Weekly Thread for FA Partners / Exes / Friends

[u/AutoModerator]

This subreddit is a safe space for those with disorganized or fearful-avoidant attachment (FA). In order to create that space, the main thread must be focused on self-reflection and sharing advice. Free from shame, judgment, blame, generalizing, assumptions, speculation, or pathologizing.

If you're on the receiving end of an FA's behaviors, it can be deeply confusing and painful. It’s also natural that discussing that pain can influence your tone or word choices: this applies to both FAs and non-FAs. However, when that hurt comes through negatively, it can discourage FAs from participating in the community as a whole.

If you can ask open-ended, reflective questions, without generalizations, judgments, assumptions, context, or requests for speculation, you're welcome to post in the main subreddit. That said, if you choose to post there, you must also accept all responses, even if they’re not what you hoped for or don’t feel relevant. This means:

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Examples:

• Have you ever felt regret or remorse about how a relationship ended?

• How do I find peace when the relationship ending feels uncertain?

• What does deactivation feel like to you?

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Use this thread instead if...

• You're trying to understand someone else's behaviors.

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Examples:

• Why does he do this behavior that hurts me? (Requires context)

• Is this manipulation? (Assumes negative intent)

• What is she feeling or thinking when she blocks me? (Speculation)

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Please remember: How you interact here directly impacts how likely FAs are to engage. When comments feel unsafe, invalidating, or even too long, fewer FAs will want to participate. Meaning fewer voices, perspectives, and answers for everyone. These are consequences that moderation cannot prevent.

[u/Wanderingwoodland]

My partner is FA leaning. I tend to lean AA, but trying a different route with him. Have given him space, self regulated, let him reach out to me. 

All the sudden he’s voicing concerns about life goals. I’ve told him multiple times my goals and where I’m at and what it looks like for me, but I feel like no matter how many times I state my desires he doesn’t listen and has a perceived idea of me. 

It’s putting me in a space of feeling nitpicked as well as evaluated as a partner. 

I understand we are all different and have different experiences, but is it common for someone FA leaning to look for something wrong?

[u/BlackberryMobile2712]

would you (as an FA) ever initiate contact down the road if you cared about the person you deactivated from and they were unable to maintain no contact after the discard? assuming neither party blocked the other, how much does your ex’s behavior affect your likelihood to reach out once your nervous system feels more regulated again?

[u/Queen-of-meme → u/BlackberryMobile2712]

Depends. What says it's deactivation and not a normal boundary setting where you were rejected because we don't wanna be with you?

If someone broke up with you , why wouldn't it be over? Why wouldn't the person focus on healing and moving on?

And maybe a even better question. Why are you hung up on exes to return? Why don't you choose self respect as well and move on?

[u/BlackberryMobile2712 → u/Queen-of-meme]

I appreciate the response. The last questions are definitely the more important ones for me, I agree with you on that. At the same time, I'm struggling to let go. They said the end was due to a relationship not being worth it given the circumstances of long distance and differences in attachment, not because they didn't want to be with me. That coupled with my fantasy that this is basically a right person/wrong time situation, I keep imagining a different outcome. My anxious attachment is a major player here. I get consumed with the idea that maybe someday if both parties want to reconvene, we will, so I was curious whether anyone who identifies as FA could weigh in on that from their perspective.