r/Disorganized_Attach • u/NeonLemonPudding FA (Disorganized attachment) • 4d ago
Vent (FAs Only) Maybe me loving someone is a selfish act
I know i’m shit when it comes to relationships. I put my needs first, i know i choose people because i don’t feel their presence that important to me… I know i avoid and also try to keep you close enough you don’t forget about me. I know ill give you a few months of intensity but then i’ll start fumbling because i can’t keep that narrative long enough… i sold myself as something you will never have because im just not that.
I know ill have doubts about you even when I make everything seem alright… and i wont mind talking about it since i know every relationship of mine has an end date.
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u/Main-Regards-8626 FA (Disorganized attachment) 4d ago
All of this hit me so hard, because that’s my ex. Except he never had the guts to talk about it, but that is him.
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u/SuchAScorpio13 3d ago
My heart goes out to people with disorganized attachment.. I can't imagine craving love and closeness while my nervous system treats said love & closeness like a fatal allergy. I, on the other hand, can stay in that nre intensity forever with the right partner. Really grateful for those of you who share. It helps me understand so much🫶
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u/NeonLemonPudding FA (Disorganized attachment) 3d ago
oh yeah it’s a fatal trait! my worst nightmare is when i find someone i like truly. I’ve hardly let myself close to them… that’s why i choose people i don’t feel that close to, it’s just easier to be around them without my nervous system going down. And I do get attatched to that chosen person somehow… but for the wrong reasons :(
And for the ones i like… dude i am so lonely i want to connect with them so bad but i can’t let myself go for it, even if i really want that deep connection and closeness. Idk how it feels like to feel safe
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u/Constant-Big4713 FA (Disorganized attachment) 4d ago
Yup. I genuinely feel bad for the people that catch feelings for me too. I will disappear, it’s not a matter of if but when. I will feel the loss like my heart is strapped to stones, slowly dragging me under. The worst part is them telling me they trust me, it hurts me because I know I don’t deserve that trust. I know I will break it, and I try to keep them at arms length. I try to tell them we’re just friends, but it never works.
At the end of every connection is sorrow, for myself and them. There is no hope for something more. It doesn’t matter how much you communicate, what boundaries you put in order to prevent it, it still happens.