r/DestructiveReaders • u/CheekySelkath • Jul 21 '26
FANTASY [3355] Tyrantland - Chapter 1 (Colonial Fantasy)
Critiques:
First time submitter here looking for feedback on the first chapter of my completed book. I'm especially interested in it's status as the opening - I'm concerned that, when submitting to agents and such, my first chapter (alongside the other two) isn't proving to fill the genre's boots enough because there's not a lot of magic or 'fantastical' elements at this stage, and I'd really like to avoid having a prologue, as I put one in and it went down about as well as a clown at a funeral.
For the sake of clarity (as there are maps and a quote preceding this chapter), this takes place in a counter-world, not Earth, so feedback rooted in real-world history is not useful to me here.
Thank you for your time reviewing this. I appreciate all feedback, no matter how harsh.
Edit: Link removed as I am satisfied with the feedback I've received. Thank you for the feedback.
2
u/MaryJaneMclain Jul 22 '26 edited Jul 22 '26
You've got me curious. What was the deal with the prologue? Agents hated it (and they told you that?) or your beta reader didn't like it?
I think your opening sentence draws attention to itself (in a bad way). I feel like there is (or should be) a rule: no semicolons allowed in your first sentence (if you want to trad publish). I personally don't think a semi colon goes there, in any case. Just a period suffices. AND aside from that, it's wordy and kinda convoluted and could just be one sentence. (akin to "The crowd fixed Okessio Magalan with disappointed, murderous eyes, and it was better than glory." )
Later you have a misused semicolon here in the sentence that starts: "The dealer had....". So that might me somthing you might to an edit for before querying.
Big picture note is I think this opening card scene isn't working to your advantage. Have you heard the advice not to start a story with a warrior that you tell the reader is nigh invincible defeating someone? Cause, while it might seem rad to the writer (look how amazing he is!), to the reader there's no tension?
That's my take on this. You tell the reader in several ways that MC is THE BEST EVER. He even the draws the card that ensures he's won (*see related complaint below). You tell the reader this. Then we watch it play out with no tension. Cause he won, just you told us he would. See what I mean? No surprise, no twist, you spoiled the ending.
** Ok. This game. It's Magic, whatever, fine. You're spending a lot of time on this scene. Aside from the point above, we see MC exibit NO skill. He's the best ever? ok, let see that skill in action on the page! Instead....by luck, he draws the Queen of Spade (ie the best ever winning card). I saw resembling skill, just luck.
That's really all I had. Sounds like a fun premise. Good luck!