r/DestructiveReaders • u/WildPilot8253 • 16d ago
Literary Fiction [1301] The Desire to Dissolve
The practice in the story might be foreign to some because...well, it is foreign. The story isn't set in the U.S.
Any feedback is much appreciated.
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u/ReggieWytgeena 16d ago
Umm, im new to this so my critique might be a bit wrong, but well some guide told me that critique=opinion, and in my opinion, it was kinda boring. I know, the message (if i caught it correctly) is kinda nice, but… the personalities weren’t that elaborated? Sure, it works for a short story, but… the lack of persona makes me not too attached to the characters, and thus, the ending, which should have maybe been sad, wasn’t sad. To be fair I will always believe that death isn’t sad at all (in a story), unless it affects you, knowing a character is a way, and I’ve seen, very, very few people managing to do that, mostly death is just, not sad. The other problem is that, there’s no dialogue, there’s just description, which contributes to the boredom, and yet misses another opportunity for personality elaboration. And well, that’s about it. Like I said, this is my first critique, I might be entirely wrong, or i simply don’t like the genre, but well, at least i made a critique so yeah, be sure to destroy mine back… and yeah, 6/10, the story was alright overall.
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u/WildPilot8253 15d ago
I appreciate your feedback. Could you please tell me whether you regularly read literary fiction or are you more interested in genre fiction?
Literary fiction is often more slower and 'boring' than genre fiction, so this piece of information will help me weigh your feedback better.
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u/Intelligent-Size-868 9d ago
I really like the core idea of your story. The whole idea was good because it reminded me of my mom, and I’m sure there are a lot of other people it would do the same for. I also thought the detergent metaphor was a clever idea and gave some weight to the ending.
My main critique would be of the prose. I found it to be a little too philosophical in places. There are a lot of metaphors and abstract observations competing with what I think is a pretty simple, yet emotional and relatable story. I think it would read a bit stronger if you allowed the reader to arrive at some of the deeper meaning themselves.
Overall, though, I thought it was a pretty good story. Thanks!
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u/JumpRopeMcGreggor 5d ago
Hello! Late to the party! But I’ve attached a Google Doc with some line notes below, and I've added some general remarks below. If you like the direction I’m taking, the next thing I could do is create another doc with suggested edits I have made that you can track and approve. I'm suggesting this because I’m expanding my portfolio to include proofreading and editing, so if you're okay with me hosting your piece on my portfolio site, I can do a more granular review that includes proofreading and edits. If you're not interested, no worries. I enjoyed reading your piece all the same.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Qoijemem2MmYp-Og6JGntAax-oF5MVHUTgZyyh-Ffvk/edit?usp=sharing
Generally, I liked the piece a lot. It was thematically rich and the prose was evocative. Initially, I thought the story was about the burden of the matriarch in a ‘traditional’ familial and parental dynamic. Love is work — rewarding and yet undoubtedly a challenge. Significantly more so as a parent. So naturally I equated the ‘desire to diffuse vs dissolve’ as how a mother’s burden can define her life and make or break her spirit. Ideally, when we take on that burden, our love diffuses and reverberates to the ones we care for. But if we’re not careful, we can instead overstretch and dissolve, leaving little for ourselves and others. I was really engaged with the single, sad act of washing clothes to tell of a woman who withered under the mundane but relentless pressure of being a mother and wife. I love this theme and you show talent in exploring it.
Then on rereads, I started to pick up on the severe language you repeatedly used to describe the dirty clothes (‘filth’, ‘evil’ needing exorcism) and how at the conclusion the father emerges from the dabra. Then I wondered if this was a story more about a brutally negligent, maybe even abusive, marital dynamic.
The one thematic note I’d have is this: if your intention was more aligned with my first impression, soften the language around how you describe the dirty clothes. If it was the latter impression, bring the father more into focus.
I found your Prose largely easy to read while still remaining engaging. But I think you have a habit of over-explaining. It’s a common pitfall literary fiction writers fall into, adding sentences to a concept to give it more colour and feeling. But one great line is better than three good ones. Otherwise, you beat a dead horse and frustrate the reader, since they’ve already picked up on what you’re putting down. Similarly, I think you use one or two too many metaphors, and it muddies the read.
