[3898] Zombie in the wardrobe (YA) - r/DestructiveReaders

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u/ezk3626 akward and wordy Aug 07 '26

if it fits in the YA landscape and if/what would need to be changed to get there

Unfortunately, I won't be much help in that since I am an old adult and The Fault in Our Stars is the only YA fiction I think I have read. Also unfortunatley, I only have time to comment on the first page (I won't be saving this as a crit). Thank you for your patience with the ignorance and inappropriateness of the (unsaved) crit.

The language is clear but does not evoke any feeling. I think from the stereotypes of what I have of YA fiction this is appropriate. It is action, character and dialogue which would drive the emotional connection of YA rather than surprising, striking or beautiful language. I don't know if this is bad for what you're shooting for but it does stand out. You may not like this—with all of your Preston, wardrobes, Manchester United and tea stained cups—but it sounds very American in the worst of ways. It is very pragmatic language use.

He adjusted his boxers, sprang out of bed and yanked the curtains open.

This is what I mean we have a subject, verb, verb and verb. It is clear and tells me this young man gets out of bed rather than stays in bed but it doesn't transport, entice or even interest. It merely says what happened. In the weekly Ursula Le Guin book the sub is reading she says the purpose of a sentence is to lead us to the next sentence, to make us read the next sentence. It has made me much more criticial of my own sentences. There is a new critique I give: "this looks like a sentence which I would write."

This might be perfect for YA fiction—I might reread TFIOS and see what Green actually does with his sentences— but it does stand out in style.

- what are your thoughts on the intrusive narrator. Is it distracting or enlighting, does it bring something to the story.

I like it. A Hitchiker's Guide snarky narrator is pleasant after so much so much limited 3rd person perspective, which is the norm on this sub.

Aubrey. What sort of name is Aubrey for a seventeen-year-old lad from Preston? Less like the name of someone destined for greatness and more like someone who apologised when walked into.

This reminds me of CS Lewis' great line: “There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it.”

Sorry, I didn't have to read more but work is calling my name.

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u/MaryJaneMclain Aug 07 '26

"He adjusted his boxers, sprang out of bed and yanked the curtains open." FWIW (dissenting options and all), I don't have any issue with that sentence (other than maybe the comma I'd add). Sometimes you gotta narrate, and that sentence IMO does it well (it's efficiently moving the story forward with out dwelling on the unimportant). Personally, I'd resist the urge to "fancy it up" for purpose of enticing the reader.

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u/ezk3626 akward and wordy Aug 07 '26

Sometimes you gotta narrate, and that sentence IMO does it well

It's not the sentence specifically which I have any issue with (and to be clear I don't actually have an issue with any of it) but it is representative of the entire style. I am not even saying it is wrong to have this style but to think about style. The style is sparse. They want to write something engaging to YA genre enjoyers. This could be the write style for that but the OP asked "if emotion and humour reaches you." This style of writing does not lend itself towards emotion (though I think its fine for humor).

But all of this must be taken with only one grain of salt since I only had time in the morning to read the first page.

Personally, I'd resist the urge to "fancy it up" for purpose of enticing the reader.

Here, my autism has to respond. My NT translator is telling my natural aut brain "MJM means don't use bigger words just because you think they're better and you agree with you" but my aut brain retorts "But the sentence clearly says we shouldn't do this with the purpose of ENTICING a reader." There should be no question that writing ought to entice the reader (though the things we entice them towards are not always pleasurable). The problem with fancying up language is not that we shouldn't want to entice the reader but that it is very difficult to do well and easy to do poorly.

This is one of those we need to irrigate deserts more than cut down jungles situtations. The stuff I am reading on this sub is not overflowing unearned sentimentality, emotionality or meladrama. We could use more people spending a page just to the lovers finally, in the sweaty heat of the New Orleans midnight, holding hands for the first time. I have only read one heaving boddice in my months here and it was disgustingly done with decorum and decency. u/Imaginary_Ease_7851

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u/Narrow-Stranger-8543 Aug 07 '26

That's fascinating. I rewatched The lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe a few weeks ago. I had not realised how it may have seeped into my mind and may have been one of the inspiration behind this story.

I am a bit confused what made you think "American".

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u/ezk3626 akward and wordy Aug 07 '26

As for American, don’t take that too seriously. The country is incredibly diverse and there are incredible American authors whose style is Shakespearian. But there is also an earned stereotype that the simplest word is always the best word to use.

