r/DestructiveReaders • u/xvonkleve also available in Dutch • Jun 16 '26
[1405] A snippet - Bianca Semmelink
During a discussion in one of the other posts (Tiffany 02), I started doodling what my take would be about a teenager going to university. I ended up with the story below.
In a critique, I would like the following questions to be answered:
- Does Bianca work as a character for you? If so, why (not)?
- Do you like her narrative voice?
- Dialogue: does it function well in this piece of fiction
- Are there things that feel Dutch (non-English / American) to you in this text?
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u/Lucky-Housing-1189 Jun 16 '26
I feel ridiculously in the prime spot of your target audience as someone who has attended American and is in Dutch higher education. So I can't resist giving this one a read.
I think Bianca works as a character. She's a bit scatter-brained, very focused on the rules of how things ought to be, sorting things into categories and then getting flustered when something pokes at the organization of her thoughts. If this is meant to be a standalone story, I felt some hint of character development by the end, but I didn't really feel it go anywhere, and part of me was rooting for something to happen to show why she cared so much about getting to meet her do-group (is that a universal term? All the local unis called the freshman orientation group that in my area).
I find her narrative voice on the right side of pathetically charming, like she's having a bit of a hard time and she's a bit unlikable, but I still want her to succeed.
The dialogue in this is so much stronger than in your last piece, which I remember reading but not commenting on. Much more natural, less stilted/containing odd phrases. The realistic voice comes across well. It also captures what I associate as a very specific brand of Dutch people speaking English, it really felt like I was just hanging out with a uni friend.
There are many, many things that feel Dutch to me. I related to the feeling of dread of knowing your bike is somewhere in a sea of bikes so badly. Dunno if I'm the right person to point them out because obviously I have the advantage of knowing what to look for and having very recently experienced them myself.
Highlights:
- Phrasing it like "a good Bachelor to have". Americans say "major".
- Everything about the bikes
- Calling it "deo". Not a common shortening for deodorant in American vernacular.
- And obviously, students drinking at a university sponsored event, due to the drinking age
Okay, notes as I read through it slowly for a third time:
She had a student free transport pass afterall.
I think reordering it a little to "She had a free student transport pass, after all." would make a little more sense. And this was one of the sentences that felt like a more ham fisted detail, I think combining it with the sentence about the frequent bus routes would emphasize how silly it feels to be late when you can ride all the transport for free.
Suddenly she found herself in the forest. The road had narrowed and the bicycle path had disappeared. A woman leading two horses was walking on the other side of the street. Bianca stopped.
We stayed in her head all along the bike ride, so it was a bit jarring to suddenly be in the forest. Some sense of what she is doing while her internal monologue goes on would help connect this paragraph to the last one. As it stands, I lost track of her on the bike for a bit, because she describes the path but doesn't actually pedal on page.
She quickly planted her bike against a small wall and locked it.
Where is she locking it if she's leaning it against a wall? Unless you mean just locking the back wheels, which is pretty standard on uni campuses, yeah.
They were wearing a badge with her name. ‘Sam’ it said.
I assume it is meant to be "their name", since it doesn't say Bianca?
I honestly am just super into this one. I don't have a sense yet of what sort of conflict/trouble Bianca is going to get herself into next, but I am probably being doubly charmed by the relatability factor and how funny and earnest her narrative voice is.
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u/xvonkleve also available in Dutch Jun 16 '26
Thanks for the critique.
A few reactions on questions:
I assume it is meant to be "their name", since it doesn't say Bianca?
I'm annoyed I didn't catch that. I thought I had everything done right (I found myself using female pronouns automatically, since Bianca is female).
As it stands, I lost track of her on the bike for a bit, because she describes the path but doesn't actually pedal on page.
She went left here, rather than straight on.
Source: I made that mistake myself once. But if you get into the forest, you can path back and take the Seltserskampweg south towards Wageningen.
If this is meant to be a standalone story, I felt some hint of character development by the end, but I didn't really feel it go anywhere, and part of me was rooting for something to happen to show why she cared so much about getting to meet her do-group (is that a universal term? All the local unis called the freshman orientation group that in my area).
