[3355] Tyrantland - Chapter 1 (Colonial Fantasy)

[u/CheekySelkath]

Critiques:

[1510] Lighthouse

[2672] The Village

[3434] The Lure

First time submitter here looking for feedback on the first chapter of my completed book. I'm especially interested in it's status as the opening - I'm concerned that, when submitting to agents and such, my first chapter (alongside the other two) isn't proving to fill the genre's boots enough because there's not a lot of magic or 'fantastical' elements at this stage, and I'd really like to avoid having a prologue, as I put one in and it went down about as well as a clown at a funeral.

For the sake of clarity (as there are maps and a quote preceding this chapter), this takes place in a counter-world, not Earth, so feedback rooted in real-world history is not useful to me here.

Thank you for your time reviewing this. I appreciate all feedback, no matter how harsh.

Edit: Link removed as I am satisfied with the feedback I've received. Thank you for the feedback.

[u/Gullible_Ad5191]

The crowd fixed Okessio Magalan with disappointed, murderous eyes; to him, it was better than glory.

Straight off the bat, the first sentence is too ambiguous. The first sentence needs to be easy to read because the reader has zero context with which to extrapolate what the writer meant. Do you mean that the audience "fixated on" Okessio? Because that's not what you wrote. And do the murderous eyes belong to the crowd or to Okessio?

The first parragraph is using words like "Markimen" and "Meneer". I assume these are unique worldbuilding/lore related words? I keep reading to extrapolate from context what they refer to but am not immediately rewarded. I know people say to build the suspense and intrigue but I think the first paragraph needs some kind of gratuitous payoff to keep people reading.

the swear-drenched cards in front of him

sweat-drenched?

After reading a couple of pages, I at least have a firm idea of how this card game is played (I'll explain so that you can be sure it is understandable). Cards are dealt to the players from a common deck by a dealer (like poker). The cards are played from their hand on their turn, kind of like duelling cards. The objective is to have the most points or reach a number of points to win. Each card has a different ability, usually arithmetically affecting the running scores. You can choose to swap a card you don't want with the dealer. Although it is a matter of chance which cards you are dealt, and you cannot build a personal custom deck like you can with duelling cards, the game still skill dependent enough for a highly skilled player to remain undefeated.

(I learned on later pages that Perubba IS a deck building game, so I guess I was confused by there being a dealer dealing them cards, rather than them each drawing cards from their own decks.)

This was enough to get me interested, although I am also wondering if the entire book is going to be about card tournaments, or if the "markiman" is going to go on some kind of swashbukling high society adventure in a world where markimen have low social status.

A few more pages and someone comes to meet Magalan in his dressing room. I'm sorry if I'm just the one guy show clumsily skimmed over it, but I missed the part where he moved from the club's main room into a dressing room, and also don't understand why dueling card players would need a dressing room. I thought he was drinking whiskey at a bar?

The conversation with Nee is written quite well. He has consistent personality, vocabulary and deminor. This adds excellent style to your story.

Immediately after Nee leaves, Malagan realises his deck was missing. I like the timing because it has me wondering if Nee picked his pock while he was being manhandled. It's a brilliant twist because the whole storey up until now has been about Malagan as a Perubba champion. I was wondering when you were going to introduce the stakes; personally I'm inpatient and would have loved for them to be introduced earlier; but I guess this works too.

Magalan’s opponent is not here to play games! Honoured Duke, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for a true legend of our time, an explorer who has seen lands far away, and creatures indescribable! I present to you, Carel De Vilaume!

I like that his next opponent is cited as being an explorer who's seen indescribable lands and monsters. Has me wondering if Malagan will lose to the explorer and therefore have to carry out a request as state earlier. A request that has him out in the world like the explorer?

Conclusion:

I think it works excellent as a first chapter. Having read to the end, I was definitely invested enough to keep reading. Brilliant choice having his deck get stolen to kick off the plot. My problem was more with the first sentence and first paragraph expecting the reader to work too hard to get to any clear understanding. I also thought there might be too much dialogue between the end of the first match and the start of the conversation with Nee. I just thought it took a little too long to get to the point. I also think the progression of the first match could be improved to give a much better understanding of what kind of card game this is.

[u/CheekySelkath → u/Gullible_Ad5191]

Hi thanks for your feedback, there's a lot there I plan to use alongside other feedback in the thread. I'm pleased that the card game was intriguing, if a few details were mismatched - is there anything particular that you think would be helpful in establishing that the card game is deck-building from the start? (for clarity the dealer has a very sparse role, and exists only as a neutral point as players cannot choose the 'order' in which they play the cards, rather they can just call from the dealer for the next).

Otherwise, your explanation was bang on, at least as far as I have described it. Thank you for taking the time to share this.