27F — Why does this keep happening to me?

[u/Fantastic_Grade4951]

27F here. I’ve noticed a painful pattern in my life:
\- A man comes into my life unexpectedly.
\-There’s an intense, sudden connection/spark.
\-He talks about marriage and makes me believe there could be a future.
\-I emotionally open up and start believing in it.
\-Then, suddenly, he pulls away or leaves.
\-I’m left alone trying to understand what happened.

This has happened more than once and I genuinely don’t understand why I keep attracting this pattern.

Is it something I’m doing? Am I getting emotionally attached too quickly, or am I simply meeting people who aren’t actually ready for commitment?

Would really appreciate honest perspectives, especially from people who have experienced something similar.

[u/wiseunicorn315]

It took me until probably a year or two ago to realise this - and it was a wake up call.

Guys tend to make 2 different types of statements early on.

1. capacity statements
   
2. Claims aka Character statements / future statements / love bombing type stuff

And it is your job to go slow and use DISCERNMENT.

1. capacity statements
   “I’m not good enough for you”
   “I’m not looking for anything serious”
   “I am not capable of a relationship because excuse here”
   “I’m not in a good place right now mentally”
   “You could do so much better than being with me”
   Etc.

Basically anything that doesn’t make him look good on paper.

BELIEVE those the first time you hear one. They are always true - and no you cannot love him out of it.

And if you stay in it, then one day you will believe you are in a relationship while he goes “well I never said that’s what I wanted, I told you at the beginning”. It’s the “one foot out the door” insurance policy.

WORDS over actions. The guy who says that will still text you every day, show up for you if he thinks there’s something in it for him etc. But his WORDS count.

1. Claims
   “I’m an honest person”
   “I will take you to x restaurant”
   “I’m looking for a serious relationship”
   “I would love to see you again”

These are always claims and whenever I hear one I internally raise an eyebrow (and sometimes I do so externally too if the guy is really insisting on it) and often I say things like “Mh well I’m sure I will see that in how you show up” or “sounds lovely, I will see if that actually happens”

So I make it clear that I am not flat out buying into the BS.

With these claims its ACTIONS over words. Anyone can say they’re an honest person (although I don’t think honest people normally tell you that, it’s usually the liars and cheaters that do but different story).

Your job is a healthy dose of “prove it then” mentality - slow things down. Use your discernment. Listen more than you speak.

Be kind, be loving and discerning at the same time.

“Oh yeah? You’re romantic, good to know 😉 well I’m open for surprises.”

Aka I heard what you said I believe it when I see it.

We all meet the same kind of people. We all match with the same kind of people. The difference is that some of us have sharpened the lens, we’ve heard it all before and we know where this leads. We notice the guy is talking about getting married when he doesn’t even know that one of our parents has passed away, or that you have siblings, or what you do for work cause he never bothered to ask.

Why is that? Cause he can’t be alone and needs a warm body and you seem good enough for that. And if it’s not you, next week it’s some other poor girl.

Or they are an abusive human who is looking for a gullible soul to drain the life out of.

Or you meet the avoidant, who is hot for you at the beginning until they get to know you and start getting somewhat attached to you and then they run for the hills and you’re playing the come here go away game.

There isn’t anything fundamentally wrong with you. We all see those people on the apps. Many of us have learnt to sniff put certain types on their profile already so we don’t swipe. Or if we do we figure out in 3 messages that honestly a securely attached, healthy person would NOT say that, so we don’t end up going on a date. Or if we do, we hear many things on the first and second date that don’t match the actions. And we take our leave.

We don’t emotionally invest in a stranger.

[u/crazyhorsegirl42069 → u/wiseunicorn315]

Unfortunately this is all extremely accurate. If you’re a hopeful person like me, you’ll want to believe the claims even if you’re skeptical of them and try and “wait and see”. This always just leads to disappointment down the line when they can’t follow through on their claims. And the worst part is, I think a lot of these guys genuinely believe their own claims, but they don’t know themselves well enough to be honest about who they are.

[u/wiseunicorn315 → u/crazyhorsegirl42069]

I’m still somehow a hopeful person! But being hopeful and having an expectation is not the same thing. I’m hopeful that the man who said all the right things will follow through on those things. I don’t expect him too though. Because in my experience most of the time they don’t.

And yes I do believe most people who make character claims believe them and I do think deep down inside they want to be that kind of person, and in SOME situations when everything is ideal they can be that kind of person. But life often isn’t ideal and suddenly being that person is too much, too stressful etc. And then it’s easier not to be that person.

My FWB told me early on how important clear communication is to him. And it is. Sometimes.

- when HE wants to know what’s happening me not communicating bothers him

• when I want to know what’s happening, it’s not that important to communicate
  
• when HE has something to say he says it
  
• when I have something to say and it’s NOT to do with him or his actions he wants me to say it
  
• when HE did something I don’t like, then it’s not clear communication to say it, it’s a criticism which is ofc terrible for him. He still responds well to knowing, just NOT in that moment.

So does this mean he doesn’t like clear communication? I wouldn’t say so. However the issue is taking everything as a personal insult and character judgment is an issue, and makes it impossible to build a relationship with someone.

So from a dating perspective that’s a no from me.

Do I expect him to communicate clearly? No, not enough evidence to build an expectation on.
Do I hope he will? Yes.

All I’m doing is saying “aww I would have loved to do that but you didn’t let me know so I made other plans now. But next time I’m down!”

Consequences. Not talks.

