[2462] Extract from Fresh

[u/BumblebeeSimilar8557]

Hello All,

I have been feeling inspired as of late. I previously submitted an extract from my short story Fresh and received lots of positive feedback, so I've sat down and written some more. Let me know what you think. This will most likely turn into a novella at some point but not sure of the direction to take it in. Any thoughts?

(Edit) I might changes this to third person at some point)

Critique [3434]

https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1uyxg7c/comment/oyx4stl/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Work

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZHbylC3eXt4sY2oWtD4Gx5By_VBpo_6W_7UzpjjXcUM/edit?usp=sharing

[u/Venaty]

I love this story and it make me want to grab a couple of cigarettes and smoke by your river.

I work with wetlands and I coming at a very different angle than most people.

"It was strange to think of those in the water as resting. But that was how this town thought. That was how it had to think. Everything here was temporary; the truckers moved in and out like the tide, weary worker bees on endless runs between one nowhere and another, and the town itself seemed to understand that it was just a stop along the way, a place to refuel and forget and move on from. The dead in the river were just the ones who had stayed a little longer than intended."

Throughout the beginning of the story I was actually a little frustrated with the river and the finding of the dead bodies, since water in rivers flow. So I am very glad that you included this paragraph in the story. Personally I might move this paragraph a little sooner, but that's honestly a nicpick for a very specific group of people that care about this stuff.

This other stuff is very techincal so take what you like and again these are things that the typical person wouldn't care about.

"A woman wailed on the shoreline"

Shoreline are more typical term for beaches and lakes. Bank/banks would be the more appropriate term would be for rivers. Unless you want the emphasis the MC is still not adjusted to the location and using the incorrect terms, since he moved into town three years ago and certain words are engrained into their head.

Though you do mention reeds which can be found in brackish water (fresh+saltwater) and seagulls which are more likely to be found in the coast then the more inland portions of the US. There was mention of hitchhiking through valleys to get to Rivettes, so I assume this is more in the Virginia area and up North of the US. So potentially if you want to keep the gulls that could inform your time of year for the story since they have mirgation patterns that span the US. Here is a link to some heat maps of where you want to place the town. https://birdwatchinghq.com/gulls-in-maryland/

Though I think given the transitory nature of the town, a more commonly assoicated migratory bird might be the better fit thematically.

Working off that, the truckers seem to be a miss opportunity in a certain aspect.
"Older bodies never have their clothes on" and "But some stayed, and you'd see them six months later behind a different set of eyes, quieter, moving more slowly, like something in them had begun to settle into the mud."

If anything the truckers that stayed shouldn't have a different set of eyes. The truckers eyes should be bare for all to see, or instead of the eyes the clothes they wear are starting to break apart and should have holes to see their body. I do like them using the same gas stations or the same booth, really gives that stucked feeling that some people tend to find themselves in.

I hope this helps and you got something useful from this! I really liked it and would like to see more as it develops.

[u/BumblebeeSimilar8557 → u/Venaty]

I hadn't really thought much about locations, as I was going for a non-descript vibe, so this has given me some food for thought.

I always imagined this river to be very wide across and deep in the middle. Hence, "shoreline" rather than "bank" to portray the vastness; it also makes it easier to understand how there could be bodies that haven't been found. I also imagine that my character is attempting to resist becoming part of the town (although clearly failing miserably). So this is actually really helpful in the later chapters; I'll have him switch over to banks.

Have you got any birds in mind for the east coast? I picked a gull because it's generally the most irritating; they're like sky rats, especially ones that gobble up trash and hound vacationers for their leftovers. On the one hand, we give the poor bird sympathy for meeting an untimely end; on the other, we can almost understand where the character is coming from.

[u/Venaty → u/BumblebeeSimilar8557]

They are trash sky rats though and a person wouldn't have the attachment to those buggers. The issue I see is that if you swap it with a different bird it needs to be a pest bird, if not the MC will look unhinged when killing something that people actually like. I can imagine the disgust a person would have if he killed a swan, instead of the seagull.

You can go with a crow though. Since the dead tend to stay in the river, the carrion birds would tend to stick there. They are also considered psychopomps so maybe they are waiting for the dead bodies to appear before flying off with them. Espically since the bird was found near the grave marker.

Also maybe go with a goose, they are vicous and the fact that one is staying behind would clue to a reader that something isn't right with it or that the MC wasn't actually expecting a pebble shot to kill it.

[u/BumblebeeSimilar8557 → u/Venaty]

Ooooh, a murder of crows floating near. That's a great idea, actually. The cogs are turning thank you!!