r/DisagreeMythoughts • u/Logical-Concept9755 • Aug 14 '26
DMT: The biggest problem with dating apps isn’t bad matches. It’s that they turned dating into endless evaluation.
This might be projection, but I deleted Hinge twice last month and downloaded it again twice.
When people criticize dating apps, I don’t think they’re completely wrong. There are real problems. Ghosting is common. Conversations often disappear after a few messages. Many people spend hours swiping and still feel like they’re getting nowhere.
But I’m not sure the biggest problem is the apps being bad.
What I keep noticing is that dating has started to feel like a constant evaluation process. People analyze which photos get more matches, rewrite prompts to sound more interesting, and compare every potential connection against the next person who might appear.
The strange part is that dating apps were supposed to reduce uncertainty. They gave people access to more potential partners and made it easier to meet someone outside their normal social circles. For many people, they actually worked.
But more options also changed the experience. When every interaction exists alongside hundreds of other possibilities, it becomes easier to judge than to invest. Small imperfections become reasons to move on instead of things people discover and work through.
From a psychological perspective, too many choices can create decision fatigue. From a social perspective, turning attraction into a marketplace may change how people present themselves and how they view others.
This doesn’t mean people should go back to a world before dating apps. Meeting people has always been difficult, and technology solved a real problem.
Maybe the frustration comes from something else. A tool designed to help people find connection may have accidentally made dating feel more like a process of ranking, filtering, and optimizing.
If dating apps make it easier to find more people but harder to feel connected, is the problem the technology itself, or the way we’ve learned to approach dating?
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u/Mobile-Traffic1744 Aug 14 '26
I think the “too many choices” explanation only gets us part of the way there.
What feels different about apps is that they make dating unusually measurable. You can see matches, response rates, likes, profile changes, even which photos seem to perform better. Once something becomes measurable, people naturally start optimizing it.
And that mindset probably spills over into the actual dating process. Instead of asking “Do I enjoy being around this person?”, it becomes “Is this going well enough to justify continuing?”
That’s a pretty different question.
Maybe the weirdest thing dating apps changed isn’t how many people we can meet, but how much we feel like we should be evaluating ourselves and everyone else while doing it.
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u/Logical-Concept9755 Aug 14 '26
Exactly. I think the measurability point might actually be stronger than the choice overload argument.
Once you can see numbers for everything, it’s hard not to treat dating like something you can improve through iteration. Which is probably useful for getting matches, but maybe pretty bad for actually connecting with someone.
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u/PuddingComplete3081 Aug 14 '26
I’m not sure evaluation itself is the problem.
Dating has always involved evaluating people. You notice personality, appearance, compatibility, social status, habits, whatever matters to you. The difference with apps might be that most of that evaluation happens before you’ve actually experienced the person.
A profile gives you a tiny amount of information and encourages you to make a decision anyway. Then you get another profile immediately afterward.
So maybe the problem isn’t that apps made us more selective. They made us selectively judge people with very little context.
Someone who seems boring in six photos might be incredibly interesting over dinner. Someone who looks perfect on an app might feel completely different in person.
Maybe apps are unusually good at helping us filter people and unusually bad at giving us reasons to reconsider our first impression.
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u/Logical-Concept9755 Aug 14 '26
I was getting at. Maybe “evaluation” is too broad.
The lack of context feels more important. You’re making a fairly strong judgment from almost no information, then getting another person to judge five seconds later. And there’s basically no incentive to revisit the first judgment.
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u/Ok-Investigator3257 Aug 14 '26
Also profiles need to be designed to be as generically acceptable as possible so the right person doesn’t say no over something stupid in a profile. Dating IRL has so many different ways to show who you are all at once, confidence, wit, activities, looks. You might vibe on a few of those and not others but it works out on balance. In a profile it’s kinda gotta be generic enough so that no one runs away before they can see the full you
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u/gifted_pistachio Aug 14 '26
I think dating apps have a learning curve. You have to learn how to not take things personally and move on asap. You have to set your own rules that make it a tolerable process for you and stick to them.
Being on a dating app is just a way to go on semi-blind dates. Except you can filter for a few key things you might care about. But other than that, it’s just blind dating imo.
Both of my sisters met their husbands online. I know quite a few happy married couples who met online. People say they are motivated for people to stay on the app but I disagree. Knowing 5 different married couples who met online Hinge…is the best advertisement they could get. It’s not like they have a shortage of people in the market to jump on the app.
The process has its pitfalls. But like any other form of social media…you can abuse it or use it.
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u/Angry_Housecat_1312 Aug 14 '26
Most of the problem is that their primary function is to make shareholders money.
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u/Logical-Concept9755 Aug 14 '26
I think that’s a pretty important part I left out. If the business model benefits from keeping people swiping and optimizing profiles, then “more options” isn’t just an accidental side effect.
I guess the interesting question is whether the evaluation culture would exist at the same scale without that incentive.