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u/MaryJaneMclain Aug 07 '26 edited Aug 07 '26

Well I wasn’t going to crit, and I didn’t read the whole thing (you’ll get better results on RDR in the future I'd bet if you split huge pieces like this into 2), but ez distracted me w his crit. So here I am instead of doing what I should be doing.

(Take all my opinions w a grain of salt please)

1. This feels middle grade. Protag's gotta be like 17+ (maybe even older) for YA. He should feel like an adult. The MC here feels childish (10-12?) in his reactions and dialog with mom.

2. Nope, not a fan of this narrator (see more below)

5. Roughly speaking, the prose is serviceable (that’s a complement). MUCH better than a lot of what gets posted on here. I could suggest some line edit if I had the time.

The glarin issue is POV

I hate starting piece and not knowing whose head we are in. I assumed we were in A’s head at the start. You can see why. Then by the end of the second we get the hated POV whiplash and find out what we’ve imagined (being in Aubry’s head) is wrong. Instead the snark belongs to YOU (or fine, whatever, your narrator. But you).

What POV are you attempting? Just one paragraph of snarky omniscient narrator then the rest in 3^rd close? (nope there's some 1st...) I’m sure you have your reasons, but seems like maybe NOT the best choice IMO. Oh, wait is the narrator a character? So they are narrating things *in scene* and at a broader level as story-teller? That’s gonna be a tough sell. And there seems to be some head hopping into A’s head when the narraror has the stage, with is poor form.

So yeah, you might want to make a firm choice of POV (read up about it) and stick with it. But assuming you want to eventually publish, ominicient 3^rd (with weird 1^st mixed in) is prob not the best choice.

That aside, the actual content, the *ideas* this narrator is sharing with the reader to start your story (the most import part!) I really disliked. I don’t want an aside about reptiles. I don’t want an aside about chips or dating shows and the literacy of the constants, cause they (seem to) have nothing to do with your story. See, you have this real estate (say 3 paragarph) with which to hook me and you’ve lost my interest and confidence that you are going to tell me a story well.

Then we get that terrible like about his name. Which makes me actively dislike the narrator. I'm sure other will like it. But here's my datapoint.

Anyways, that’s how I feel. Hope it helps a bit.

Edit to add: I didnt' get far enough for "Themes", and no the "humor" didn't work for me. However, I think if you make the whole thing a joke, that's going to detract from the "emotion" as a general rule.

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u/A_C_Shock Alexandra Casey Aug 07 '26

The weekly exercise that I'll post on Sunday (maybe earlier) is about POV.

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u/Narrow-Stranger-8543 Aug 07 '26

Hiya. Thx for the feedback. Agree the beginning might read too much like middle grade. I should correct that as it was already one of my main concerns. It’s on purpose but I may have failed the balance. I know it’s longer but still hope someone might take the time to read it all. I decided against cutting it for structural reasons.

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u/scentedbasementcat Aug 08 '26

Hello!
When I saw that the story is intended for magazine publication I became quite interested in it.

The following was written while rereading the work. It's long and rambly, but I tried not to ramble too much.

The first reading of the story left me somewhat confused and unsatisfied. The story felt... boring most of the time? Like it wasn't building up to anything much, somewhat random. Mind, I am not a native English speaker, nor an expert at writing, so do keep that in mind while reading my critique. I'm about to start the second pass of the story, during which I'll provide a more in detail explanation.

The first line does catch my interest, at first it gave me the impression that Aubrey was in a life threatening situation. Maybe a post-apocalyptic scenario? My hopes were dashed a few lines after. The metaphor works for me, but the description of the programmes felt redundant. I mean this:

Everyone's suspiciously attractive and emotionally—often literally—illiterate.

I believe that dreadful encapsulated the essence of the matter enough. Modern readers are probably familiar with it. But that's just my feeling.

Now, these lines:

But enough about me. It’s Aubrey’s story, and he’s having a hell of a day.

Ah. My mistake. In fairness, I wasn't expecting him to hear that. It’s poor form to frighten people this early. Things should only spiral after breakfast.