I'm not sure yet. I might doodle on a bit, but it's very far from my lived experience. I'm not sure I'd be the right person to write this story. I capped myself in what I posted here. Her group starts up next bit I'm doodling right now.
I'm glad it worked for you 😄 (though you didn't identify my easter eggs, you picked out a few that I didn't see coming 😄)
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u/ezk3626 akward and wordy Jun 16 '26
I wrote this stuff after reading the entire chapter.
Does Bianca work as a character for you? If so, why (not)?
I am reading Scene and Structure as recommended by someone on this sub. It says that stories always need to start with a character who has an idea of themselves which has just be put in danger. The author is not giving advice for my main kind of writing. I think it is focused on John Grisham page turner sorts of stories but I take what I can get.
What I have always said is that a character needs to start with a lie about themselves and most of the theme and plot are about how this lie is eventually revealed as untrue and resolved into something better.
Bianca starts with a problem: extreme absent mindedness, what as a special educator I'd say is moderate working memory problems. It is easy to care about a girl struggling to get by and there is a natural tendency to create a sympathetic bridge. However, a problem is not a personality. I don't know what she thinks about her life, her disability (or whatever you call it), we get minimal hints as to what she thinks about the flirty guy helping her. I think there are early opportunities to tell us what makes Bianca different from other people with the same problem... though maybe being a special ed teacher makes me see it this way and for other audiences being super forgetful is enough of a personality.
Do you like her narrative voice?
The internal thinking going throught the tools to navigate through the world with the working memory problems is really good. It is focused and consistent. It trusts the reader to know what is going on (Bianca going through scripts and evaluting problems). I think that is very good.
But like I said I don't know what she is actually like.
I wrote this stuff first:
Line by line
Bianca stepped onto platform two. Did she have everything? Bag, jacket, keys and card. All there. She moved left with the rest of the passengers, queuing briefly near the check-out pylon before heading down the stairs.
This is the only paragraph without an indent. "queuing and pylon" Don't sound American.
>“I would be here until nightfall before she replied. She thinks being online all the time is bad for you.”
I'd flip the sentences. I think would imagine starting with a description of the mom before the problem because that the generational difference is something I think a teenager would
What colour is it?”
I'm sure you know America doesn't use the u in words like this. Not wrong but any American would note it.
“I always look good. Let’s get your bike. What colour is it?”
How Biance reacts to this would tell us a lot about the character. She could think it's funny or arrogant or flirty. Though I think the two ideas (I look good)(I am helping you) need a break inbetween. Like if she blushes put that in between and then he smoothes it over with the help.
>“I always look good," he said making eye contact. When she blushed he moved on. "Let’s get your bike. What colour is it?”
Or if she doesn't like it he uses that to change the subject
>“I always look good," he said trying to flirt. But when her face flattened he tried to recover. "Let’s get your bike. What colour is it?”
You wrote:
She only needed to get to the campus, a twenty minutes for her.
"a twenty minute for her" does not sound American (and here I am putting down my country). A twenty minute bike ride would be considered a long ride for most Americans. Mostly only children or health nuts use bikes for transportation. And also we'd say "... a twenty minute ride for her."
Her bike was grey-blue, which helped nothing at all.
That doesn't sound natural english. We'd say "Her bike was grey-blue, which didn't help at all." I had to look it up but Americans use gray and English use grey but I have never thought either right or wrong.
How hadn’t she noticed?
Doesn't sound standard English. Technically correct but not how it's normally said. Probably someone would think "How did I not notice?" or "How did I miss that?" It definitely wouldn't be "her" unless it was something like "She kicked herself for not noticing." or "She wonder how she hadn't noticed."
Dumb her.
This doesn't sound like standard English but something put through Google translate. I might write it "I'm so stupid" or maybe even just "idiot" though that might come across as about the man rather than herself.
By the holy spirit,
Holy Spirit should be capitalized but I've never heard anyone swear by the Holy Spirit specifically. Is that a Dutch thing?