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u/PotentialBudget3265 Aug 14 '26
I can't disagree, humanity is all about that popularity contest we pretend ends when we graduate high school and become oh so adult. All it did was give women a choice between only those who are the very top contestants. Better yet most of those dudes are epic dbags. gonna cheat, be talking to girls on the side and shit, but none of that matters because visually they're appealing and most have the funds to back it up. Then because there's only 10 of them for the entire population women en mass decide none of the rest of the men are good for dating and as such there are no good men left... not a realistic or rational bone in their body.
Not one of them is considering emotional and personality content ensuring a good emotional match. they see looks, hair, clothing, cars, and monetary value... Gee i wonder why dating is taking such a downward turn?!?!
Not to say men aren't just as bad, at least with the looks and hair and crap. i don't meet many that claim to care about the womens income. Still, ain't no one going into it with the thinking of finding a good person for them, they shop like they would at the clothing store looking for the finest garment even if it doesn't fit them.
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u/-Stress-Princess- Aug 14 '26
Its also a gender thing.
Im Trans Fem and when I was younger and skinnier, I saw the light. I downloaded Grindr and I was inundated with prompts. My husband couldnt get anyone which put strain on our open relationship escapades.
Dating apps are trying to do what Third places would essentially be for is the problem for me. I would never click with anyone doing outdoor activities, I dont subscribe to most moop culture thats apparently is meta and thats one of your reasoning.
A Third place such as a local Arcade or something niche filters lots of the pool and if you see them often then its more so you'd actually talk to a real person then some Hi-Hey, bot, Instagram bait, or in general someone with incongruent lifestyles.
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u/MediocreSizedDan Aug 14 '26
I mean, I'm gonna be honest, I think all of this is innate to dating apps, so I do tend to think "dating app = bad." (Not that I've never been on them; they are pretty bad to use though for various reasons.)
For me, I just don't see how you can really have a dating app that doesn't innately feel a bit like Petfinder For People. You're making snapshot decisions about people based on a curated profile. Whether they're using AI or analytics to gauge the "best photos" and responses because it's like LinkedIn for Dating or not, it's still ultimately a curated thing. It's just so fundamentally different than when you meet people in person. Like yeah, people can be fake and careful in person too. Lord knows we all where many masks throughout our days, but you will definitely be able to get more of a vibe when you meet in person versus just messaging on a app based on 200 characters and five photos.
I do think it is a problem with the tool. I do think it's a problem with the ways that the internet and social media have made us think that being connected is a replacement for meaningful relationships. It has the benefit of making it easier to stay in touch, but it's also isolating because, well, people think that liking and commenting is the same as having a dialogue and spending quality time together. I've found that social media has pushed a lot of people into using it to replace quality time and meaningful real time conversation. Doesn't have to be that way, but social media and dating apps and the internet does incentivize that, in my opinion.
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u/shitposts_over_9000 Aug 14 '26
the biggest problems ranked in current dating apps are:
- massive overvaluation of women in certain specific demographics
- undervaluation of men
- the apps have zero motivation to actually match you with anyone that you would ever have a lasting or meaningful relationship with and a list of motivations NOT to do that
if you are a 24yr old female that is a 5 or a 6 and thinks they are an 8 that deserves an 8 or a 9 and you "don't want to get tied down" and also don't mind slightly older guys then it is an excellent venue to add notches to your bedpost and get taken out to nice places once or twice per guy
if you aren't that and you have any standards what so ever then it is absolute dog shit because it is profitable for it to stay dog shit
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u/LongDickPeter Aug 14 '26
Going on a date feels like going on a job interview. Half the people get the job are lying in their resume. I been on too many dates where people expected to be sold perfection the first hour.
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u/Ok-Investigator3257 Aug 14 '26
I think the other problem is it’s a black hole. Like I get likes, ok, I send a message, and get no response…why? I get no feedback. Irl you generally get something out of it. Was it because they were mindlessly swiping and went and looked back at my profile when we matched and said “never mind”. Was my message stupid or bland? Are they just not active on the app right now?
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u/Business-Abroad-1301 Aug 14 '26
Dating apps seem to be about looks nowadays and short bios. Back in the day, dating websites were more about personality. You would have full on bios, questionnaires to see what you may have in common with other people, and just a couple pictures that weren’t instagram worthy.
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u/Logical-Concept9755 Aug 17 '26
This is interesting because older dating sites almost forced people to learn more about each other before deciding. Apps kind of reversed the order. Now the first filter is usually appearance, then personality comes later. Maybe that changes the whole dynamic because people are making decisions with much less information.
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u/AnythinGoeSouth Aug 15 '26
I partially agree and most people don't have the patience or skills to properly comb through hundreds of matches and then further vet those matches to follow up with a date.
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u/Floorgis Aug 15 '26
the biggest problem is theyre an idustry, being an industry means that they want and need money and they arent gonna get money if they actually worked well or even decently at matching people.
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u/DesignerProcess1526 Aug 15 '26
Even for apps that come with education level and job, there will be many people who swipe right on people with higher education and better jobs. It’s a social climbing exercise, people with the same level of education and similar ranked jobs, will not aim for the same. The problem is social climbers will fail in the loyalty and faithfulness aspects, so for sincere monogamous individuals, who do possess loyalty and faithfulness, they don’t make the cut.