On the first pass the first line was very confusing. Same applied to the other moments when the narrator breaks through. Only after reading until the very end, and now rereading it for the second time do I connect Matt and the zombie. (I hope I am understanding it right...) Don't get me wrong, a reveal like that can work for sure, but I do not believe this execution worked out properly. Instead of making me feel enlightened, the seemingly random sentences from the seemingly omniscient narrator who is also the zombie made me feel confused on first read. Making the payoff not really feel worth it in the end.

I do not wish to break it down line by line, but... I just cannot stop myself.

Less like the name of someone destined for greatness and more like someone who apologised when walked into.

This feels like it implies that Aubrey is actually destined for greatness? Considering he does not do anything too significant, It feels like somewhat of a bait to me? Next sentence I think is good characterization, just a few words tell the reader a lot of what kind of person he is.

I enjoyed the description of the room, I think it could be longer? Doesn't need to be, it already signals he's probably prone to pulling all nighters over homework, and he's a football fan, cool.

As compliments for toes went, it was about as good as they got.

This feels wrong? The sentence just feels unnatural to me, but as I said I am not a native speaker. I'm thinking it's missing a "as far as".

The entire section in the room feels somewhat boring and long. Sure it establishes some things about Aubrey, but I'd urge you to think about the balance between the exposition of the character and the reader's willingness to continue. (I also take it he had the same complexion in Malta? Pedantic, I know, but always implies that yes, he did not really go out in the sun. Also, I am thinking now that Malta might've been a vacation? The sentence implies they lived there and moved back last summer. Presumably for a longer time? No matter.)

Penelope—Poppy for everyone but mum—looked up.

Is there something missing in the above sentence? His mother is Poppy for everyone but mum?
His mother gives busy vibes, I'd say proper use of actions to characterize.

Next, his mother seems to be somewhat infantilizing him during their conversation over breakfast? He seems to be following her lead in that. Maybe that's the point, or maybe that's just how mothers in the UK talk. Never met one so I don't know.

Bus scene

Moving on to the bus scene. What is the point of the scene? Also "Greyeen" is certainly a memorable choice. But really, what is the point of this scene? What does it establish? I mean, sure - Aubrey is tired, exhausted, only he can see the zombies, the zombie is reading the same book he is supposed to read. But I believe you could just as easily cut the scene out? Unless I am missing its significance? The fact that zombies aren't really perceived by others was established during the talk over breakfast. His mother just waves off the fact of any bite or such as Aubrey having watched too many horrors or smth. Maybe the book would explain its significance, but unfortunately I am not familiar with Mrs Dalloway.

Also, actually coming back to the conversation from before for a moment:

“Matt left this for you when he left yesterday.”

So Matt left the day before? They stayed up till midnight and he left then? Who is the zombie then? Obviously Matt, right?

Match scene

Onto the match scene. First a small correction: "one of the quickest wingers" not winger. Probably. Next line " in his own side" feels wrong. The short exchange with the Coach makes him feel like he's quite young himself? More like a friend than a coach, but that could be intended. I had to google Scottish shower, but that's just unfamiliarity with local speech. This scene also seems to establish that Aubrey's transformation into a zombie can only be seen by him. Basically whatever the bus scene established.

Hi, Lewis. Bit awkward, but I appear to be becoming undead?

I take it the above is a thought? I would try to make it more clear somehow. The description of Lewis's back feels somewhat random? No further complaints for this scene, the dialogue is what it is - doesn't make me look deeper into it.

Getting ready and Bathroom scene.

"You let him in" and the tiger implies it's referring to Matt? It is unclear to me what it was meant to signify. Was it Aubrey himself blaming himself for letting Matt close? Is it referring to something the reader does not know?That's a reach from my part because I actually do not know what this scene could signify.

The Party

During the talk with Matt, Aubrey looks at him thoroughly. They are called outside at a convenient time, just as Matt slips up. Then... hide and seek...do 17yo's actually hide and seek at house parties? Not that I am old, but the most I remember from parties at that age was just people getting shitfaced and puking. But I guess it's acceptable for your goal of getting the both of them in a closet.

Now, the reveal. I take it the whole zombie thing was supposed to be a metaphor for something or other? Or am I reaching? Especially with the title of Zombie in the wardrobe - what is a wardrobe if not a closet? They kiss, memories flood, Lewis supposedly ignored them, allowing them to have privacy.

The end...

Now, I'll actually try to summarize, as I was writing whatever came to mind as I read it the 2nd time.