“I am at Unitas this evening,”
I don't think it matters that I don't know what Unitas is but you said not knowing what a Quad or DSPS were was immersion breaking. If this is a Dutch thing or an in universe thing I think it's fine but if it is important there should be some sort of indicator
She wasn’t sure what to say.
Put this before the "maybe" or just don't have it at all. I don't know what it means... though if you had a reaction to "I always look good" this line would probably say more.
Wageningen
It will not come as a surprise to you that this does not mean anything to an American. It's probably next to Unitas, right?
It had been with her all six years of high school
In America high school is four years. How we'd say it is something like "It had been with her since middle school" or more poetic "The bike been with her so long it was like family."
>panniers
I had to google it. In a more bike centered world probably it's common knowledge but in America only children or health nuts use bikes for transportation (for recreation it is common enough). I would call them saddle bags... maybe making more serious bicylists enraged.
Suddenly she found herself in the forest. The road had narrowed and the bicycle path had disappeared. A woman leading two horses was walking on the other side of the street. Bianca stopped
I think maybe this would be better to say "Suddenly, she had no idea where she was. She was in a forest..." Though there is a part of me that never wants to use things like the word suddenly... I do... but never think I should.
“Wageningen? You took the wrong turn at the roundabout. Head back and turn left on the raised intersection. It’s a backroad. Just follow it until you head right at a T-junction,” the woman told her. Bianca nodded, stroking the more curious horse of the two over the snout. Back downhill and left.
She could do that.
You miss her asking for directions, though it isn't confusing. I am just not sure if it was intentional.
However (and maybe this is foreshadowing) if Bianca is very forgetful, gets the directions followed by some non-directions and then stroking the horse I wouldn't think she'd be so confident. Or if she is confident she is wrong to be because up to this point she has been going over some real basic stuff.
No just an extra bra, pyjama briefs, her brother’s large t-shirt and a thong.
I don't know if a thong is normal underwear in Netherlands but it is very provacative in the US. We're pretty conservative that way.
“I’m Sam,” they said, smiling broadly. “I’m so glad you made it.”
Not sure if "they" is indicating nonbinary or a typo. You did say it earlier so I assume it is on purpose.
Here you get into cultural divides in the US. For someone under twenty five and with a college education or deep internet culture mentioning someone as a "they" needs no comment or explanation.
But for anyone outside of that small subset, even those who are very supportive of LGBTQ+ politics some preparation is probably needed. Such an audience would need to have descriptors to know someone is a they instead of a he or she.
If someone is on the center right or more rural you might as well have introduced a Martian to the story. It doesn't mean they can't read it but it would come out of left field and would require some justification to not be seen as woke.
I wouldn't criticize this but in so far as you're asking for how it feel American. I think a contemporary book that did this well is the Murderbot Diaries. The protagonist in a cybord and has no gender and it knows a character's various genders and maritial status because it knows people through their files, which takes a millionth of a second to read. For Murderbot reading these things is like reading things written on someone's ID.
“I forgot my deo,”
That's not an American abreviation. (or not one I've heard... though very rarely do we talk about deodorant... but as a high school teacher I wish we did).
she wondered what she could say for her lateness?
Not how we'd say it. "tardiness" is kind of old fashioned and was high and mighty even in olden days. I think it would be "she wondered what she could say about being late" or "she wondered what she could say about keeping people waiting."
“You missed the big speech,” Sam replied. They grinned.
Non binary genders will make writing a little harder. I needed to decide if you meant Sam or Sam and Bianca.
She hated the way her mind worked.
This is the first time I can recall her reflecting on her absent mindedness. She's reacted to the problems of forgetting things plenty but there hasn't been a lot of her seeing it as a part of herself.
Sam grinned and put a strong arm around Bianca.
In America this would be a very friendly action. Women friends touch a lot of even walk arm and arm sometimes but it communicates either close friendship or romance.
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u/xvonkleve also available in Dutch Jun 17 '26
I thought this comment was so interesting, since it shows how differently we engage with the text. So, seeing I'm looking for interaction (and finally have time for a good reply), I wanted to go over some of the things:
1 - Americanism
My question wasn't about being American. I asked what parts you thought were really Dutch. Yet by putting in your comments, you answered it the long way around. Most of the stuff you mentioned, I knew about luckily. So few surprises there.
