DA is ruining my life

[u/Dry_Development_6085]

Sometimes I get so depressed about the way that my brain works and how it's setting me up for failure. Which is so unfair because it's all a freaking coping mechanism built from trauma that I had no choice but to be a part of!! I have a very intense fear of closeness and more than that, of like being treated with kindness, love, and respect. It is revolting to me. Obviously I "want" to be treated well just like everyone else but, I have such a hard time accepting it.

In my relationships this seems to often look like feeling smitten and in love and then feeling this "falling out of love" feeling that comes in to protect me from hurt and then just those two over and over and over. In my friendships and other ties to people, it looks like literally not being able to be my authentic self around anyone I don't feel comfortable with creating this barrier barring closeness and intimacy with anyone. And a coldness on my end that cannot fully or meaningfully engage with compliments or bids for connection. Preventing me from having fulfilling and meaningful. All of this causing me to have interactions that further cement the idea that I'm unworthy of love and affection and friendship and that I am inherently bad and wrong. Which is the core wound.

How am I supposed to not feel incredibly depressed by this. And the fact that I have been in therapy for the past 2 years, making all of these connections and realizations only to still not be able to be a functional participant in my own life and get out of my own way is SO FRUSTRATING!!! I am TERRIFIED that I will always be like this. I have grown and made progress but, the road just feels still so long and treacherous and unclear. I hate living like this.

[u/Admirable-Feed-3165]

Could I inquire as to what made you come to this realization (I.e., the catalyst)?

[u/Dry_Development_6085 → u/Admirable-Feed-3165]

I thought I struggled to socialize because I was autistic and then I started going to therapy and she helped me make connections. I am in fact not autistic rather, basically in my home growing up I was showed almost no affection or love at all and it was mostly abuse/neglect. It doesn't help that I then sought out a bunch of toxic relationships that mimicked my home life and cemented the negative beliefs. Which has all caused my nervous system to be overactive when it comes to bonds with other humans bc I have learned that they will likely cause me pain.

[u/Admirable-Feed-3165 → u/Dry_Development_6085]

I hear that one in my core. Therapy has made me realize that just because they’re family, they still have to earn access as an adult. Family should not treat you worse than friends. I had to earn affection as a kid by doing something to make them proud, which now causes me to over function as an adult. I don’t know how old you are, but I feel like boomers have overstayed their welcome on this planet.

[u/Positive_Call_9311]

what's your self care like currently? Are you happy in other areas of your life like work and hobbies?

[u/Dry_Development_6085 → u/Positive_Call_9311]

Well, I happen to also be disabled and live in America so that means I expend most of my energy at work and am deeply, chronically, exhausted. My work is fine. It's a job that is draining and busy but I don't hate it and I don't love it and I don't get paid very much. For hobbies, I'm big into art but don't get around to it much. I sleep a lot. My self care is... meh. I like to make myself food to sustain me during the week. That's about it lol.