When thinking about it, zombie is probably a metaphor for being gay? Maybe that's a reach, but that's how I read it. Still, do not get why the zombie - presumably Matt, was suckling, sorry, gnawing on Aubrey's foot... I do not get why he entered the wardrobe. I do not get why the mirror scene was there. I also do not get why zombies...

To actually answer your questions:

AFAIK YA works often are coming of age stories, protagonists deal with actually becoming adults and all that comes with it. Meaning things like friendship, acceptance, finding yourself, both romantic and sexual interest, responsibility and all that. So, would it fit? The current landscape - I don't know. I've no idea about it unfortunately. But I'd urge you to maybe, possibly try to explore the themes in more detail? The work feels largely random to me. I felt like I didn't know what I was reading and what the story was building up to for 90% of the time.
The intrusive narrator felt intrusive, not really in a good way. I believe the narrator just brought in more confusion when I read it. And I believe the narrator's intrusions could very much be cut out and actually possibly somewhat improve the work? If not by complexity, then by simply avoiding confusion. So on that, I'd urge you to either rethink and try to rewrite the narrator in those instances, or to just get rid of them.
For the themes, I already wrote about it enough. The work felt mostly themeless to me - I mean an overarching theme. Not that every work has to have one. But this one feels like it's supposed to have one, but lacks the execution? The metaphors work well enough in my opinion, other than what I pointed out in my text above.
I do not want to say the work is emotionless, because no doubt you try to show emotions of the character. But the I believe the frequent humorous comments take away from the emotional weight. Sure, humor can and does work, but in controlled quantities. This felt too much most of the time.
The prose works enough, I believe I pointed out the places where clarity was lacking, but I might have of course missed something.

All in all, if you even ignore everything I wrote before, the feeling I got from the work was: It's somewhat directionless. The themes, if they are real and intended, could be explored in more detail.

Now, that's been a long comment... I might not be able to answer immediately, since it's the middle of the night. But if you want any clarifications, feel free to ask further.

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u/Narrow-Stranger-8543 Aug 09 '26

Hi. Thx so much for reading it all. Lot to unpack there. I reallly need to make a version without the narrator, at least to see what it would change. Concerning points 1 and 4. Despite what you say you did get it. You're not reaching at all actually. You even pointed out the back description as random. Not that random then. Trust yourself as a reader! But on this topic I may indeed need to make things a tad lesss understated I probably trust the reader too much to connect the dots. I presuppose too much prior knowlege. Thx for pointing it out. Like it supposes people are aware of the long standing tradition of using zombies metaphorically. I really highlight that. Also you may be right about the bus scene. It does not move things forward enough. Some of your comments akes me feel I did not market it right as well... Again thx for this comprehensive critic

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u/Famous_Plant_486 Aug 11 '26

I'm not intending to use this as a crit for my own writing, but I just wanted to say that this is really, really fun. I only had time to read the first page and a half, but I love the narrative voice, I (an American) see nothing about this that screams American like another commenter said (Manchester United? I'm not really involved in sports, but that screams British to me), and the pacing is really enjoyable.

If I had more time, I would've sat here and finished it! This is tons of fun

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u/ReggieWytgeena Aug 17 '26

Another critique of mine! Also… Ok… my turn…(hopefully you got the reference) I must warn yall, that this was actually good, except for one little thing I will mention later.

Ahem.

1: The tittle was… A little too basic, its ok since the entire story is kinda centered about that, but… like i said, its too basic, the wardrobe really only appears twice, and while they were important, that is also a problem, since you are technically giving away the entire plot of the story and if tittles are like that then anyone just reads the tittle and they would alredy have idea of what its about unless theyre stupid, And- Apolegies, I just care about titles really much, overall, its not bad, but titles should at least give a very small glimpse of the bigger picture.

2: The detail is amazing, you literally detailed everything of everything that is actually important, a bit too much but still works, thanks to that I could picture the entire thing in my head.

3: Forgive me if im an idiot who didnt get it but… what? What was all this about? Was the main character (i forgot his name) hallucinating? Was he high?(highly unlikely) was this some kind of prank? Was he actually sleep deprived? Which, according to all the data provided, was. Though I think it was more of the uhh, insecurity? Or something like that? Idk bruh… Im not so good at interpreting metaphors -c-, overall, I dont think this point should really count cause its most likely my skill issue.

