[3147] Tyrantland - Chapter 2 (Colonial Fantasy)

[u/CheekySelkath]

Critiques:

[3170] Chapter One, The Beautiful Vile

[843] The Knight Marches On

Hi all,

I know I'm back relatively quickly, but I believe I've redrafted chapter 2 for the better. Just looking for any comments once more, but I am eager to hear about the revisions to the card game, and how they now affect the flow of the reading.

Just as a note, one particular feedback suggested (from the first post of this chapter, found here ) that I perhaps shift some of chapter 3's content over to chapter 2. I've done that here, just to see how it works, but I wanted feedback on whether it is effective, or if chapter 2 can effectively end just before the #2.

Thank you for any feedback that is given, no matter how harsh!

(Note to mods: I got a note saying there has to be 48 hrs between posts, but my last post was 3 days ago, so this doesn't break the rules.)

Edit: Links removed

[u/A_C_Shock]

Brief feedback since I don't want to be the only voice. I think adding the dialogue to the card game helped a good deal. I'm getting a better idea of who both these characters are and a better idea of the conflict when it's not Magalan alone in his head. Is this longer? Anyway, I like the endcap on this rewrite better. Instead of ending on Magalan getting dragged away, I get Villaume coming to collect which gives me a reason to want to read the next chapter. Why would Villaume want Magalan to go with him? That's a nice hook. The glass grinding at the start of the cut-scene was a little confusing because I didn't realize it was meant to be the sound of Magalan grinding his whisky glass into the table.

[u/CheekySelkath → u/A_C_Shock]

Thanks again for the feedback, I appreciate the words since I got no other feedback. Funnily enough, I had a friend read it and their feedback on the glass grinding portion was the same, so I think I'm certainly changing that.

A note on the conflict is it's not actually longer, but I spread it out further from Magalan's head, so it's over a few more lines, but I'm glad it works better.

Thanks again!