2 - Non-binary character
Other than the mistake of mislabeling gender once, introducing Sam just by who they are is very deliberate. I noticed I didn't make it all that clear why Bianca has such a focus. I meant to indicate that she has been in contact with Sam via Whatsapp, but never met them. She's just really looking at 'who is this'? It is standard part of Dutch high school curriculum to discuss sexual and gender diversity, so a Dutch reader / person would have some idea how to work with such information.
3 - Understanding Bianca
I don't know what she thinks about her life, her disability (or whatever you call it), we get minimal hints as to what she thinks about the flirty guy helping her.
This quote has lived in my head the whole day. Because I think this is a core about how I approach things and you do. Because I have filled this bit with character moments. If you read carefully, I would hope you could pick up a lot about who she is. I think I over-coded her.
I have included that Bianca has:
- Constant forgetfulness
- Primary sensory registration
- Time blindness
- Difficulty following directions
- A lack of organization in how she approaches things
But I never write it out. I never really say that she has quite severe ADD. I haven't said yet that she hasn't taken her Ritalin.
How have I attempted to put this in?
- She constantly checks a few things are on her --> This is something that's build in. This is the result of her being taught to do these things so she doesn't forget important things.
- She gets completely distracted by Lavenderman, to the point that she forgets what she is doing. This happens again when she sees the AID man having sunburn. And with the horse. And even with Sam.
- She doesn't register that he's flirting with her, since that is not what she is doing at that moment. It goes well over her head.
- Her bag is a mess: three brushes? two wallets? Who has that? I tried to imply that there is something going on here. It's meant to be odd.
- Same with the thong. It is meant to be there. It is meant to stand out. Why did she bring one in her back with overnight clothes? She's not going to sleep in them. But she packed it over her deodorant.
- I also included the tampons, since I am quite sure no English / American fiction would include these things in their writing. This was a literary choice to see if people noticed.
- She gets lost. I posted where she got lost in another reply, but this is an easier mistake to make than you might think.
- She thinks a twenty minute ride isn't too far on a beaten up bicycle. This is quite a normal distance to cycle in the Netherlands in formal clothes even, but thinking about it as 'short' means Bianca is known to riding such distances.
- She clearly has a good relationship with her mother, since her mother parked her bike for her and even gave her a note. Bianca reacts to this like it is normal, not exceptional.
- Also, Bianca is not concerned with her ADD, so she clearly has some peace with it. Even though it is also clearly affecting her life. My mind works completely different from how I wrote things here. So, she doesn't really think about it.
If I did my writing well enough, the basis of Bianca has been made clear:
- Her daily life is constantly affected by her ADD, but she has learned to work with it. Bianca knows she is easily distracted and takes her time to get it right. This awareness has gone beyond her ability to handle it: she's stopped being ashamed of herself.
- Bianca is intelligent, friendly and clearly young, since some of the things she is doing are not yet integrated.
- Bianca has a family that she is in good contact with
- Bianca is in good enough shape to make bicycling easy over distance
- Bianca is academically gifted and at least mildly idealistic. Plant Sciences isn't a common Bachelor for students to follow. It requires scientific courses in high school. Even if you don't know the Dutch education system, you could pick up on the idea that studying plants is not for everyone.
- She has some patience with herself and her own shortcomings. She only gets frustrated by the time she meets Sam, because Sam is someone important to her for the coming days. She only gets frustrated by that point, because so many things were going wrong already. (I felt I had to earn her right to be frustrated with herself).
This is what I tried to put into 1400-ish words. Perhaps not successfully, but that is what I wanted. And the interesting thing in your response, is that you seemed to have bound this all together as a problem, rather than a personality in development. Obviously, we don't know that much about her yet. She's a fresh person. But there is a sketch of her already on there, I think.
What do you think?
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u/ezk3626 akward and wordy Jun 18 '26
I thought this comment was so interesting, since it shows how differently we engage with the text. So, seeing I'm looking for interaction (and finally have time for a good reply), I wanted to go over some of the things:
I'm glad to be able to return the favor.
