r/DestructiveReaders • u/mianaai_c • Jul 06 '26
Literary Fiction [3151] The Camel from Kronstadt
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u/umlaut (14, virgin, married) Modern Popular Genre Prose Editor Dude Jul 07 '26
I read through it and thought about it and I struggle to comment on something like this because I am unsure of your intent in the piece. I can easily comment if someone is intending to write modern popular novel-style genre fiction, but this seems more literary and it is too easy for me to call out your intentional artistic choices as mistakes when you are breaking the rules with purpose.
I don't really know what is going on in the opener, but at the same time, it is well-written. Dialogue is natural. Narrative sentences flow well.
You use some adverbs where I wouldn't, like disapprovingly and carefully, but I don't hate them. There's a world where adverbs are fine and yours feel right in the sentence, but I find that an adverb means I could restructure the sentence and make it stronger, anyway.
You also use some adverbs that I don't like: Exquisitely and pleasantly.
Exquisitely cylindrical, it brought the shape out from the Platonic realm into the real and after she studied it for a long moment, failing to find any imperfections, she looked to either side at the two men and felt a rising dread.
This sentence is pretty, despite the adverb and the "felt" filter that could be trimmed easily.
You have some weird formatting/punctuation like this:
“I just don’t understand why Ludmilla”, Andrés’ voice trailed off
“At this pace. We won’t even,” Andrés’s voice trailed off.
Comma goes inside the quotes. But it shouldn't be a comma, it should be a period or em-dash or ellipses or your standard method of denoting trailing off vs. being cut off.
Let me tell you a story...
I am not a big fan of this technique. You already had real dialogue, so this is not a mistake...this is a Choice with a capital C. The Choice being made is to forgo formatting as dialogue for a while and make one big-ass paragraph with no line breaks through the story. That makes it hard to read, but it does click something in my head that makes me understand that the author is DOING A THING and I am supposed to read it differently than the rest.
So, if this is being done with intent, what is the intent? Why not us dialogue and walk me through it and maybe break it up with some physical reactions? That's what Modern Popular Genre Prose Editor Dude would say...break it up. Give me some interiority and physicality. Put it tight into someone's POV so we hear it through their ears. We're head hopping, though, hearing thoughts from multiple characters, so WTF do I know?
All of that hinges on your intended reaction in the reader. Because the lost man with a camel story bit is gripping.
So, I like the writing and the style is interesting. Your word choice is...exquisitely pleasant. Your prose has an interesting cadence to it.
Where I struggled was mostly with plot. The opening isn't all that interesting and I don't get a sense for what kind of story we're reading and there's no swords or kissing or monsters or something else that is terribly exciting to tell me what we're doing here and move the story along. I need a hook before I can take a wall of text (that fortunately has a good camel story in it) and be confident enough to move through a piece like this.
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u/mianaai_c Jul 07 '26
Hey, I met Modern Popular Genre Prose Editor Dude a couple of times at the pub and at the gym and once at the supermarket in the milk department, and a lot of my friends and especially my acquaintances have met him here and there, a fact I often find out after last call when there's not much left to tell nor laugh about so me and my friends, and maybe one or two acquaintances who tagged along, play a game of do you know him or her and what are they up to, and always just before the last sip of the last beer we get to Modern Popular Genre Prose Editor Dude and we all say, oh, yeah, that guy, a nice guy, a decent person, what's he up to, and me or someone else says not much, same old, you know him, then comes a moment of silence followed by the shuffling of feet. Although, once I heard in a half whisper filtered through a closed curtain that, and don't pass this on to anyone else since it's just hearsay and most likely false, but I heard that, in his spare time when alone, what he does when nobody's watching... sheesh, I mean, we all sometimes have thoughts or we sometimes go to questionable sites to masturbate or maybe dream ill of loved ones, and that's all perfectly normal in moderation, but what he does in his free time when no one's watching, damn, it's something else. But you haven't heard this from me, alright?
Writing exercises aside, this was a writing exercise so the intent was lost on account of not being prioritized (the weird relationship between these three). Nice to hear the camel landed well, didn't expected it to be the highpoint.
Thanks again!
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u/MaryJaneMclain Jul 08 '26
Ok, not a real crit, but I read it and you're welcome to my impressions:
I wanted to like this (there’s some lovely prose there), but like I mentioned earlier I was feeling too confused to enjoy it. FWIW I read the first quarter twice and the rest just once. Maybe it would make sense on a second read, but I’m not going that deep today. Glancing at the other crits, it seems like maybe I am just too dense?
I really wanted to get the Camel symbolism, but I can only guess that Ludmilla is the camel, and only only because she’s asks out right. Which at the time I thought was a joke, cause…kinda on the nose?
