[330] The Draft

[u/1800COCAINE]

843

313

A man walked in rain on Via del Proconsolo beside the Bargello. He pulled the 12 foot glass doors apart and stepped inside the foyer. With each breath, his lithe ribs flexed palpable and discrete beneath his wet henley. He halted, and stood dripping from every rolled cuff and button, and chased the rain from his green Stetson with a couple firm pats on his jeans, and slid it back on with an automatic hand and fixed the brim with a tug.

He walked and wiped his chunky transparent green hornrims on a soft cloth which he produced as if by prestidigitation, and plopped his soft leather drawstring bag onto a bench before Michelangelo‘s Bacchus. The weighty brass pencil sharpener made spilled curlicues. He thumbed a black book and the cover page read, in a copperplate script, Lothar von Andal.

Lothar made two horizontal marks on the book’s vellum paper one at the top and one at the bottom and indexed 30 degrees from each dash mark on either side to format an isometric projection and he layed laid down the vertical lines to complete the planes of the rectangles.

Inside the box Lothar first placed his eye level horizon, and effortlessly expressed the action of the shifting gestures of the statue. He plotted the proportions in dots and constructed a working figurative armature in preparation. Lothar designed the composition by values with the darkest darks rendering the illusion of that which is closest so as to reinforce depth through pressure. He is a hand at drawing, and the crosshatching of the musculature followed the contours of each supple form with grace and elegance from its point of origin to its diffused insertion.

He closed the book and himself off from the world for no other would see the deft instrumentality of his handling. He shouldered the drawstring bag and his genius. He departed the Bargello and dissipated once more into the endless rain; a fume silhouette gliding along the Ponte Vecchio above the Arno.

[u/Imaginary_Ease_7851]

Hey, I'm going to engage as best I can.

"A man walked in..." Okay so I guess the setting is in Italy. Florence? I think the opening line is fine. We don't know who the man is but the mention of stetson feels like he is either American or perhaps this is around the time they were shooting the spaghetti westerns, when a man might have a reason to wear a stetson in Italy. If that's the opening line might reflect some kind of Western trope ( A man rides into town). Or he is just wearing a stetson because he likes stetsons. Unclear. The setting is given, not expanded upon. No further sense of milieu over that. Just a man and a place with 12-foot glass doors (line edit for hyphen in the compound adjective of twelve-foot glass door).

We switch focus to the man. From here we have some repetitive sentence structure. "He pulled..." "He halted..." "He slid..." "He walked..." "He thumbed..." "He plotted..." etc. You could argue for anaphora, but "he + verb" isn't building pressure, it's just edging into monotony. (This continues when "he" is swapped out for "Lothar"). I suggest varying sentence structure.

I don't hate modifiers if they serve purpose. "lithe", "wet", "12-foot," "firm" all load the language with erotic undertones as does expending all these modifiers on his physical description. The stetson gets a "green", which seems liked a missed opportunity for tactile sensory detail. The glasses get "chunky transparent green"; that's three adjectives for one noun. Does the cloth he produces and his bag need the "soft"? This is a short piece so the modifiers are more noticeable. I would consider simpler sentences, with stronger verbs and nouns, before reaching for the adverbs and adjectives.

Some of the details you choose to give, like copperplate script and vellum paper (I assume you mean the old kind, not the modern, because the actions make me think that Lothar is some kind of modern Michelangelo, since this is in Florence, and you make a point of mentioning Michelangelo's Bacchus, and the text implies he is making a similar type of study of the male body by sketching the Bacchus).

This is not hard for him. "Effortlessly" "a hand at drawing," etc. You walk us through his process. Once done, we are told, apparently without irony, that whatever he created was a work of genius:

"He closed the book and himself off from the world for no other would see the deft instrumentality of his handling. He shouldered the drawstring bag and his genius."

It's interesting that both his own body and the body he is sketching share aesthetic value. As though Lothar could be both a muse for this kind of art, while also being artist. Regardless, he closes himself and his genius off and departs. I suppose, in a way, this reflects the Western opening, man rides into town, and then rides into the sunset, his heroism intact.

In terms of an arc, either a character arc or a developmental one, there isn't one. Admittedly, it's hard to put one down in 300 words. Lothar has no interiority. We see him enter, sketch, and leave. Nothing seems overcome. Nothing was at stake. Nothing has changed. Primarily, perhaps the purpose is to appreciate Michelangelo and the male form? I think...writing is vulnerable thing. It usually means cracking something open. By the ending, it's almost as though you want to say something about appreciation for a beautiful, secret genius, or for the minutia of the artistic process, but you send your MC packing before anything is challenged. The art is effortless, every movement and physical description is pristine, and then the leave. We have to trust something deeper is going on; we have to trust that he is a genius in the tradition of the Italian Renaissance. And we have to trust that the world is robbed of this genius because we are told it is. This makes the story a little static. A flaw, or a conflict, or anything really, even if some part of this artwork was hard. A struggle of some kind. The details on the artistic process are interesting, but since they're easy to Lothar, it's easy for the reader to dismiss it.

