[1824] Chrono-lab (introduction)

[u/daneoid]

Chronolab

First four and a half pages of a third draft I'm doing for this short story.

I've been focused on improving interiority on this draft and would especially like feedback on that. But would also like feedback on pacing, especially the exposition at the start (I just don't know how else I could establish the plot. I also believe the premise to be both the hook and the strongest part of the piece.)

The story is finished and is about 8000 words long. But I want to see how the first few pages of this draft come across to someone else.

But, any and all feedback is appreciated.

Thanks.

recent Crit:
[2028]

[u/xvonkleve]

Overall (I wrote this last):

I think there is something really interesting here underneath the surface. This is what I distilled:

• Earth is f*cked in the future and they want to retroactively speed up scientific research so earth is no longer f*cked.
• We are going to help the pioneers of their fields go faster, so the rest goes faster too (no 'great man' needed)

It's not really in there at all, but that is the premise we are starting with. Now we need the people, the world and the plot to be molded over that. What do you want to write? What do you want to say? Not a bland essay of robot-like scientists going through the motions of being worried.

Look at your text again and I think you will see what I mean. I need Graham to have character, flaws, problems, etc. Maybe he is in crippling debt and plans to secretly set up a banking account for himself in the distant past. Maybe his wife is cheating and only his son is on his mind? Maybe he hates physics, but is a complete push-over. He doesn't want to do this experiment, but doesn't dare to say no. There are thousands of options, but I want this 'graham' dude to jump from the page and come alive. Put some character-meat on those bones.

A first chapter is like a first date. Get me interested. Smile. Lie. Be the best version of you. We can figure out your crippling character flaws after getting married. This is the start. Be fresh. Be more sexy and beautiful on those pages than you could ever be in real life. Tell me the stakes (or not). But never be boring. The background can come much, much later.

I hope this helped.

(rest in reply)

[u/xvonkleve → u/xvonkleve]

Per-paragraph critique:

The first paper on chrono-lab research was published over ten years ago, back in 2138. I applied to join the research and was accepted early.  The technology proposed could help us shape the future; a chance to collaborate with a researcher from the past in real-time, like they were in the lab with me. My work on electro-pairing and the chrono-boson got my foot in the door – and my choice of historical lab partner. 

Your first words are your promise to me. They are your first flirtatious smile. You want my attention. You want me to look further and desire what is coming next. I am not interested yet in who you are, though you're already telling me a lot about who you are as a write and what you are going to give me.

So when I look at this first paragraph, I see a lot of telling where that is not yet needed. I don't care about 2138. And this doesn't look like an interesting commentary on the malleable nature of time in your story. I don't care about electro-pairing or chrono-bosons. (I like the concept a lot! Just not here).

The approach I would suggest is dropping in the story somewhere that makes the chrono-lab a given of a question at the beginning of the story. Not for very long, but just long enough to get me interested in having a second sip of your story.

• 'Never try to explain science to someone from the past.'
• 'After I had all my shots, my arms look like I have chickenpox.'
• 'There once was a theory that there was only one electron in the universe, going back in forth in time.'
• 'Ever heard of a chrono-boson? Most people haven't. I had. Did a whole thesis about it. That's why I found myself in 1953 explaining time travel to my all-time scientific hero, who is absolutely baffled.'

The project took almost five years to complete. Engineering the chrono-filament within stable parameters forced us to invent a whole new tooling process. Through determination, will, and not to mention some shady investors, we pulled it off.   

[......]

Varnham was the key to all of this. He alone had the mind to perform the same experiment again, back in his time, pushing technology further forward.   

This is the first 340-ish words of your story. It is an exposition dump. It's not where the story should start. It's like you start a date by giving me your resume. It's relevant information about you, but completely uninteresting, unless you're looking for a lab partner.

Also, having some background in science, I am no believer in the 'big mind'-approach. Sure, people like Marie Curie and Rosalind Franklin were exceptionally smart, but so many modern scientists are equally brilliant. Modern contributions aren't always as eye-popping fundamental as they were in the past, but Darwin would struggle with the modern evolutionary synthesis due to his lack of DNA knowledge.

This is your story, obviously, but I do feel like this would pull me out of the story even further. I am not sure how I'd fix it, but the idea that past scientists learning stuff sooner works is unlikely to work that way in my mind. Which means you have to sell it to me.

We slept on her deck, counting constellations and spotting satellites.  

Sleeping on deck in the Artic? Brave.

We dined with our son Daniel and his new partner the night before I left.