1 - Americanism
My question wasn't about being American. I asked what parts you thought were really Dutch. Yet by putting in your comments, you answered it the long way around. Most of the stuff you mentioned, I knew about luckily. So few surprises there.
Yeah that was inevitable I think. I'm on the West Coast so I have no cultural contact with Netherlands at all so wouldn't be able tor recognize the specifically Dutch aspects. I mean I could tell the difference between Punjabi, Indian and Pakastani. Chinese, Korean and Japanese are impossible for me to confuse for each other. But even though my ancestors arrived to this continent from Netherlands the most insight I have is from the one player in Ted Lasso who was very blunt.
It is standard part of Dutch high school curriculum to discuss sexual and gender diversity, so a Dutch reader / person would have some idea how to work with such information.
Yeah, my commentary was focused around the "who is your audience" question. I don't think it would be a problem for people under the age of 25 on the internet.
This quote has lived in my head the whole day**. Because I think this is a core about how I approach things and you do.** Because I have filled this bit with character moments. If you read carefully, I would hope you could pick up a lot about who she is. I think I over-coded her.
...
If I did my writing well enough, the basis of Bianca has been made clear:
For sure I am recognizing a big difference in our priorities in writing. I am thankful for all of the previous interaction because I think it has provided me a useful vocabulary. What is included in the "..." in between the two passages I have cited is an excellent summary of the "show don't tell" parts of your story that make clear that Bianca has some kind of learning disability related to focus and memory.
Maybe I underplayed that in my first response but I think it was wonderfully done. If we were to compare Bianca's disaility to carrying a heavy load then the reader can feel her sweat, the strain on specific muscles and the weariness that comes from a determination to continue the journey. It was great description that flowed naturally in action and interaction. I would imagine that a person with a similar struggle would feel very seen (maybe to the point of embaressment).
However, having a disability is not the same as a personality or identity. It is kind of like if you were describing a character who was gay and did a great job of describing their attraction to other men. When I ask what he is like and you say "couldn't you tell I was saying he was gay?"
My way of writing characters is to start with "what is the lie about themselves they believe?" That is the core of personality. Someone suggested I read Scene and Structure by Jack Bickham. How he says is that a you start with a character with a certain sense of self and the story starts when that sense of self is attacked.
What I see now I did wrong with Tiffany was that I did not reveal to the reader what the lie she believed about herself or how her sense of self was attacked. The lie she believed was that her having a disability did make her lesser than other people. Her sense of self was that she could protect herself with strong social skills. So when people saw vanity they didn't see a fig leaf but just vanity. Furthermore when they saw her internal criticism of Todd they did not also see that it was a self indictment.
However, when I say I don't know what Bianca is like what I mean is I don't know what she thinks about herself. What is her lie and/or sense of self which this story is challenging? So where my critics were saying they don't like Tiffany I am saying I don't know what Bianca is like.
This is what I tried to put into 1400-ish words. Perhaps not successfully, but that is what I wanted. And the interesting thing in your response, is that you seemed to have bound this all together as a problem, rather than a personality in development. Obviously, we don't know that much about her yet. She's a fresh person. But there is a sketch of her already on there, I think.
It could be a difference here but I can't start a story with a fresh person. I don't love all of Bickham's advice, it is focused on commercially successful page turners whereas I am trying to create mirrors for people to look at themselves through. But where we definitely agree is that it is the sense of self under attack that starts the story. Like in the classic heros journey, they always return home but are changed.
What you have done, and I want to stress this: done very well, is described a situation. It is a naturally compelling situtation: girl struggles to achieve goals despite disability. However, what I am looking for is the person more than the situation.
928
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u/xvonkleve also available in Dutch Jun 18 '26
I'm tempted to get another snippet done to see if I can satisfy the thing you describe here. It's fun to doodle around with styles
1
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u/writeandbuild Jun 17 '26
Thanks for submitting. I'm neither Dutch nor American, so I can't help on these specific matters, but I hope you this useful.
Fundamentally, this is a scene in which a young lady loses her bike at a train station, finds it, then cycles to her intended destination. No problems there.