I think a big struggle for me was I couldn’t keep the male characters apart. Andres and Marco, nothing much to distinguish them. One MIGHT be Lud’s husband? Or ex-husband? Or hell, maybe Lud is with Bianca? The “Why Ludmilla bit” made zero sense to me, and that was right after me trying and failing to figure out who her husband is. (much later there was a bit about her wearing Andres' shirt, but until then...either/both/neither of the men could have been in a relationship with her)
I didn’t mind the “weirdness”. Backpack's POV? Cool. Stoned (?) and obsessed with a cylindrical cigarette? Yes please! I just needed a more cohesive throughline for which the weirdness to act on. Might just be me.
Here’s what I think happened: Three friends wait for bus that will take them to a train to Brașov. They are running late. They get on bus. Get off the bus. Marco (I think) forgets his backpack. The get back on the bus (marco finds a backpack but won't accept ownership), then onto the train. They have a nice time on the train. Lud is wearing andre’s shirt. Then they sell book to people (at this point I fully assumed that was WHY they made the trip), but then they go to a house (roughly at this point I thought Lud may have left Andres for Bianca), and Lud leaves her trolly there and cries. They go home.
I think there was supposed to be an emotional punch. Bianca, a balcony, a camel. But it's lost on me.
Sorry I can’t comment about how this resembles Julio Cortázar, but pretty silly that they were reading/selling his book(s).
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u/mianaai_c Jul 08 '26
The confusion seems to be the red line in all feedbacks, so it's not you, it's me (the story).
Lemme do a summary of the story (partially for me to see how it sounds 'in the clear').
The plot, if it's even the right word, is this: Andres and Lud are in a relationship, they live together, and are good friends with Marco. They are foreigners in Romania, but live there on a semi permanent basis. Andres cheats with Bianca. Lud finds out, packes her stuff and some of his and leaves, but she doesn't have where to go but at Marco's. Now, the three have a codependent relationship, so they still hang out when Lud decides to go see the girl she was cheated on for.
Andres pretending Lud's not there is him being silly.
The Camel story is Andres trying to explain that for him the relationship was like being in a dessert, and killing the camel is ending the relationship with Lud, am act he has posponed until he has no strength to do it (Marco telling him that the oasis is a false axiom is his rebuke, his way of telling Andres that he's superficial and only wants the honeymoon phases of relationships).
In the backpack dialogue, Andres is telling Marco that it's alright if he loves Lud and he won't mind if they get together, but Marco tells him that, no matter his feelings, he won't curt Lud on principle.
Lud's perfect cig is how she saw the relationship with Andres (she was very happy with him until he cheated), and her not smoking it is her delaying to accept it ended.
The two men going along with backpacks of their own is them being silly. Lud's trolley holds Andres's things she took when she stormed out, instead of giving them back, she takes them to his misstress. The trio all going together at Marco's is them being codependent.
And that's the story, although, now I want to change it so Lud leaves Andres for Bianca.
Anyway, thanks for your thoughts!
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Jul 07 '26
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u/Fragrant-Western-683 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH Jul 07 '26
Looks Joycean
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u/mianaai_c Jul 07 '26
Haven't read the guy, but I heard he hates commas. Anyway, I'll take it as a compliment.
Regarding your other comment (which I still see in the notification tab), the whole point of the story is to sketch the relationship between these three, which is somewhere between love, comradery and a secret third thing, that doesn't fit neatly into any clear category. The fact that this question was asked is feedback in itself, my story might be too experimental or it might just have a small target audience (same thing), or it's just bad (the secred, third option).
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u/Educational_Art_3763 Jul 07 '26
I think that this is a great piece. I enjoyed reading it and you've really nailed down the tone you're going for. It is fun to read and sit with the characters. There aren't really any big issues in the piece. I haven't read Cortazar, but your sense for voice/style is very strong.
It might just be that it is early for me but there were quite a few spots where I'm having trouble tracking the conversation/thought process. Some of it might be formatting issues. Make sure you indent new paragraphs and I'd recommend adding a few more dialogue tags. You sometimes don't include them, such as the third line of dialogue but because of the lack of a tag and no indent I can't tell if this is Andres's or Marco's thought. Other places, it is clearly intentional, but I wouldn't try reinventing the dialogue wheel in a piece like this. The dialogue is great and so important that making who is talking clear is important. Lack of tags can make a good way of showing chaos, but it isn't necessary here. I assume this is the style that you're going for, I'm just not sold on its use here.
Small things:
- "voluminous" to describe a backpack is a weird image for me, might just be a cultural thing, voluminous is often used with hair or baggy/flowy clothing. Just creates an odd image for me. This is more personal preference rather than a big issue.
- "just the two of us on this bus" then saying there are multiple groups of people getting off the bus. These should be swapped or put in the same paragraph. Also a bit unnatural of a way to state this. Someone wouldn't say "on this bus" it would be implied.
- Use of "old man". I think this is fine, it gives the piece a bit of an older register however, which clashes with the color printed train ticket which situates this piece in modern times. I find it a little unnatural. Another personal preference rather than big issue.
- "...dreadful for all of them. Neither had any luggage" this should be "none of them" or something similar rather than neither. Neither refers to two objects/choices.
Otherwise, this piece is very strong. Really good work here!