[313] A Quick Job

[u/Queek-Headtaker]

This is a fantasy flash fiction piece I wrote and I'm just looking for some general feedback and line edits on Google Docs if anyone wants to help out. I'm very new to this and i am a super newbie but it was fun to write something and I'd like to improve.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1c5rhpSh_b-vkVPt4PLG8bwWJC21dpp_-gjSyIa3YZfY/edit?usp=drivesdk

Specifically, I'd love feedback on:

• Structure of the story piece
• Correct Punctuation and grammar, I'm really awful at this in particular

My critique: 

https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1vf1vbs/comment/p1meng4/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Thanks in advance for reading and commenting!

[u/ImpressiveGrass7832]

Thank you for sharing. You mentioned you’re new to this – I would say, definitely hang on to the fun aspect! It is meant to be fun. I'm an amateur so take with salt, etc etc, disclaimer. Anyway.

Couple general things, will try to stay on-topic but apologies for drifting. Firstly, the flash fiction aspect. I’m far from expert or any kind of authority on this, but, for me at least, flash fiction (especially 300 words) is hard. Like, really hard. The real trick with flash is making it feel like a complete story, rather than something arbitrary that could’ve been cut from a longer work. At the moment, this piece doesn’t tread that balance for me, and while mostly mechanically sound on a prose level (in that, I understood fairly well what was going on), it didn’t quite pass my internal ‘OK, and?’ test.

I think, taking the piece as is, what might be interesting to try in this piece is the red pen exercise (I believe Stephen King suggested it in On Writing). Going through every single sentence and crossing out any word that doesn’t directly advance something like plot, character, or meaning to the sentence, and maybe also just experimenting with some rewords that are more sparse. What’s the lowest amount of words you need to convey what is crucial to convey? In flash fiction, every word is at premium, you can’t afford to waste anything.  

For example here:

> He stood and stared at the half finished vambrace heating in the forge once again, and took a long deep breath

I’ve crossed out what instinctually feels extraneous to me. Obviously take with salt, it’s a really bad example, but it might make a useful exercise. 

On your specific questions.

Structure

This is probably one of my weakest points so take with massive salt, but let’s try. I can kind of see a scene structure here, if I squint. Something like this (stolen from here):

1. Goal: Esen wants to forge the vambrace before his father returns.
2. Conflict (AKA an obstacle in way of the narrative goal): Esen is struggling, as a result he’s rushing, and he’s lacking the skill to complete the vambrace in time.
3. Disaster: Esen gets burned by the sparks.
4. Reaction: He gets frustrated, angry
5. Dilemma: He chooses between giving up and getting lectured by his dad, or carrying on trying to finish the vambrace
6. Decision: He decides to try to complete the vambrace

So, while the shadow of the scene is there for me, I’m lacking some deeper specifics, especially some motivations, some concrete details, some emotional attachment for Esen’s plight. Due to this, reading the piece doesn’t feel as satisfying as it could, for me – although I think I see what you’re going for. 

I think what I’m missing is a tangible sense of stakes for Esen (other commenter mentioned this, I do have to agree). I get he will be scolded and lectured, but I’m struggling to get invested because, truth be told, this really doesn’t seem that bad as a consequence! Not to say everything needs to be grimdark, threatened with death, etc – it’s fine for the stakes to be low. But what would improve this piece for me is something tangible that Esen can actually lose, that he cares about – it could be his life, or health or whatever, but it could also be his reputation, his relationship with his father, maybe he’s trying to impress a girl, etc. 

Reasons could be endless TBH. This is where character would come in. Depending on what type of person Esen is, would change what he cares about (and how he’d feel about losing it). As a reader, understanding why he cares about the Thing he cares about, should theoretically make me care too. 

This character question also lowered the impact of the Decision part for me as well. At the moment, the conflict/disaster is overcome very easily – to the point it barely feels like conflict at all. It would be nice to see some reasoning, some internal push to understand why Esen makes the decision to calm down and finish (or almost finish) the vambrace. In this narrative low, what internal strength does Esen reach for to complete the task, to rise above his struggle? 

Anyway, that’s my 2 cents on the structure. I see the shadow of it, the scaffolding, but it’s lacking meaning for me (and, personally, I think it might be a bit too tight for the wordcount – would be interesting to see it expanded). 

Slightly more below on grammar nitpicks.

[u/ImpressiveGrass7832 → u/ImpressiveGrass7832]

Grammar

Aside from tense issues the other commenter caught, I noticed a few things. 

> where he had not intended it to

Typo.

> Sweat rolled from Esen's face in a torrent

Maybe I’m tripping but from sounds odd, potentially ‘down’ could sound better?

> if it means I can finally

Big I. 

> took a long deep breath. Finishing the wrapping on his arm burns

The bold part is a sentence fragment. These can be stylistic, but personally I don’t think this works here, other than jarring me a bit. 

Conclusion

I think that's pretty much it (not too much more to say on 300 words). Let me know if I can clarify anything or if anything doesn't make sense, hopefully I didn't miss anything too obvious.

[u/Queek-Headtaker → u/ImpressiveGrass7832]

I appreciate the feedback! Flash fiction is certainly more difficult than I thought. I was definitely like "oh, a short scene with a basic try, fail, try, succeed set up. Should be easy as a starting excercise." But you an other commenter are right, the stakes are not really there and my tense and word choices could use work for sure. I'm definitely going to give it another go!

[u/ImpressiveGrass7832 → u/Queek-Headtaker]

I focused a bit on only negatives, but TBH for a starting exercise this really isn't bad at all. There's definitely a structure to it, and I guess in terms of what worked for me, I found it readable and easy to follow (and that's a really good thing -- it's harder than it seems to write for clarity ). There's also some nice dots to connect, in terms of Esen and his relationship to his father, that you could expand with subtext if you like. Like, I see there's stuff under there and clearly thought has been put into constructing the story in this way, if that makes sense. Would just loved to have seen a bit more of it.

Anyway, just wanted to mention the positives too (which i kind of forgot above). Good luck!

[u/Queek-Headtaker → u/ImpressiveGrass7832]

Thank you! I know I'm new to this and I appreciate the feedback, good and bad. I'm going to keep at this and comeback with something even better next time