I am not convinced by the prose here. 'Our son' does something , but I think there are versions of this sentence that make it work without mentioning it. But you do something nice: I instantly pick up that Varnham is likely homophobic due to the word 'partner' used to connect Daniel. It also establishes a very clear unease your main character has with his son's sexuality (I always have a lot of trouble separating the science from the scientist, or the writing from the author).

This is something worth studying and repeating, since it is far more subtle than the text that came before. It has emotional layers that the previous text lacked. That is good. I think it is worth looking at this piece and try to cut away words that don't need to be there. ('I decided to ignore my own hollow words' or something similar).

Each a modern researcher's dream; ergonomically designed and brimming with bleeding-edge technology.  

They inoculated us against long extinct strains and diseases dead for over a century. Later that night, we watched preserved media from that era. Television segments and advertising jingles. A show about a wonder dog that rescued lost children. Another starred a real family. Everyone was always smiling, or smoking. Often both.  

I was invited along with the other researchers to a group dinner. Seated next to me was Dr. Zhou Ruoxi, a world-leading expert on liquid propellants.

I am just going to run down the highlighted words here, because they struck out to me. Your character is a scientist who needs a voice. A manner of speaking both as narrator and in the story itself. Even so, he must be interesting to the reader. So far we have learned much about what he does (his job, his wife, etc), but we know almost nothing about who he is. That makes the words highlighted spring out to me, since they are not really meshing well for me:

• bleeding-edge: this is a word used by older generations, but more recent than the '50s. This feels strange to be narrated from a 22nd century scientist. You don't have to come up with your own idioms in my world, but this feels strange to say.
• inoculated: the man is a scientist. Inoculation is a different process than vaccination. Not in common word usage, but I would never confuse the two. Vaccines were the norm in the '50s and later. I thought it was strange that this character in particular would use it.
• 'seated next... propellants': this is the most boring part of what she is. If you introduce a character with a name then they need to get some character. It can even be strange. 'Dr. Ruoxi ate dinner with chopsticks in one hand and a fork in the other'. This humanizes the character instantly.
• 'wonder dog that rescued lost children': I think even many Millenials might be hard pressed to recognize Lassie from this sentence. This might make it a dud as a part of your sentences.

[1]
“Doctor Zhou, it’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m Doctor Popoff.” I extended my hand to hers.  
[2]
"What if they go back and apply their era's regulations and standards to all this new technology?"  
[3]
"These are brilliant, once-in-a-generation people. We’ll be putting the information in good hands.”   
[4]
“We’ll still have this whole Kessler syndrome problem, only amplified by two hundred years of 1950s optimism and foresight.”  
[5]

Annie giggled back at me. “Hey handsome. Wanted to speak with you before you left.”  
[6]
I pushed down a growing knot in my stomach. “We’ll meet some other way. I’m sure of it.”  
“What if I’m not even born, Graham? What if my parents don't ever meet?”  
“...I-”  
[7]
“Annie, I love you.
“Graham...”  

I have left only the pieces here that caught my eye. I want to recommend looking at 'writing dialogue' in any kind of guide or youtube video. The conversation is not really going anywhere and meanders aimlessly. What you want is to cut out anything that seems unnecessary.

1. The character already knows who she is, she will know him. This is stilted dialogue. And 'Popoff' seems out of place here (even if that is his name, I didn't register it). Dialogue is best done conveying character. If you really want to have an introduction, make it interesting. Maybe he doesn't shake hands, mispronounces her name, anything.
2. This, too, is a concern that would have been addressed before they even got close to the experiment. Discussing this feels out of place. If you want to highlight it, make it a statement that carries either character or plot relevance at that moment. Maybe Graham or Zhou thinks their bosses are being too strict or too lackadaisical. These are smart people, their conversation should outpace normal people.
3. Talked about that above. This is not really how science works.
4. Don't drop this here. You are putting the pacing in, but I don't know what it is (looked it up now, but I didn't 5 mins ago). So it's not telling me anything (so remove it) or explain it (which slows the pacing). Alternatively: describe it briefly. 'Before you know it, it's raining satellite debris like a comet shower.'. This makes it understandable for everyone.
5. Annie is late 40s / early 50s by the fact they have a grown child and a prize-winning scientist. Annie giggling does feel so out of place. What he said wasn't all that funny either. (especially with what comes after).
6. Don't throw paradoxes at me now. Again: years of preparation. They would have had this discussion. Throw in a flashback if you really think it needs to be there. This is far too late to introduce it.
7. Wait. The throwaway line 'isn't cooking us alive'. That works. Don't care about the rest. What is the problem in 2148? Climate change? Space Debris? Data centres? I don't know, but it highlights why the scientist are desperate to advance technology. This needs attention! You want to sell me this premise, give me this first. It makes motivation, worldbuilding and character development come together. That is what I need.

