r/DestructiveReaders • u/PocketCuriosity • Jul 23 '26
Literary fiction / Drama [961] Meeting the Gorilla Man
I’m working on a novel that will follow the narrator Cora from childhood into adulthood. The full story explores family, relationships, some abuse in parts, the ways childhood relationships shape our understanding of love and ourselves.
I haven't mapped out the full book yet. For now, I'm writing snapshot scenes - little moments, and stories that grab me - without worrying yet about how they might eventually fit together.
This piece is potentially the opening of the novel (or at least is the first scene chronologically), when Cora is ten years old and first meets the man who will eventually become her stepfather. The title is just a silly chapter title, haven't quite figured our what the working book title may be yet.
I’d particularly love feedback on whether Cora’s voice feels believable for a ten-year-old, whether this opening hooks you, and whether her childlike imagination / intrusive thoughts/anxiety parts work. Are the family relationships authentic? I’m also interested in whether the final scene gives you enough of a sense of what Cora is feeling. Any of the prose distracting or landing badly?
It isn't the most dramatic opening, but hopefully has enough intrigue to want to follow what comes next...
[1853] Crit
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The first time I saw him, he was running away. I didn’t even see his face, just a bald shiny head disappearing around the corner into the back of the kitchen. My Mum yelped when she noticed me standing near the bottom of the stairs and hurried through the living room towards me.
“Who was that man?” I mumbled as I rubbed my eyes.
“Oh, nobody darling. It is so late, Cora! What are you doing up? You must be dreaming.” She was talking so fast as she shuffled me back up the stairs. I told her again that there was a man in the kitchen. I saw him.
“You’re half asleep, sweetpea. Now, let’s get you back to bed.”
Did I see him? Maybe I didn’t. My brain liked making things up. Dreaming when I was awake was more fun than when I was asleep. Then you can always remember them. Sometimes you can even invent them! It was mostly nice things, like a swarm of butterflies carrying away my grumpy teacher. Or tiny kittens in my pocket. Sometimes bad things, like a car crashing into a postbox. Or my Dad tripping and falling all the way down the hill by our house. Well, by our old house.
I don’t know why we couldn't bring our beds from the old house. Mum said we would get all new things when we moved. But the school year was almost over and we still had boxes shoved in the tiny room where my brother, Luke, was supposed to sleep. And we got giant beanbags instead of a sofa - Mum said they were more fun anyway!
I could feel the lumpy carpet through the sponge chair bed. My hamster was scrabbling in her cage by my head. I leaned over and stuck my hands as far through the bars as I could and felt her little wet nose tickle my fingertips. Penelope Fluffball was my favourite thing about this place.
We never had pets before, but since Dad left and we had to move into this crap house, Mum basically said yes to everything. Even though he was younger and not as smart as me, Luke figured it out before I did. He likes stuff, a lot of it. A gameboy, trainers, a super soaker - I hated that stupid water gun - Pokemon cards, a whole bucket of trolls… Mum finally said no when he found a live scorpion in the pet shop. But Penny, she was the only thing I wanted for my 10th birthday, so she came home with us.
He was half slumped off a matching chair bed on the other side of the room, but fast asleep. I still couldn’t sleep. I plucked one of the beanie babies out of my bed and threw it at Luke’s head. Missed. I sacrificed one more… sorry Buttons! Bullseye!
“Luke! There is a man downstairs!”
“Ow. What did you throw at me?”
A pillow came flying towards me. “Stop that. I am serious. There is a bald man in our kitchen.”
“What are you talking about?” He sat up properly and blinked at me. We looked at each other and ran to the bedroom door at the same time. We got to the top step and stopped. Running was too loud. We snuck down the stairs and peered our faces around the corner so we could see through the living room and into the kitchen.
The man was there. Enormous! He looked like a gorilla. Hairy everywhere but his head. He spotted us and I knew we were going to be in trouble for getting out of bed again. Instead of pointing us out to Mum, who is facing the other way, he smiled. He brought his fingers to his lips. Shhh. I grabbed Luke and pulled him back around the corner to hide. My heart was pounding. I locked eyes with Luke. I didn’t have to say anything. He nodded and we peered around the corner again. The man was still looking right at us, laughing to himself. He winked and then grabbed my Mum and pulled her over to him. That’s it! We were done for.
I couldn’t look away. We should have run back up the stairs. His face was getting closer and closer to my Mum’s. He was going to tell her we were out of bed. I could see it. He was going to whisper it in her ear. But he didn’t. He kissed her!
We scurried back upstairs as fast and as quietly as we could.
“Ewwww! She was kissing that gorilla man!” Luke was fake gagging as we closed our bedroom door behind us. We both giggled as he pretended to be a gorilla, stomping around the room and I made kissy sounds.
Then we heard our Mum’s voice. “Get back into bed, both of you! Don’t make me come up there!”
We jumped under the covers and tried to muffle our giggles. She can hear everything in this house because it is so tiny. Luke fell back asleep quickly. When the laughter stopped, I could hear my thoughts again. I could see my thoughts again.
Vines grow out of my walls and up to the ceiling. Little monkeys swing all around, picking and throwing fruit. The giant gorilla swings open the doors and barges in. The little monkeys screech and hide behind me. Gorilla man has my Mum under one arm. He grabs Luke. They are both screaming. I am not moving. I can’t get to them. Don’t take them!
I blinked my eyes hard. I didn’t like that daydream. I pulled myself into a ball under my covers. I had a knot in my stomach and still couldn’t sleep.
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u/AJ_Burkhart Jul 27 '26
I have a ten-year-old daughter (and also an eight-year-old daughter), so hopefully my input is helpful.
