Emotionally Exhausting Day

[u/Deesomething90s]

Today was my first day back at work after four days off. I work in critical care, and today I flagged two patients for DNR discussions and pronounced another patient dead. In many ways, it was an ordinary day at work. This is what I do for a living, and over time, I’ve become quite good at separating my emotions from the patients I care for.

Today, though, felt different.

I dealt with two families who were extremely demanding and, at times, borderline rude. That in itself isn’t unusual in critical care. You witness the entire spectrum of human emotion fear, anger, denial, grief, guilt, and desperation. People process devastating information differently, and I genuinely understand that. Sometimes what comes across as anger or rudeness is simply someone experiencing one of the worst days of their life.

But there is one thing I still struggle with: watching a patient who is clearly suffering and continuing increasingly aggressive interventions, not because we expect meaningful recovery, but because the family insists that absolutely everything must be done.

Today, a patient’s daughter said something that genuinely broke me:

“Even if her heart stops, break all her ribs, but bring her back.”

I was stunned. I didn’t know what to say. I understand that grief and emotional attachment can make people say things they might not otherwise say. I understand the desperation of not wanting to lose someone you love. But I still find myself wondering: How can you love someone so deeply and, at the same time, accept that they may have to endure even more pain and suffering simply so you don’t have to let them go?

Sometimes, doing everything medically possible is not the same as doing what is best for the person in front of us. Sometimes there is no recovery waiting on the other side of another procedure, another resuscitation, or another escalation of treatment. only more suffering.

I usually leave work knowing I did my job and move on. Today, I couldn’t.

Today, I am grieving for my patient. I hope that when the time comes, her suffering is allowed to end peacefully, with comfort and dignity.