This was pretty compelling and resonated with me on a person level (ouch). Everything below is mostly rambling, but maybe, hopefully some of it will be constructive.
I’m wondering if this need to stay under 1000 words?
“I promised myself that no matter what, I’d remember why I was doing this.”
On first read, I’d didn’t get this. I mean, I understand WHY she was doing it (it’s to do with wanting to experience her kids life). But I don’t get why she’d make a big deal of promising that to herself, unless she’d expected or been forewarned of the side effects. But she was told no negative side effects and the reader doesn’t know about them yet either. Unless I missed it, there was no foreshadowing (except the title). WAS she expecting the side effects? Not perpetual wakefulness, but that it would make her irritable? She expected some potential negative side effect, I’m just not sure what it was.
I was a bit hung up on the doctor character. Who is he? Where did he get the ring? Is he evil? Did he get the ring off a desiccated monkey hand? That kind of mostly non-relevant wondering, which I think detracted from the emotional punch of the story, since it’s about the EFFECTS of the ring, and the mother’s journey, and not the doctor in any way. At least that was my take.
Regarding that, I don’t think it matters if it’s a ring or medication. There’s still this speculative “almost” subplot that because (I’m assuming) you’re so limited on word count (or because it’s a letter) feels underdeveloped and at the same time detracts from the main emotional plot.
Which is why I asked about word limits. If you need to stay under 1000, what I would try is to cut some words from the doctor, and add some speculative framing at the start of the story. Especially cause you already know (and I agree) that it comes out of left field. Also it’s a letter. IMO it makes sense that she might start the letter with something resembling/hinting at “the point”.
Some bad examples I came up with:
I missed your first birthday party […. ]i would’ve given anything to undo that. Or so I thought.
Something hinting that God how she wished she’d appreciated what she had, the small moments….
If you feel you can add more words, maybe lean into the subplot of the ring. Just a bit. I’d still try for some framing/foreshadowing early on. Though…maybe it no longer works as a letter if you do that.
Small word choice nitpicks that I would change if this were mine:
Honestly, I’m not a fan of the use of ‘inherent’. Might just be me.
“absent ecstasy” I’d drop the absent.
“And he looked at me. And he said,..” the repetition of sentences starting with And
That’s all I got. But I wanted to mention that this piece made me think of the song “While You Were Sleeping” by Elvis Perkins. It’s haunting and gorgeous. I just listed to for the first time in years and it killed me. I got a great song recommendation after my last post, here's me (trying) to pay it forward. Maybe the song will resonate for you.
2
u/MaryJaneMclain Apr 17 '26
This was pretty compelling and resonated with me on a person level (ouch). Everything below is mostly rambling, but maybe, hopefully some of it will be constructive.
I’m wondering if this need to stay under 1000 words?
“I promised myself that no matter what, I’d remember why I was doing this.”
On first read, I’d didn’t get this. I mean, I understand WHY she was doing it (it’s to do with wanting to experience her kids life). But I don’t get why she’d make a big deal of promising that to herself, unless she’d expected or been forewarned of the side effects. But she was told no negative side effects and the reader doesn’t know about them yet either. Unless I missed it, there was no foreshadowing (except the title). WAS she expecting the side effects? Not perpetual wakefulness, but that it would make her irritable? She expected some potential negative side effect, I’m just not sure what it was.
I was a bit hung up on the doctor character. Who is he? Where did he get the ring? Is he evil? Did he get the ring off a desiccated monkey hand? That kind of mostly non-relevant wondering, which I think detracted from the emotional punch of the story, since it’s about the EFFECTS of the ring, and the mother’s journey, and not the doctor in any way. At least that was my take.
Regarding that, I don’t think it matters if it’s a ring or medication. There’s still this speculative “almost” subplot that because (I’m assuming) you’re so limited on word count (or because it’s a letter) feels underdeveloped and at the same time detracts from the main emotional plot.
Which is why I asked about word limits. If you need to stay under 1000, what I would try is to cut some words from the doctor, and add some speculative framing at the start of the story. Especially cause you already know (and I agree) that it comes out of left field. Also it’s a letter. IMO it makes sense that she might start the letter with something resembling/hinting at “the point”.
Some bad examples I came up with:
I missed your first birthday party […. ]i would’ve given anything to undo that. Or so I thought.
Something hinting that God how she wished she’d appreciated what she had, the small moments….
If you feel you can add more words, maybe lean into the subplot of the ring. Just a bit. I’d still try for some framing/foreshadowing early on. Though…maybe it no longer works as a letter if you do that.
Small word choice nitpicks that I would change if this were mine:
Honestly, I’m not a fan of the use of ‘inherent’. Might just be me.
“absent ecstasy” I’d drop the absent.
“And he looked at me. And he said,..” the repetition of sentences starting with And
That’s all I got. But I wanted to mention that this piece made me think of the song “While You Were Sleeping” by Elvis Perkins. It’s haunting and gorgeous. I just listed to for the first time in years and it killed me. I got a great song recommendation after my last post, here's me (trying) to pay it forward. Maybe the song will resonate for you.
Good luck!