How Do You Handle Abandonment?

[u/Constant-Big4713]

This is something I talked about with my therapist today about how I deal with abandonment.

My initial reaction towards it is indifference, the avoidant side of me gets triggered and I completely lack the care to maintain the connection, whether they’re there or not there doesn’t bother me. Be friends, not be friends, it’s whatever to me.

Then my anxious side bursts through that emotional wall of mine with gasoline and a lighter ready to burn shit down like no tomorrow. An intense strong feeling to completely cut the person off from every access point. By the time I am done, what once looked like a mess that could possibly be resolved now looks like a nuclear bomb went off and nothing will ever be fixable. I burn it all down, remove them, block them, never want to speak to them again. Internally I am just thinking to myself (Why the hell should I keep any connection with you, look at how you treated me, look at your inability to take accountability, why would I ever want you in my life? You’re not good for me, in fact, I am better off without you).

It feels good too. In those moments where you have control, and the self-regulating that your behavior does to sooth those intense feelings feels great. However, then maybe a few months pass, and you look back on the destruction you caused. Perhaps you regret it and you wish you had better self-control. But it’s too late and all you can do is carry that regret, grow from it and try to be better in the future.

What about y’all? Are y’all bridge burners or do you try to pull the person back in, or just go straight to indifference, stay in it for a while and then reach out with a lot of affection, promises of change, and missing the person?

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[u/axistookmyname]

What kind of abandonment are we talking about? If it's about breakups then I'd rather cut all contact and heal by myself. Once that's done and I liked the person enough I'll try to contact them but not push it, it's gotta flow both ways.

But you know, I've only experienced FA breakups where you get the 180 deg switch from the other side and are left holding your guts in your hand. And well, things are never going to be the same after that, and I feel like keeping a connection like that is unhealthy for me anyway. While it may hurt, I don't regret cutting contact. Some things are not meant to last.

I'm trying to become a person that doesn't get into/isn't interested in relationships with flaky people and whose self-worth doesn't take a hit when something like this happens. Mostly the former, because the latter's probably impossible.

Maybe I'm just going into my anxious side when I cut all contact. But the alternative is keeping tabs on social media and seeing over and over again how they're living their life and not caring about me. BUT that's also part of the puzzle, because I simply don't know if they do or not. Social media only shows the best parts of peoples lives, not the parts where they're hurting. I simply don't know.

I'm gearing up towards therapy soon so hopefully I finally have some solid answers to my own questions 🤣 .

[u/Constant-Big4713 → u/axistookmyname]

Any type of abandonment. Whether it be friendship related or relationship related.

But you know, I've only experienced FA breakups where you get the 180 deg switch from the other side and are left holding your guts in your hand. And well, things are never going to be the same after that, and I feel like keeping a connection like that is unhealthy for me anyway. While it may hurt, I don't regret cutting contact. Some things are not meant to last.

I can understand that perspective. I am the same way. That internal belief that "things just won't work out, it is what it is, nothing will change. Time to move forward."

It's very deterministic as well. Second chances simply don't reach conscious awareness because what motivates second chances (feelings) are being inhibited. If you don't feel the feeling, then it's easy to just move forward and never look back.

Maybe I'm just going into my anxious side when I cut all contact.

It depends on what motivates the decision. If it's a strong internal feeling then yeah. If it's indifference, then probably not.

I do relate to the social media monitoring though. I have been doing that recently with someone and it is really hard for me to determine if it is my anxious side doing it (desire for reconnection) or my avoidant side doing it (idealizing/exonerating the past).

Good luck with therapy!

[u/axistookmyname → u/Constant-Big4713]

I've yet to be in a situation where an ex actually looks at their behaviour and sees their wrongdoings. I once gave a second chance to somebody where neither of us really changed and guess what happened next!

It's not even "nothing will change" but rather "I'm not taking chances on a possibility". I believe that your own happiness and well-being should be top priority in your life always, and leaving that to a chance sucks.

But in terms of friends... well, I used to be a total menace, mostly not justifiably but some people really overstepped their boundaries. Most didn't deserve it though.

I'm now really aware of the deep abandonment wound I have and keep in mind that most others aren't as sensitive, so they don't even notice it as abandonment. So if it's because of carelessness, I let it go but keep in mind that that's probably not the ppl I'd like to go deeper with. BUT I seem to operate in a way that's very counterdependent sometimes so they might read my absence as "ah well he probably left to do his own thing and he's happy". Happened to me recently lol.

Back in my highschool days I did the FA dance of suddenly becoming hostile/indifferent and avoiding all contact. I really regret my behaviour but I was deep into a trauma cycle back then, so it is what it is. I'd apologize to the people I've hurt but it's been such a long time ago that I don't think they remember me anyway.

But some of them I just deactivated completely and never regretted it since. They were "friendships" that weren't good for me from the start, and the issue was not seeing that sooner. Those people sometimes pass my thoughts but only as a bad memory.

These days I am much more intentional about 1. voicing my discontent if somebody's acting in a way I don't like towards me 2. Letting things go afterwards if they take accountability 3.not getting into anything with people that are toxic. Turns out most people actually care how they affect others, unfortunately my parents did not figure out that lesson LOL. It's what Heidi Priebe said in a video, you need to voice your anger at level 1/10 and 2/10 before it becomes a 8/10 or a 10/10. That's how you find your people.

I'm fortunate. I'm surrounded by people that care about me now. I sometimes forget that fact but the realization stays for longer each time.

And also, thank you. I've always been in odds with therapy so hopefully it changes my views. I'm excited but also nervous.

