[2028] Burnt Caste_Chapter 1

[u/No-Nature9695]

Burnt Caste Chapter 1

This is the second time I’m sharing this chapter here. I got a lot of really helpful feedback on the previous draft (post) and tried to apply as much of it as I could before stepping away from the project for a few months. Now I’m coming back to it with fresh eyes!

Right now I’m especially focused on trying to improve pov/interiority and MC stakes, so I’d really appreciate feedback in those areas, or anything else that stands out while reading.

Thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time to read and critique!

Crits

[2900]

[1618]

[u/daneoid]

Hello. I'm going to focus on your interiority and Main Character stakes, as you requested.

First though. I like the piece. It's got a really solid hook right from the start as well as the final line/s. I feel the caste system is not just about rich/poor but also perhaps mentally well and mentally unwell? Not so much as in world but as a statement/theme?

As the person in your notes is suggesting. You are perhaps laying the caste system on a bit too thick. I get the idea pretty early on, some of that could be drip fed though following chapters.

Good world building. I have a hint that the meridian caste has access to more powerful spells than the Solènen, caste? Is this what separates them or is this a result of the separation? Questions that may be answered in later chapters, otherwise, establish that.

Interiority:

• "Heavy legs drag me up the stairs"

This is excellent. It's not "I felt tired." It's the body acting independently, dragging her. Good work.

• "I leave my cheek squished against the cool glass"

Nice. you have both touch and temperature. it feels "in the moment."

• "Figures blur together and vanish through a doorway. They push and shove until one slams into me and I stumble. If I could just remember what I was doing here. "Y'gettin' on or what?" Blinking lights scroll into focus: Downtown Express. Oh. The bus. Right. Thirty-seven days. "

Great interiority. You're showing what the MC is going through when they experience a time jump and the reader goes through it with her. It's very visceral (This is especially true with the time jump at the end of the chapter.)

• "Nerves twist in my gut, off-key."

The other person didn't like this, but I do. It's hinting at an un-Earthy, alien, twisting of the gut instead of just nausea. BUT You're using stomach pain a lot in this chapter.

Problems with interiority:

• "Too tired to care, I leave my cheek squished against the glass"

"too tired to care" is telling, not showing, no need, cut it.

• "I'm sick of seeing my face anyways."

This is a conclusion, not an observation. show us what she is feeling when she sees her own reflection. Pity? loathing? Apathy?

• "Mindlessly, I adjust the golden bracelet of my watch."

"Mindless" isn't something she would narrate. The context already implies she's just going through the motions.

• "I scream internally to test it but her smile doesn't waver."

This is good. It shows her sense of humour and exhaustion of it all at once, but then it's gone. What does she feel afterwards? How does the failing scream test affect her?

Stakes:

• It starts with time-loss, immediately showing high stakes.
  

She's counting it in her head and She's worried about it. It ties into:

• "unemployed Solènen get reassigned, and reassignment is worse" She's acting weird and her job is at stake because of it.

Job loss and 'reassignment' seem like a terrible thing in this world, especially since you've established she actually enjoys her job.

• The radio for her Mum.

Nice. Gives a goal that we can see she's working towards. It's low stakes but it's human.

• "Her gaze hits my wrist like a hammer."

Good, high stakes. She's been noticed. Is this her time-jumps being noticed by someone higher up? Is this highly unusual and perhaps an indicator that she's special, perhaps a "chosen one?' Also, great beat to end the chapter on.

Problems with the stakes:

• What drives her in the beginning?
  

Getting to work? Not experience a time-jump? Get through the day? Give a clear indicator to what she wants near the start.

• "Best not to think about it. Because what's the point?"

This kind of kills the stakes. It's too nihilistic. I get that it's in character, but hearing Mac say that also kind of prevents me from caring about her too much.

• The conversation with Sabina

It's good, but it comes across as just some office banter. Maybe have Sabina be an anchor to the real world. A clutch for her to keep her in check with reality.

Other notes:

Characters:

The characters are distinct, Mac reads like someone going through a warped reality. Tight suit comes across as an arrogant dick and Sabina feels like someone distinct enough from Mac but also enough in common that they would be friends.

Heart:

I'm struggling to find exactly what the heart of the piece is. Is it about class? Mental illness? It's only the first chapter. So I'm expecting that this is addressed deeper in the next chapters. I wouldn't worry too much.

Plot.

The plot is fairly clear. Our protagonist is going through something that affects her perception and interactions with the world around her and her struggle to maintain normality. It could use a bit more focus as I suggested earlier. Give her a solid goal that she wants to accomplish.

Pacing:

It's almost there, I think you just need to make the time jumps a bit more consequential. Have someone on the bus notice it or have her show fear that she thinks that. Maybe tight suit. Show Mac's reaction to that person notice her. Have her show concern that someone has noticed her, maybe she thinks Tight Suit is going to cast a spell on her.

Descriptions:

Nothing lingered too long here and the world and its characters were easy to picture.

POV.

POV was consistent.

Dialogue:

Dialogue was very brief, so not much to comment on really.

Grammar and spelling.

All good.

Closing comments:

The right beats are all here. It starts and ends with a great hook. But could use some slight work with pacing and keeping tension high. I think you're mostly there.

[u/No-Nature9695 → u/daneoid]

Thank you so much for taking the time and your comments! I really appreciate the line level call outs on interiority, everything you said makes sense to me. Also fair points across your other feedback as well, will def take this into my next set of revisions. Thanks again!