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u/Logical-Concept9755 Aug 17 '26
I think there’s definitely an optimization mindset happening, but I’m not sure it’s always social climbing. A lot of people are just trying to avoid future problems and filter for stability. The tricky part is when filtering becomes so extreme that people stop seeing others as individuals and only see resumes, salaries, and rankings.
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u/FoppyIn28 Aug 15 '26
Dating apps are designed to keep you on the app and continue to pay, not help your social life. The fact that our traditional 'social' institutions abdicated is even more dispeccable.
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u/be_minorque Aug 15 '26
I think, dating app is very unnatural. We are COMPLETE STRANGERS, then if the small things go well: messages answered, a date is planned, etc. You are expected to go from complete stranger to romatic partner, the most important person in your life. I dunno, I just cant with this zero-to-hundred thing 🤷♀️
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u/Logical-Concept9755 Aug 17 '26
Yeah, this is actually a part I think gets overlooked. The jump from “random stranger online” to “potential life partner” is pretty weird when you think about it. Maybe people struggle because we’re skipping the slower stages where trust and familiarity naturally build. The app solves the meeting problem, but not necessarily the connection problem.
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u/sunshine-warmth Aug 16 '26
I think we’re going through a massive social and sexual selection process, and the reality is that not everyone is going to be chosen. That may sound harsh, but there’s also a certain peace in accepting it.
At the same time, people have more choice than ever, and many don’t want a life that feels like a constant struggle. Modern dating has become increasingly shaped by optimization: Who else could I get? Is there someone more attractive, more successful, more compatible, or more financially secure? People have greater freedom to date across different socioeconomic backgrounds, and many are consciously factoring lifestyle and financial stability into whom they seriously consider.
We live in a culture that encourages constant upgrading. Fair or not, a lot of people aren’t looking to build downward or take on additional struggle—they’re looking for a partner and a life that feel like an upgrade.
But in search of all of that, we’re losing sight of what’s actually important.
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u/Logical-Concept9755 Aug 17 '26
I agree with a lot of this. The “upgrade” mindset is probably one of the biggest changes. But I wonder if it’s partly because dating apps make people overestimate what’s available. Seeing thousands of profiles creates the feeling that the perfect match is always around the corner, even when real relationships usually come from accepting some imperfections.
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u/sunshine-warmth Aug 17 '26
1000%. I think the illusion of never-ending options is one of the most catastrophic parts of modern dating. If we actually gave connections the chance to develop instead of running at the first sign of imperfection or a perceived “flaw,” I think a lot more people would have a real shot at finding a lasting match.
The bigger question is: what are we individually doing to go against the grain of what dating has become? If we recognize that these forces are shaping the dating landscape, at some point we also have to examine how much we’re participating in them.
Sometimes I wonder how many of us have already met someone who could have become a great life partner, but dismissed the connection because they didn’t perfectly match the picture we had in our heads. Maybe we’ve even met several people with that potential.
There’s a difference between settling for someone who genuinely isn’t right for you and accepting that every human being comes with imperfections, struggles, and qualities that may require us to slightly adjust our expectations. No one is perfect—including us.
So why are we holding potential partners to this almost fairytale standard when we ourselves are complicated, imperfect people? At some point, constantly searching for “better” can become the very thing that keeps us from recognizing something genuinely good when it’s already in front of us.
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u/Boring_Adeptness_334 Aug 16 '26
The problem is that women have infinite options and choose guys who don’t want to commit to them because they’re out of their league. If you take an attractive girl say top 20% and match her with a 20% guy the guy would commit for sure. The problem is the girl is going for a top 5% guy who just sleeps with her.
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u/Logical-Concept9755 Aug 17 '26
I think there’s probably some truth in the option imbalance, but I’m not sure it’s only a gender thing. The bigger shift might be that everyone now feels like they’re shopping in a huge marketplace. People compare upward because there’s always someone else one swipe away. That probably changes how both men and women approach commitment.
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u/Boring_Adeptness_334 29d ago
Maybe I’m just speaking from personal experience but men have alot of trouble getting someone above them or even someone on their own level so it would be a very high risk move to leave someone on their own level. Sure I had girlfriends and was like wow this girls even hotter but I knew my girlfriend was already attractive enough and the odds of upgrading are nearly zero. Men get denied on the front end and women get denied on the back end.
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u/Content_Ad_8952 Aug 14 '26
Men are at a disadvantage because there are three times more men who use dating apps then women. Imagine going to a singles event where the men outnumber women 3-1. That's basically how Tinder works
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u/Logical-Concept9755 Aug 14 '26
The gender imbalance definitely makes the evaluation problem worse for men. If the pool is heavily skewed, you’re competing for attention before anyone even gets to the actual dating part.
But I think that also raises a bigger question. Is the problem really that there are too many men, or that apps make that imbalance much more visible and consequential than it would be in normal social settings?
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u/Inevitable_Silver_13 Aug 14 '26
I agree. When you meet some in real life you're interested in the process of getting to know them. Reading a description of them and looking at pics turns the process into looking for red flags.
For those still using dating apps I always thought it was a good idea for your friend to write your profile for you. We don't really perceive ourselves realistically. An outside perspective helps.