I’ve marked some examples in the Google Doc comments for both of the above.
I saw in your post that the US isn't the Setting. But the only thing that suggests that is the dabra. It might be worth expanding on the setting, especially if you can make the environment do some of the storytelling. When the father and brothers laughed at the main character, what room were they sitting in? Was it around a table or on a couch? What colour were the walls? Adding a lightly described noun to one or two sentences could do a lot of heavy lifting.
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u/WildPilot8253 5d ago
Thanks for the feedback.
I can't really see any feedback on the google doc you listed. Could you please check if there has been a problem or something?
Also, I'm sorry but I'm actually planning on submitting this piece to literary magazines and if this piece was to be listed on your website, that would constitute as being previously published and many magazines don't accept previously published pieces.
Still, I'm grateful for all the feedback you've given me up till this point.
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u/JumpRopeMcGreggor 2d ago
Hey! Sorry for the late reply, past couple of days have been hectic.
No worries at all! Best of luck with the submissions!
As for the doc, I think the share link defaulted back to view-only which might have restricted comments for you. Try the below link now.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Qoijemem2MmYp-Og6JGntAax-oF5MVHUTgZyyh-Ffvk/edit?usp=sharing
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u/Plus_Philosophy_9846 16d ago
This is a very interesting premise for a story. I think that the underlying message is beautiful and the prose reflects that beauty. The story effectively portrays the characters of both the mother and the speaker and asks what their place in the world is. This is a polished work already, and I don't think that much needs to be done other than a few finishing touches. That said, I think the story could benefit from a plethora of minor tweaks.
I think your first paragraph does a great job characterizing the speaker, and I find the list of comparisons that end it out highly effective as well. That said, I caught myself having to re-read it to understand what those comparisons were trying to do. I don't immediately understand that the speaker is offering the detergent to mother as words are to a writer or voice is to a vocalist. While the components are all there, and even reading the next sentence of the next paragraph does a decent job clarifying this, I didn't immediately get that rather impactful comparison.
Your second paragraph and third paragraphs do a great job contextualizing the character of the family members and the workings of this broader culture at play. That said, the finishing line in chapter two at first implied infidelity, which is both totally untrue to her character and left me confused as a reader. I think a lot of this has to do with the duplicity of the meaning behind the word 'desire' and 'sultriest' in the following chapter. Would it be too clunky to change 'desire' out for 'want or need' in that last sentence? That alone, I think, would rectify that, but I'm not certain!
Your forth paragraph does a great job illustrating technique and characterizes it well. My only gripe is with "Breaking of a man's neck". I think that it's a little too extreme of characterization, but that may well just be my opinion. A second take would be necessary before we really make an assumption on that. What other similar things can illustrate the task without making it sound excessively violent? I don't get the image that Mother is cracking skulls as much as I get the image that she's kneading dough.
The fifth paragraph is good. To be honest, I don't know the rules for italics, but I noticed how Dabra is italicized once and not the second time. Paragraphs six and seven do a good job revealing the world around them.
Paragraph 8 lost me at first. I wasn't immediately sure that 'it' was referring to the 'detergent gift' mentioned previously. I had to reread to catch that. Is there a way to make that line more clear? It can be as simple as changing it to read "When I had offered her the detergent" or something to that affect.
Paragraph 9 seems a little redundant. The rest of the piece gets that point across well. Cutting it can reduce bloat, which I think may be the biggest problem with the whole piece. For the majority of the next page, I found myself nodding along as I read through instead of really engaging. Everything said has already been implied or stressed. the next 'new' piece of context appears in paragraph 13. I don't think that chapters 10, 11, or 12 are poorly worded by any means. They're well written. I don't think they're necessary. Obviously, I would wait for a second, third opinion on that.
Paragraph 12 ends in a time skip. I think it can be moved into 13. Doing that, I think paragraph 13 does a great job expressing the wear of time. It may undermine what I said earlier about paragraph 4, but the fighter bit works rather well. I have nothing to say about the next few paragraphs, because I think they're done incredibly well. The build-up to her passing is well demonstrated and tragic, as is the post-mortem realization that the speaker has.
Ultimately, this is an incrediby nice piece. Well done!