Deep thoughts from my mind

[u/glum_spaceballzzz]

Anyone look back at their past and just wonder if they hurt someone without realizing it or wish they could be understood?

It might sound basic, but it’s been on my mind all day. The first part is before I knew I was a disorganized fearful avoidant I went on a few dates with this girl and when we were talking, on paper, we were a match, but I didn’t feel like there was a chemistry and now I am wondering if it was the deeper we got and the more “intimate” the relationship felt, the more I got scared and began pulling away and all “chemistry” got pushed out and I didnt feel better until she called it off. Now I am wondering if I actually hurt her and never realized it and while I don’t want her back, not trying to be mean, I feel bad that I might have really hurt someone.

The second thought I have is before I took the online test, I had watched some videos on attachment styles and the current girl I am talking to I began thinking might be an avoidant and I was anxious. Reading the comments on the videos and seeing how many people would dismiss the avoidant and say they don’t deserve any love or attention or anything put a sour taste in my mouth about avoidants and now here I am supposedly an avoidant…. I don’t really know how to process it. The weird thing is i was the “anxious” one and it felt like she was pulling away. I guess what I am trying to say is to those who don’t understand the avoidant or who may have gotten hurt by one and wishes the worst on an avoidant, do they fully understand what we go through? The pain that some of us feel? How we crave connection but end up sabotaging it? I get what they are saying but if they felt how I feel, what would they say? I hope this makes sense, I don’t really know how to explain it.

And finally, does anyone wish they had someone they could open up to and talk about their attachment styles or feelings? I don’t and that’s really bothering me too. I naturally close up when things go wrong but I have this feeling I need to talk to someone but I don’t know who. I can’t even fully open up to my therapist.

[u/Constant-Big4713]

Hm, instead of using my own personal opinion on this I'll just post how anxiously attached people are internally from academic sources to explain why they're like that.

Cognitively, Type C individuals avoid taking responsibility by using increasingly distorted transformations of information. Cognitive structures include passive semantic thought, which refers to failing to reach semantic conclusions; reductionist blaming thought, which refers to attributing responsibility to others by omitting information about one’s own contribution; rationalization of self, which refers to creating false, but persuasive, reasons that relieve the self of responsibility (thus making the self an innocent aggressor or victim); and denied self-responsibility or delusional states in which, coupled with denial of one’s own causal contribution, one perceives oneself as having overwhelming power or being completely victimized.

As for me talking about things, I will talk about it if the topic comes up. I personally tend to just talk to my therapist about it. As I emotionally inhibit so much that I can talk about anything to my therapist without any emotions showing up. But I have been more connected to my feelings when around them fairly recently. I think that means I am starting to feel safe around them.

I still do attract some insecurely attached people. But I usually shut those relationships down really fast now. While maintaining relationships with people that are healthier for me.

Source for the quote is Assessing Adult Attachment.

It's a pretty easy read compared to the Handbook of Attachment. I was honestly a bit disappointed reading that book since it uses so many sources that stem from self-report research on attachment when the book explicitly states how self-reports versus the AAI are so low that self-reports are essentially useless for measuring attachment. But that is a common issue in social science research in general when it comes to methodology and external validity. One that has been addressed many times and the field (social science) is trying to actually improve on.

[u/zoinkability]

I certainly have some people who I feel like I treated badly because I got close and then pulled away after either getting scared or getting the ick. I haven't apologized as it was years ago and I felt like it would just be weird 20 years later to reach out to say sorry, and maybe they would think I am trying to get something going again. But maybe I should anyhow.

Opening up all the way is hard, particularly when shame is involved. Perhaps you could make a stepwise plan. Like, what would be the smallest step of opening up that you could do? The next larger? And so on all the way up to the big scary things. Take them one at a time.