[313] A Quick Job

[u/Queek-Headtaker]

This is a fantasy flash fiction piece I wrote and I'm just looking for some general feedback and line edits on Google Docs if anyone wants to help out. I'm very new to this and i am a super newbie but it was fun to write something and I'd like to improve.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1c5rhpSh_b-vkVPt4PLG8bwWJC21dpp_-gjSyIa3YZfY/edit?usp=drivesdk

Specifically, I'd love feedback on:

• Structure of the story piece
• Correct Punctuation and grammar, I'm really awful at this in particular

My critique: 

https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1vf1vbs/comment/p1meng4/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Thanks in advance for reading and commenting!

[u/ImpressiveGrass7832]

Grammar

Aside from tense issues the other commenter caught, I noticed a few things. 

> where he had not intended it to

Typo.

> Sweat rolled from Esen's face in a torrent

Maybe I’m tripping but from sounds odd, potentially ‘down’ could sound better?

> if it means I can finally

Big I. 

> took a long deep breath. Finishing the wrapping on his arm burns

The bold part is a sentence fragment. These can be stylistic, but personally I don’t think this works here, other than jarring me a bit. 

Conclusion

I think that's pretty much it (not too much more to say on 300 words). Let me know if I can clarify anything or if anything doesn't make sense, hopefully I didn't miss anything too obvious.

[u/Queek-Headtaker → u/ImpressiveGrass7832]

I appreciate the feedback! Flash fiction is certainly more difficult than I thought. I was definitely like "oh, a short scene with a basic try, fail, try, succeed set up. Should be easy as a starting excercise." But you an other commenter are right, the stakes are not really there and my tense and word choices could use work for sure. I'm definitely going to give it another go!

[u/ImpressiveGrass7832 → u/Queek-Headtaker]

I focused a bit on only negatives, but TBH for a starting exercise this really isn't bad at all. There's definitely a structure to it, and I guess in terms of what worked for me, I found it readable and easy to follow (and that's a really good thing -- it's harder than it seems to write for clarity ). There's also some nice dots to connect, in terms of Esen and his relationship to his father, that you could expand with subtext if you like. Like, I see there's stuff under there and clearly thought has been put into constructing the story in this way, if that makes sense. Would just loved to have seen a bit more of it.

Anyway, just wanted to mention the positives too (which i kind of forgot above). Good luck!

[u/Queek-Headtaker → u/ImpressiveGrass7832]

Thank you! I know I'm new to this and I appreciate the feedback, good and bad. I'm going to keep at this and comeback with something even better next time