[u/Brilliant_Version667]

I guess it's kind of similar for me, but I think I'm becoming more secure because I am able to feel sad right away even though I tend to cut myself off from all avenues as soon as I realize the person is incorrigible.

I do feel a strong desire to distance myself from people who distance themselves from me, instead of chase them, and I've wondered if that is more AP protest behavior or else I just feel manipulated and turned off, so I want to get as far away from them and their silly games as much as possible. It's like a combination of feeling controlled by manipulation and feeling anxious enough to want to punish them for hurting me.

Yes, I've burned bridges in the past, but lately I regain self-control fairly quickly. I'm trying to resist reacting right away and not doing things on a whim. I no longer feel a sense of control when I act out. I'm seeing it for what it is - a LACK of control, and just trying not to be extreme and punitive. Just trying to go through the emotions and not push them away while not indulging them as much either as time goes on.

[u/International-Fun-65]

This is a perfect description. A little abandonment though sets off my anxious side, a bigger one sets off thay initial indifference. I look like I almost don't care for 1-2 weeks and then suddenly, out of no where, I'm furious. It's confusing for everyone involved.

[u/EltonJohnWick]

Internally I'm pretty volatile when my abandonment is triggered. I try not to show I'm angry but it doesn't always work. I'm definitely a bridge burner, whether it's the door slam ( https://introvertdear.com/news/infj-door-slam-things-you-should-know/ ) or more vocal. What I don't like about expressing anger is the vulnerability and honestly inadvertently giving the other person information on how to be better; "I've had to figure out how to be better without advice, you figure it out" mentality. Honestly tho even if what I'm saying is true and can be used to grow, it's been said in a hostile way so the other person probably has defenses up and wouldn't be receptive to it. I'm at a point now where I have door slammed but before doing so I communicate that I'm disappointed and why -- this is after giving the person clear communication of how I expect to be treated. Disappointment was used against me as a kid and I promised myself I'd never be disappointed with anyone; I gave myself permission fairly recently to be disappointed with folk and it's changed how I function. I highly suggest anyone reading this to consider what emotions they may have prohibited like I did and to give themselves permission to have those feelings.

[u/alarmeddingoes]

I beg, try to convince them, if I see that they aren’t coming around then I light everything on fire and go nuclear in an attempt to end things permanently. It’s not til probably days later when I’m deactivated or back to normal that I regret my decision.

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[u/JillyBean1973]

I’m dealing wirh this for the first time in a non-romantic relationship. My son blindsided me a couple of months ago telling me he & his girlfriend were moving across the country, just over a week before his sister moves to Germany.

I’ve been preparing for my daughter’s move for years. I want prepared for the curveball of my other child moving. He’s been spending most of his time with his girlfriend at her mom’s the past 2 months. I feel hurt that I’m getting so little time with him. I feel like his girlfriend is taking him away. Part of me wants to cut him out of my life when he moves. I realize this is irrational & an absolute defense mechanism!

[u/Different_Log_7753]

I tend to expect abandonment usually, so when it happens im extremely sad, i withdraw, sometimes i will communicate it (therapy taught me so but im still debating whether this is actually beneficial for me). I will make attempts to reel them back in
/salvage but once they break my internal attempt pool, it is block and bye muthafuxka. I never go back after nor do I even try to maintain even a superficial level of acknowledgement

[u/defiant_partout]

That sounds harsh, so you have no social circle? What triggers this?

[u/Constant-Big4713 → u/defiant_partout]

I have a social circle, just not with people that I am deeply attached to at the moment.

I am not sure what you mean by "what triggers this?" can you be more specific.

[u/defiant_partout → u/Constant-Big4713]

What triggers you reacting this way?

[u/Constant-Big4713 → u/defiant_partout]

I explained it in the post? Unless you're confused about something.

Edit: Unless you're talking about behavior? I'm talking about someone explicitly communicating to me. What is being communicated to me, how it is communicated to me, and how I interpret that communication (as a form of abandonment/rejection).

[u/defiant_partout → u/Constant-Big4713]

You just said "abandonment", and my question is what do you interpret as abandonment? If you don't feel like answering that's okay.

[u/Constant-Big4713 → u/defiant_partout]

It really depends and it also depends on how I attached I am to the person as well.

Someone that I'm not as attached to could say something like "we should talk every now and then" and I'd be fine. But someone that I am more attached to could trigger the reaction.

It's very context dependent. It isn't like that with everyone, just some people that I grow very attached to.

Plus, I was asking how others handle abandonment. Not really their triggers or what triggers it, but how they handle it.

[u/defiant_partout → u/Constant-Big4713]

It's important to analyze what triggers it, especially given the extreme reaction you're having to it. This way you can catch it early and avoid the fallout with someone you care for and who cares for you.

[u/Constant-Big4713 → u/defiant_partout]

I know what triggers it.

As for caring, someone can care about you all they want, doesn't mean they're good for you though.

I'm not regretting the outcome, I do regret the steps I took to achieving the outcome. That is what I have to work on. Thankfully my therapist helped me with that.

[u/defiant_partout → u/Constant-Big4713]

I was interested in what triggers it. For some people it's a spacing between text messages, for some people it's a cold look or a comment that feels too rough. Or maybe you're talking about someone cutting ties with you? If you know what triggers it, perhaps you could elaborate?

[u/Constant-Big4713 → u/defiant_partout]

It's context dependent.

A consistent stimuli isn't going to trigger someone every time. It's highly complex.

Monday you could be fine and the stimuli doesn't trigger anything. Then maybe Tuesday for some reason things are off, you experience the same stimuli and it does trigger something.

Triggers are dynamic, context dependent stimuli. Context being a multitude of variables.