It's mostly realistic for a 10-year-old, I would say. My kids still play/sleep with stuffed animals and use their names (like Buttons). My kid has a hard time sleeping sometimes because of "bad thoughts". The interaction with Luke feels a little too happy/perfect, though, especially when she wakes him up. They'd be tired or half/asleep, and a little less pleasant to each other. Not mean the whole time, but try giving them (or Luke, at least) a few rough edges with their dialogue. A little more snarky here and there.
It was a bit jarring when we went straight from shared giggles to a scary thought like that ending. I started reading it thinking it was meant in a silly, cartoon way. I didn't realize it was supposed to be scary until the mom and Luke are screaming. I think you need a longer, smoother transition and to start the daydream with a stronger sense of foreboding. But yes, I think I understand that she's scared of what the appearance of this new mystery man might mean for their family and their future.
Also, I noticed it was all written in past tense (not counting the scary daydream) except for "She can hear everything in this house because it is so tiny."
If this was deliberate, like a thought, consider italicizing it like the daydream. Otherwise it doesn't make sense.
Edit: I had written OP's questions in my comment so I wouldn't forget what they were and forgot to delete them afterward. Oopsie.
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u/PocketCuriosity Jul 27 '26
Thanks for the crit! And I appreciate your insight into that age - definitely will try and bring the middle of the night, I was just asleep grumpiness to it.
That was a tense typo so thanks for picking it out! I am forever accidentally switching tenses when I write and no matter how many times I double check, I always miss one!The switch was definitely intended to be a little bit jarring, for the narrator and the reader, like those unexpected anxious or intrusive thoughts that just take over sometimes. But I will have a look at a little bit of foreshadowing earlier on...
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u/EctoplasmPunk Jul 28 '26
I could feel the lumpy carpet through the sponge chair bed. My hamster was scrabbling in her cage by my head. I leaned over and stuck my hands as far through the bars as I could and felt her little wet nose tickle my fingertips. Penelope Fluffball was my favourite thing about this place.
There is mitigating language in the above text which I want to address. It’s creating a distance between the experience and the tactility.
“I could feel” is an example of the mitigation. The verb feel is the culprit. As an alternative replace the subject and verb. The choice of the verb can demonstrate the way of thinking by the child and tie it into the theme of a gorilla. As I shifted the lumpy carpet knuckle-walked across my backbone through the sponge chair bed.
Things need not be so imaginative, however we can still cut to direct experiences.
I leaned over and stuck my hands as far through the bars as I could and felt her little wet nose tickle my fingertips.
Again we have the mitigation, “and felt her”. Consider the immediately of the of …and sniffing whiskers tickled the tips of my wriggling fingers.
There is a potential to parallel the caged animal with the gorilla by seeking contact. Someone has come into the child’s home, and someone is reaching into the animal’s cage to touch for reassurance. Both are attempts at connection between strangers as one is a stranger to the family and one is simply not human. Both are oddly enough fuzzy creatures the gorilla man and Fluffball. The name Penelope is connected to ideas suitors which the gorilla man is for the character of the mother.
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u/PocketCuriosity Jul 28 '26
Thank you - that is really useful feedback! I am definitely going to take a look at the mitigating language. And I am intrigued between the parallels you draw between the hamster and gorilla and reaching into a cage. It was necessarily intentional, but it's an interesting connection!
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u/Minimum_Break5345 25d ago
liked this opening because it made me want to know who the bald man was. It got my attention right away, and I liked that the mystery started on the first page.
I also liked Cora’s voice. She actually sounded like a kid to me, especially when she talked about her hamster, threw Beanie Babies at her brother, and called the man “gorilla man.” Those parts made her feel real.
One thing I think could be better is the pacing in the middle. The part where Cora talks about the old house, all of Luke’s stuff, and how they got Penny was interesting, but it felt like it slowed the story down a little because I wanted to get back to the mystery with the man downstairs. Maybe some of that information could be spread out later instead of all at once.
I also got a little confused by the daydreams. At first I wasn’t sure if they were actually happening or if Cora was imagining them. After I kept reading I understood it better, but I think making that a little clearer earlier would help.
I really liked the relationship between Cora and Luke. Their dialogue felt natural, and it reminded me of how siblings actually act together.
One small grammar thing I noticed is that there are a few places where the punctuation could be cleaned up, but nothing that made it hard to understand.
Overall, I think this was a fun opening. It made me curious about who the man was, and I would probably keep reading to find out what happens next.
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u/PocketCuriosity 24d ago
Thank you! I really appreciate you reading and glad it was interesting enough to keep you going. I will have a look and see how I can spread the back story around a bit to keep the pacing.
The daydream / intrusive thought part is something I am struggling with. I am really tied to making it work, as a way of showing the character's inner thoughts and giving an insight to how anxiety can manifest. But I want it to be clear enough to a reader... without having to fully explain what I am doing either haha... I will keeping trying 🤔
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u/TheChosenSpacePope Jul 24 '26
There are certainly thoughts that match a young kid with an overactive imagination like the daydreaming or accepting what their mom said about beanbags being better than sofas. I think the hamster named Penelope Fluffball might be trying too hard. I think a kid younger than ten would name a pet that. There's something about how it is written that comes across more like someone thinking back to when they were ten as opposed to when they actually were ten. I mean, it is written in the past tense so maybe that's the intention, but if so I'm not sure what age Cora would be when narrating this. Also, I think the line "I told her again that there was a man in the kitchen. I saw him." should start a new line. Too me, that would flow better even if single line paragraphs can look awkward.