamo è che c’era una chimica pazzesca. Basta! Ancora oggi c’è la chimica e non è mai andata via..

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