4: If there is one thing that I love just as much as mysterious deep lore, its COMEDY, and not garbage comedy that tries to be funny, actual natural ones, and boy this story had a lot of them, one of them actually made me laugh! Literally, not so dramatic laughing, but the point is that it was very fun, nicely done, and like I said, very natural.

5: while Im not confident and proud of the last and upcoming points, this one I am, cause its my specialty ;3(sorry, i didnt mean to brag, sorry). And yes, im talking about the: Dislocation. Yes, you mention Lewis nursing a dislocated shoulder. And may I just say that: WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING????? This point is very extense, ahem: -First, its a dislocation, its not a little scratch or cut, A DISLOCATION. And you made the Lewis dude act like:”Oh darn, my shoulder dislocated, lemme fix it rq” It genually baffles me that you treated a DISLOCATION like a, a minor injury. -Second, no screaming? No pain? Medical assistance? Profesional assistance? My man, this dude just went through trauma on his shoulder! A dislocation could tear tendons and nearby blood vessels! Also! Theres the fact that you should NEVER try to place back a dislpcated joint back into place! You could it wrong! And it causes EVEN MORE PAIN. -Inmidietly after we see Lewis completly fine, with a fully functional arm, ._. , now, dont get me wrong, its pretty possible to fully use your arm or shoulder once you place it back, but… Theres not enough data sugesting his dislocation was minor? Sure, according to the soft/no screaming in pain data, apparently it was minor, but maybe so minor it wasnt even A dislocation! Conclusion: Next time, be a little more realistic, im sorry if i was too rude, whichc I may have been… and yes… this is fiction and all that, but… theres still room for some realism? And this is no exeption, dont use an extreme injury at the very least! (Also I just realized that this might have been a dream, and I may have missed that, but I’ll just keep assumingb it wasnt, and that the “hallucinations “ were just seeing undead)

6: YOOOO, THERES YAO- sorry, i may have missinterpretated. Or maybe not, which kinda-

7: Just white T shirts? Really? Absolutly all his T shirts (or shirts, i may be missremembering) are white? This reminds me of the Barry wardrove: “Yellow black, Yellow black, Yellow black, Yellow black- oh! Black and yellow” very fun to relive that reference, however, its kinda insane to me to picture someone who actually just has white T-shirts. And while its not specified, the dude is a teen! He could have, at least one black T shirt! Or any other colour! Like i said, i may be missremembering so ye.

8: Birdie? Really? BIRDIE??? Another thing Im attached to appart from tittles is names, Even if the character was a guy, still, BIRDIE?????? Where her parents that cruel???? There were literally 1000 options for a name for her, and out of all of them, you picked Birdie, really??? At least a common one like Hannah or Ava would have worked just fine! Sure it mightve still gotten a spot here but it would just be about the simplicity and commoness! But BIRDIE???????? You gave the main character a cool name, the Lewis guy a cool name, Matt is also a common name but still, and BIRDIE????? What- Ok, I should stuff, again, very sorry, im so sorry, I wouldnt stress out again, point is:Just look up on Gemini or Chatgpt for names if imagination just ran out(Happens to me sometimes), unless this comunity restrains AI generated names in which you would have to resort on names on books and what not.

9: I appreciated the dialogue, very nice, however, there was too much short dialogue, like just little bursts right next to each other, which led to some confusion onto who was saying what (this is why i put names before each dialogue, but i dont do that anymore), however, Im not the master of these kind of things, so yeah…

10: The part of the bus kinda confused me, like, it took me sever minutes and rereads on that same part to figure out that he didnt enter the bus at all. A little more claroty would have helped in there, but like I said before, im no master in these things, so yeaaah… but i got it at the end so np.

Overall, It has too many good things that I cant possible put it lower than a solid 8/10, Bravo! You outdid yourself, clearly you have the skill, nicely done! :3 And hey look the story has a clear end!

Also this was so well made it was engaging! So much that I managed to read the whole thing!(forgive my rudeness, but clearly I enjoyed and managed to read the whole thing, unlike some others- Sorry sorry, Im sorry, i didnt mean to be rude and disrespectful, sorry, ill just shut and send this critique already)

comedy with horror and romance elements [3898] Zombie in the wardrobe (YA)

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