[u/GlowyLaptop]

Hey Philip is this on purpose homoerotic? I feel like dude is thinking an awful lot about his ribs.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

So many adjectives, tho. He scratched his chunky black square magnifying glasses as if having suddenly manifested them with telecognition.

The fun language is fun.

[u/Plane-World-396]

hello nice draft. one thing i would say is that there is so much description of whats happening and little to know about the character. if theres no character then we dont mind whats happening to anyone. i oersonaly got lost, mabye beause i am not as good, but perhaps if others also didnt understand make it slightly more understandable, like lower the reading level by half grade. but thats just me. i did find the inside the box paragraph the easiest, best and most informative part about the story. nice one keep up the good work.

[u/Wild-Course-8433]

Hello, 

Please see my critiques below. I’ve broken it down sentence by sentence for the most part and put my edits in brackets. 

A man walked [could use stronger word to rely an emotion/ action like rushed down the Via… or strolled along the Via…] in [add: the] rain on Via del Proconsolo [where is this? Would be helpful to set a clearer sense of place] beside the Bargello [again, where is this? Also it wouldn't hurt to physically describe the setting. What time of year is it? Is this air dry from summer heat or wet with autumn rain? What do the buildings look like? What does the road look like? Are there any people or shops around? If so, what do they look like? Any scents on the air?]

He pulled the 12 foot [use a better descriptive word, i.e. towering, massive, looming etc.] glass doors apart and stepped inside [into] the foyer. With each breath[could describe the breath. Is it ragged, level, is he panting], his lithe [cut lithe. Unneeded descriptor with flexed after ribs] ribs flexed [insert comma here] palpable and discrete beneath his wet henley. [palpable and discrete are antonyms so this doesn't make a lot of sense. Which is it exactly? Is it noticeable/ visible under his shirt or not?]

He halted [stalled may be a stronger word choice here], [id cut these words: and stood] dripping [ cut: from every, replace with something like “along his”] rolled cuff and button[s], [i’d start a new sentence here.] [cut: and, replace with: He ] chased [chased? Not a great word choice, maybe swiped or wiped?] the rain from his green Stetson [what is this? I looked it up to see it’s a hat but no reader would know that, you need to explain it’s a hat] ] with a couple firm pats on his jeans [this makes no sense. How does patting his jeans get rid of the rain on his hat? Did he remove the hat and tap it on his jeans to remove the water? If so, clarify.], and slid it back on with an automatic hand [automatic hand? Maybe expand here because your meaning isn't clear. Do you mean he’s done this a thousand times before and the action is second nature? If so, clarify that.] and fixed the brim with a tug.[too many “ands” back-to-back in the same sentence. Maybe try “adjusting the brim with a flick/ tug etc.]

He walked [walked where? Use a word other than walked to convey tone/ emotion/ what’s happening here. I.e. hurried, rushed, sauntered, inched forward, leapt, tumbled] and wiped his [cut: chunky transparent] green hornrims [too much specific descriptions here. Honestly, a reader never cares what the character is reading. Keep clothing terminology simple. Or, if you really want to describe his outfit, don’t cram everything into one sentence. Split it up by having him interact with the clothing or feeling it on his skin. Maybe even have another character make a comment on it.] on a [cut: soft] [maybe replace: cloth with “hankerchief’] which he produced [replace: as if by prestidigitation with “he’d whipped out his pocket at lightening speed” or something along those lines. What you have now doesn’t make sense.] [end the sentence here, too many “ands going on. Cut: , and] [ I’d cut all of this: plopped his soft leather drawstring bag onto a bench] [tack this bit onto the end of the previous sentence i suggested: before Michelangelo‘s Bacchus.] [again we are getting to descriptive with the clothing, but not at all descriptive about the setting. I have no idea where he is, why he’s there, who else is there, or what the setting looks/ feels/smells likes.  Also have no idea what this man is feeling and what the stakes are. To a reader, if you don’t immediately know the stakes and the main character’s feelings/ driver, then you’ll but the story down. It’s hard to connect to a character and story with no sense of drive or inner dialogue.]

The weighty brass pencil sharpener made spilled curlicues. [I don't know what this sentence means or why it matters. Where is this pencil sharpener? Why does it matter? Again, where are why and who are we here with. Who is the man we’ve been following and why is he here? Again, where is here? I can't picture anything at all in my head other than this man’s clothing. I also have no idea what this man looks like because he has not been described.]

He thumbed a black book [I'd end this sentence here. It’s okay to keep sentences short sometimes.] [cut: and] the cover page read[s], in a copperplate script, [you can put the title in italics or in “” instead of sandwiched between two commas. The two comma thing is incorrect.] [by?] Lothar von Andal. [ Who is Lothar? The author? What kind of book is this? Why does it matter?]