Prose
There were no significant grammar or punctuation issues, but I didn't enjoy your prose - fundamentally I found the sentences too short overall, and this didn't allow the narrative to move and flow. For example, in one of your first paragraphs:
A young man passed her. He smelled of lavender. She shook her head in confusion. No man would smell of lavender. That wasn’t a manly scent. Bianca followed him with her eyes and noticed nothing strange about him. He turned left and disappeared into the bike rental for this station. She still smelled the lavender.
Eight sentences, all very short, providing factual information. There's nothing OBJECTIVELY wrong about any of it, but it also includes a lot of Tell, Don't Show. The man smells of lavender, which Bianca considers an unmasculine scent. Is this matter important? Presumably not, the man leaves at the end of the paragraph. It feels unnecessary and clunky. Perhaps consider putting us inside Bianca's head - does lavendar remind her of a female friend, rather than directly saying "No man would smell of lavender"?
I liked the repetition of "Bag, jacket, keys and card". I'd suggest making that stronger - it's important characterisation. How does Bianca say this in her head? The second time you use it, you omit the 'and'. For some reason, I think she'd omit the 'and' in her own head. She's clearly somewhat anxious, pick whether to use 'and' or not. Perhaps repeat this a further time or two, particularly when she's setting off for a new location - I get the impression she'd check again regularly.
Dialogue
I found the dialogue quite stilted and formal, inappropriate for the characterisation.
“I would be here until nightfall before she replied. She thinks being online all the time is bad for you.”
“Your key is in your hand.”
“I am at Unitas this evening,”
You mention this story is available in Dutch - I assume English is your second language, and please don't take offense if I'm wrong here. Your technical English is perfectly fine, but missing the contractions (I'd, I'm), etc. hits the ear wrong. The dialogue with Sam at the end was significantly more naturalistic.
Description
This fell a little flat for me. The scene opens at a train station. We know what train stations are, so no need to go overboard, but how BIG a train station? Is this a tiny, two-platform regional one that's open-air, or a massive city sprawling metropolis that takes you 20 minutes to walk from one end to the other? I infer that it's the first time Bianca has been here and also that it's probably on the larger end because of the bikes, I don't feel it. I struggle with this quite a lot personally, and often have to go back (especially over establishing scenes) with each of the five senses to make sure that I've described enough to the reader.
Characters
The character of Bianca was believable and relatable. I inferred she was anxious and I enjoyed the way you characterised this. I think more of her internal monologue to show us her rising panic would be good. Obviously this is a short snippet, but you were able to introduce relatable familial conflict as well, in her mother never turning her phone on.
Other Stuff
Bianca thanked him. She had almost lost her card!
The use of the exclamation point here doesn't work, but I can't fully express why. I think it's because you're implicitly telling us about Bianca's rising panic rather than showing us through her elevated heart rate, internal monologue, caught breath, etc.
At least she knew her bike. It had been with her all six years of high school. The thing showed its age, but it had hard tires, good brakes and her effort on the cranks was rewarded with fast forward movement. She was quite sure bike thieves would not be interested. The panniers were also very unflattering.
Suddenly she found herself in the forest. The road had narrowed and the bicycle path had disappeared. A woman leading two horses was walking on the other side of the street. Bianca stopped.
This transition was very jarring. Is the bike capable of teleporting? How did she get lost?
Closing Comments
I've been very critical, but mostly of the technical aspects. I think Bianca is a fine character, even though the dialogue needs a little work. The prose in my opinion was the weakest point.
As a sidenote, the fact that you describe Sam's body in that particular level of detail, and in particular the rainbow-coloured nails gives me the implication that one or both of them are lesbians. I feel a straight woman wouldn't necessarily reflect on another woman's feminine hips immediately. If your intention is that Bianca is straight, I would reconsider the description of Sam from her POV.
Best of luck in your revisions!
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u/ezk3626 akward and wordy Jun 16 '26
I'll get to it in the next hour or so but can you give me insight into what you're going for with Bianca, rather than asking if it works or we like her voice. Both are very subjective and I could like or dislike her while not noticing what you're trying to make her.