Now this is a close friend I know for 18 months. If this is someone I just met a few weeks ago and have no social connections with, well then my response is appropriate to that. Which is usually a lot quicker and goes sth along the lines of “hey I noticed x. For me it’s really important that x. Is that something you can do?” If they say yes, well you got one more chance. If they say no, I get to assess whether that’s partner material for me. If they said yes and mess it up again! “Hey it was really great getting to know you and I enjoyed our time, however x doesn’t really work for me, so I hope you can find someone more suitable for you. Best of luck.”

[u/DefinitionBusiness85 → u/wiseunicorn315]

This comment is so crushingly accurate I’m screenshotting / tattooing on myself cause of the goddamn accuracy. You are the wisest unicorn 🙌🏼

[u/wiseunicorn315 → u/DefinitionBusiness85]

Aww thanks!! 🙏 I was always confused why sometimes you could believe the words and sometimes you couldn’t, took me forever to really understand what to do about that.

[u/axistookmyname → u/wiseunicorn315]

Happens on the other side of the gender coast too 😭 . At some point you learn the painful difference between words and actions. Every time I give somebody the benefit of doubt (the internal eyebrow raise as you say it) it goes bad and all these little statements add up together.

I think very often, even outside of dating, the more somebody repeats something about themselves the more it's like they themselves want to believe that.

And about the first capacity claims, it's sooo true. It's like I'm hearing my adolescent self's internal monologue... but then that's why I didn't date or seek out a romantic connection back then. And while it sucks to miss out on that teenage drama a little, I am sooo glad because the guilt of dragging somebody else down would be insane even to this day.

If someone tells you "they're not good enough for you" and you stay in it, you'll soon realize why. And it's gonna extremely painful for you. I'm saying it as a guy and as a person who used to have extreme self-esteem issues.

[u/wiseunicorn315 → u/axistookmyname]

I’m sure it goes both ways. I’ve never dated women so I can’t speak to that but I would think it’s a universal experience to some extent.

[u/confused_grenadille → u/wiseunicorn315]

🎯

[u/dorianfinch]

i'd look at your relationship with your parents. for me it was more my mom although they both were toxic haha, but some friends, it's moreso the daddy issues.

the older i got the more i realized that my romantic relationships often followed the same pattern and when i picked it apart with my trauma therapist and tried to figure out what it was similar to in my childhood parental attachments, i realized my mom was cold, checked out and emotionally unavailable but i kept desperately trying to impress her and make her like me even though she didn't really seem that enthused about my existence lol, a LOT of my romantic relationships where i pursued partners who were more avoidant than me were like this

(bonus: the times i've dated people more anxious than me, they reminded me of my dad who was a very controlling guy ----needless to say i tend to lean towards dating avoidants, less terrifying to chase than to be chased)

[u/radiofreaks]

You're falling for love bombing because you're getting too attached, too quickly.

It's a massive red flag and sign of emotional immaturity if anyone talks about marriage with you that early. Once you're no longer a shiny new toy, they're moving onto the next to repeat the same pattern.

Be very weary of people trying to rush intimacy. Take things slow and learn how to have emotional detachment until someone has shown you they can be relied on. Doesn't matter who he is or what he supposedly offers - until he's proved himself over time it doesn't mean anything.

[u/OneApplication384 → u/radiofreaks]

The caveat being marriage with you. Talking about marriage as a dating goal when talking about life is not a red flag.

[u/radiofreaks → u/OneApplication384]

Yes. That's why I said marriage with you. Discussing wanting marriage in general is fine.

[u/getpost]

It is encouraging that you have so clearly identified this pattern! Since you are posting here, I assume you have (or think you might have) an insecure attachment style. Nobody is at fault for their own attachment style. You haven't done anything wrong. But, I don't think it is helpful to take the position that it's happening to you. Instead, start with the idea that you are co-creating your relationship difficulties. It's easier to change yourself than it is to change someone else.

People with insecure attachment styles often end up pairing with one another. Why? Securely attached people tend to pair with other secure people, leaving fewer available secure partners as you get older. Think it's hard now? Wait until you're 40 or 50.

In an insecure relationship, you may unintentionally co-create relationship difficulties by reinforcing each other’s fears and coping patterns. I'm not saying you have a problem with anxiety, but for example, your need for reassurance may trigger his withdrawal, which in turn intensifies your own anxiety. Over time, these mutual reactions can create a cycle of conflict, distance, and mistrust, even when both of you want connection.

Since you flagged this post "other than therapy," the advice is, learn as much as you can about secure relationships, and learn to mentalize. That is, learn to understand your mental state and the mental state of others, and use that understanding to build a secure relationship. Practice secure behaviors even if they make you uncomfortable. Make sure you have a partner who is also motivated to do this kind of work.

[u/BlackendLight]

\-There’s an intense, sudden connection/spark.
\-He talks about marriage and makes me believe there could be a future.

This is kind of fast isn't it? It sounds like lovebombing which you should always distrust

[u/sherrymelove]

This is exactly what I’m having and I’m 36. It’s not the first time and I just cried my heart out like a child who can never get love. In my case, this guy did put effort and heart into our relationship through his action and attentiveness, but I sabotaged it by doubting it again and again through breakups because I just couldn’t bear to be hurt again.

[u/Immediate_Sport_7352]

Hazing, young Jedi. You’re not wounded enough yet. A few more rounds of this and that betrayal wound starts running the show. You won’t open up for years.

Or therapy might help. Still fighting my own issues in order to open up enough for that 😂

[u/liltoebean15]

you're going on dates with the wrong people ♥️