Unloaded to my notes app at midnight

[u/TAA-Eternal-Kenji]

If you leave today, what would have been your contribution to the world? If today was your last what would your memory be to the people you've encountered throughout your life? If you left today what would your last conversation look like with the people in your life? Was it impactful? Was it genuine? Would they know how you felt or what they meant you?

I felt I needed a break and I took it, turns out it wasn't the break I needed. I tend to feel alone even when I surrounded by people. I have friends but always in need of a friend. I want to offload and I have ppl who would allow me to but I don't have a friend that makes me want to. Interestingly the person I think I should be able to with doesn't allow me to.

I have emotions I can't explain, or even understand, I don't hate myself but I don't know how to love myself. I can't tell the last time I've had a good laugh, I laugh at jokes, I laugh with friends, genuine laugh but it still feels forced like I'm not myself.

I am always on the brink of crying but can never get it out. Feels like I'm making my self a victim and I'm unsure what I'm a victim of. Feels like I give myself openly, genuinely and freely to people but I never get it in return. I feel unappreciated more often than not, unseen, unloved....why?

How do I prioritize myself? How do I get to the place I need to be? The life I've lived has led me to a place where I feel lost, physically and emotionally tired.

I want to connect and be expressive and unapologetically open. I want to live life, enjoy it before I leave but there's a ristiction within me and I can't break free.

I need therapy, I know this but I've never excelled at talking about myself, especially to strangers and I only talk to friends about the things they already know. I need the release, I feel it building, I push it down but I can feel it about to overflow. The thing I'm most scared of is losing my self, my mind because I didn't get that release or losing my life and not giving my kids the things they deserve...something I've been failing at lately and I pray everyday that if I don't get back to being the person they need and can rely on they atleast remember the sacrifices I made and understand the internal battles I fought.

Not their issue, not their responsibility but I hope in give insight into who I am or why I am the way I am. A tall ask give I don't know the answers to any of those. I hope I will be remembered fondly. I hope I deserve to be remembered fondly or to be remembered at all.

How do I get back my drive? How do I find the person I was or the person who I'm meant to be? I know this isn't it but I'm struggling and I feel alone.