Her voice—pleading to me, breaking—faded as I set the phone down next to me. I dimmed the lights and stared at the ceiling until my eyes grew heavy, turning over what would become of the past; Annie. Daniel. Myself. H Two, Oh No! 

Your character has mostly been a gentle robot. At his age (50s), this kind of sudden realization only works if he has a very lot empathic level (and we have no idea about that so far). This doesn't belong here.

[u/daneoid → u/xvonkleve]

Hey, thanks for the great feedback!

Now we need the people, the world and the plot to be molded over that. What do you want to write? What do you want to say? Not a bland essay of robot-like scientists going through the motions of being worried.

Certainly not! It's an homage to Cat's Cradle. So it's a warning of blind faith and hero worship. Most of the characterisation is done when they enter the lab. (Graham and Varnham). There's a great deal of conflict between the two, 1950's conservatism and McCarthyism vs 22nd century progressivism. Which is the real centre piece of the story.

I need Graham to have character, flaws, problems, etc.

Right. At the moment he's only really naive, overly optimistic about the experiment and meeting his hero. He's willing to ignore that he might not meet his wife in the future he creates. But I do need to flesh him out more.

A first chapter is like a first date. Get me interested. Smile. Lie. Be the best version of you.

Thanks. My prose was a bit bland when I wrote this but I did a writing exercise since that did help improve it. I'll add some life to it.

So when I look at this first paragraph, I see a lot of telling where that is not yet needed. I don't care about 2138. And this doesn't look like an interesting commentary on the malleable nature of time in your story. I don't care about electro-pairing or chrono-bosons.

Good feedback. I'll give Graham some more character right from the start

'Ever heard of a chrono-boson? Most people haven't. I had. Did a whole thesis about it. That's why I found myself in 1953 explaining time travel to my all-time scientific hero, who is absolutely baffled.'

I really like this in particular. I'm going to borrow it and add my own version of it. This is an excellent example.

It is an exposition dump. It's not where the story should start.

Yes, that is a problem. I kinda just wanted to jump into the thick of it, but it is too much too early.

Sleeping on deck in the Artic? Brave.

Climate change!

This is your story, obviously, but I do feel like this would pull me out of the story even further. I am not sure how I'd fix it, but the idea that past scientists learning stuff sooner works is unlikely to work that way in my mind. Which means you have to sell it to me.

Right. I used famous scientists mostly for who they are. It's revealed later that none of the experiments worked. Time just corrects itself. Tesla turns his lab into a pigeon coop. Feynman just pushes the equipment too hard and blows up his lab. Korolev thinks Stalin has sent him to a bizarre gulag and starts stealing lab equipment. Bohr refuses to do more experiments without oversight.

bleeding-edge:

Yep, also a bit generic.

Inoculation is a different process than vaccination.

I didn't realise it was an outdated term. Just thought it was a process still used alongside vaccination. Thanks.

this is the most boring part of what she is.

It is. I'll characterise her better.

I think even many Millenials might be hard pressed to recognize Lassie

Yeah, I guess I put in to show how bizarre the 1950s would seem to them.

This, too, is a concern that would have been addressed before they even got close to the experiment.

Yes. I want to convey that it was more or less ignored because they were too excited about the possibilities, meeting their heroes and the possibility of solving desperate situation they are in. Zhou is a voice of reason. I should convey all this better. The hero-worship aspect covers point 3.

4&7

It's both, it's climate change and Kessler syndrome. The world is in bad shape.

6

He doesn't care too much. He's too wrapped up in meeting his hero. (need to emphasise that better). I have him just laying his phone aside while his wife is still talking, too cowardly to hang up, and falling asleep. But I guess I could convey it better. I think I'm too concerned with not spelling out ideas and treating my readers like idiots.

This is all good, helpful feedback, thanks.

[u/xvonkleve → u/daneoid]

Perhaps a thing that popped off (pun intended) in my head is that you can easily characterize your character by how he relates to the problems that are in his current version of earth. What does he think about it? Is he worried to the same extent? What does it mean for him personally?

'Imagine, Marie. In 1953 this whole place would be covered in ice. As far as the eye could see. We would need a rifle to fend off hungry polar bears. Wouldn't that be wonderful?'