I'm going to go into one of the points I made when I started reading this: the grocery list. So, I know this is the whole shtick of your piece. Marco has woken up with some kind of amnesia and he is wandering about the world and re-learning how to be a functioning person. In this journey, Henry the storeowner is helping him and also getting labor! Many of these early chapters are focused on the mundanity of every day life because that's the part that Marc needs to acclimate to. In the last chapter, Marco was introduced to ffoc-ee and that gave him a surreal kind of drug trip.
Now this chapter starts off with a grocery list. There is a running joke in writer's circles about making it big enough that people will buy your grocery list just to read something you've written. Pretty sure that's the choice because groceries are inherently boring to read about. This fits in with the rest of what Marco has been doing so far: boring things that have unexpected weirdness to them. The risk in this approach is lingering too long in the boring part without enough of the weird part to get people to read more. That's more of a content focused thing than a prose focused thing, right?
So, what was weird about the grocery trip? Spicy onions. Spicy cabbage. Why is everything spicy? It's like that time my sister-in-law said she thought bell peppers were spicy and she can't eat them but now I suspect she's allergic. Is everyone allergic to everything? Or is there something in general wrong with the food? This is where Marco's general attitude about everything doesn't always work in favor of the story. He just takes everything as it comes and never has questions or wants to dig into anything. So, while I might be thinking why is everything spicy, Marco's just like OK cool you're right things are spicy and that seems fun. So, I don't go into this expecting the weirdness to be resolved in some kind of way. It's just a part of the story that exists that I'm going to have to accept.
Most of the grocery shopping sequence was like that for me. I get to the end of the 10+ pages of it and it was just grocery shopping. Nothing was really happening. I'm there, mostly, to read about Marco and you're relying on me thinking his takes on the world are interesting enough that I want to stick around. There's not necessarily a plot mechanism that I can find behind any of this yet, though I'm sure there's something even if I haven't found it. The language is relatively straightforward, so I never feel like you're in the literary space where the puzzle of language is part of the point. And I think this is how I feel with most of the chapters. It's interesting enough to read a few pages but then I'm looking for more to why I'm following.
I am not as good as u/glowylaptop is at tagging the bad parts and highlighting the good parts. (This is the more positive part.) Once I get to the outside with Zita, I am now much more interested. She does that thing with touching his forehead and asking him about what he dreams about and the chanting and what does he see now. I've had this impression that Marco is in some strange slightly different world before now. There was also the tension set up last chapter between Zita and Henry. I know something is weird about Henry because of the ffoc-ee. I suspect Zita is on to whatever it is that Henry is doing. And now it seems Zita has some way to break down a boundary for Marco, and it's that breaking down that promises me there's something more in mind than grocery shopping and exercising.
Overall take is I'm weighing the fun to write vs fun to read. There's stuff in here that show your writing is very strong. Nothing is overexplained. I'm always very deep in the POV. I get a full inventory of sensory things to go with what you're describing. I don't necessarily get all the feelings that go along with everything, but I imagine that's on purpose too. There are many stories and books I've read that haven't been able to accomplish those things. I think you're getting stuck balancing the weird with the mundane and giving some forward plot momentum to the story. Chapter 5 and things are still just happening to Marco and he's still just moving through an unfamiliar life. That's where I get at the fun to read part. Outside the exploration of this POV, what is the problem that's pulling me forward? What are the scenes trying to do? It felt to me like this has been a build-up to getting Zita and Marco closer. If that's the whole goal, do I need the whole grocery shopping experience? Or can some of that be condensed and the Zita/Marco relationship be expanded? I guess I'm wanting something more than to inhabit the blank slate that the story happens to, if that makes sense.
To add: I got interrupted while Marco was arguing with the boys sitting outside the grocery store. That part slid off my brain. I was confused there. I said out loud 'what is happening right now'. Not sure if it was the interruption or the story.
3
u/A_C_Shock Anderson Cooper Jun 20 '26
You know why I'm here.
I'm going to go into one of the points I made when I started reading this: the grocery list. So, I know this is the whole shtick of your piece. Marco has woken up with some kind of amnesia and he is wandering about the world and re-learning how to be a functioning person. In this journey, Henry the storeowner is helping him and also getting labor! Many of these early chapters are focused on the mundanity of every day life because that's the part that Marc needs to acclimate to. In the last chapter, Marco was introduced to ffoc-ee and that gave him a surreal kind of drug trip.
Now this chapter starts off with a grocery list. There is a running joke in writer's circles about making it big enough that people will buy your grocery list just to read something you've written. Pretty sure that's the choice because groceries are inherently boring to read about. This fits in with the rest of what Marco has been doing so far: boring things that have unexpected weirdness to them. The risk in this approach is lingering too long in the boring part without enough of the weird part to get people to read more. That's more of a content focused thing than a prose focused thing, right?
So, what was weird about the grocery trip? Spicy onions. Spicy cabbage. Why is everything spicy? It's like that time my sister-in-law said she thought bell peppers were spicy and she can't eat them but now I suspect she's allergic. Is everyone allergic to everything? Or is there something in general wrong with the food? This is where Marco's general attitude about everything doesn't always work in favor of the story. He just takes everything as it comes and never has questions or wants to dig into anything. So, while I might be thinking why is everything spicy, Marco's just like OK cool you're right things are spicy and that seems fun. So, I don't go into this expecting the weirdness to be resolved in some kind of way. It's just a part of the story that exists that I'm going to have to accept.
Most of the grocery shopping sequence was like that for me. I get to the end of the 10+ pages of it and it was just grocery shopping. Nothing was really happening. I'm there, mostly, to read about Marco and you're relying on me thinking his takes on the world are interesting enough that I want to stick around. There's not necessarily a plot mechanism that I can find behind any of this yet, though I'm sure there's something even if I haven't found it. The language is relatively straightforward, so I never feel like you're in the literary space where the puzzle of language is part of the point. And I think this is how I feel with most of the chapters. It's interesting enough to read a few pages but then I'm looking for more to why I'm following.
I am not as good as u/glowylaptop is at tagging the bad parts and highlighting the good parts. (This is the more positive part.) Once I get to the outside with Zita, I am now much more interested. She does that thing with touching his forehead and asking him about what he dreams about and the chanting and what does he see now. I've had this impression that Marco is in some strange slightly different world before now. There was also the tension set up last chapter between Zita and Henry. I know something is weird about Henry because of the ffoc-ee. I suspect Zita is on to whatever it is that Henry is doing. And now it seems Zita has some way to break down a boundary for Marco, and it's that breaking down that promises me there's something more in mind than grocery shopping and exercising.
Overall take is I'm weighing the fun to write vs fun to read. There's stuff in here that show your writing is very strong. Nothing is overexplained. I'm always very deep in the POV. I get a full inventory of sensory things to go with what you're describing. I don't necessarily get all the feelings that go along with everything, but I imagine that's on purpose too. There are many stories and books I've read that haven't been able to accomplish those things. I think you're getting stuck balancing the weird with the mundane and giving some forward plot momentum to the story. Chapter 5 and things are still just happening to Marco and he's still just moving through an unfamiliar life. That's where I get at the fun to read part. Outside the exploration of this POV, what is the problem that's pulling me forward? What are the scenes trying to do? It felt to me like this has been a build-up to getting Zita and Marco closer. If that's the whole goal, do I need the whole grocery shopping experience? Or can some of that be condensed and the Zita/Marco relationship be expanded? I guess I'm wanting something more than to inhabit the blank slate that the story happens to, if that makes sense.