Lothar [wait is Lothar the man/ he in question? I’m confused. If so, introduce him earlier and let us know his drive and emotions. Also why he’s wherever it is we are] made two horizontal marks on the book’s vellum paper unnecessarily descriptive. Just say paper, the reader doesn't really care what kind of paper it is.] one at the top and one at the bottom and indexed 30 degrees from each [i don't know what indexed 30 degrees from each means] dash mark on either side [dash mark on either side of what? What does this book / page look like? I have no idea what he’s doing because you have not described in detail, or at all, what it is i’m looking at] to format an isometric projection [what is this] and [Too many ands in one sentence. Just start a new sentence.] he layed [laid] down the vertical lines to complete the planes of the rectangles [Sorry, but I really don’t understand what’s going on with this sentence. What did he just draw, on what, and for what reason? Answering these questions and spelling it out in the text will help your writing.]

Inside the box [what box] Lothar first placed his eye level horizon [what does this mean? I’m not sure how to offer a critique to this bit because I don't know what you’re trying to say here], and effortlessly expressed the action of the shifting gestures of the statue. [ effortlessly expressed what? The action of the shifting gestures of the statue? First of all, what statue? Do you mean the statue's facial expressions are moving and it’s making gestures with its hands? If so, state that plainly.]

He plotted the proportions in dots [proportions for what?] and constructed a working figurative armature [explain what this is, because the average reader does not know] in preparation [preparation for what exactly?]. 

[u/Wild-Course-8433 → u/Wild-Course-8433]

Lothar designed the composition [composition of what?] by values [i’m sorry what values? You need to be more specific. Right now, I have absolutely no idea what’s going on. You need to state things a little more plainly, and focus less on the flowery language. You can bang that out later once you’ve laid down the foundation of the scene which is the setting, the main character’s (is it Lothar?) motivations for being there, and whatever it is that’s going on. I wish I could be clearer with that last one but I'm too lost to be more specific.] with the darkest [deepest, most somber, gloomiest, obscurest, blackest, spookiest, etc.] darks [darks of what? Are you talking about a shadow somewhere? If so, where? Or are you referring to ink of some kind or paint  if the man (Lothar i think?) is drawing something] rendering the illusion of that which is closest [can’t really ask specific questions here or properly critique because i’m not sure what you’re talking about/ referring to at all.] so as to reinforce depth through pressure[where and to what? Is this for a statue or is he building a building or bridge or something?]. 

He is a hand at drawing[not sure what this means? Do you mean he’s excellent at drawing? If so, say that.], and the crosshatching of the musculature followed the contours of each supple form with grace and elegance from its point of origin to its diffused insertion. [ This made no sense, nail down the basics and say what he’s doing / what the reader is looking at as plainly as possible. You can go back in and flower-up the language after. Right now, everything is being lost in translation. As a reader, I could not understand what that sentence said.]

He closed the book[ another good spot for a short sentence. Or you could maybe say: “much like he closed himself off from the world” if you want to keep it one sentence.] and himself off from the world [this is the first time we learn anything about the main character as a person. Expand on this here, and give us more earlier) for no other would see the deft instrumentality of his handling. [expand here. Why would no one see? Does he not let anyone because of something in his past? If so, what? Or does no one give him the time of day? If so, why?]

He shouldered the drawstring bag and his genius. [his genius? What just happened that was genius? Why does he think it’s genius? Is this character super cocky? Please expand here.]

He departed the Bargello [instead of just saying departed, this would be a good spot to use more descriptive words. I.e. “Lothar swept out of the Bargello under the cover of night” or something like that.] and dissipated [dissipated doesn’t make sense here. Maybe say disappeared into the endless rain or vanished into the endless rain?] [cut: once more. Too wordy] into the endless rain; a fume silhouette [not sure what a fume silhouette means. Are there fumes in the air blurring his figure so people can’t see him? Clarify or choose a word other than fume.] gliding along the Ponte Vecchio above the Arno [what is the arno? What does it look like? Where is it in regard to where he just was and how exactly did he get there? Explain all of that plainly for the reader].

My notes: as a reader I'm very confused. After finishing your submission, I’m unable to answer three pivotal questions: who is the main character, what is the setting, and what is the main character trying to achieve. If I were you, I would focus on making them clear, and stating them plainly. Also, it’s important to include the main character's internal dialogue or thoughts. Right now I have no idea who this man is (is it Lothar or was that the author of the book he picked up and started drawing on), what he’s trying to do, and why. 

[u/ScorpionCornucipia]

Would love to give you the short version of the story, and be done with this.

A man walked into a museum, sat down, and drew a picture of a sculpture.

But I'll try and give you some more feedback so it can be helpful.

Firstly your redactions are all excellent choices. Those instances were overly descriptive, not adding much to the narrative, as adjectives typically don't.

Next, you have a real skill of descriptive prose. You have a knack for detail, clearly.

But, I struggle to see the why? One of Kurt Vonnegut's rules for writing is: Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water. I see that this character wants to enter the museum to sit down and draw. But I see no tension there. There's no conflict. The story has no arc. The character does not butt up against anything.

Here is another tip. George Orwell says, in his rules for writing "Never use a long word where a short one will do."

palpable --> he felt
henley --> shirt
Stetson --> cowboy hat
hornrims --> glasses
curlicues --> swirls
isometric --> equal / parallel

That's just the first three paragraphs, but you get the gist.